If only you could live....

I like to think that I live everyday as if it's my last, but today I was kind of grounded in the way that I was reminded that, that's not really true at all.

If today was my last Monday on earth what would I do? Who would I talk to on the phone, how would I spend my time? It's hard to even imagine that today is my last Monday on earth, because in my heart I know that it's not, but for sake of the post, I'll entertain the idea.

If today was my last Monday on earth, I'd do a dance in the street that spelled out Monday, I'd wake up to the sunrise and make sure to see the sunset. I'd call my parents and tell them that when I was ten I took twenty dollars out of my dads wallet and spent it on candy, I'd apologize and put twenty dollars in the mail.

If today was my last Monday on earth, I'd be kinder. I'd hold my tongue and be less inclined to hurt the feelings of others with my words. If today was my last day, I'd work harder to encourage the people around me to reach for the excellence that they're destined to achieve. If it was my last day I'd thank the Lord for twenty two beautiful years on the earth, 22 years filled with endless happiness.

If it was my last Monday, I'd get in touch with all the guys that crossed my path and I'd apologize for the way I treated them, apologize for the scars I may have left. If it was my last Monday I'd kick myself for not reaching for more, but then pat myself on the back for the amount of things I was able to achieve in such a short time.

I'd force myself to spend the last week being passionate, kind and loving. I'd give all of myself to the people around me and I would leave them with the knowledge that they meant the world to me and the time I had with them was greatly appreciated.

If it was my last Monday I'd say I love you more often and never utter the phrase I hate you ever again. I'd make a video and send it to my niece and nephews so that they'd never forget their crazy aunt Nikki, the one that's main goal in life was to change the world, one person at a time.

I would throw fears to the wind and I'd call him and fall in love. If it was my last Monday I'd do so much. The thing is, this isn't my last Monday and I'm so blessed to know that I have a life full of Mondays to live. So what now?

I guess it's time to start living....

Soul food...

"Be free, my friend. Learn to love yourself, your emotions, your thoughts. Do the things that you love to do and fill your life with happiness. Learn to accept that life gives us no warnings and that emotions and situations are only temporary. Keep only the people in your life who love you and make you happy, and drift away from the ones who don't. You and only you are capable of making yourself happy and free. And no matter what, know that life goes on and things keep moving. Let go of grudges and the bad thoughts, let go of the people who don't want you around, let go of everything in your life that doesn't make you feel good inside. Learn to be at peace with yourself and you will find all the answers."

Things I wish I never knew...

That the tooth fairy wasn't real. When I was little I always put my teeth under my pillow and waited for the tooth fairy to come get them. When I found out that it was my parents, sometimes my siblings, that left me money it was a pretty sad day. I didn't believe in Santa Claus growing up, so the tooth fairy was my thing, it was nice having it.

I wish I never knew that not all friendships last forever. I think that before someone really burns you, you have the wonderful ability to throw yourself into these friendships with people, with these people that you want in your life forever if possible. Sometimes forever isn't possible and not all friendships last and that's ok, but life was easier when every kid you met on the play ground was your best friend and pinky promises were law.

I wish I never knew that hearts could break. That sometimes the people who claim to love you the most can be the ones that hurt you the most. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if everyone forgot the pain of their heartbreaks. Would it just be a world full of a continuous cycle of pain? Or would it be easier for people to love again because they didn't hold the pain of past relationships against their future? I'm not sure...

I wish that social media didn't have such a strong hold on my generation. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I can keep in touch with my friends and family through the internet and see them no matter where they are with skype and other things. But what I wish was more prevalent in my generation is letter writing and phone calls and trains rides, everyone is so quick to just post on a persons wall or text them or hop on a plane. I want to sit on the phone for hours catching up with the ones I love, wait for letters from people who mean the most to me and hop on a train or drive a car hours to get to where I need to go.

I'm sure there are other things that I wish I never knew but I can't really think of them. I think it's a really strong amount of responsibility one has to take on for their life once they either hear or learn about something that they would rather not know. You can either let that new information hold you back from believing in the unreal, having great friendships, falling in love and writing letters or you can push past the current and make a new future for yourself.

I believe that we all have a large amount of control in our lives and the way that we turn out, and I plan to make sure that my life turns out great, no matter what. Don't let what you know hold you back, instead let it propel you.

Enjoy your Sunday friends. XoXo

"I love the build up....when touching turns into grabbing. Soft lips, into passionate tongues. And your heartbeat getting faster, and faster."

The result of a lack of support, maybe?

I have a thought, that I want to explore a little bit here. With all of the things that have been going on lately in the news it's hard not to wonder what is the core of why people do the things that they do.

Sometimes I wonder the power of stereotypes and a lack of support. I think that many times young people in this world suffer and don't reach their full potential because of a lack of support. I use the word support as a way to group a few things together, I think that sometimes students aren't pushed to meet their full potential.

When someone is told repeatedly that they have the potential, to be more than what they are, I think that it really makes them have a drive to be better and to achieve more. On the other hand, when someone is never given that positive affirmation I think it's easier for them to fall into negativity.

I don't really have the answers for why some people turn out great and end up doing wonderful things in life and others end up becoming murderers. I just had a thought....that's all.

Goodnight Pals.

The price of life...

For anyone who doesn't know, I live in Colorado now and yesterday, well early this morning rather, a shooting occurred in a movie theater and it claimed the lives of 12 individuals and wounded many more.

It's safe to say that though I didn't know any of the people that were affected by the shooting, my life was definitely impacted today. I was woken up at 4am this morning from texts messages from my friends at homes asking if I was ok. At that point I wasn't even aware that something had happened and from then on for the rest of the day I was returning phone calls and messages assuring my friends and family that I was alright.

I was nauseous for most of the day thinking about the people that were killed, especially the children, who never had a chance to enjoy so many of the wonderful things that life has to offer. I couldn't help but think about how highly I value life and how this person didn't place the same value to the lives of others.

I'm sad to admit it but, I was initially filled with hate for this person. I thought to myself, who does this guy think he is? What makes you so important that you get to choose between whether people live or die? I just wanted him to pay for what he did, and honestly I still want him to pay for what he did but now that desire for justice isn't fueled by hate, instead it's fueled by love. Love for those that lost their lives and their families, even deep down I think love for this young man that got so lost in life that he thought it was the right decision to kill a dozen people.

It breaks my heart to read about stories and people like this, where did this young man fall through the cracks? Who went wrong, who is to blame? Why didn't he get the help he needed before he went on a rampage? I just feel so sorry for him, not only has he ended the lives of so many people, but consequently he ended his own life as well, he'll never have freedom again for as long as he lives. That's the price he has to pay for what he did.

Today started out as a very difficult day and as it went on I was just reminded that no matter what happens in life, no matter how many tragedies this earth faces, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. As harsh as that may sound, in the grand scheme of things life never stops, even when 12 people lose their lives, the world around them just keeps spinning.

When I was your age...

One thing that I absolutely enjoy more than words can really express, is hanging out with people that are 25 years or more my senior.

When I was in high school I never really thought that people older than me had much to teach me and then I wised up to the world and realized that I didn't know anything about anything. Now I really value the time that I get to sit and enjoy time with either my parents or in this case with my host family.

Tonight I went to dinner with my host parents and their friends and it was so interesting to hear about how the world used to be when they were younger and how much it has changed since then. They talked about politics and where they see the future of this country but they also talked about their first concerts and their favorite bands and other really interesting things.

I was just really touched by the way that they look at my generation, they acknowledge the fact that my generation is the future of this country and anything that we do whether good or bad is due to the raising and upbringing of their generation. Which I think is a pretty powerful statement to be able to acknowledge and take responsibility for something like that.

It was just really nice to be able to sit there with them and not talk but instead just listen. I felt like a fly on the wall at times because I was able to just sit their and soak up all of their conversation whether I agreed with all of it or not, it was such a learning experience. I believe that one of the best ways to have a great future is to learn about and learn from the generation that came before yours.

If we as a generation learn about the mistakes that our parents and their peers made we will not make the same mistakes. It seems like such a simple idea but I feel as if so many people don't take the time to sit and talk to their parents about their childhoods and the mistakes they made in life and I think  that is really sad.

We just have this one life to live and this one world to live in, lets make the best of it. Agreed?

There's always a quotations for my emotions

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was.....And I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold on to it and make sure that it never changed."

Aye, yo therapy.

Everyone needs that one thing that no matter where or when they do it, it has the power to make them feel better. I feel like I'm lucky enough to have so many of those things in my life, dance, music, writing and other things.

Though I don't get to run often, when I do, I literally forget about everything that is going on and just focus on breathing and not stopping. It's such an exhilarating feeling to not think about anything but how to keep going, it's makes me feel so alive and it keeps me fit which is a plus.

Writing, I love to journal and Blog. Even though I was a communication major in college and it's easy for me to express ideas and concepts I have a very hard time with putting my feelings into words. Writing and journalling really helps me to do that.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, the realization that it's very difficult for me to put my genuine feelings about others and even myself into verbal conversation. It's very easy for me to cover up how I feel about things and people by just being sarcastic and it hurts me sometimes that I can't easily express how much I care about people. I feel like most people who know me, really know how I feel about them but it's nice to hear it, and I wish I could do that for them.

Other things that are forms of therapy for me....I've been dancing a lot lately and I've found that it's really difficult to be sad or even down about things when you get to do something that you love on a daily basis. I literally get to dance at least three times a week, and it's just unbelievable. I'm so glad that I was given the opportunities that I have and that I've been able to really flourish and grow here.

I've been learning a lot about myself this week and it's been interesting and eye opening. I've been able to be brutally honest with myself about things and that has forced me to begin the process of growing as a person. Also I was really honest and open with people about who I am and they way that I feel about things and it just caught me off guard because I didn't expect it to happen and also I didn't expect to be received as well as I was by them.

I'm head over heels in love with the way that things are going in my life right now I'm so thankful, I know that things will only get better from here.

Your umbrella...

There's something about a storm in the middle of the day to remind you that it's never too late to wipe your slate clean and start all over. It's raining right now. Rain used to make me sad, forever and a day ago, it would start to rain and I would feel depressed. Now rain makes me feel alive. 

 

Last night I got home and it was pouring so hard, I got out of the car and for a few seconds I just stood in the rain. Water falling from the heavens all over me. It's so beautiful, so simplistic and almost unreal. Water falling in droplets from the sky, washing away the dirt, putting out fires, cleansing your soul, if you let it. 

The other day I saw this quotation about rain and it made think of a person that I used to be, it said " I'm sorry that I was both your umbrella and the rain." 

Have you ever known someone that liked you so much that you could immediately make their day better as well as make it worse depending on how you spoke to them. That quotation made me think of a situation like that, it didn't make me feel bad, but it was just so perfect in the way that it summed up that part of my life and how I handled it, whether it was good or bad. 

I think that once your mindset changes about certain things in life, you learn to look at rain differently. I was the negative rain in that person's life at the time because he let me be. People only have as much power as you allow them to have, after that thing was over I changed because other people I knew would not allow me to be that rain. 

I think it's ok at times to let someone else be your umbrella if they want too, let them take the brunt of the storm until your strong enough to deal with it yourself. I do not, think that it's ok to let someone be the unpleasant rain in your life, they shouldn't bring you down, instead they should always be lifting you up. 

Like all my posts, this blog ended up being about more things than I intended it to be about, but that's fine. My main point was and still is that rain is beautiful and shouldn't be thought of as something that's depressing or that ruins your day, but instead as something that waters the land and makes the earth and those that inhabit it feel alive. 

Enjoy your rainy day if you're blessed to have one folks. Laterrrrr

Gabourey Sidibe

"I just know that I was tired. I was tired of thinking less of myself because others did. People always ask me,  "you have so much confidence, where did that come from?" It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors that I really like, I wear make up that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it's your home and you must decorate it."

Sir Lancelot.....

So I got a new computer today and I'm very excited because my old one was not cutting it any more but anyone who knows me really well knows that moving on isn't really easy for me either.

I'm laughing right now because I know that this sounds ridiculous but when I got my first laptop about four and a half years ago I named him Sir Lancelot of Shire town. Ever since then we've had a pretty fantastic relationship.

When he broke about two years ago for the first time, I was absolutely devastated and literally cried for an hour until my parents told me that they would get him fixed right away.

I know it sounds silly, so silly, but stick with me here. When people I know use my computer I would always make them introduce themselves to Sir Lancelot first so that he could get to know them before they started using him, it was our little routine.

Now I have new computer and things are going to be totally different, today my best friend asked me what I'm going to name it and I have no idea. I just feel so bad replacing Sir Lancelot.

Hahaha, I'm literally laughing out loud over how crazy I might sound right now, but it's ok lol. I just love that computer, he's been around for a lot. I wrote my first blog entry on that little guy, I cried typing on him, I've taken my fair share of naps with him and now I have to let him go.

The coolest part is that I won't be throwing him away but instead I'm going to donate him to a children or youth centre so that someone can get some use out of him.

So long dear friend, I hope that someone treats you better than I ever did.

Love you Sir Lancelot, you'll always be royalty to me.

Is love enough...

People always kind of have a mini heart attack when I say that I don't believe that love is ever enough in a relationship. In any kind of relationship, your relationship with your parents, a family member, a significant other and even with God, love isn't enough.

When I think of love, in it's purest and most perfect form, God's love, even that isn't enough. (hear me out) If God just loved us and never sent his son to die for our sins, his love wouldn't be anything but just a nice gesture because we would all still be lost.

If our parents loved us but never fed us or did anything to make sure that we had a healthy and safe life, than their love wouldn't be enough.

You can't just love someone. Your love has to prompt you to do things for that person that maintains their happiness, health and safety.

That's why I believe many relationships fail even though both parties really love each other, because they realize that love is not enough. There are so many factors in a relationship that keep it healthy and on the road to success, yes love is a big part of it, but it's not the only part.

My mom, one of the greatest women in the world, has always done so much for me. The reason why is because she loves me, she loves me so much that her and my dad want me to have the best and most fulfilling life possible. They love my siblings and I so much that they work hard to make sure that we have food and shelter and that we're safe and never have to want for anything. They more than love us, they take care of us.

I hope I'm making sense. I was just thinking about this today and I think that more relationships would be successful if people more than loved each other. I feel like there is some kind of logic behind my craziness, I don't know, I can't really explain it as well as I want too, but it makes sense to me. I'll try better again sometime.

Goodnight Folks.

10 things I hate about you

"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

I have always loved this movie and I think the reason why is because it's so realistic. They go to this gorgeous school ( which is a real school, my friend Colin went there) and the two sisters are so different but yet they have this sister bond. It's my favorite Heath Ledger movie and every time I watch it, it reminds me of how sad I was when he died. He definitely died too soon.

It's kind of silly I guess, but I always either cry or want to cry at the end when she reads that poem. It's just so real and realistic in the way that when you really care about someone even when they hurt you, you want to hate them but you just can't.

I guess, I don't really have much to say tonight. I just love this movie and it reminded me of younger times and I just really like it and the way it touches my heart still to this day.

Just be here.

One thing that I've been telling myself a lot lately is to be present. I watched this commercial for this documentary entitled "Just be here," and it so much reached out to how I've been talking and dealing with myself lately.

The future is so large and exciting and I'm always so ready to conquer it, to the point where I forget to just be here. Don't let today get in the way of tomorrow, but don't let tomorrow keep you from enjoying today.

My next tattoo will be on my right wrist and it will either say be present or just be here. I only get one try. Everyday is another chance to be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do, I want to take advantage of those 24hours and make them memorable.

Today I spent time with my best friend, skyped my best friend at home, worked out, journaled, prayed, read my bible, called my family and other things. At first I thought today was going to be just a super boring day, but instead I decided to invest in it and just make it the best it could be and I'm so pleased with the way it turned out.

Just be here. Everyday, just take every moment you have and make the most out of it. Don't keep chasing the future, because sooner or later the future will be the present and you won't even know how to enjoy it. Get used to being present.

Enjoy today, don't be affected by yesterday and don't worry about tomorrow. Life is so beautiful and we only have a short amount of time to enjoy it. Make your life one worth remembering!