Boy meets world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhTPOjA2Bbk

"I do my thing and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. And if in the end we end up together... it's beautiful." ♥

Not right..

You can't just tell someone you love them and not mean it. Just cause you're a girl it doesn't mean you have the right to hurt men this way. It's not right...

Conversations...

So I just had a really great talk with my parents and if it weren't for Up with People helping to improve my communications skills it never would have happened. But we were able to talk about why I was upset about something and then from there we talked about other things that I've been wanting to talk to them about and it was really nice.

I saw my bill that had all of my school loans on it and it's no where near as much as I initially assumed it would be. Which makes me really happy. I know that I could have them all paid off by the time that I'm 25 so that's my goal. I want to work with Up with People after I graduate and put most of my paycheck towards paying off my students loans so hopefully after I'm done with that chapter of my life I'll be debt free.

Also my parents and I talked a lot about God and how important it is to put him first in life. I really want to work hard on building my relationship with God before I graduate college and am placed into the real world. I want to learn discernment and know when something is in God's will for my life and try not to just do things because I want to do them.

One thing my dad said, well two things my dad said, that really struck with me were, one, You have to build up your spirit man before your faced with a difficult situation. If a person has to lift 100 pounds they're not going to start working out the day that have to lift all of that weight but instead way before, so their body is trained. The same goes with building your spirit man, you have to train it before a difficult situation presents itself so your able to fight it.

The second thing he said that I really like was, God's plans for your life are way better than the plans that you have for your life. That was really encouraging to me because I think about all the cool things that I want to do in life and if God will take me farther than that then I want to stick with God's will.

I really want to learn a lot of things in these six months that I have in school. I want to devote time to my school work to make sure I get the best grades possible. Also I want to devote time to my body, I want to work out and continue to eat healthier than I did before. But most importantly I really want to take time out to build my relationship with God so that when I get into the working field I have a strong foundation to stand on.

Thank you God for today, it was awesome. <333

Dreams of a wedding

So last night I had a dream and in this dream I was getting married. I was walking down the aisle in this beautiful dress my parents were on either side of me escorting me down and all of my friends were at the altar in gorgeous brides maid dresses. My husbands face was a blur and I remember stopping in the middle of the aisle, leaving and then vomiting once I got out of the church.

After I woke up and the day went on I thought of it as a pretty funny dream but then certain things about it really started to bug me.I hope I never, ever, leave someone at the altar. That is just such a horrible thing to do to someone and I would never want to be that person.

When I woke up from the dream I was literally sweating because the idea of getting married right now literally freaks me out. For some reason I associate marriage with a loss of certain freedoms that I have now, things that I'm not at all ready to give up. I look at the people that are near my age that are either engaged or married and I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them because I feel like they're not reaching their full potential in life by getting married at such a young age.

I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I'm not a fan of commitment. I meet these people and it's so much easier to just have fun with them instead of having something real. Then I meet someone that, I don't know, sticks, and I start to like them...and then things start to fall apart for me because it becomes too real. I start to feel vulnerable which is a feeling I hate, so I start to pick out their flaws and I convince myself that I'm the one that just wants to be friends with them...to make sure that they aren't the ones that end up hurting me.

I hope that no one ever reads this because it's really all over the place. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I really need to get out. I feel like I'm running away from it right now because ultimately I'm just scared of being hurt. I've watched so many of my friends get their hearts broken by hole of the ass guys they were stupid enough to date and I told myself I would never put myself through that. So consequently I treat every guy that I meet and that shows interest in me like someone who doesn't matter to me. Not saying that they all are important but I'm saying that I don't give any of them the chance to be important.

I think I'm just afraid and like Shallyn's wrist says "fear is a limitation." The thing is I'm also confused with where my fear stops and my future starts. There are so many things that I want to do before I settle down, work for Up with People, travel, find a career I love. I don't want to ever feel like I need to give something that I really love up to be with a person, I won't sacrifice my dreams for a relationship I just can't do that. So, yeah, I don't know if any of this makes sense. Not really sure why I was thinking about it so much today but I was, I'll revisit this topic again really soon and try to figure out my feelings more.

"Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them."

Life after..

So I've been home for almost a week now and I'm still having a hard time adjusting. Life after Up With People is so difficult to manage, but I think I'm doing pretty well.

I keep reminding myself that I just need to be patient, I need to give my future six months and after that I'm free to go wherever I want. Just six months and then I can go back to Up With People, move to Denver or do whatever I want really.

Lately I've been really thinking hard about my future and what I want and I know I can't stay in Pennsylvania. It's just not the place for me anymore and I used to think that New York was where I needed to be but I don't think that's the case either. I'm just not sure exactly what I want yet but I'm starting to filter out the things that I know that I don't want.

I want my life to be surrounded with people that make me a better person. I want to have a career that makes the lives of those that are less fortunate than I am better. I want to devote my life to those people that don't have the means to help themselves. Of all the great things I got in my time with Up with People one thing would definitely be that I love helping others and I could see myself working for an organization that helps others for the rest of my life.

Whether it be Toms shoes or Up with People or something that I start myself I want to do things to make this world better. I know that I can do it and even more I know that I will do it. I just have to be patient with this little bit of time that I have left in college because I know I'll miss it when it's over. I need to enjoy every second of it and when it's over...then I'm out of here.

Home...

"Well I could paint you pictures all night long and tell you tales how every song. Is to let you know that you're the reason why I'm home."

So I'm home and it's the oddest feeling in the world. I've never been so filled with happiness and sadness at the same time before. It's like my body is in two different places...like my heart is literally torn in half.

I miss my cast so much. I miss the way that we supported and loved each other and how we were just there for each other every single day. I miss the 106 hugs and kisses I got every morning and evening when we said hello and goodbye. I miss the community service, I miss being uncomfortable and I miss my host families.

Today I was in Walmart and I was so uncomfortable, I was literally disgusted by the amount of things people were buying. Unnecessary things I thought, for Christmas presents and stocking stuffers. I was reminded of the children who would love to just have clean water for Christmas. I know that I'm not supposed to be angry at myself or others for the things that they have but it's so hard not to be.

When I hear people complaining about things that are so silly in my mind, it's so difficult not to lash out at them and tell them about the things we saw as a cast. But I keep my mouth shut and I exercise the little bit of patience that I have.

I want to scream and be by myself sometimes and then all I think about is how much I want to be with the cast all the time. I think that I'm just really confused right now because I know that I'll be fine and I know I'll see everyone I want to see again soon, but the initial feeling of loneliness is so difficult to shake. But I'm going to do my best....Oh the places you'll go. I'll be fine.

La la la la life is wonderful.

Almost over...

The day that I've been avoiding for the last six months is right around the corner and I can't believe it's here already. This trip has been absolutely incredible and I can't even put into words that things that I've seen and the effects that it's had on me.

We talked to Elementary school kids in Mexico and told them that when they get older they can change the things that they hate about Mexico. We went to the slums in Manila and played with the kids and showed them that there are people in the world that care about them.

I learned that integrity and character are the most important things not only for a person but for a show as well. I've learned that the world is so much bigger than me but that doesn't mean that I can't do small things to make a big impact in some peoples lives.

I'm so sad to say goodbye to all of the people that I've met and grown so attached to here but as Paul Conzemius said to us last night, "Cast B it's time for you to go home." It's time for me to go home and to change the things in my town and my community that I don't like.

I'm going to always remember the advice that Sarah Rychlik gave us, she said don't jeopardize the people that we've become just because it's easier to go back to the people we were before we got here. At first I was super afraid of that but now I know that I'm not willing to change the person that I've become or let go of all of the things that I've learned.

I'm not afraid of saying bye to my friends because I know that no matter what we'll be friends forever. We have such a deep connection, I can talk to them about anything and that means so much to me. I know that they'll never judge me and even though we might be far apart at times that doesn't mean anything because we'll always have what we have right now.

No matter what everything is going to be fine and I have to remember that, Oh the places you'll go....everything will be fine.

Manila

It kind of makes me upset that it took me going to a third world country to realize how blessed I am.

Lance Armstrong

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.

Everything changes...even me.

It's a funny feeling when you look in the mirror and you see yourself finally becoming the person you've always wanted to be. You look at yourself and you not only feel different but you start to look at yourself differently as well. You're more appreciative, more accepting and more loving of yourself. It's an amazing feeling.

These last few months of my life have really helped me to put things into perspective. I've learned how to trust and what it's like to have people put trust in me as well. I've cried and been comforted, I've been the comforter. It's been a whirl wind of a trip and I feel like my life has definitely been affected by it.

The funniest part is that I know that I won't know exactly how it's affected me completely until a few weeks or even months after I've gone home. It's won't be until I'm put into situations that are either stressful or emotional that I'll know if my reactions are different. I'm not sure if I'll pass the test but I have a feeling that things will be different.

The best part about this whole experience is that even though it's made me think about my life a lot and change a lot of my plans, I feel so secure and aware of my future. Even though I don't know exactly what I'm going to do and I know that plans change all the time, I don't feel lost anymore and that's so big for me. Before I came here I was always trying to find myself and figure out what I wanted to be and now I feel so comfortable in my own skin....which is a big deal for me.

Tomorrow we head to the Philippines and I know that it will definitely be a test of my strength but I can do it. The person that I was six months ago may not have been able to do it, but the person that I am now can do anything. I'm so happy. So genuinely happy and it's been a while since I was this happy and I want to make sure it lasts when I go home. If that means I need to reorganize my life and the people that I let in it, then so be it. Operation project happiness commence.

Blanton Belk

Things Blanton Belk taught me...

Marry someone who shares your enthusiasm about life

People who live in fear build walls, people who live in liberty build bridges.

Leave your mark on the world, leave it a better place than it was when you entered it.

Find an issue in the world and give yourself to it and you will find yourself.

Self worth

When I joined Up With People, I knew that I would make lasting friendships. That I would meet people that, if I let them, would change my whole entire world. I told myself that I needed to make sure I opened up, that I let my heart hang open and that I filled it with all the wonderful people that I met. Well, thankfully I was able to do that and I can honestly say that my life has been changed for the better.

I've made so many friends that I never want to live without having them in my life. The coolest part though is that I've made male friends that have taught me so many things about myself and life unconsciously. For the first time in my life I have guy friends that actually respect me and show their respect for me through their actions.

They compliment me for no reason, listen to me when I need to talk, they can tell when I'm upset and I can joke and laugh with them without feeling like I'm the punch line of all of the jokes. Once you get a taste of what it's like to be treated like you're worth something, like you're valuable just because of who you are, it's something that you just can't live without.

Now I know what's it's like for someone to hug me, looking into my eyes with their hands staying on my waist and for them to just listen to me when I talk and actually be responsive and pay attention to what I'm saying. I know what it's like for someone to tell me that I'm beautiful and not expect me to do something afterwards, it feels nice to receive compliments just because.

I was so focused on the chase and having a guy that played hard to get and made me work for everything. But really, it feels so nice to be assured and know where you stand with a person. That doesn't make things boring in anyway shape or form instead it makes you feel safe and makes you more comfortable to share with that person and to open yourself up to them.

I feel like I've gotten a taste of the good life and I really like it. I know what it's like to be shown the utmost respect and it's something that I want to happen for now on. Thank you so much Lord for letting me experience this. I'm so grateful, so thankful, I can really say how much this experience has changed my outlook on life and even the way I view myself.

I actually feel valuable now, I feel like I deserve respect. I'm a beautiful, talented and caring person and I deserve the same respect that I give other people. I feel really great right now. <3333

Life in Up With People.

My life has definitely changed a lot in the last two months. On July 8th I made the decisions to get on a plane and fly to the mid west to join a program that I thought would change my life. I think it's safe to say that it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Since the first day, this experience has tested me and shown me what I'm really made of. I've met people from 19 different countries and some from places that I honestly never thought of before in my entire life.

I remember telling my host dad this week, Raul, that I never wanted to see the world really before Up With People. I mean, I always said that I wanted to travel but I only wanted to go to tourist spots, not anywhere else really. Now when I say that I want to travel, I mean that I want to see the world and immerse myself in a bunch of different cultures.

I can't wait to travel to Sweden and other parts of Europe and see what it's like living there. I want to go to Tanzania, and to South Africa and get a glimpse of what life is like in such different cultures.

Now when I say that I want to really see the world, I mean the world. I feel like there are a lot of things about me that are changing. I'm learning so much about the world, things that before I never had an interest in learning and now I want to know everything about all these different places and people.

Another cool thing is that I'm learning a lot about the United States, the irony of it is that I'm learning some things from people that aren't even American. I feel so honored to be able to spend so much time with people from all over the world. I love the fact that we get to live with host families in each city instead of in hotels because it really helps us to learn a lot about each city.

When my dad asked me if this program was everything I thought it would be, it took me a while to answer him because it's so much more than anything I thought or imagined. I feel so alive. I feel more alive that I have ever felt in my entire life. This is really everything that I've ever wanted to do. I'm not sure how I'm really going to go back to life without this, thankfully I still have three months of this left so I don't have to cross that bridge for a while.

If someone would have to told me years ago that I would be doing something like this I never would have believed them but here I am.

The quotation to follow is the reason why I hate goodbyes so much. It's the realest thing I've ever come across that truly depicts how I feel when I know that I'm never going to see someone again....sad shit.

"Saying goodbye is always hard. You hug a little tighter, inhale a little deeper, and attempt to commit the smell and feel of the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but you know you can’t. So you cling on for as long as you can and press your lips to their cheeks and murmur, “I’ll see you soon.”

I'm honest to a fault. I'll tell you exactly how I feel about a situation and sometimes it's crazy,but, my honestly hurts me. I hurt myself with my honesty. I say things sometimes and when I think about it and realize that's how I actually feel about a situation or thing, it hurts me to my heart.

I realize that relationships scare me to the point where I will do anything not to be in one. I'm so selfish. I don't think about the feelings of others and that makes me sad. I only think about how something is going to make me feel and not how it makes the other person feel.

Yeah, this guys like me and I don't really like him, but hey if he wants to take me out it's all good. In reality that's not all good because you're leading that person on. Kissing and spending time with someone that you don't plan on pursuing a relationship with is cruel. It's one of the worst things you can do to a person emotionally.

People get attached to people. It's just how life works. If someone gets to know you and they like who you are as a person, it's inevitable that they're going to fall for you. And it's heartless and cruel to lead them on and then just shut them down.

I try to stop talking to people before it gets to that point, but I think I'm so used to being hurt by people that when someone is genuinely interested in me and wants to treat me well, I don't believe them and I make sure I hurt them before they can hurt me. I've said this before but I'll just reiterate it, anything too real makes me so scared.

I'm terrified to really fall in love with someone because I'm scared that once I give that one guy my heart he's just going to leave me....leave me hurt and broken hearted like everyone else.

It's pathetic and I'm pathetic for making this a cycle of pain. The truest statement I've ever heard is, "Hurt people, hurt people." When people hurt you, it's hard to not push that hurt on others and that's what I do to guys that pursue me. I hurt them, it's like I'm trying to win some sick battle for the female race.

It's awful and I feel awful for the things I say to people and it makes me sad to think that these guys think that I didn't care about them at all and that I just used them. They think I'm a heartless bitch and I'm not. I swear I'm not. I'm just broken and terrified of being broken beyond repair.

Lord please heal me.

Dear future husband

I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to talk to you and to love you and to spend time with you. I can't wait to see you talking to my parents and to fall in love with the way you bond with my parents.

I can't wait to watch you play with my nieces and nephews and how you take that same tenderness and play with our own kids. I can't wait to cook with you and to have dinner disasters with you and having to go out to eat after I ruin our meal. I can't wait to tease you and make fun of you, run around the house with you and laugh harder than I've ever laughed with anyone else with you.

I can't wait to love you with all of my heart. I can't wait to love you more than I've loved any other man. I can't wait to open up to you in a way that I've always been afraid of.

Future husband please be patient with me and give me time to break down the walls around my heart. Future husband when I do everything in my power to push you away and make you believe that I don't want you, look me in my eyes until I tell the truth. Dear future husband, please don't give up on me because I promise when I'm ready we'll be something great.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you already.

Your future wife,
Nicole

Unknown.

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me when you sleep.

& there are no words for that."

I cry to the heavens, wishing someone would make sense of my twisted mind.
--Ann Carrizo

Live out loud.

I want to be outrageous. I want to live my life out loud. I never want to settle down...who says that just because you get older you have to become tame? No! When I'm married and have kids I still want to be wild and crazy and full of life and I want to marry someone who is the same way.

I want to marry someone that doesn't try to bind me up and chain me to the structures and rules of this world. I want to marry someone who allows me to be myself and doesn't make me feel like I need to be censored. I want to be in love with the wonders of this world and all the different places in it even when I'm older. I never want to lose my fire....I never want my passion to burn out.

I want to raise children that are aware of the things and people around them. Children that realize that the world is a very large beautiful place that they need to explore fully. I want to live out loud for the rest of my life with no restriction or inhibitions. I want God to match me up with someone that pushes and encourages me to be the person that I was born to be instead of telling me to watch my words..or to behave myself.

I'm too wild to be calm...to outspoken to watch my words...too independent to be tied down...too ambitious to stay in one place and too blessed to not take advantage of all the opportunities God has given me.

I know that God has that person out there somewhere for me and I won't settle for someone who is less than perfect for me. I know that he won't be a perfect man but he'll be the perfect man for me....patiently waiting.

"You and I were supposed to be the glue that held this world together."

Will the pain ever go away? I've heard it gets better....but when?

Sometimes you have to remind yourself to not get worked up over things and people who don't matter...instead you have to focus on the people and things that make your life beautiful.

Notebook

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash they're gone."

A brain.

My mind goes a thousand miles a minute and sometimes my emotions follow. I'm continuously thinking about something or someone and feeling some sort of way about it. I could assume that it's just human nature to change the way you feel about things a lot and I guess I shouldn't flatter myself by thinking that I'm the only one who feels the way I do.

I swear the Lord loves to keep me on my toes. As soon as I feel like I have a grip on life or like I know which direction something is going to go then everything changes. Then, I change and I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. Or I meet someone that spins my whole entire world around and makes me wonder how I ever lived a life that they didn't dwell in.

Sometimes I meet people and I honest to God feel like I fall head over heels for them and it's not that I want to be in a relationship with them sometimes it's just that I want them to be in my life. But that never seems to work out and I never seem to mean as much to someone as they mean to me. I'm perpetually the one being forgotten so I've learned how to be numb to it all. I don't let these things phase me anymore or rather I don't allow people to know that these things phase me. I deal with them on my own, in my bed, in the dark my tears filling my pillow sheet and my heart breaking from the silence.

In the end it's all going to be alright, I honestly believe that because I'm on my way there already. God is shaping me, he really is and I have to stop fighting and just allow him to make me into the person he wants me to be.

Even though I know I do...sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Like I don't deserve to be treated with Kindness and respect. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve to be treated like I mean the world to someone, someone who isn't related to me and wasn't forced to be in my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the world.

I'm so happy 98% of the time and I appreciate my life so much and I know that I really do have a fantastic life, but there are those moment where I just feel down. Where someone says something so nice to me or treats me with such a high level of respect and I have no idea how to respond to it.

I feel like a freak...and now I'm annoyed with myself ughh I'm going to sleep.

I will not be tamed, I will not behave, I will not conform to what you consider suitable behavior. I will live out loud. I will speak my mind. I won't stop my pen from writing down my thoughts and beliefs. I will prove you wrong. I will beat the odds. I will.

I am so thankful. After all of my bad days and all of the people who have treated my badly and all the people who have walked out of my life I can honestly say I have a great life. I can't believe how far I've come this year and looking back on my life if someone would of told me that I'd be here right now I never would of believed them. I'm just so thankful right now I'm blown away by how amazing and beautiful God is. I love the way that he answers my prayers, even the ones that I don't pray. He's so incredible and I'm so blessed. Thank you Lord.

It seems like every single time I feel like I just can't take anymore I get my second wind and I'm able to keep going, thank you Lord for always being faithful and keeping me strong.

Dear future husband

These are the only requirements I want to ask of you:

I want you to be a worshiper like David
I want you to be wise like Solomon
I want you to be brave like Jonathan
I want you to obey God like Abraham
I want you to have faith like Joshua
I want you to have Jesus as your closest friend like Peter
I want you to be willing to suffer for the cost of spreading the gospel like Paul

This is all I ask of you.

Author unknown

Cause and effect

"The best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them."

Charles Bukowski

"What motivates you more, fear or love?"

"Love."


"Why?"

"Because you can shake fear but love will keep you going."

One of the most enraging experiences is to look at one of your friends in the eyes and feel their piercing eyes judging you. Someone that you trust and love and says that they feel the same way about you....one of your closest friends. Who are you to judge me?

Even if you don't agree with any of the things that I choose to do with my life, that's no reason for you to treat me differently. If we're friends we love each other no matter what, if I call you my friend that means I don't plan on just cutting you out of my life. But I also would rather not surround myself with people who are going to judge me just because they don't agree with the decisions I make.

My mind is all over the place and I'm at a lose for words because I'm so angry. Don't judge me, because no matter what I would never judge you. My friends know that they can always talk to me about anything because I'll tell them how I feel but I won't judge them while I'm doing it.

But now I feel like I can't even talk to you...and you were supposed to be one of the people that I could come to for advice. But lately I feel like all you do is get mad at me for things that don't matter enough to spend time fuming on them and then you judge me when I do things.

Seriously if I say something to make you mad, either tell me you're mad so we can talk about it and I can apologize, or get over. Because, I can't say this enough, it is so pointless to be upset with someone when you don't plan on telling them you're upset...how can they rectify the situation if they don't know what they did? They can't.

I'm definitely rambling now, but it's only because I'm so frustrated with the fact that someone I care for so much is treating me so nasty. I don't get it.

So many people ask me why do I have such high standards. Why I've never been in a relationship and why I'm still single and the answer is so simple it seems like a lie.

I have so many incredible people in my life, family, friends, professors and more and they're all fantastic. So why would I choose to let someone else into my life that didn't enrich my life the way these people do.

Sure I want to fall in love and all that jazz but I want it to be with someone special...so that's why I won't settle. It's as simple as that.

I think of you in colors that don't exist.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to change in order for people to like me. I need to like the things they like and be more sarcastic and witty, be more indie, don't use slang, don't wear my hair a certain way...it's exhausting.

I've never felt like I had to be anything but myself my entire life until recently and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I need to emphasize certain parts of myself and decrease others so that people will be interested in me.

I'm not doing it anymore. No, not at all. If you don't like me for who I am then guess what I don't care. I will not try and become anyone else...I won't be fake so that you can find me interesting.

I'm not as strong and confident as I wish to be but I'm strong enough to know that I like my personality and I won't be changing it for anyone anytime soon. So if you don't like me you can take a walk.

Photographs and memories

I keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
And i dont know why i would be.
The way your smile looks so real
I feel like i could start to understand your grace.
And i dont understand why you're
Not here with me.
And i dont even wanna know where else
You'd be.

Cause i have photographs and memories of the times
When you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
And i have poetry and drawings of my life
When you weren't on my side and i didn't know
Just what is love...

Writing moments on the wall with different colors
Keeps my mind away from missing you.
And i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
Where we can dance upon a star..
And i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
Cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
A part of me.

I need you back, i need you back
I need you here.
I need your smile, i need your eyes
I need you dear.
Cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
For my eyes to trace...

Jason Reeves.

This is what someone put in response to the picture of Kyle and I in NYC.

"I want this. I want to be able to hold that special person and make the whole neighborhood jealous. I want to feel his light skin on mine. See the beautiful contrast of our love. We’ll be different, but the same. Opposite twins. I really want this. Not now, but someday. To see the bright colors embedded on our skin. Our earlobes stretched to the max. So many hole on our faces from all the mistakes we made. So happy together.

Sorry, I went off on my own fantasy trip. I just really wanna… be happy the way I feel I should. If it means waiting an eternity, then I’ll do it. I know you’re out there. If they ^^^ can do it, well, then why can’t I?"

Mohandas Gandhi

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history."

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world."

"Before the throne of the almighty, man will be judged not by his act but by his intentions. For God reads our heart."

"God, as truth, has been for me a treasure beyond price. May he be so for everyone else."

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike you Christ."

"It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings."

"Prayer is not an old womans idle amusement. Properly understood and applied it is the most potent instrument of action."

I've realized throughout the years that the tears that I've cried and the pain that I've felt is self inflicted. I put myself in situations that I didn't think would end well because I was so afraid of things that could end well.

I was so afraid of finding something that I couldn't live without. I feel replaceable. I sometimes just want to get away from myself. To be free of me. Switchfoot phrased it best..."Where do you run to escape yourself."

I hide inside of my homework and the words of others. I keep myself busy with work, work and more work. Always doing something, constantly moving. That's me, the girl on a mission, the one with the plan. Well my plans are flawed and my mission is destined for failure it seems.

I push away those that mean the most to me because I'm counting down the hours until they leave, until I make them upset or they get tired of me and never talk to me again.

My best friend told me today to call myself beautiful and I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I don't believe it. I don't see it.

I need to take time to myself but I feel like I've said that before and I don't know if it worked. I need to learn to love myself but I don't know how. How do you love something that you wish you didn't have to be around every day.

I probably sound super depressed but I'm not and that's the irony of the whole situation. I can't explain it, no one can. I hope I can change this.

I'm so supportive of the organizations and charities that teach people how to love themselves and I always push people to be confident and to know that they're beautiful despite their flaws. But yet I can't even write love on my own arm..I can't push myself to love me. How can I be so helpful to others and so useless to myself....it doesn't make sense.

"I'm fine. I'm just not happy." --House

Love recklessly and be prepared to pick up the pieces...actually love dangerously, yeah I like that better, love dangerously."

"And all the while, I feel I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."

New York Times journalists in Libya

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/23/world/africa/23times.html?pagewanted=4&_r=1&no_interstitial

:Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love"

Hepburn

"It is better to look at the sky than live there. such an empty place; so vague. just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear."

I want to go back to this night......=(

People say love is a choice and for a while I didn't believe that....but now I do.

When you said that you loved me...that you were in love with me, I chose not to love you back. I made the decision and decided for myself that I couldn't and wouldn't love you that way.

I made the choice not to love.

Later on
the sun began to fade
And the clouds rolled over our heads
And it began to rain
Oh we were dancing mouths open
Splashing tongue taste
For a moment this good time would never end
You and me, you and me.

Today went from being what I thought would be a very stressful homework day to a very successful homework day. I'm very pleased. =)))

Sometimes you can't write how you feel. Because words and songs and quotes will never be able to describe it. You just have to feel it and see what happens, wait for the feeling to outlive itself. I think that's what I'm trying to do. I don't know how I feel right now or today, or this entire week. I'm not sure how I feel about myself or the things that I've done, the way that I've been behaving......I'm just feeling and living waiting for some of it to start making sense.

I haven't let God be apart of my life lately and that plays a part in the way that things have been going for me. I need to get back to that asap so that I can be happy again. I don't think that I'm unhappy per say but I'm definitely not as happy as I could be....I'm not as happy as I wish to be.

So I think I'm going to start working on project Nicole happiness....and implement it into my life as soon as possible. Because I can't live like this....I won't

Regrets?

What is regret? It's the one thing that I never want to deal with, I learn something from every mistake I make. I never regret things I do. Sometimes I look back on things and kind of shake my head and wonder what I was thinking but I won't regret it.

I think I actually do a good job of managing myself...I try not to make decisions that will hurt my future. But I don't do a good job of making decisions that won't hurt my heart.

I get so attached to people so easily. I'll meet you and if we have deep conversations then I'm interested and by interested I mean i'm hooked. Most of the time it's people that I know I will never see again in life. But I still get hooked.

I think I'd rather get all involved, learn from them and then have to lose them instead of not getting attached because I know they're leaving me. I want to fall over and over and over again and learn and grow as a person...so what if I hit the ground repeatedly. So what if I cry.

At the end of the day I have memories that will literally last me a lifetime and I can't complain. Sure I'm sad. Sure I wish a lot of the people that I've met could actually stay in my life but that's not how life is. People come through your life and that's just the reality of how it is and I'm ok with that.

I just love too fast and I'm ok with that too.....The world would be a better place if people just loved more. I love you.

Ok I just cried...not good. I guess I'll write more later about it.

NYC

I went to NYC with some of my best friends recently and had the time of my life. I met a guy from Australia named Kyle and he was amazing. I'm so happy that I got a chance to meet him and if I never see him again that's fine because he really made an impact on my life. I'm so happy that I got to spend that time with such amazing people I love my friends more than they will ever know.

Sorry for the language

I saw this earlier today on Tumblr and it just touched me for some reason, read it and try to get passed the language to see what it's actually saying.

"If it makes any difference, I don't want to fuck you.

She laughs

Thanks

I think you're beautiful, but I wouldn't fuck you because when we're done, I wouldn't want you to feel fucked. I would try to make love to you, and I would probably be clumsy and awkward, but when it was over, I would want you to feel loved."

Something about this is beautiful to me. Absolutely beautiful.

I like this....a lot.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."

Sense and Sensibility

"The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!"

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth."
Veronica A.S.

I wish my grandfather loved me as much as I love him.

There is something so beautiful about flaws. Physical flaws that make a person unique. I guess I must be a freak or something but I love them. To me I guess they're not really flaws, they're perfection.

I need a change of scenery, spending all day in New York City on Sunday made me very antsy about life in Pa. I'm over it. I'm over grassy hills, corn fields and farms. I need the dry city air to help me stay active and crazy and loving life.

I need the big city, with its bright lights and buildings that are unnecessarily tall. I need the street vendors and guys trying to sell you tickets to a comedy show. I need the over priced hot dogs and the cabs that take the long way in order to raise an extra buck.

I just really, really, really need to live in the city. I can't wait to move there.

Love.love.love. haha

Nicole the Rolandologist...Rhinoceros specialist. ♥

Today, today,today. So I've discovered something else that I really do not enjoy. I guess the word enjoy, is not really fitting for that sentence so instead I'll say that I discovered something that upsets me when it comes to relationships.

Inconsistency. I do not like when people are inconsistent. This goes for all kinds of relationships, my friends, family members and people who are interested in me, be consistent. Don't text me one day and then not talk to me for a million days after that and then call me and ask me why we never talk.

If you want to be in my life then be in my life. If you want to get to know me then get to know me. Don't say one thing one day and then do something completely different the next day.

I'm not asking to be number one in your life, heck I can't promise anyone that they'll ever be number one in my life but I would like to be considered important. I would like to know that I'm at least thought about every once in a while, I'm really not needy for attention or anything like that, but I do need consistency.

I need people in my life that won't leave me. So if you're going to come around, if you want to get to know me, then don't leave.....maybe that's too much to ask. I feel as if it is, but if that's what I need shouldn't I ask for it?

I can't take people coming in and out of my life, I mean I deal with it, I always do and I always will. But I don't want to deal with it if I don't have to, I know that no one can promise to me that they'll always be around, but I want people to know that if they think that they won't be around then don't even start a relationship with me, rather it be a friendship or anything more than that.

I don't have father issues or anything like that and I know that there are people in my life that will always be around and always have. And I hope that they know how much their consistency means to me and how much their love, time and affection means to me. Just spending time with them makes me happy and it means so much to me that they'll never leave me.

So pretty much what I'm saying is that I have great people in my life, that love me more than words can express. So if you want to be in my life but you think that you can't stick around, then stay away and don't waste your time because I don't need anyone coming around and confusing my life.

Nik.

I have work in 27 minutes, but I just have something that I want to say real quick. I remember when I first started this blog and I wrote every single day, documenting things that weren't really that important, but I look back on them now and they seem kind of important now.

Soooo I'm going to start blogging every day, I'm not going to try or plan to, I'm actually going to do it. So yep, that's it, I'm blogging everyday now. Yay me. And I have a pimple on the right side of my nose, just saying, I'm a little grossed out.

Ok bye.
xoxox Nik.

Moving on

So I wrote this today and I'm not sure exactly what it is or what it means, but I know it means something. It means something to me and I wanted to share it, maybe it will mean something to someone else too.

She had problems
He had solutions
Together they were going to change the world
He cheated
She stayed
She could never walk out on the one she loved
He was troubled
And she was not
In life you need someone to keep you sane
She was his someone
But he couldn't accept that he needed her
He was independent
He loved her but was convinced that he wasn't in love with her
She was head over heels
She knew that he was everything she always wanted
He was her prince
Her knight in shining armor
He saved her
She chained him up
He felt bound
Locked, chained and cuffed by her
He felt smothered
Some would argue that he was
Others would say she just loved him
And when you love someone you cling to them
You enjoy being around them
Seeing them
Talking to them
And even sitting with them in silence
She loved everything about him
His smile
And the way his nose scrunches when he laughs
His eyes
And the way they sparkle when he's excited
His smell
And the way it lingers on everything he touches
She was intoxicated
He was sobering up
Things change, people change
And he was no exception
He decided he was going to leave
And that's exactly what he did
She woke up alone
Brushed her teeth alone
And the note explaining everything
Proved she really was alone
He moved his things out little by little
And when they ran into each other
He would stare at the ground, ashamed.
She cried a lot
But eventually it got easier
And when she met someone else
He was the one left feeling queasy
She didn't invite him to the wedding
Or the baby shower six months after
And when they ran into each other later
And the swell of her stomach was impossible to ignore
He congratulated her and whispered that "It should of been him."
She smiled and whispered back "I'm happy it wasn't."
She walked away rubbing her stomach and thinking about her husband
The man she loved more than anyone in the whole world
Including him.

Literal story of my life

You know that feeling?
When you're just waiting,
Waiting to get home, into your room,
Close the door, fall into bed,
And just let everything out that you kept in all day.
The feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you're tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to be there,
And tell you that everything will be ok,
But no one's going to be there,
And you know you have to be strong for yourself,
Because no one can fix you.
But you're tired of waiting.
Tired of being the one to have to fix yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And for once, you want it to be easy.
To be simple. To be helped. TO be saved.
But you know you won't be.
But you're still hoping.
And you're still wishing.
And you're still staying strong and fighting.
With tears in your eyes.
You're fighting.

Source: Unknown.

I need to read this every day

"Be soft. Don't let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

I love music. Actually that's an understatement I'm obsessed with it. I love listening to it, singing it, writing it, watching other people write, playing it...music is a very large part of my life.

That's why it makes me very upset when I see an artist that doesn't appreciate their music or their fame. I went to a Ryan Cabrera concert today and I'm very sad to say that he was no where near as good as I expected him to be.

For one he was high as a kite, and also he was drinking and taking shots while on stage. That's highly unprofessional and he didn't even consider how that could make fans of his that are against drinking feel. Personally I was offended by his lack of respect for the audience. It wasn't a horrible performance but with a little more effort it could of been an incredible show.

I'm very disappointed that something that I love so much was treated as if it wasn't important at all. I may be acting slightly more dramatic than usual but I'm confident that I'm no longer a Ryan Cabrera fan.

Mumford and sons

Love.love.love.love.love.love.

Poetry

I read my poetry for an audience for the first time last night. It was amazing and scary and beautiful, it as nothing like I every imagined it would be.

I wanted to cry and scream and run away. I wanted to pretend like I was a character in a movie to make it easier. I wanted to pretend like I was in a play reading a monologue. Anything that wouldn't make me feel like myself, so that it wouldn't be so hard, so that it would be less real.

Instead I swallowed my fear and walked up there and read a poem that came from my heart. I read my reflection poem that I think may subconsciously be about me but I'm not sure. I was terrified I'm actually very close to tears right now thinking about the fact that I read something so personal in front of so many people.

I'm terrified of things that make me feel vulnerable and last night I felt so vulnerable. Laying something so important and so dear to my heart down in front of this group of people, some who I hadn't even met before that night.

I'm afraid that I run away from things too much. I thought that maybe it was only relationships and things that are about love but it's really anything that makes me feel vulnerable. Anything that's too real I don't want to deal with it. That's why I hate death and why love makes me want to run. All of those things are just too real and terrifying.

Now I feel as if I'm ranting on. I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore.

Maya Angelou

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not shouting "I am saved."
I'm whispering "I get lost."
That is why I chose this way

When I say "I am a Christian."
I don't speak of this with pride
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed
And cannot ever pay the debt

When I say "I am a Christian."
I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are too visible
But God believe I'm worth it

When I say "I am a Christian."
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek his name

When I say "I am a Christian."
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I am loved.

I.feel. alive.

Morning call article!!! =)))))))

"Nicole Magloire vamps it up as Ahab's sex-starved wife Esta, who stops the production dead as she sashays across the stage in what must be the largest and most voluminous ante bellum gown to be seen on area stages. She then lets it all hang out as she strips down to a sexy bustier and sequined trimmed pants."

And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you'd feel me somehow.

Tonight is a little rough compared to other nights. Honestly, I just want to cry myself to sleep.

"I don't understand why people, why every f*cking person is so bad to each other so f*cking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgement. Control. The whole spectrum."

I'm such a mess, Lord help me to change.

Hunter S. Thompson

"There he goes one of Gods own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

It's something when someone random tel you that you're a rude person. It doesn't really matter and you just brush it off, but when your friends say it,it's totally different. It starts to mean stuff. It makes you upset.

My friends made me think last night, they told me that I'm a "Bitch" they said that I'm rude to people that I think are unattractive.Now if all of these people weren't some of the closest friends I have I would of ignored what they said, but it stuck with me.

They told me not to be upset about it because all it means is just like everyone else I have room for improvement. I almost cried. They hugged me and told me that they weren't trying to upset me and that they thought I was a really good friend.

In my mind that fact that they think I'm a good friend didn't over take the previous words they said to me. I'm not a nice person? Since when? When did I start treating people badly, I feel horrible, I need to change, I will change.

Reflection

I'm trying to find my reflection
and stop breaking mirrors
What I see
Isn't me
I'm a vampire
When I look in the glass I don't see myself
Instead I see the faces of those around me
Those who influence me
They become me
And I become
Nothing
I'm easily influenced
To say the least
I water the seeds they plant
And those seeds become their thoughts
Flourishing beautifully in my brain
I'm a child
Bound by the pressures of their friends
I'm brain dead
Or at least I might as well be
I think I'd rather be friendless
The have friends that control me
I'm suffocating
Under the weight of the things they push on me
I miss my own face
The contours and blemishes
That made me who I am
I'm trying to find my reflection
Cause I don't have the strength to keep breaking mirrors
Can't you see
My hands are bleeding
They're red
And I'm tired
Or pretending to be something that I'm not
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who am I?
And what am I becoming?

Sometimes I really do hate being awake. At times I'll despise it with every fiber of my being. I'm currently waste deep in one of those times.

Her wishes

I want to be lost again
In the world that we created
Me and you
You and I
No one else existed
All we had was this
And, it was perfect
I want to be lost
And if you won't come I'll go alone
Into our world
My basic existence
Now MY world
Come along, I'll scream
But you won't hear
Come along, don't get lost here
This world is too real
I don't like how it feels, to feel
I wanna be imagined
Imaginary
Make me up
Change my face
Program my personality
Take me into a forest
Tell me that you're returning
And leave
Leave me
Leave me lost
Fulfill my desires
Obey my wishes
Get me lost
By any means possible
I'll say come along
And you'll say no
And then I'll leave
Off I'll go
To be lost on my own.

Thoughts

I just really want to blog tonight...I'm not sure of what I want to say. I don't know if I even have anything to say. Tonight is not a special night, nothing out of the ordinary is happening, I just finished homework I had a nice day.

But I just want to write...maybe write about my day? I don't know.

Oh ok I got it, I'll write about my dreams. Lately my dreams have been wild. I've been dreaming that people have been chasing me. Always a different person, not always chasing me with the intent to kill me, but definitely always chasing me.

I feel like my dreams are a symbol of how I run from certain things in my life. I run from pain, love etc. I run from things that are too real. I'm doing better but I get anxiety from situations that scare me, so I avoid them.

Especially relationships, my name should be the queen of sabotage. I ruin things on purpose because I'm scared of being hurt. So I destroy things early or hurt the person before they can hurt me so that I'm never the one out on a limb.

It's a shame really, but I'm kind of coming to terms with it and I'm slowly working through it. I think that I'm ok. I'm finally realizing that I keep running from things because I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't need anything like that right now, I can't handle it.

I'm weird and right now more than ever I feel like I need my space. Lately I've been feeling smothered by situations and people and I need my space. I really can't say it enough, I want to be by myself.

So I'm ready to face these dreams I'm tired of running. I just want to deal with these things that are hindering so that I can move on with my life. Dreams be gone.

"Love is a delicate mist upon which fools trace their dreams....on the other side, without love life may not be worth living."

If he's the one I'll come undone...and my world will stop spinning.

Identity

Sometimes I feel lost....Knee deep in my own thoughts kind of lost.

I feel trapped in this world and person that I created for myself and at times it can be hard,stressful. Sometimes I honestly feel like I just need to be alone. I need to move to a place where I don't know anyone and live on my own.

I need to figure out who I am. Who am I when I'm not around the people that I love and who love me in return. How do I push through what has been placed on me and live the way that I choose.

I feel like I was almost free when I went away to college. No one knew me an I felt like I could breathe. But then I made friends and those friends became my family away from family. We all became close. We became closer than I ever imagined we would be. Now I feel like they're starting to define me. Now I find myself wondering who am I without them.

I feel like a firework. I feel like I'm full of all these bright and beautiful things and for some reason I feel as if I hide them sometimes. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I never feel like myself I just feel like sometimes I purposely don't shine as bright as I should. Sometimes I hide me talent and I don't know why.

I refuse to accept the fact that I'm not ugly and that I'm actually not to bad to look at because for some reason in my mind it's easier to believe that everyone around me is beautiful and I'm just the exception. I'm confused by the way that I lose myself in my surroundings sometimes.

I think I'm doing really good when it comes to somethings like the way I've completely quit drinking. Thanks to God and all of his help I'm been able to stay completely sober and not drink one drop of alcohol even when everyone around me is completely drunk. I'm very thankful that God help me to stick to my word for once.

I feel like I'm on the right track, but I just need to become a lot more independent than I am currently. I need to realize that I have to take care of myself, no one else can do that for me right now. I have to grab hold of the reigns to my own life.

I have to learn to be me.

Two times

I saw a video today and the premise of the video was that a man should only enter a door before a woman on two occasions.

Now before I go into what those two occasions are let me first explain where I saw this video. It's on a website called Mens guide to love where men are stopped on the street and asked to give other men advice on love. It's actually one of the most interesting sites I've ever had the pleasure of coming across.

A lot of the men that are stopped and asked questions are young blokes that you would think would know nothing about love but they usually have a lot of knowledge to share. For this particular video that I'm referencing the man being interviewed was 29. He's a little older then the usual guys interviewed but the knowledge he shares is still valuable.

The first occasion when a man should enter a door before a woman is when they're entering a revolving door. The reason the man gave was because the man should bear the force of the door not the woman. She should be able to walk through the door with ease.

The second occasion is when entering a cab. A man should get in first so that he has to slide over to make room for the woman instead of the woman sliding over to make room for him.

When I heard the man say this it struck a cord in my heart. My whole life I grew up with a father that respected my mother and treated her so well and I've always wanted that for myself. I've always wanted to marry someone who was kind, courteous, respectful and a gentleman.

After hearing the man, whose name is Casey by the way, say that, it reminded me that chivalry isn't dead. It's actually far from being dead, it's just few and far between now a days, but I'm Okay with waiting.

"As scary as love appears to be, have courage and don't be afraid of it."

Disciples

I think it's really neat that God surnamed disciples James and John....Boanerges which means The Sons of Thunder. What a powerful and strong title.

I love Inception...I need to go buy that movie asap!!!!

The inside of a card..

This is what was inside of a card my parents got me for my birthday years ago, it reads..

"The day you were born, you moved right into our hearts, and that's where you still are....all wrapped up in love and pride. Happy Birthday Mom and Dad."

Then at the bottom my mom wrote.

"I love you Pooh."

My parents are the sweetest.

Tired of living below my privilege.

I'm really tired. Actually I'm exhausted. I'm tired of living below my privilege, I'm tired of Black females all around the world having no one to look up to. No examples. No icon, no ideas, no hero's.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a family where I didn't have to look outside of my home for a hero. I had a father that was everything I needed in a male example and a mother that supported my family and was the solid foundation we all needed.

But sometimes I realize that a lot of black families don't have that. The statistics are overwhelming...they show that a lot of black men aren't fathers to their children and a lot of black woman aren't mother to theirs as well.

So what do we do? Who do those children look too for guidance and love. Some of these kids have never been to church so don't have a strong relationship with God to hold on to and others try to look towards the television and media. They turn on the television and look for someone that looks like them. They look for black actresses and actors and singer and musicians that are actually doing something positive and the number are few.

I want to be an example for young African American youth growing up. I want them to know that it doesn't matter where you came from but the only thing that matters is where you're going.

I am endeavoring to change the way that I walk, change the way that I talk and change the things that I do in order to not only live a life that is pleasing in the eye sight of God but also to be an example.

I don't only want to be an example to my family members and friends, I feel like God is calling me to be an example to people that may never meet me. For some reason I'm suddenly over come with this over whelming feeling that God is calling me to be so much more than I am.

He's calling me to stand up and wipe all of the dirt and filth out of my life and leave a legacy. I feel like he's calling me to leave a legacy in this world that youth coming up behind me can look up too.

I need to remember what God tells me and stead fast too it. I need to remember that God has called me to be bigger than what I am and to be bigger than who I am. Thank God for calling me to not only fulfill my dreams but also use those dreams to empower the dreams of others.

The devil will not convince me that God hasn't showed my future to me. I need to stay focused...I need to stay in my bible and keep God first. I need to stop drinking, going to the club, chasing after boys, and doing all of these things. I need to change, but I can only do that with God.

I'm kind of scared...I'm not ashamed to admit that. I never wanted this life for myself..I never saw myself going down this path,but if this is what God has for me then who am I to say that I'm not qualified enough to receive it.

I'm looking forward to this change in my life...even though it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do I'm ready for it. I'm tired of living my life with no destination...with no predetermined purpose and now that God has shown this to me I'm never letting it go.

1 Corinthians 15:58 comes to mind it says "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."

I'm so happy to know, finally, that my labour is not in Vain.

Fresh Prince is the best show to ever be on television.

"For a long time it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that, it was a constant reminder of how unfair this world could be, I can still hear them taunting him, silly rabbit tricks are for kids, How come they just couldn't give him some cereal." --Carlton Banks

I don't understand myself. It's days like these where I sit and realize that I have no idea what I want anymore.

I'm sitting here and everything that I said I was going to do yesterday...everything that seemed like it may have been a possibility for me has changed. And it really makes no sense. There is no explanation...I'm being dramatic..I'm making something out of nothing. I'm missing out on someone once again...

I'm annoyed and I'm confused...but mostly I'm scared. I'm terrified because hearts brake and feelings hurt and things change. Sometimes everything changes and you look around and everything you once knew is gone.

So do I sit here and deal with what this is already? Do I have to become content with what this is? What do I do? Do I risk it and just say to hell with my fears lets just see what happens.....I HAVE NO IDEA!!

I'm scared. Look...I can leave my family for six months...go away to college and try to figure out my life without them. I can move to New York and risk losing everything to pursue my career..but I can't risk this.

You only get one heart. Just one. In the end..I don't want my heart to be bruised and scarred held together by tape and glue when I give it away. But I don't know..I seriously don't know.

Is it better to give away a damaged heart that has learned and experienced a lot...or hold in your hands a perfect heart that lacks experience. Is that a dumb question?

I'm confused and the only thing I keep thinking about is....you only get one heart.

Martin Luther King Jr.

"An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law."

" Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent. "

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. "

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

"I just want to do God's will. And he's allowed me to go to the mountain. And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land! I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. "

"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. "

‎"I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend to elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don't want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic."

Happy New Year

Oh hey 2011, how nice of you to finally arrive.