52 Things so far...

I'm moving to New York City when I graduate, and one day I'm going to be on broadway. I wrote a list of things I want to do before I die and those are both on it. I'm writing from my home computer because my poor laptop broke. "Stay" by Gavin Degraw is playing in the background and a basketball game is on mute on the TV.

I'm sitting here thinking that one day someone is gonna open their eyes and realize that all of their dreams have come true, why can't that person be me. Sometimes I cry at night because the thought of not living out all of my dreams literally terrifies me. I pray to God begging him to let me become the person that I've always dreamed of being. I don't want to spend my life searching for something but not knowing quite what I want. I know what I want and I'm going to go after it.

Everything happens for a reason, there is a reason why I started this blog and why I attended Cedar Crest College, there is a reason why I love theatre. There is a reason why I've been struggling the way that I have been all week. One day I plan to look back at my life in amazement and cry out to God in absolute wonder thanking him for letting my steps lead me through a life full of fulfillment.

I'm definitely blessed and now that I finally realize the weight that is behind the scripture.."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and the scripture " all things work together for the good of them that love the lord and are called according to his purpose." Everything in the world has already been set up for me to be a success it's now my job to grab hold of the promise the lord made to me and every single one of his children.

I was fearfully and wonderfully made and I am a child of God and one day I'm going to look back on my life and be proud of what I accomplished and I'm going to look in my heart and see God still there, and be proud of the fact that through it all I held on to what I believed and never let anything but praises slip off my tongue.

I can only admit this to you..

I'm so happy I deleted his number..because I'm sitting here listening to John Mayer and feeling all lovey dovey like and I would of called or sent him a text by now, but thank God I don't have his number anymore. I just read a comment on my friends fb status, his status was talking about how he wants God to send him a woman, and someone commented and asked if he was prepared to be someones number two in their life and be their second priority, and he said other things but that comment is what really made me think.

When I get in a serious relationship my boyfriends needs to put God first in his life, and also God needs to be first in my life and what that means is that we both have to be ok with being number two. Whoever I choose to date can't expect my whole heart because it already belongs to Jesus and they have to know that they will always be my second priority because Gods will comes first.

I'm scared because I know that I can't be first in someones life but I know how jealous and upset I get when I try to get in contact with my mom and she's talking to one of my siblings or with my dad. I get jealous when I feel like someone should be giving me a certain amount of attention and they don't so I guess before I can expect anyone to be ok with second place I have to learn to fit into second place.

I want who ever I end up with to have a strong relationship with God and I can't stand in the way of that. I have to love them but always put God first. God is going to have to help me to become the girl that is not just ok with second place but encourages it. I love God more than anything and no one can fill the place he possesses in my life...so I need to give whoever I'm with the chance to love and be loved by God the same way that I am.

I have so much growing to do..I have the potential to be a really jealous girlfriend, but I seriously refuse to do that. I've seen so many of my friends go down the route where they continuously fight with their boyfriends over the dumbest stuff and it all stems from jealousy. I'm scared that I'm going to become just like them, I know that something is on it's way in my life and I'm trying my best to become the person that deserves to receive such a blessing.

I have to remember that these single days that I'm living are a real blessing and I really am thankful for them. I just want to be a better person and I don't know how long it will take for me to be the woman that I would like to be, but I think that I am on my way there.

Another page in this book

So I follow a few blogs..and by few I mean three..my friends Abby, Jason Mraz and this other lady. I was reading a blog that Mr. Mraz posted and he asked a question that really stuck with me..the question was..what lights you up??? and it made me think what makes me happy in this world...what lights me up, and it's hard to put my finger on one thing because a lot of the little things in this world make me happy.

God makes me happy.....he's the roots in my life..the base of every single thing in my life that makes me happy. Today I got to take pictures and dance really stupid around with some of my best friends and it made me appreciate the friends God has blessed me with. It made me appreciate having feet and legs that can move and not having any disabilities that keep me from doing things like dancing. Oh how I love to dance...that's something that definitely lights me up.....it makes me feel so weightless that's one thing I love...I love it when I do something and I feel weightless..that's what lights me up.

I'm different lately...I take pictures and I don't automatically check them to see if whether or not their cute, I'm different in the way that I'm appreciating my body a lot more. I'm loving myself more, I'm finding this deeper appreciation for the muscles and bones that make up this body that I possess. I'm so blessed....with a great family and beautiful friends and a mindset that propels me towards success and happiness. I'm blessed that God never left me or forsake me but instead always reassures me that he's right by my side.

I'm blessed and when I think about how blessed I am it lights up my life....if God never did anything else for me I would still have to thank him because he's done too much for me all ready. I'm blessed and I'm filling up my life with light.

This picture is an example of how I've been feeling lately...blurry and unfocused. Have you ever felt like your watching every one around you live there lives..doing things that you've always wanted to do...going places you've always wanted to go. That's how I feel, I want to travel the world I want to meet different people all over the world, I want to go skinny dipping in Colorado. There are so many different things that I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to do, and I don't know if I'm just being ungrateful but I need to get away. Currently in my professional life I've been doing really well, this semester I've gotten amazing grades, I've improved as a dancer and I also may have an internship for next year. I really do have a lot to be grateful for I'm being proactive in my life and I feel like I'm following my bliss. But then I see people in places like Hawaii performing on a stage on kids on the beaches of California just drinking and having a good time, and it makes me think that I'm not really living. I think I just really need to realize how great my life has turned out, and it's not that I've settled for less or anything but I'm genuinely on my way to being blissfully happy. I just have to remember that everything that glitters isn't gold...the people on the beach and those in California are doing things that make them happy. I have to follow my bliss and do what makes me happy though I may be blurry and unfocused I'm on my way to being really happy. Seriously I thank God for the life I'm living....it's battered and broken and may steer off track sometimes but it's still mine.

the only exception

And i've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk, but

You, are, the only exception