Literal story of my life

You know that feeling?
When you're just waiting,
Waiting to get home, into your room,
Close the door, fall into bed,
And just let everything out that you kept in all day.
The feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you're tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to be there,
And tell you that everything will be ok,
But no one's going to be there,
And you know you have to be strong for yourself,
Because no one can fix you.
But you're tired of waiting.
Tired of being the one to have to fix yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And for once, you want it to be easy.
To be simple. To be helped. TO be saved.
But you know you won't be.
But you're still hoping.
And you're still wishing.
And you're still staying strong and fighting.
With tears in your eyes.
You're fighting.

Source: Unknown.

I need to read this every day

"Be soft. Don't let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

I love music. Actually that's an understatement I'm obsessed with it. I love listening to it, singing it, writing it, watching other people write, playing it...music is a very large part of my life.

That's why it makes me very upset when I see an artist that doesn't appreciate their music or their fame. I went to a Ryan Cabrera concert today and I'm very sad to say that he was no where near as good as I expected him to be.

For one he was high as a kite, and also he was drinking and taking shots while on stage. That's highly unprofessional and he didn't even consider how that could make fans of his that are against drinking feel. Personally I was offended by his lack of respect for the audience. It wasn't a horrible performance but with a little more effort it could of been an incredible show.

I'm very disappointed that something that I love so much was treated as if it wasn't important at all. I may be acting slightly more dramatic than usual but I'm confident that I'm no longer a Ryan Cabrera fan.

Mumford and sons

Love.love.love.love.love.love.

Poetry

I read my poetry for an audience for the first time last night. It was amazing and scary and beautiful, it as nothing like I every imagined it would be.

I wanted to cry and scream and run away. I wanted to pretend like I was a character in a movie to make it easier. I wanted to pretend like I was in a play reading a monologue. Anything that wouldn't make me feel like myself, so that it wouldn't be so hard, so that it would be less real.

Instead I swallowed my fear and walked up there and read a poem that came from my heart. I read my reflection poem that I think may subconsciously be about me but I'm not sure. I was terrified I'm actually very close to tears right now thinking about the fact that I read something so personal in front of so many people.

I'm terrified of things that make me feel vulnerable and last night I felt so vulnerable. Laying something so important and so dear to my heart down in front of this group of people, some who I hadn't even met before that night.

I'm afraid that I run away from things too much. I thought that maybe it was only relationships and things that are about love but it's really anything that makes me feel vulnerable. Anything that's too real I don't want to deal with it. That's why I hate death and why love makes me want to run. All of those things are just too real and terrifying.

Now I feel as if I'm ranting on. I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore.

Maya Angelou

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not shouting "I am saved."
I'm whispering "I get lost."
That is why I chose this way

When I say "I am a Christian."
I don't speak of this with pride
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed
And cannot ever pay the debt

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are too visible
But God believe I'm worth it

When I say "I am a Christian."
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek his name

When I say "I am a Christian."
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I am loved.

I.feel. alive.

Morning call article!!! =)))))))

"Nicole Magloire vamps it up as Ahab's sex-starved wife Esta, who stops the production dead as she sashays across the stage in what must be the largest and most voluminous ante bellum gown to be seen on area stages. She then lets it all hang out as she strips down to a sexy bustier and sequined trimmed pants."

And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you'd feel me somehow.

Tonight is a little rough compared to other nights. Honestly, I just want to cry myself to sleep.

"I don't understand why people, why every f*cking person is so bad to each other so f*cking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgement. Control. The whole spectrum."

I'm such a mess, Lord help me to change.

Hunter S. Thompson

"There he goes one of Gods own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

It's something when someone random tel you that you're a rude person. It doesn't really matter and you just brush it off, but when your friends say it,it's totally different. It starts to mean stuff. It makes you upset.

My friends made me think last night, they told me that I'm a "Bitch" they said that I'm rude to people that I think are unattractive.Now if all of these people weren't some of the closest friends I have I would of ignored what they said, but it stuck with me.

They told me not to be upset about it because all it means is just like everyone else I have room for improvement. I almost cried. They hugged me and told me that they weren't trying to upset me and that they thought I was a really good friend.

In my mind that fact that they think I'm a good friend didn't over take the previous words they said to me. I'm not a nice person? Since when? When did I start treating people badly, I feel horrible, I need to change, I will change.

Reflection

I'm trying to find my reflection
and stop breaking mirrors
What I see
Isn't me
I'm a vampire
When I look in the glass I don't see myself
Instead I see the faces of those around me
Those who influence me
They become me
And I become
Nothing
I'm easily influenced
To say the least
I water the seeds they plant
And those seeds become their thoughts
Flourishing beautifully in my brain
I'm a child
Bound by the pressures of their friends
I'm brain dead
Or at least I might as well be
I think I'd rather be friendless
The have friends that control me
I'm suffocating
Under the weight of the things they push on me
I miss my own face
The contours and blemishes
That made me who I am
I'm trying to find my reflection
Cause I don't have the strength to keep breaking mirrors
Can't you see
My hands are bleeding
They're red
And I'm tired
Or pretending to be something that I'm not
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who am I?
And what am I becoming?

Sometimes I really do hate being awake. At times I'll despise it with every fiber of my being. I'm currently waste deep in one of those times.

Her wishes

I want to be lost again
In the world that we created
Me and you
You and I
No one else existed
All we had was this
And, it was perfect
I want to be lost
And if you won't come I'll go alone
Into our world
My basic existence
Now MY world
Come along, I'll scream
But you won't hear
Come along, don't get lost here
This world is too real
I don't like how it feels, to feel
I wanna be imagined
Imaginary
Make me up
Change my face
Program my personality
Take me into a forest
Tell me that you're returning
And leave
Leave me
Leave me lost
Fulfill my desires
Obey my wishes
Get me lost
By any means possible
I'll say come along
And you'll say no
And then I'll leave
Off I'll go
To be lost on my own.

Thoughts

I just really want to blog tonight...I'm not sure of what I want to say. I don't know if I even have anything to say. Tonight is not a special night, nothing out of the ordinary is happening, I just finished homework I had a nice day.

But I just want to write...maybe write about my day? I don't know.

Oh ok I got it, I'll write about my dreams. Lately my dreams have been wild. I've been dreaming that people have been chasing me. Always a different person, not always chasing me with the intent to kill me, but definitely always chasing me.

I feel like my dreams are a symbol of how I run from certain things in my life. I run from pain, love etc. I run from things that are too real. I'm doing better but I get anxiety from situations that scare me, so I avoid them.

Especially relationships, my name should be the queen of sabotage. I ruin things on purpose because I'm scared of being hurt. So I destroy things early or hurt the person before they can hurt me so that I'm never the one out on a limb.

It's a shame really, but I'm kind of coming to terms with it and I'm slowly working through it. I think that I'm ok. I'm finally realizing that I keep running from things because I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't need anything like that right now, I can't handle it.

I'm weird and right now more than ever I feel like I need my space. Lately I've been feeling smothered by situations and people and I need my space. I really can't say it enough, I want to be by myself.

So I'm ready to face these dreams I'm tired of running. I just want to deal with these things that are hindering so that I can move on with my life. Dreams be gone.