"Love is a delicate mist upon which fools trace their dreams....on the other side, without love life may not be worth living."

If he's the one I'll come undone...and my world will stop spinning.

Identity

Sometimes I feel lost....Knee deep in my own thoughts kind of lost.

I feel trapped in this world and person that I created for myself and at times it can be hard,stressful. Sometimes I honestly feel like I just need to be alone. I need to move to a place where I don't know anyone and live on my own.

I need to figure out who I am. Who am I when I'm not around the people that I love and who love me in return. How do I push through what has been placed on me and live the way that I choose.

I feel like I was almost free when I went away to college. No one knew me an I felt like I could breathe. But then I made friends and those friends became my family away from family. We all became close. We became closer than I ever imagined we would be. Now I feel like they're starting to define me. Now I find myself wondering who am I without them.

I feel like a firework. I feel like I'm full of all these bright and beautiful things and for some reason I feel as if I hide them sometimes. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I never feel like myself I just feel like sometimes I purposely don't shine as bright as I should. Sometimes I hide me talent and I don't know why.

I refuse to accept the fact that I'm not ugly and that I'm actually not to bad to look at because for some reason in my mind it's easier to believe that everyone around me is beautiful and I'm just the exception. I'm confused by the way that I lose myself in my surroundings sometimes.

I think I'm doing really good when it comes to somethings like the way I've completely quit drinking. Thanks to God and all of his help I'm been able to stay completely sober and not drink one drop of alcohol even when everyone around me is completely drunk. I'm very thankful that God help me to stick to my word for once.

I feel like I'm on the right track, but I just need to become a lot more independent than I am currently. I need to realize that I have to take care of myself, no one else can do that for me right now. I have to grab hold of the reigns to my own life.

I have to learn to be me.

Two times

I saw a video today and the premise of the video was that a man should only enter a door before a woman on two occasions.

Now before I go into what those two occasions are let me first explain where I saw this video. It's on a website called Mens guide to love where men are stopped on the street and asked to give other men advice on love. It's actually one of the most interesting sites I've ever had the pleasure of coming across.

A lot of the men that are stopped and asked questions are young blokes that you would think would know nothing about love but they usually have a lot of knowledge to share. For this particular video that I'm referencing the man being interviewed was 29. He's a little older then the usual guys interviewed but the knowledge he shares is still valuable.

The first occasion when a man should enter a door before a woman is when they're entering a revolving door. The reason the man gave was because the man should bear the force of the door not the woman. She should be able to walk through the door with ease.

The second occasion is when entering a cab. A man should get in first so that he has to slide over to make room for the woman instead of the woman sliding over to make room for him.

When I heard the man say this it struck a cord in my heart. My whole life I grew up with a father that respected my mother and treated her so well and I've always wanted that for myself. I've always wanted to marry someone who was kind, courteous, respectful and a gentleman.

After hearing the man, whose name is Casey by the way, say that, it reminded me that chivalry isn't dead. It's actually far from being dead, it's just few and far between now a days, but I'm Okay with waiting.

"As scary as love appears to be, have courage and don't be afraid of it."

Disciples

I think it's really neat that God surnamed disciples James and John....Boanerges which means The Sons of Thunder. What a powerful and strong title.

I love Inception...I need to go buy that movie asap!!!!

The inside of a card..

This is what was inside of a card my parents got me for my birthday years ago, it reads..

"The day you were born, you moved right into our hearts, and that's where you still are....all wrapped up in love and pride. Happy Birthday Mom and Dad."

Then at the bottom my mom wrote.

"I love you Pooh."

My parents are the sweetest.

Tired of living below my privilege.

I'm really tired. Actually I'm exhausted. I'm tired of living below my privilege, I'm tired of Black females all around the world having no one to look up to. No examples. No icon, no ideas, no hero's.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a family where I didn't have to look outside of my home for a hero. I had a father that was everything I needed in a male example and a mother that supported my family and was the solid foundation we all needed.

But sometimes I realize that a lot of black families don't have that. The statistics are overwhelming...they show that a lot of black men aren't fathers to their children and a lot of black woman aren't mother to theirs as well.

So what do we do? Who do those children look too for guidance and love. Some of these kids have never been to church so don't have a strong relationship with God to hold on to and others try to look towards the television and media. They turn on the television and look for someone that looks like them. They look for black actresses and actors and singer and musicians that are actually doing something positive and the number are few.

I want to be an example for young African American youth growing up. I want them to know that it doesn't matter where you came from but the only thing that matters is where you're going.

I am endeavoring to change the way that I walk, change the way that I talk and change the things that I do in order to not only live a life that is pleasing in the eye sight of God but also to be an example.

I don't only want to be an example to my family members and friends, I feel like God is calling me to be an example to people that may never meet me. For some reason I'm suddenly over come with this over whelming feeling that God is calling me to be so much more than I am.

He's calling me to stand up and wipe all of the dirt and filth out of my life and leave a legacy. I feel like he's calling me to leave a legacy in this world that youth coming up behind me can look up too.

I need to remember what God tells me and stead fast too it. I need to remember that God has called me to be bigger than what I am and to be bigger than who I am. Thank God for calling me to not only fulfill my dreams but also use those dreams to empower the dreams of others.

The devil will not convince me that God hasn't showed my future to me. I need to stay focused...I need to stay in my bible and keep God first. I need to stop drinking, going to the club, chasing after boys, and doing all of these things. I need to change, but I can only do that with God.

I'm kind of scared...I'm not ashamed to admit that. I never wanted this life for myself..I never saw myself going down this path,but if this is what God has for me then who am I to say that I'm not qualified enough to receive it.

I'm looking forward to this change in my life...even though it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do I'm ready for it. I'm tired of living my life with no destination...with no predetermined purpose and now that God has shown this to me I'm never letting it go.

1 Corinthians 15:58 comes to mind it says "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."

I'm so happy to know, finally, that my labour is not in Vain.

Fresh Prince is the best show to ever be on television.

"For a long time it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that, it was a constant reminder of how unfair this world could be, I can still hear them taunting him, silly rabbit tricks are for kids, How come they just couldn't give him some cereal." --Carlton Banks

I don't understand myself. It's days like these where I sit and realize that I have no idea what I want anymore.

I'm sitting here and everything that I said I was going to do yesterday...everything that seemed like it may have been a possibility for me has changed. And it really makes no sense. There is no explanation...I'm being dramatic..I'm making something out of nothing. I'm missing out on someone once again...

I'm annoyed and I'm confused...but mostly I'm scared. I'm terrified because hearts brake and feelings hurt and things change. Sometimes everything changes and you look around and everything you once knew is gone.

So do I sit here and deal with what this is already? Do I have to become content with what this is? What do I do? Do I risk it and just say to hell with my fears lets just see what happens.....I HAVE NO IDEA!!

I'm scared. Look...I can leave my family for six months...go away to college and try to figure out my life without them. I can move to New York and risk losing everything to pursue my career..but I can't risk this.

You only get one heart. Just one. In the end..I don't want my heart to be bruised and scarred held together by tape and glue when I give it away. But I don't know..I seriously don't know.

Is it better to give away a damaged heart that has learned and experienced a lot...or hold in your hands a perfect heart that lacks experience. Is that a dumb question?

I'm confused and the only thing I keep thinking about is....you only get one heart.

Martin Luther King Jr.

"An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law."

" Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent. "

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. "

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

"I just want to do God's will. And he's allowed me to go to the mountain. And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land! I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. "

"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. "

‎"I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend to elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don't want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic."

Happy New Year

Oh hey 2011, how nice of you to finally arrive.