Two architects

I just read this on Tumblr and it's so beautiful I had to share.....two architects....love.

I'll always
belong
to myself

Even as many times
as I try to give myself
away

and as many times
as someone else
will try and take it

I'll always belong to
myself
And you'll always belong to
yourself

unions
are not formed
by giving yourself away
but by coming
together

two minds
two hearts
two flames
two contributors
two architects
building
their mad
or sadly sane
worlds
together

I don't want to be
you
and I don't want you to be
me

the beauty
the love

comes from our
acceptance
of each others'
souls.


Xoxoxo.

The heart....

"How foolish is it to think that we only love with our hearts. The heart is just an organ with a job to do, a quota to fill. When I love, I don't want to love with a blood pumping machine. I want to love with every inch of my body.

I will love you with my knees and my fingertips, with my elbows and my collarbones. With my freckles and my knuckles, my wrinkles and my scars.

And I will love you with all the spaces in between."

Music to my ears...

It's no surprise to anyone that knows me that I'm quite the romantic. Though I'm very sarcastic and often times I run away from anything deeper than a kiss or two, I love so hard and really look forward to the days where I'm married to the man of my dreams.

With that being said, this week I found myself drawn to two songs that I think normally I wouldn't have liked that much. The first one, is by Enrique Iglesias and it's called "Finally found you," and it's really beautiful.

I always wonder what it must feel like for people when they meet someone and they just know that person is the one for them. I wonder if you become overwhelmed with a feeling of anxiety hoping that person never leaves you because after all this time of feeling content and ok with being single you've finally met someone that makes you want to be off the market. And in your heart you know, that person isn't just another someone, but instead it's thee someone....it must be such a crazy feeling.

The second song that I really like a lot is "Little things," by One Direction. It's such an empowering song for women and such a young group sings it, I just think that it's really awesome and lovely.

I just fully believe in love and the power that one person has when they say that they love another and really and truly mean it. Love is so beautiful...such a beautiful thing. I'm more than prepared to wait for the person that God has prepared for me so that I can feel the fear of loving someone, I mean truly loving them and having them love me in return.

One day I'm going to walk down the aisle towards a man that will have changed my thoughts and perspective about relationships. I know, it's super corny and I'm even rolling my eyes when I write it but really, it's going to be amazing. I would say I can't wait, but the truth is I can and will wait for the person that's in love with me and all the little things.

Ernest Hemingway

"Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really try to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry; get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."

Truth...

'I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning." - Haruki Murakami

Something to live for....

I think that it is so important....so very important to find something worth living for. I've spent so much time, I know I'm young and I'm only 23 but bear with me, I feel like I've spent a lot of my life searching for a substance, something that would stick.

When I was 16, I started to really grow in my faith and it became my core, the center of all that was important. It was so much for me, it still is, but from that I got a taste of how sweet life could be. From that I feel like I saw that there was so much lacking in other aspects of my life.

I was searching for so much, in the smile of a stranger and the arms of those that were so wrong for me, so wrong. I have no regrets, none whatsoever but man, do I feel weird sometimes when I think about the old times. The days where I didn't feel beautiful unless someone was telling me I was hot or making me feel wanted in all the worse ways.

These last few days I've been doing a lot of school projects here in Mexico and it's reminded me of the passion I have for life. I believe that anyone can be who and whatever they want to be, I believe in the power of the mind and the way it can determine how someones life goes.

I fully believe that if I wouldn't have had a change of mind I would not be where I am right now. I go through these phases where I lose track of what I'm living for. I get lost in the hooblah of everyday life and I let it become common place, I forgot that everyday is a new adventure and it's so full.

I remember when I thought that going out and dancing all night and feeling like the prettiest girl in the room was being alive. Today a young man looked me in the eyes and told me that he got our workshops and he could see that the point of it was to help him learn and appreciate other perspectives. At that moment, I felt more alive than I ever have dancing the night away.

Don't get me wrong, I love to dance and have a good time, I really do, but now it's just for fun and not to make me feel wanted or valued. I feel like I really truly have something to live for and I can't even describe how wonderful it feels.

Everyday I feel so alive.

What are you living for?

"Earlier, watching her apply mascara with ritual concentration, he wondered just how beautiful a woman needed to be before she believed it."

And from your lips, she drew the hallelujah.

"I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music do you?"

I'm currently in a room at a school in Mexico, watching our cast, cast B 2012 as they prepare for a really cool session that we're going to be having in a few weeks. I've found that these people inspire me so much more than I realize.

When I was a student in Up With People last year, one of the staff members told me that the only reason he continued to do this job was because of the students. He told us that we were the only reason that he came into work every morning and that we were his inspiration. At the time I thought it was so sweet but I didn't get it, now I get it.

As I look around this room at all of the smiling and concentrated faces. The people who have head phones in their ears and are listening to music. The group of ladies huddle together in a circle around words on a piece of paper trying to come up with something that will stand for the cast.

I'm so inspired by them and all of the things that we continue to do together as a group. They're the reason why I love this job so much. I love the people that we get to interact with everyday but the fact that I get to spend each day with them, is pretty special.

I'm so blessed.

Drizzle

Every single time I read this the last line gets me..... every-time.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not do anything dirty, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane."

There are days where I just get hit with a thought and I feel like I would be doing myself an injustice by not writing about it....today is not one of those days.

I'm sitting on the floor outside of the room in the Hostel that I'm staying in this week in Mexico City and I just want to write. I stayed home from work today because I was sick and I slept most of the day which is why it's 1am and I'm still awake.

I just want to write, I've found that even if I necessarily don't have anything special or important to say it's nice to just get my thoughts out in my journal or here on my handy dandy blog.

I watched this movie the other and I would love to share a quotation from it, "Most doors in life are closed so if you want to get in one, you'd better have an interesting knock."

Well that's it for now, time for bed.

Xoxox Nik.

Asian Invasion

Tomorrow I leave The Philippines and head to Mexico and I can't believe that it went by so fast. I made it. I mean I knew that I would but to actually be on the other side of these five weeks is just unreal.

So many ups and downs, so many trial and tribulations, so many adventures. I live a life full of adventures and tribulations and it's quite the life.

Being able to go visit an indigenous tribe in Puerta Princesa and going to the underground river again was just incredible. My experience last year in the Philippines was great but I was so caught up in my culture shock that I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. This year I was really able to just focus on the experience and I feel as if I got so much more out of it this time.

I grew a lot as a person these last five weeks, I'm not exactly sure how I changed as a whole but things feel different something about me is different.

One day on our community service we went to this site where we spent the day with these really awesome kids at this school named Talaudyong. While we were at the school the kids took us to this gorgeous beach and wanted us to swim with them but the majority of us didn't have swimsuits. We ended up just swimming in our clothes and it was one of the most simple and surreal experiences for me.

I was always the person that like didn't want to get her hair wet and never would have jumped in a pool with my clothes on. But there I was, fully dressed, in the ocean, playing with these kids and not focusing on anything but the feel of the water on my skin and the twinkle in their eyes.

Life here has changed me, so many things I guess have changed me, but life in UWP really has a way of causing almost immediate change. The rain smells different, dirt isn't as gross, sleeping on the floor in a room with 100 other people is a welcomed bonding time.....life is just different here.

Be around people who bring out the most in you....work for a company that demands the most from you...always push yourself to be the most. Life here has changed me and is pushing me to pull the most out of everything, especially myself. I'm almost always out of my comfort zone and that's such a wonderful feeling to me, to always feel like I'm pushing myself. The most, that's what I want to get out of everything...the absolute most.

Just sand....

I think that life, ughh life, sometimes can be so surprising and can throw you for such loops. It's beautiful and unreal and such an adventure, I think it's the biggest adventure that anyone could ever go on. At the moment I think that I'm internalizing so many feelings and that will either end up being a big mistake or a great thing, but despite that I'm able to see how blessed I am.

I have friends that I can go to when life is throwing me a loop hole and that's a beautiful thing. But freaking balls, it scares me that life moves so fast sometimes. I don't know if it's a selfish thing or just human nature that I get so caught up in my own life that I forget that things at home and the lives of my friends keep moving.

Yep, they definitely keep moving and I wish that I could be more present for them and that I could be a better friend when I'm so far away. But that's just the reality of it all and I'm sad and my heart is broken and I wish I could be more available but I can't. I'm trying to be present but that's really hard to do when some of the most important people in my life aren't here.

So new task.....be present in my Up With People life as well as my life at home...is that possible? I'm not really sure yet. Damn it. Isn't there a genie that I can ask for some wishes, I just want a solution is all I think.

Time to really figure this out. Life is great and that's all that matter, everything else is just sand.

Step one....

Step one. Look at your surroundings, take it all in.

Step two. Breathe in deeply. Inhale the space and all that it means.

Step three. Stop thinking and start living.

Somehow, when I stopped thinking and just started living my life ended up going full circle. I read a quotation the other day and it said, "Our lives went full circle backwards." I read that and I could totally relate to it, I'm currently in Puerta Princes, Philippines sitting in a coffee shop. Last year, I was in Puerta Princesa and at that time in my life I never, in my wildest dreams thought that I would be here again.

It's crazy how as soon as I stopped thinking about it, stopped focusing on the thing that stressed me out the most, I ended up living my dreams. I'm here and it's real and I'm happy and that's so important to me. Yes, I get homesick and I get sad and I miss things at home, but I'm very happy.

The culture shock, the new job, the new friends that I'm meeting everyday, I'm so happy. I think that the coolest part is that I'm happy but no matter what I'm not content nor am I satisfied with it. This is wonderful but it can get better and wowza am I looking forward to when it does.

I'm amazed with the way that life works, literally amazed with it. I think the beauty of my relationship with God and the way that I view him is the fact that there are so many things that I don't understand about life and the world and that's okay with me. I don't get how I'm here right now, and how I've been able to accomplish and experience so many things, I don't get it and that's alright. God has worked so many things out for me and I always end up looking back and being surprised by how things just fall together.

Step three is the one that I have the hardest time with, but it's the one that is the most rewarding for me. When I just stop and relax everything just falls into the right place, when I'm living in the present and giving my all to God and allowing myself to experience life, the future just resolves itself and that's awesome.

I'm just really happy and I'm excited for where my life is going to go in the future. The other day I met this person and they said to me, "I don't know you that well, but I know that one day you're going to be a big deal. You're going to be really successful at whatever you choose to do." That just meant so much to me and I'm always taken back when people believe in me as much as I believe in myself, it's so encouraging.

Future I'm so ready for you, but until you get here I'm going to enjoy the present.

Country Transition

The last week has been so much easier than I thought it would be. I'm currently in an office in Taiwan filled with Acer computers, next to the orphanage that I'm currently living in with my co workers. I think that it's safe to say that anyone would understand if I was going through some serious culture shock, but I'm not.

Or I guess I shouldn't just say that I'm not, but if I am, than I'm not consciously examining it right now. I won't say that I'm perfect and that I'm not feeling a little bit different than I usually do, but I'm definitely not in my panic or distress zone.

My cousin got married and I missed it and that makes me a little sad. Seeing the pictures online kind of bummed me out because I wasn't there for him but I know that this is where I should be, so I won't complain.

Our first day in Taiwan we stayed at this super cool temple and I felt like I was in a movie and since then, the cast has just been experiencing all of these super cool things. The people here are so nice too, they're so giving and understanding of things and I appreciate their kindness so much.

Whenever I'm in these countries I find myself very conflicted and confused internally. Some of these people live so differently than I live at home and one would almost argue that they're living in borderline poverty, but they're so happy. So unbelievably happy and I wonder if they're doing something right. Have they discovered one of the keys to happiness? Living simplisticly? I'm not sure.....I don't even know if simplisticly is a word but I'm going to continue using it.

I'm happy right now, I really am, but I just don't feel like myself and I'm not really sure why. I feel like there is something that is different inside, something missing again. Ughhh I'm reluctant to use the word missing, missing is such a strong word when used in this context so I use it very lightly. I love my job and if I could be anywhere else I would still choose to be here, but something is off. I'm not sure exactly what yet.

Ahoy mateys, I spot Taiwan ahead!

In about twenty four hours I'll be in a completely different place, literally a whole new world and man am I excited. I'm currently on a bus with half of Cast B'12 headed to NYC to begin the process of checking in and getting ready for our flight.

So I figured I should do a little country transition for myself and write down some of the things that I've learned these past few weeks about myself and just about anything.

Recently I learned that it's okay to be friends and reach out to people who have different personalities than I do. I've been so comfortable in the way that a lot of my friends are very outgoing and friendly and we're a lot a like. But here in uwp life there are so many people that are completely different than me that it would literally be a pity if I didn't branch out and get to know more people even though it's kind of out of my comfort zone.

I think that it's just so easy for me to be able to hang out with people that are like me, but this actually forces me to be more outgoing and adventurous when I talk to people who are different. So that's something that I'm challenging myself to do and I'm hoping that I do a good job at it.

Another thing that I learned is that sometimes when you're trying to learn about other people you end up learning the most about yourself. That's been such a crazy concept to me because by asking questions and starting to dig deep in someone else's personality you see the things that are parallel to your beliefs and it's such a cool experience.

Ughhh now that I actually want to write everything down my brain is blanking on what I've made. I may not be able to recount everything but I definitely feel it, and I know that something is different somewhere and I like it.

I have always been a sucker for life and now I'm just head over heels for what life is bringing me and how God has been allowing me to bless and be blessed by those around me. Ahoy, Taiwan awaits!

I don't need no ring, I don't need anything but you...

"Love is vivid. I never wanted the pale version. Love is full strength. I never wanted the diluted version. I never shied away from love's hugeness but I had no idea that love could be as reliable as the sun. The daily rising of love."

I believe....

"All I have, all I need is the air I would kill to breathe."

I believe in music and the way that it can make you feel.

 I believe in love and the way that whether it's romantic or platonic it can make you feel so wonderful.

I believe in hands and that they're meant to be used to help others up and at times to pull yourself up from the ashes.

I believe in death and how simple and peaceful it is. I believe in the light that it brings into the lives of those that are flooded by it instead of the dread and fear that it is rumoured to bring.

I believe in children and the innocence that lives within them. I believe in their words and the eyes that they use to view the things around them. I believe in their hearts and the way that they beat so strongly for the things around them.

I believe in change and the way that anyone, no matter how big or small they may be, can bring about it.

I believe in people and that there is not one single person in this entire world that was born evil and that deep down everyone has the ability and power to change their present and make a better future for themselves.

I believe in God and the way that he moves through every single aspect of my life. I believe in the way that he cares for me and loves me when I don't always show the world that I love him. The way that he's always in my corner....no matter what. I believe in his presence when I'm feeling the most alone and the way that he can wipe the tears that I never let fall and answer the prayers about goals that I'm not ambitious enough to say out loud.

I believe in my future and how very bright it is.

I believe in my mind and the way that it works for me. I believe in my abilities and the fact that they've gotten me so far in life.

I believe in those around me and the fact that they're always loving and supporting me. I believe in their faith and their unfaltering belief in how far I can go in life and how much I can accomplish.

At the end of the day, among everything else, I believe in me.

Pahsitivitee!

It has been weeks since I've written a blog and I feel a little weird inside because of it. Writing is such an outlet for me and to not have done it for so long has made me feel less like myself. So I apologize to anyone who reads this regularly and has been constantly greeted by the same post.

I came up with this motto this week or idea rather that has really helped me to stay motivated and driven throughout the day. Lately I've been going home completely exhausted and without energy and I've been so just not okay with being that exhausted. So I thought that instead of focusing on the negative I would focus on the positive. When I wake up in the morning my internal cup is filled to the brim with energy, positivity and talent so at the end of the day if I'm completely exhausted and feeling worn out then that is a wonderful thing.

The reason why I think that, is because I feel like if I go to bed dead tired and exhausted then that means that I released all of the energy and positivity that I woke up with into the world that day. If I go to bed full of energy and on a super high then that means that there is something that I had in me that should have been released into the world that day but wasn't.

I'm trying to work on being more positive and thinking of every single thing in my life as something that is a positive thing and not a negative thing. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can do this so that's it's optimistic and not fake in the way that I don't acknowledge bad things that go on in my life or in the world. So I'm searching for the happy medium but for now I just want to be more positive and not really think of the happy medium stuff.

I will try my hardest to write more because when I don't I miss it.

P.S. Pahsitivitee is a word.....maybe not. Positivity.

Happiness

"Then one student said that happiness is what happens when you go to bed on the hottest night of the summer, a night so hot that you can't even wear a tee-shirt and you sleep on top of the sheets instead of under them, although try to sleep is more accurate. And then at some point late, late, late at night, say just a bit before dawn, the heat finally breaks and the night turns cool and when you briefly wake up, you notice that you're almost chilly, and in your groggy, half-consciousness, you reach over and pull the sheet around you and just that flimsy sheet makes it warm enough and you drift back off into a deep sleep. And it's that reaching, that gesture, that reflex we have to pull what's warm, whether it's something or someone, towards us, that feeling we get when we do that, that feeling of being safe in the world and ready for sleep, that's happiness."

I concur.

Thee Cemetery...

So today I found it, thee Cemetery, the one that will hopefully be the place that my life changes. My host family took my room mate and myself to Boston today and we went to the cemetery where John Hancock was buried and I fell in love immediately.

Since I was little I've always had a thing for cemeteries. The place where I used to get tutored was surrounded by a cemetery and I went there with my siblings once a week for years and something about it just stuck with me. My friends and I would play between the tombstones and hang out there and read about the different people and it never seemed like a creepy place at all.

Once I got older and I went through that phase that most girls go through, I started to think about the place that I would want to be proposed too and the first thing that popped into my mind was a cemetery. There's something really appealing to me about the idea of starting a really large chapter in your life in a place where some people's lives have been put to rest.

I've only told a few people this fantasy of mine and most of them think that it's pretty weird but, I don't know, I think that it's perfect. The cemetery that we went to today, was so gorgeous. All of the tombstones and grave markers were super old, and some of them were illegible. It was pretty tiny and maybe had about 150 graves in it.

When I was getting ready to leave, I saw this tree towards the front of the cemetery off of the path and I immediately got chills. I couldn't help but think that if I could have my dream proposal that it would be in that cemetery under that tree.

I walked away from that place feeling as if I had a glimpse into the future. As if I had seen that part of my life flash before my eyes, the man of my dreams proposing to me in a place that until today I thought didn't exist. I  mean, I always wanted to be proposed to in a cemetery but I never thought it would ever happened until today. When I was on that brick pathway and I was staring up at that tree, I felt like everything came together and for once my plans made a deal with reality and said "we'll give her this one."

I'm sure that I may sound a little silly but there are a few things in life that mean a whole lot to me and this is definitely one of them. Fingers crossed, wishing on a star....that cemetery under that tree. The answer will be yes.

Colorado

Today is my last day in Colorado and man did it all go by so fast.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I was being flown to Colorado to start work as a PR for staging, now I'm heading to Mass as the Education Coordinator. Things can change in such a short amount of time, it's kind of unbelievable actually.

In the last year, my life has come full circle and yesterday I found myself saying bye to people that this time last year I was just starting my journey with. Now they're staying here and I'm the one leaving them behind, it's sad and exciting all at the same time.

Yesterday reminded me that you should never let first impressions keep you from getting to know a person because you never know if the future will bring the two of you together again. You never know if one day you'll be the one that needs them or if one day they'll actually end up being a good friend of yours.

These last few weeks have just been incredible and I'm very excited for the next five months.

If it's not like the movies...

I don't want it all...I don't need the horse and buggy or a ring the size of my face worth millions, I don't want the fairy tale happy ending. That's stupid. Well to me it is and that's probably not a very mature word to use but I'm ok with that.

I want passion that starts in my eyes and burns its way down to my toes. I want to argue and then laugh about how stupid we're being.

I don't want to find my better half, I'm already whole. I want to be united with that other whole person that feels complete and in spite of that, still wants to be around me, all the time. Yeah, that's what I want.

I think it's easy to fall in love and stay with someone, when you think that they complete you. Why would you want to break up with someone and then feel like you're missing half of yourself, for the rest of your life, that would suck, so yeah, I get that.

But I think it's even harder to feel like you're whole, and that you're absolutely happy with things but yet you still want to welcome someone else into your life. You don't need them, but you want them. Yeah, I like that a lot.

I don't want to feel like I need to have someone around to be happy, I would instead want them around to add to my happiness. Two happy people coming together to be happier, instead of two unhappy people searching for each other with the hope of being happy one day.

Yeah, no. I don't need prince charming, or Mr. Big, that's not for me.

 This weekend I went to this absolutely adorable cabin in the middle of the woods and it's a bed and breakfast. I had such a nice breakfast and when we started to head out the first thing I thought was "I want to come here for my honeymoon."

That thought seriously shocked me because that's never what I saw for myself. I always thought that I would want to go to some exotic place, but instead my heart cried out for this gorgeous cheap cottage in the middle of the woods.

So I guess that's what I want, a cute little cottage with the love of my life, nothing fancy, just the two of us eating eggs benedict and falling deeper in love. That sounds pretty nice to me.

Two things....

Marry someone who brings out the most in you, that's what the following quotation made me think. Minus the hell part, it's exactly what I want in a partner.

"Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones that bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive, that you'd follow them straight to hell just to keep getting your fix."

Second thing, this quotation hit me like a ton of bricks and made me really think.

"It is very sad to me that some people are so intent on leaving their mark on the world that they don't care if that mark is a scar."

XoXo

If looks could kill....

Before recently I never really spent much time thinking about the way that I look at people. Whether I look at them with a negative or positive light I just hashed it up as a part of life and never really examined what it's like, like I said before, until now.

It's an interesting transition when you go from looking at someone and seeing a stranger to looking at someone and seeing a friend or your future. Also the reverse, when someone goes from being a person that you see as being so absolutely familiar, to a complete stranger, it's pretty difficult to deal with.

I've seen on movies and heard people say things like "they way he looks at her is unreal," or the other way around and it's really hard to understand until you find someone or something that puts a sparkle in your eyes.

Now, I'm a firm believer in having your own passions and being whole before you go into a relationship, but I also believe that if a significant other isn't bringing something into your life than they're a waste of time. That's why I love it when people start to get those looks, when they're eyes start to shine when they see the object of their affection, it's beautiful really.

Also it's a pretty crazy feeling to be able to notice when you're looking at someone different, you realize it and you wonder if anyone else notices. Do they notice the sparkle that fills your eyes when that person comes into the room or the smile that consumes your gaze when you catch their eye.

I wonder when does that change, that must begin in your heart, transition to your eyes. When does it go from being just something that you feel, to something that others can see? If I had the answers, I would tell them to you I promise, but I don't. It's kind of neat to think about though I think.

I love how slowly love can move through your body, it's like going from super cold water to a hot tub. You feel this crazy tingle at first and then it just consumes you, like a slow over whelming fire. I especially love how that fire goes from warming your body to building a permanent resident in your eyes for others to see, yeah I love that part most.

Later folks.

If only you could live....

I like to think that I live everyday as if it's my last, but today I was kind of grounded in the way that I was reminded that, that's not really true at all.

If today was my last Monday on earth what would I do? Who would I talk to on the phone, how would I spend my time? It's hard to even imagine that today is my last Monday on earth, because in my heart I know that it's not, but for sake of the post, I'll entertain the idea.

If today was my last Monday on earth, I'd do a dance in the street that spelled out Monday, I'd wake up to the sunrise and make sure to see the sunset. I'd call my parents and tell them that when I was ten I took twenty dollars out of my dads wallet and spent it on candy, I'd apologize and put twenty dollars in the mail.

If today was my last Monday on earth, I'd be kinder. I'd hold my tongue and be less inclined to hurt the feelings of others with my words. If today was my last day, I'd work harder to encourage the people around me to reach for the excellence that they're destined to achieve. If it was my last day I'd thank the Lord for twenty two beautiful years on the earth, 22 years filled with endless happiness.

If it was my last Monday, I'd get in touch with all the guys that crossed my path and I'd apologize for the way I treated them, apologize for the scars I may have left. If it was my last Monday I'd kick myself for not reaching for more, but then pat myself on the back for the amount of things I was able to achieve in such a short time.

I'd force myself to spend the last week being passionate, kind and loving. I'd give all of myself to the people around me and I would leave them with the knowledge that they meant the world to me and the time I had with them was greatly appreciated.

If it was my last Monday I'd say I love you more often and never utter the phrase I hate you ever again. I'd make a video and send it to my niece and nephews so that they'd never forget their crazy aunt Nikki, the one that's main goal in life was to change the world, one person at a time.

I would throw fears to the wind and I'd call him and fall in love. If it was my last Monday I'd do so much. The thing is, this isn't my last Monday and I'm so blessed to know that I have a life full of Mondays to live. So what now?

I guess it's time to start living....

Soul food...

"Be free, my friend. Learn to love yourself, your emotions, your thoughts. Do the things that you love to do and fill your life with happiness. Learn to accept that life gives us no warnings and that emotions and situations are only temporary. Keep only the people in your life who love you and make you happy, and drift away from the ones who don't. You and only you are capable of making yourself happy and free. And no matter what, know that life goes on and things keep moving. Let go of grudges and the bad thoughts, let go of the people who don't want you around, let go of everything in your life that doesn't make you feel good inside. Learn to be at peace with yourself and you will find all the answers."

Things I wish I never knew...

That the tooth fairy wasn't real. When I was little I always put my teeth under my pillow and waited for the tooth fairy to come get them. When I found out that it was my parents, sometimes my siblings, that left me money it was a pretty sad day. I didn't believe in Santa Claus growing up, so the tooth fairy was my thing, it was nice having it.

I wish I never knew that not all friendships last forever. I think that before someone really burns you, you have the wonderful ability to throw yourself into these friendships with people, with these people that you want in your life forever if possible. Sometimes forever isn't possible and not all friendships last and that's ok, but life was easier when every kid you met on the play ground was your best friend and pinky promises were law.

I wish I never knew that hearts could break. That sometimes the people who claim to love you the most can be the ones that hurt you the most. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if everyone forgot the pain of their heartbreaks. Would it just be a world full of a continuous cycle of pain? Or would it be easier for people to love again because they didn't hold the pain of past relationships against their future? I'm not sure...

I wish that social media didn't have such a strong hold on my generation. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I can keep in touch with my friends and family through the internet and see them no matter where they are with skype and other things. But what I wish was more prevalent in my generation is letter writing and phone calls and trains rides, everyone is so quick to just post on a persons wall or text them or hop on a plane. I want to sit on the phone for hours catching up with the ones I love, wait for letters from people who mean the most to me and hop on a train or drive a car hours to get to where I need to go.

I'm sure there are other things that I wish I never knew but I can't really think of them. I think it's a really strong amount of responsibility one has to take on for their life once they either hear or learn about something that they would rather not know. You can either let that new information hold you back from believing in the unreal, having great friendships, falling in love and writing letters or you can push past the current and make a new future for yourself.

I believe that we all have a large amount of control in our lives and the way that we turn out, and I plan to make sure that my life turns out great, no matter what. Don't let what you know hold you back, instead let it propel you.

Enjoy your Sunday friends. XoXo

"I love the build up....when touching turns into grabbing. Soft lips, into passionate tongues. And your heartbeat getting faster, and faster."

The result of a lack of support, maybe?

I have a thought, that I want to explore a little bit here. With all of the things that have been going on lately in the news it's hard not to wonder what is the core of why people do the things that they do.

Sometimes I wonder the power of stereotypes and a lack of support. I think that many times young people in this world suffer and don't reach their full potential because of a lack of support. I use the word support as a way to group a few things together, I think that sometimes students aren't pushed to meet their full potential.

When someone is told repeatedly that they have the potential, to be more than what they are, I think that it really makes them have a drive to be better and to achieve more. On the other hand, when someone is never given that positive affirmation I think it's easier for them to fall into negativity.

I don't really have the answers for why some people turn out great and end up doing wonderful things in life and others end up becoming murderers. I just had a thought....that's all.

Goodnight Pals.

The price of life...

For anyone who doesn't know, I live in Colorado now and yesterday, well early this morning rather, a shooting occurred in a movie theater and it claimed the lives of 12 individuals and wounded many more.

It's safe to say that though I didn't know any of the people that were affected by the shooting, my life was definitely impacted today. I was woken up at 4am this morning from texts messages from my friends at homes asking if I was ok. At that point I wasn't even aware that something had happened and from then on for the rest of the day I was returning phone calls and messages assuring my friends and family that I was alright.

I was nauseous for most of the day thinking about the people that were killed, especially the children, who never had a chance to enjoy so many of the wonderful things that life has to offer. I couldn't help but think about how highly I value life and how this person didn't place the same value to the lives of others.

I'm sad to admit it but, I was initially filled with hate for this person. I thought to myself, who does this guy think he is? What makes you so important that you get to choose between whether people live or die? I just wanted him to pay for what he did, and honestly I still want him to pay for what he did but now that desire for justice isn't fueled by hate, instead it's fueled by love. Love for those that lost their lives and their families, even deep down I think love for this young man that got so lost in life that he thought it was the right decision to kill a dozen people.

It breaks my heart to read about stories and people like this, where did this young man fall through the cracks? Who went wrong, who is to blame? Why didn't he get the help he needed before he went on a rampage? I just feel so sorry for him, not only has he ended the lives of so many people, but consequently he ended his own life as well, he'll never have freedom again for as long as he lives. That's the price he has to pay for what he did.

Today started out as a very difficult day and as it went on I was just reminded that no matter what happens in life, no matter how many tragedies this earth faces, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. As harsh as that may sound, in the grand scheme of things life never stops, even when 12 people lose their lives, the world around them just keeps spinning.

When I was your age...

One thing that I absolutely enjoy more than words can really express, is hanging out with people that are 25 years or more my senior.

When I was in high school I never really thought that people older than me had much to teach me and then I wised up to the world and realized that I didn't know anything about anything. Now I really value the time that I get to sit and enjoy time with either my parents or in this case with my host family.

Tonight I went to dinner with my host parents and their friends and it was so interesting to hear about how the world used to be when they were younger and how much it has changed since then. They talked about politics and where they see the future of this country but they also talked about their first concerts and their favorite bands and other really interesting things.

I was just really touched by the way that they look at my generation, they acknowledge the fact that my generation is the future of this country and anything that we do whether good or bad is due to the raising and upbringing of their generation. Which I think is a pretty powerful statement to be able to acknowledge and take responsibility for something like that.

It was just really nice to be able to sit there with them and not talk but instead just listen. I felt like a fly on the wall at times because I was able to just sit their and soak up all of their conversation whether I agreed with all of it or not, it was such a learning experience. I believe that one of the best ways to have a great future is to learn about and learn from the generation that came before yours.

If we as a generation learn about the mistakes that our parents and their peers made we will not make the same mistakes. It seems like such a simple idea but I feel as if so many people don't take the time to sit and talk to their parents about their childhoods and the mistakes they made in life and I think  that is really sad.

We just have this one life to live and this one world to live in, lets make the best of it. Agreed?

There's always a quotations for my emotions

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was.....And I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold on to it and make sure that it never changed."

Aye, yo therapy.

Everyone needs that one thing that no matter where or when they do it, it has the power to make them feel better. I feel like I'm lucky enough to have so many of those things in my life, dance, music, writing and other things.

Though I don't get to run often, when I do, I literally forget about everything that is going on and just focus on breathing and not stopping. It's such an exhilarating feeling to not think about anything but how to keep going, it's makes me feel so alive and it keeps me fit which is a plus.

Writing, I love to journal and Blog. Even though I was a communication major in college and it's easy for me to express ideas and concepts I have a very hard time with putting my feelings into words. Writing and journalling really helps me to do that.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, the realization that it's very difficult for me to put my genuine feelings about others and even myself into verbal conversation. It's very easy for me to cover up how I feel about things and people by just being sarcastic and it hurts me sometimes that I can't easily express how much I care about people. I feel like most people who know me, really know how I feel about them but it's nice to hear it, and I wish I could do that for them.

Other things that are forms of therapy for me....I've been dancing a lot lately and I've found that it's really difficult to be sad or even down about things when you get to do something that you love on a daily basis. I literally get to dance at least three times a week, and it's just unbelievable. I'm so glad that I was given the opportunities that I have and that I've been able to really flourish and grow here.

I've been learning a lot about myself this week and it's been interesting and eye opening. I've been able to be brutally honest with myself about things and that has forced me to begin the process of growing as a person. Also I was really honest and open with people about who I am and they way that I feel about things and it just caught me off guard because I didn't expect it to happen and also I didn't expect to be received as well as I was by them.

I'm head over heels in love with the way that things are going in my life right now I'm so thankful, I know that things will only get better from here.

Your umbrella...

There's something about a storm in the middle of the day to remind you that it's never too late to wipe your slate clean and start all over. It's raining right now. Rain used to make me sad, forever and a day ago, it would start to rain and I would feel depressed. Now rain makes me feel alive. 

 

Last night I got home and it was pouring so hard, I got out of the car and for a few seconds I just stood in the rain. Water falling from the heavens all over me. It's so beautiful, so simplistic and almost unreal. Water falling in droplets from the sky, washing away the dirt, putting out fires, cleansing your soul, if you let it. 

The other day I saw this quotation about rain and it made think of a person that I used to be, it said " I'm sorry that I was both your umbrella and the rain." 

Have you ever known someone that liked you so much that you could immediately make their day better as well as make it worse depending on how you spoke to them. That quotation made me think of a situation like that, it didn't make me feel bad, but it was just so perfect in the way that it summed up that part of my life and how I handled it, whether it was good or bad. 

I think that once your mindset changes about certain things in life, you learn to look at rain differently. I was the negative rain in that person's life at the time because he let me be. People only have as much power as you allow them to have, after that thing was over I changed because other people I knew would not allow me to be that rain. 

I think it's ok at times to let someone else be your umbrella if they want too, let them take the brunt of the storm until your strong enough to deal with it yourself. I do not, think that it's ok to let someone be the unpleasant rain in your life, they shouldn't bring you down, instead they should always be lifting you up. 

Like all my posts, this blog ended up being about more things than I intended it to be about, but that's fine. My main point was and still is that rain is beautiful and shouldn't be thought of as something that's depressing or that ruins your day, but instead as something that waters the land and makes the earth and those that inhabit it feel alive. 

Enjoy your rainy day if you're blessed to have one folks. Laterrrrr

Gabourey Sidibe

"I just know that I was tired. I was tired of thinking less of myself because others did. People always ask me,  "you have so much confidence, where did that come from?" It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors that I really like, I wear make up that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it's your home and you must decorate it."

Sir Lancelot.....

So I got a new computer today and I'm very excited because my old one was not cutting it any more but anyone who knows me really well knows that moving on isn't really easy for me either.

I'm laughing right now because I know that this sounds ridiculous but when I got my first laptop about four and a half years ago I named him Sir Lancelot of Shire town. Ever since then we've had a pretty fantastic relationship.

When he broke about two years ago for the first time, I was absolutely devastated and literally cried for an hour until my parents told me that they would get him fixed right away.

I know it sounds silly, so silly, but stick with me here. When people I know use my computer I would always make them introduce themselves to Sir Lancelot first so that he could get to know them before they started using him, it was our little routine.

Now I have new computer and things are going to be totally different, today my best friend asked me what I'm going to name it and I have no idea. I just feel so bad replacing Sir Lancelot.

Hahaha, I'm literally laughing out loud over how crazy I might sound right now, but it's ok lol. I just love that computer, he's been around for a lot. I wrote my first blog entry on that little guy, I cried typing on him, I've taken my fair share of naps with him and now I have to let him go.

The coolest part is that I won't be throwing him away but instead I'm going to donate him to a children or youth centre so that someone can get some use out of him.

So long dear friend, I hope that someone treats you better than I ever did.

Love you Sir Lancelot, you'll always be royalty to me.

Is love enough...

People always kind of have a mini heart attack when I say that I don't believe that love is ever enough in a relationship. In any kind of relationship, your relationship with your parents, a family member, a significant other and even with God, love isn't enough.

When I think of love, in it's purest and most perfect form, God's love, even that isn't enough. (hear me out) If God just loved us and never sent his son to die for our sins, his love wouldn't be anything but just a nice gesture because we would all still be lost.

If our parents loved us but never fed us or did anything to make sure that we had a healthy and safe life, than their love wouldn't be enough.

You can't just love someone. Your love has to prompt you to do things for that person that maintains their happiness, health and safety.

That's why I believe many relationships fail even though both parties really love each other, because they realize that love is not enough. There are so many factors in a relationship that keep it healthy and on the road to success, yes love is a big part of it, but it's not the only part.

My mom, one of the greatest women in the world, has always done so much for me. The reason why is because she loves me, she loves me so much that her and my dad want me to have the best and most fulfilling life possible. They love my siblings and I so much that they work hard to make sure that we have food and shelter and that we're safe and never have to want for anything. They more than love us, they take care of us.

I hope I'm making sense. I was just thinking about this today and I think that more relationships would be successful if people more than loved each other. I feel like there is some kind of logic behind my craziness, I don't know, I can't really explain it as well as I want too, but it makes sense to me. I'll try better again sometime.

Goodnight Folks.

10 things I hate about you

"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

I have always loved this movie and I think the reason why is because it's so realistic. They go to this gorgeous school ( which is a real school, my friend Colin went there) and the two sisters are so different but yet they have this sister bond. It's my favorite Heath Ledger movie and every time I watch it, it reminds me of how sad I was when he died. He definitely died too soon.

It's kind of silly I guess, but I always either cry or want to cry at the end when she reads that poem. It's just so real and realistic in the way that when you really care about someone even when they hurt you, you want to hate them but you just can't.

I guess, I don't really have much to say tonight. I just love this movie and it reminded me of younger times and I just really like it and the way it touches my heart still to this day.

Just be here.

One thing that I've been telling myself a lot lately is to be present. I watched this commercial for this documentary entitled "Just be here," and it so much reached out to how I've been talking and dealing with myself lately.

The future is so large and exciting and I'm always so ready to conquer it, to the point where I forget to just be here. Don't let today get in the way of tomorrow, but don't let tomorrow keep you from enjoying today.

My next tattoo will be on my right wrist and it will either say be present or just be here. I only get one try. Everyday is another chance to be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do, I want to take advantage of those 24hours and make them memorable.

Today I spent time with my best friend, skyped my best friend at home, worked out, journaled, prayed, read my bible, called my family and other things. At first I thought today was going to be just a super boring day, but instead I decided to invest in it and just make it the best it could be and I'm so pleased with the way it turned out.

Just be here. Everyday, just take every moment you have and make the most out of it. Don't keep chasing the future, because sooner or later the future will be the present and you won't even know how to enjoy it. Get used to being present.

Enjoy today, don't be affected by yesterday and don't worry about tomorrow. Life is so beautiful and we only have a short amount of time to enjoy it. Make your life one worth remembering!

Lose....

I don't understand and I don't think that I will ever understand how someone can be here one second and gone the next.

The hardest concept to wrap your mind around, well actually forget your mind, rather to wrap your heart around, is unexpected lose. I think it's such a difficult thing to really grasp with one's heart. It's one of those things that I really need to seek God about because it just hurts me so deeply to my heart and I think the lack of understanding is what hurts the most.

Praying for all of the families who have lost love ones.

Xoxox. Nik.

Weddings and Pinterest

So, I'm single...duh, everyone knows that but recently I joined Pinterest and I've become obsessed with wedding stuff. So now I have to write out all of my ideas somewhere and I figured why not my favorite writing outlet. =)

So I decided the other day when I saw an episode of Sex and the City, that I want, I don't know exactly what you call it, but like a saxophone band at my reception. Just a bunch of people on instruments that are either saxophones or sound like them and have the same kind of sound and feel to them. I think it would be absolutely gorgeous.

Also I want my reception to be very intimate and candlelit. I want it to be a lot of fun as well but I want it to be very, very intimate feeling. I want all of the table setting to have little intimate facts about my groom and myself.

On Pinterest I saw a table setting that was number 5 and it said "day in May we met," and I just thought it was the cutest thing ever.

Also I saw this cool thing where the couple had a bible at the entrance of their reception and their guests were asked to circle their favorite bible verse, or a verse that reminded them of love. How adorable is that! I know, I'm being such a girl right now, but bear with me.

Ahh! I just saw this picture where the bride and groom were kissing and there bodies were far away from each other and blurred out. In between them in the background was the entire wedding party including the bride and grooms parents!

I'm beyond obsessed right now, I'm finding all these super adorable pictures and ideas about things to do on your wedding day and I'm overwhelmed and super excited. I'm glad that I'm not getting married for a while because I have plenty of time to decide what I like and what I want.

Okay, no more being a lame wedding crazed girl.....or at least no more writing about it.

over and out folks.

Oh, times are changing.

One thing that you'll learn about me, or maybe you won't idk, is that I have such a hard time with change.

I don't mean change in the sense of physical change. I enjoy moving often and being in new situations. What I can't take, is when people change or more importantly when relationships change.

I don't care if my best friend becomes a completely different person but if our friendship is affected and we're not as close as we were before, it literally kills me.

And it's kind of ironic because I always kind of didn't really care about people. What I mean by that is that I didn't have a hard time letting people out of my life. If someone annoyed me or got on my nerves, it was very easy for me to decide that I just didn't want to be friends with them anymore.

But now, post Uwp life, I just want to maintain relationships because friendships are just so important and people who love you, when you can't do anything for them, are people who you want in your life.

I just get so nervous, with all this moving business, I'm scared that I'll visit my friends from home and things will be different. Or I'll see a friend that I traveled with that I haven't seen in six months and we won't have the deep connection or bond that we had with each other when we were on the road.

My heart literally hurts when I think about not having some people in my life. It scares me so bad, and people say that if someone walks out of your life then you should let them go because they never wanted to be there in the first place, and I don't believe that at all.

I've walked out of peoples lives and lucky for me I was able to walk back into their lives once I realized that I didn't know if I wanted to live life without them. There are people that I miss all the time because I wasn't strong enough to stay and work on our relationship, instead I just walked away.

I think that if someone walks out of your life and you don't want them to leave then you should swallow your pride and try and get them back. Then after you try and you make a fool out of yourself and you risk everything, if they don't come back then at least you know you tried.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, and now I"m crying.....I"m just scared. I know so many wonderful people and I hope that I'm blessed to have them in my life forever.

People say that maybe some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, but I want this season to last the rest of my life.

I just love the people that are in my life and I hope they know how much they all mean to me, every single last one of them. I would do anything for them and I'm just the luckiest girl in the world to say that I'm surrounded by such gorgeous and amazing people.

Sleep well readers. I love you....and I mean it.

Father's Day.

What a wonderful day to celebrate the men that shape a females life and the way she enters and behaves in relationships, Fathers.

I'm so blessed to have a truly, amazing father and now that I've grown to value his opinion and to actually listen to it, my dad has become a friend of mine as well.

My dad and I weren't really that close growing up and I don't know if that was mostly my fault or not but it is what it is. Now though, that I've grown up a lot, I've learned to really cherish him as not only my father but as a person as well.

I love spending time with my dad and just sitting and watching movies with him or going out to eat with him and my mom. They're just such simple people it doesn't take much to make them happy and they just love spending time with us they don't really care what we do.

I remember when I used to work nights I came home one night at about 2am and my dad was sitting on the couch watching TV. When I asked him what he was doing up he said that he was just waiting for me to come home and then he went to sleep. It meant so much to me that he had stayed up for me and it's funny cause you always know that your parents love you, but when they do things like that it really reaffirms it for you.

I always tell people that I want to marry someone who is like my father and sometimes they think it's weird but I don't really care. Growing up my dad did anything he could to make sure that his family was not only well taken care of but that we were happy as well.

My dad worked a lot but he was always home for dinner and he was always home on the weekends. Though he may have missed a few dance recitals my dad always made sure that my siblings and I knew that he loves us even if he didn't come out and say the words directly.

Growing up my father showed me by example how a man should treat his wife and his family. My father never disrespected my mother and he did and still does love her so much and he is very vocal about his love for her. I remember my dad used to and still does randomly bring my mother home flowers or cards, just because, just to remind her how much he loves her and I always thought that was so nice when I was little.

I'm so blessed and thankful for my parents and I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am right now without them.

Most importantly I want to say a happy fathers day to our heavenly father for always watching over me and my entire group of family and friends. Lord you're so good to me and I don't even deserve your love and kindness.

Even though I didn't get to spend this fathers day with my dad, it's still a wonderful day and I'm beyond happy.

Later skaters.

Chick Flicks.

I'm a very blessed young lady. These last two weeks, I've been lucky enough to watch these really awesome movies that have kind of taught me about myself.

I watched, Runaway Bride, Something borrowed, Crazy Stupid Love and other chicks flicks those are just the ones that jump out in my memory.

The main character in Runaway bride reminded me so much of myself. She was constantly changing herself in relationships and when it was time for her to get married, she would be conflicted because she knew she wasn't being herself so she would run.

And that's happened to me so many times, I've always changed myself for people and when it's time for me to commit to them I can't because I know that I'm not being myself so I runaway. In the end of the movie she meets the right guy for her and she still runs because even though he knows the real her, she doesn't know herself. That movie taught me that I need to learn who I am before I can try to let someone else get to know me.

In the movie Something Borrowed, it's a movie about this lady that is in love with her best friends fiance and (spoiler) they end up together. The reason why it touched me so much was because they both had to do something that was so hard in order to be happy. They had to disappoint their family in order to be happy.

I've been faced so many times with situations where I've been so afraid to do something because of the people who possibly would be mad at me or who I would disappoint. But I've come to the point in my life where I have to do things, I have to follow my soul in order to be happy and everyone may not be happy with the decisions I make, and that's ok.

When I watched Crazy Stupid Love, it was just a reminder that when you love someone and when you want something you fight for it, no matter what. Don't let anyone come in between you and what you want, follow your heart.

Ughhh I'm filled with stupid lovey dovey feelings over these movies and it's awesome! I'm really excited to keep exploring and spending time with myself and finding out more things about myself and trying to learn who I am as a person and Christian in this world.

Over and Out folks. Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend. <333

Flight risk.

When I'm being completely honest with myself, not holding back at all, I know that when it comes to relationships I'm a flight risk.

As much as I like you, I'm going to subconsciously look for a way out, and now that that's something that I know about myself I try really hard to work on it.

I'm always looking for an excuse. He's too nice, he's too short, his sense of humor doesn't match mine, he can't deal with my brothers..etc. I have a book of excuses in my brain that I can no problem reference often.

But one thing that I have learned about myself this last year is that sometimes it's a good idea to walk away from something, no matter what other people say. They can tell you that you're just making excuses or you're just scared but ultimately it's your decision.

If your potential or actual significant other says something to you, no matter how small it may be, that hits you in that sore spot in your heart and you bring it to their attention and they don't acknowledge the pain it caused you, then it's ok to walk away.

No one should ever treat you worse than or respect you less than you respect yourself. Love God and yourself first, don't ever put a boyfriend or a girlfriend or whatever before you.

If someone doesn't treat you right, walk away. Point. Blank. Period.

Life is too short for you to surround yourself with people who don't make your life better in anyway. Please just be happy. Love with all you, make mistakes and always learn from them. Always pick up the pieces to your life, no matter what happens, even if you're picking up the pieces alone.

Marry someone who loves God more than they love you, because they'll never leave you and as long as you continuously seek Gods face you'll always know where their heart is.

The point of this whole post is, just be happy and if someone makes you unhappy don't be around them, no excuses, no trying to be a nice person, just let them out of your life and find people that make you happy.

Later folks.

Here and only here.

I feel like I child in the middle of a horrible custody battle. Colorado is my estranged father that was never around but I love so much and Pennsylvania is the mother that has raised me and taken care of me.

Ha! I sound crazy but stick with me.

I've left my mother who was always there for me to stay with a dad, that is wonderful but was never a father.

Pretty much what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I left part of my heart in Pennsylvania when I ran away to pursue my future and find my happiness in Colorado.

I love it here so much, I really do please don't get me wrong, if I could do it all over again I still would have gotten on that plane on May 29th and been right here. I just feel like the only way that I can truly be happy is that I just have to be here....

I feel like I'm still living mostly in Pennsylvania, my heart, my soul, my mind, I go back there so often during the day and that needs to stop. I'm so focused at work and I throw myself into my duties so that my mind can be preoccupied but as soon as I get home, I go back to Pennsylvania.

I have to be present....I have to be here. For right now my life isn't in Pennsylvania anymore, it's here. I need to be here.

I told myself today "no more sadness," I can't let unimportant things or people make me sad anymore, I'm living the dream. I literally have the job of my dreams, I'm 22 and I have the job of my dreams, it's unreal. I'm so happy, and I just need to be present and allow myself to be happy here.

That intro was so dramatic lol especially coming from a person who has never come close to being a part of a custody battle. My parents have been married for 31 years and they're really happy together.

Anyway, for anyone who's wondering how I'm doing here, in this new town, I'm doing great and I genuinely love it here. I look forward to going into work everyday, which isn't something that I ever thought I'd feel, but hey, I guess I got lucky.

"Let's just work on being present, she tells herself as she wipes away the tears and put away the pictures from home."

Be present.

John Mayer in concert

"Well it’s a Saturday night. That means that some of you may be getting a text this evening. Late, late, late in the evening. That may have three civilest but most devilish words ever put together followed by a question mark: “Are you up?” and if you get that text that says “are you up,” which only really comes from somebody you’ve already loved, and you are up, don’t do the thing that you always do and say “no I’m not up, not for you,” because you really are up. And there is really nothing you’d rather do. So if you get that text that says “are you up?” Text back, “Yes come over.” Because it does no use, it does no good to fight it. You’ll be over it when you’re over it, but if you’re still fighting it just give in. Because if you give in it means you’ve got love. It might not be love that lasts forever, but it last for awhile, and that’s a lot of time a little while. So go ahead tonight, and if you feel like falling back into something that you had before just fall back. And don’t beat yourself over the head for it, just do it. Just do it and actually enjoy it. You’ll have tomorrow to figure it all out but yes you’re up, yes you’re awake. Just say come over, just say come over. Lie here with me, lie here with me… don’t say a word text come over, and lie here with me."

Forest Boy

So I read this wicked awesome story today on Yahoo news, it was about this boy that was found in the woods or something in Berlin.

One day this kid who looks like he's like, idk maybe 17 years old or so, walks out of the woods and tell authorities that he had been living in the woods for years with his dad. His dad had died and the boy claims he had to bury his dad in the woods and then he came out to join civilization.

The kid can speak English as well as some words of German and they matched his DNA to missing children reports and they can't match him with anyone. He told the authorities that his father used to call him Ray so that's what they call him I guess.

I'm going to attach the link at the end so you all can see this kids adorable little smile. I think that's what made the story so interesting to me because this kid has lost both his parents has absolutely no family and he still can plaster the most sincere smile on his face.

Now if that's not strength than I don't know what is.

http://news.yahoo.com/berlin-police-release-photo-forest-boy-065525936.html

Lego House....

I have so many thoughts going through my head. It's not a bad thing but it's making me feel unfocused because I want to get them all out but I don't feel like there are enough venues for me to do so.

I wish I wrote more poetry.

The above sentence is weird because that's not what I initially planned to say but it just came out, so I guess that must be how I'm really feeling.

When I used to write poetry, at least one a week, I used to spill my entire heart into those pages. I would come up with pieces that portrayed emotions that I didn't even realize I was feeling. It was incredible and healing and very therapeutic, it was exactly what I needed to be okay at the time.

Now I'm in a place in my life where I feel such a strong feeling of, how do I say this, self worth. I feel like I'm doing things that are important and that I'm starting to come into myself so much and it's an amazing feeling.

But there are still things that I can't get out, that don't leave my body when I run, and that can't be explained enough to make me feel better when I blog.

I feel like I'm, I don't know, continuously finding myself and then getting lost again. Which sometimes I attribute to my age and other times I count it as a symptom of my wild and restless heart.

I'm a constant contradiction. I dream about love, I sing songs about it and I write about it, but whenever I get close to it I run away.

I need to write more poetry.

I'm so close to tears right now because I always feel so strong and set to face the world. Then there are times where I actually sit down and allow my self to settle and I'm faced with emotions that I'm unable to really deal with.

Today I put out into the world that I want to be a documentary filmmaker. In a few years I plan to go to film school and then I'm going to travel the world making films.

See what I did there, I distract myself from my emotions by planning and focusing on a goal. One day all this self reflection, running, blogging, journaling, crying and praying will make me into a better person and an even better wife. I'm convinced of it.

Until then I'm going to just take one day at a time. As strong as my emotions may be I'm going to work on facing them instead of suppressing them. Wish me luck.

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces, and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down."

Goodnight folks.

It's a funny feeling, the feeling that starts in your chest and moves through the rest of your body.

You're driving down a road and your exit, or turn or whatever comes up and you almost don't take it. A part of you just wants to keep driving.

What's ahead of me if I just keep driving and don't look back?

There's a certain kind of fear that comes when you realize that the thing/ person that you've been trying to get away from is yourself. It's so scary when you're faced with situations where you literally have to spend hours upon hours with a person that you don't know if you really like that much, yourself.

I had to do that this week. I had a lot of alone time and reflection time and at first I was literally terrified. What was I going to do by myself? I'm happy to say that it actually ended up being a lot better than I thought it would be.

I think that when you move or go somewhere, where you don't really know a lot of people, it's imperative that you get to know yourself. Especially if you're family isn't around, you need to realize that no matter who lets you down or doesn't come through for you in this new place that you always have yourself, and as small as it may sound it's actually really big.

 To know that I can depend on myself, and know that when hard times come I won't break, that's a very refreshing feeling. I know that my family will always be there for me, but if something, like distance, stands in between them being right there, then I have myself.

Sometimes you have to be your own shoulder to cry on, your own hand up. It's not called being lonely or being a loser or anything silly like that, I think I would refer to it as being self reliant and self sufficient.

Who can you rely on when you can't even rely on yourself? It's a devastating feeling to be disappointed in yourself, but it's also an amazing feeling to know that you can count on yourself as well.

Okay, that's enough. I feel like I'm rambling a little now, but I think you get the point.

I'm here in Denver and I'm learning something new everyday. Whether it has to do with my job or the people around me, or myself and I feel like I'm continuously being pushed past my comfort zone and it's a great feeling.

I feel so blessed, so very blessed. Goodnight folks.

The presence of the Lord

Today I was driving home from work and for some reason I just had to have my sunglasses on. So I started feeling around for them and I just couldn't find them. So I pulled over into this school parking lot and I went into the back seat to get them out of my backpack.

Low and behold they're not in my backpack and I look in at the door pocket on the drivers side and there they are. So while I'm putting them on this older gentleman walks up to me and asks me about the company car. He says "Excuse me ma'am, what's Up With People, do you guys lift people up in the world or something."

He was so sincere with his approach and at first I was stand offish but when I looked at his face I could tell life dealt him a tough hand. We got the talking and he told me about how he was homeless and his family was dead and he needed money to catch the bus to get to the homeless shelter.

Now, it's very rare that I give a homeless person money, just because you never really know, I usually will offer to buy them food or something. But for some reason while I was talking to him this overwhelming peace came over me and it was like the Lord was telling me to help his son.

I gave the guy a few bucks and I told him "God bless you" and he shook my hands and said, "No, God bless you, thank you so much." When he walked away I was rushed with this overwhelming feeling to call him back and give him the rest of the cash I had in my wallet, only $13. But of course, my mind went crazy with thoughts like, "hey you might need that this week."

As he walked away I couldn't help but be completely and utterly amazed by what had just happened in my life. I hear people say we need to be Gods hands and feet but to actually feel the Lord guiding you to do something and removing all fear and doubt so that you know it's right was just unbelievable.

I drove home and I had butterflies in my stomach to the point where I was queasy. God used me, this low and dirty vessel to be a light in the world. That man walked away thinking that I was a blessing to his life when in reality he was a blessing in mine.

I hope that I see him again so that I can thank him for renewing my faith and helping me to yearn for God again. It's funny how it doesn't take something elaborate and life threatening to happen for you to realize how amazing God is.

Sometimes it just takes three dollars and a pair of lost sunglasses.

Oh golly gee, that just happened.

So I've been thinking a lot about past relationships lately and about, I guess, when things went sour. It's so funny when you look back on certain situations and you try to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when it started to go wrong.

The funniest part is that in retrospect you can see a slight decline and there is a clear view of when everything started to go wrong. But when you're in that said relationship it's like things are good and then they're just not. I find that many relationships in my life are like that, whether they be romantic, platonic or family relationships.

Things are good until they're not and I feel like I'm always left looking back thinking "Wow, that just happened," in disbelief of how something went so south so fast.

Luckily I've been doing really well at maintaining healthy relationships with my family, friends and other people. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do, but I think that I'm learning how to feel out situations and how to be more understanding and considerate about other people's feelings.

I'm working on having relationships that are good. That's it, well actually great, but I don't want it to be great one minute and then in the side of a mountain burning the next.

I think by consciously working on myself and making sure that I'm a better person and the kind of friend that I would want to have as well as the kind of sibling and daughter, that consequently my relationships are getting better. It's a cycle actually and I'm very glad to say that it's not a vicious one.

Later.

So week one is over and I'm feeling happy and refreshed. Today I had rehearsal to go over things for the new UWP show and I'm excited for what's to come and how the audience and future casts will react to the material.

I feel so blessed to be around so many familiar and comfortable faces it really makes coming to a new city so much easier. I've been lucky enough to stay with the same host families and work with people that I've either traveled with or met when I was traveling and I really do feel very comfortable.

I will admit that I've had feelings of homesickness while I was here. It's not really me wanting to go home but more of me wanting my family and friends to be here.

I really could see myself living in Colorado one day because it's so gorgeous and I just love the atmosphere and the people so much. The only thing that would stop me from coming here is if my parents wouldn't move closer. I really don't think I could live this far away from my family and friends because I literally miss them everyday. I'm sure that after a while things will get easier but right now I couldn't imagine making a permanent move here without them.

I'm currently trying to floss and blog at the same time, I wish I could say that blogging is winning but it's not. Flossing is getting more attention than this blog is at the moment.

Anywho, I worked out today ,my body has slowly been adjusting to the altitude, but I really felt it today. I barely finished my workout because I was breathing so hard, it was pathetic lol but in due time I know that my body will adjust and I won't feel like such a slum anymore.

In cooler news, I've started using a new word, actually I don't know if it's a real word or not but I'm using it. So the word is Louse, pronounced like blouse but without the b obviously,and I've decided it could be either a positive or negative word depending on the context.

So I think that's enough about my Nicole life right now, I'm reading a new book about understanding men so I'm sure I'll have a philosophical topic to right about soon.

Over and Out.
Nik

Dia numero uno

So the title is supposed to say day number one but my Spanish is faulty so who knows what it says.

Day one in Denver and so far so wonderful. It started off a little rocky I guess because saying bye to my parents this time around was so difficult. I cried once I got through security and I was pretty upset for a while.

I'm not sure why it hit me so hard this time. I'm really used to being away from home after living at college for four years and not visiting often, but for some reason this felt a lot more permanent and I missed them immediately. I'll call them tomorrow though and think that will make things better.

I'm so excited about my living situation, I'm staying between two homes, my host mother from when I traveled and my host grandparents. Being able to live with people I know for these two months and two weeks is so helpful for me because I feel like I'm at my home away from home. It really makes adjusting to life on the road again much easier.

I start back in UWP life tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I'm doing yet, but I'm sure I'll be filled in as soon as I get there. Seeing Marloes, who I traveled with, at the airport today was so nice and it felt like barely any time had passed at all. I'm really looking forward to seeing all the office staff tomorrow and hanging out with some of my favorite people.

Denver is just as beautiful as I remembered it. I'm so happy to be back and to be able to breathe in the air and spend time in the presence of mountains.

Life is good right now, actually life is wonderful and I have absolutely no complaints.

Denver Bound

So tomorrow I leave for Denver....I'm beyond excited about this. At first I was so nervous and I just didn't know what things were gonna be like but now I'm ready for it and I'm prepared for this journey.

I talked to my parents and they are being so supportive and they told me that they know that I'm making the right decision. I feel like I should write more and I really want too but my mind is all over the place and I feel like I should calm my excited nerves and just try and sleep.

I plan to write all the time when I'm in Denver and hopefully I'll get what I'm searching for. God has a plan for me in this world and I'm ready to start fulfilling it.

Over and Out. Nik.

These last two weeks have been absolute madness. I have so much to write about and I feel like a horrible neglectful blogger because I haven't been on here for a little bit but tomorrow night I plan to update a bit. I head to Denver on Tuesday and I'm very excited. More tomorrow night.

xoxox. Nik.

Changes...

I think that when a person finds that they're in a position where they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, a change of scenery is necessary.

I think that when a person can't seem to escape the rules and expectations of the people around them and can't seem to live their own life, a change of scenery is necessary.

I think that when a person wants to start over, become the person that they always wanted to be, take a break from the people they know and get to know themselves again, then a change of scenery is necessary.

This time next week, I will be in Denver, Colorado. Not sure where I'm staying yet, or what my schedule will look like, or what my first day will be like, but I'll be in Denver.

Denver has the cleanest air. Whenever people ask me what I like the most about Denver, the first thing that comes to my mind is how clean the air is. The altitude makes visitors thankful for oxygen and reminds you how important it is to our daily functions of life.

I think humans are so accustomed to breathing that when it's hard for us to breathe it's really difficult to grasp. When I first went to Denver it was hard to breathe because I wasn't used to being at such a high altitude. Now whenever I think about being back in Denver, in a week, I breathe a little easier. When I get off that plane the first thing I'm going to do is inhale so deep.

I'm going to miss my family so much and the fact that my parents are struggling with the move makes it hard for me, I'm sure I've said this before, but it just makes it that more important that I'm brave and take a leap of faith.

I need to be in Denver. I need to just be outside of Pennsylvania and the East Coast for a while, to breathe a little easier and to figure myself out again. For some reason my time in Up With People, really helped me to better get to know myself. It helped me to see what I'm made of and exactly how much I can handle.

I'm sure I'll cry on the plane to Denver, as I say bye to my family and friends, but once I get there I plan to jump into life. Run, with my eyes closed, into what is waiting for me.

I'm so ready for this move, as scared as I may be, it doesn't matter because this is my life and I need to do this. I'm so ready, May 29th can't come fast enough.

Harvest Chapel

Church today was absolutely wonderful and exactly what I needed right now. The message touched my heart on many levels and renewed my faith and put me on the step to better thinking.

My mother told me during church, she leaned over and whispered, "You're going to have a wonderful life." I believe her too, I know that my plans are nothing compared to the plans that God has for me.

Last night I was upset about leaving and being away from my family for large periods of time but today I realized that I just need to increase my faith and be brave. I'll always be able to come home, no matter how far I go my family will always welcome me back with open arms.

Right now I just need to do what's best for me and my future and that is to follow my heart and take this move and let it improve my life as much as it can. Nothing but good things are going to come out of this decision and I'll be fine, I'll be a stronger person after all of it.

I always bring my Teddy bear with me whenever I go away from home and go on long trips and last night I decided that I'm not taking Teddy when I leave on the 29th. Instead I'm just going to hold fast to my faith and let God calm my nerves and my heart while I'm away from home so that I can be reminded that no matter where I go in this world the Lord is always with me.

God can do more for me than I can ever do for myself, I'm starting to realize that now. He loves me more than my parents love me, more than my friends and even more than I love myself. If I can just let him have full reign over my life I know that he'll only guide me to things that will make me happy.

I'm very excited about what the God has to offer me and how I plan to live the rest of my life in this world. I'm crazy enough to believe that I have power to change this world, and you know what they say about people with that kind of craziness.

Until next time folks. God bless.

The defiance of the different

"Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don't be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don't settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place."

Exactly what I needed to read right now. Lord take my dreams and give them wings, help me change this place.

May 19

Something really big happened today. My childhood best friend got married. It was a crazy day and she looked so beautiful, so absolutely beautiful. I pulled a 27 dresses and looked at her groom when she walked down the aisle instead of her and he was so happy....so unbelievably happy.

I could tell by his face that he was more than ready to make her his wife. I was so glad to be there and to be able to celebrate such a special day with both of them.

After the wedding, once I got home I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and, sorry for those who haven't watched it yet, Lexie dies and Mark has to say bye to her.

Now when I was watching this I couldn't help but cry because the character Mark loved Lexie but didn't tell her until it was too late. It just reminded me that life is so short and you have to jump on it and do and say what you feel.

I used to think that my friend was too young to get married. That she needed to wait until she had grown up and explored the world, but then I realized love is the greatest thing that anyone can ever experience. If you've found the one you love, why not settle down with them and start a life together.

The world isn't going anywhere but they might. If you love someone tell them, because who knows what tomorrow holds and soon it could be too late.

Live your life to the fullest that you can live it. Don't be afraid of getting hurt. Don't hold grudges, don't take the anger you feel towards one person out on others. Say sorry when you do something wrong, keep in touch with friends and don't let moments pass you by.

I believe that God has so many beautiful things for me to see in this world and that it's not his will at all for me to die young. But I also believe that God wants me to use my time on this earth wisely and to leave it a better place when I die.

The point of this long post is to say that you're never too young to love, to lose, to win, to travel....take advantage of whatever life gives you. Make your life a life that's worth writing down and talking about.

 I don't know about you but at my funeral I hope that all the people who know me aren't crying because they're sad, but instead they're crying because they're so proud of me for always living my life to it's fullest potential.

This is your life, are who you ought to be?

What happens to the dream?

I saw this quotation on Tumblr a few minutes ago and it made me stop and think, hopefully it does the same for you.

"When the dreamer dies, what happens to the dream?"

It's not really that crazy of a question. We're all filled with them and I don't mean those silly dreams we have at night, I mean those real dreams. The ones that keep you up at night and make you fill a journal with plans and maps and goals.

The Martin Luther King Jr. kind of dreams, the ones that are destined to change the world and make it a better place.

Martin Luther King Jr. lived long enough for his dreams to become a reality, but what about the people who die    too young. What happened to Trayvon Martin's dreams? Did they float up to heaven? Did the Lord take them back into his chest to be placed into the life of a future soul?

Nine words. It's very rare that a nine word sentence has me thinking so hard.

I have so many dreams, there are so many things that I want to do before I die. I guess that quotation is just a reminder that life is short and you shouldn't wait till tomorrow to do what burns your soul today.

So what makes your insides burn? What makes you tick? Whatever it is, start doing it today because tomorrow isn't promised and who knows where your dreams will go.

Truest thing I've seen all day....

"The knowledge of your existence has irreversibly changed me."

I pledge allegiance?

I pledge allegiance to the flag, or do I? We've been raised our whole lives, well Americans at least, to put our hands on our chest and face a flag and pledge our allegiance to it. Some people don't even know what the flag means and they swear their lives to it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my country. I'm a proud American and I believe in a lot of the fundamentals that this nation was built on. But I also love Mexico and other countries in this world, so should I pledge allegiance to all of them. I understand that I was born in this country but what does that really mean exactly?

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post but I just don't know exactly what I pledge allegiance too. I pledge allegiance to God, to myself, to my family. I pledge allegiance to the fundamentals and beliefs that my parents have embedded in me.

I pledge allegiance to making the world a better place and trying to improve the lives of the less fortunate. I pledge allegiance to giving a voice to the voiceless and for children that aren't given the right to life.

I mean what does allegiance even mean really? According to Dictionary.com it's "The loyalty of a citizen to his or her government or of a subject to his or her sovereign. " it also means "loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause or the like." Hmm, even after knowing the definition I'm conflicted with whether or not I completely agree with everything our government is doing.

I love my country, I really do and I'm so blessed to have been born an American, but I don't know if I pledge allegiance to the image that represents it. Whatever, I'll probably get a lot of shit for this post but I use this blog to figure my thoughts out and that's what I'm doing right now. So just relax, take a seat and let me figure my life out. =)

Until next time folks.

When I get married I want it to be in a circular room. I want the people who attend to be all around my groom and I and I want us to be the center of attention, literally.

I watched the first episode of the show Once Upon A Time today and Snow White got married in a circular room and it was so beautiful. I fell head over heels in love with it, so now, that's what I want. A marriage in a circular room, done, wish granted, thank you.

I guess I'll have to find a groom, before I can have my circular wedding. Too bad I'm twenty two and in absolutely no rush to get married. I feel like I just started enjoying life as a single gal and now all of a sudden, people want to be in a relationship with me. It's craziness and it drives me mad.

I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to just date around anymore, I just want to focus on myself and my own happiness. My life is so unstable, I'm moving around and going from one place to the other, it would be unfair to try and start a relationship now. Right?

Or maybe I'm just full of excuses and I just don't want to be in a relationship. No reason needed, except for the fact that I just don't want one.

I want to wait until I meet that guy that changes everything and makes me want to be with them and only them. The guy that makes me happy and makes me want to sit in the house and watch movies or makes me comfortable enough to tell my parents about him. The guy that meets my brothers and gets along with them, I don't think that's too much to hope for.

Until then, I'm completely satisfied and happy with my single life and I must say its treating me pretty well. Obviously, like any other woman, I have my days but overall I'm happy and I'm in a really good place in life and I want to stay there.

At the end of the day my goal is to be happy, genuinely happy. So if for now I have to be single in order to be happy, than I am completely okay with that. May the happiness continue.