I'm pretty sure I may be half a man

I had an epiphany today.....I'm clearly half a man. I was thinking about relationships just now and I was thinking about how I think I like this kid and then I was like well what about all the other guys in the world. How messed up is that...I mean why is it that I had to think of that today....why is it that I'm even thinking about it at all.

This week is clearly my over thinking week because I never analyze something as much as I'm analyzing this. The thing is that I always let myself get caught up in the fantasy of a person and once I get to know them the fantasy is gone and I can't take them not being the way I imagined them.

But in this case I know him, I know his faults and the dumb jokes he tells and the way he plays with his friends and just how amazing he is. But does that mean I should like him, since I know he's an amazing guy that is going to make someone really happy one day, does that necessarily mean I have to be that special someone for him? I don't really know I guess I'll find out eventually if it's worth me even thinking about.

The problem is I can picture myself telling him things I've never told anyone before and introducing him to my parents and my siblings but the weirdest part is that I can picture myself holding his hand. I hate holding hands I think it's pointless and can get a little gross and clammy but I can see myself doing it with him. I really don't know if I like him or not, what I do know though is that I get angry when he talks to girls, I don't get jealous I just get either annoyed or angry.

When he runs to his phone to return a text message I want to throw his phone across the room. But then again when I think about it I know that I am honestly not in the place in my relationship with God where I need to have anymore distractions. I just really don't know what to think about this person I don't get butterflies when I see him or when I picture his face, but I think about him all the time.

So what does that mean.....I got butterflies with every other guy I ever talked to before, but I was never as comfortable with them as I am with him. I wish I could talk to someone about this but I'd seriously just rather not speak it out loud. I honestly don't know what's up with me, people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that it makes the heart grow crazier, I feel like my mind is going crazy over him. I hate it but also I like it cause I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.......so I'm predicting that when break is over he'll tell me about a girl he likes and I'll smile and nod.

I guess depending on how bad it hurts will help me decide if I actually like him or not. I wish I was beautiful....I bet beautiful girls never worry about this kind of stuff......I wish I was either beautiful or a guy...this would be so .much .easier.if.I.Was.a.GUY.

wwwoooo just wait one second

Ok so this whole not being scared to live life...is so hard! Seriously I know that eventually once I get used to pushing past the initial fear and just doing what I want..it should get easier but right now it's so hard. I think it's the uncertainty of putting yourself out there that scares me so much.

It's like ok here I'll put my heart and soul out here for you to maybe feel the same way as me but you probably won't but hey let's see what happens......ugghhh that's horrifying. I seriously don't want to be the girl that keeps thinking about the one person that I thought about every single day but never went after. I'm scared of how people will react to the different ways this situation could turn out.

I'm scared of what it could do to our friendship and out group of friends..I'm scared that he won't feel the same way. But my biggest fear is that this is another one of my phases. See I used to do these things where I liked a guy just because I thought he was out of my reach and as soon as he liked me back I no longer liked him anymore...I was only after the chase. Well I can't do this with this guy that isn't even an option for this situation.

So what if I tell him how I think I might feel and then if he reciprocates I just decide that i never really liked him in the first place. I feel like the dumbest person in the world with all these what ifs, and for those that don't know me you probably think I over think every single situation but I promise you I don't. It's just those darn matters of the heart...they make me think way to much.
Happy Turkey day!

I wrote...

About a year ago I wrote myself a letter and I just reread it for the first time in a long time and I'm really happy that I did....thank God that I did I really needed it.

"letter to self"
don't be afraid to look dumb or fail. Don't be afraid of rejection. Don't be afraid to say no or yes. Just don't be afraid to live everyday to the fullest. Love with all you have, be the exception and never forget who you are.
with love,
Nicole

I remember the day I wrote this I was in practice and I had just given up the chance to meet Sacha Fletcher because I was too nervous and I just couldn't get myself to speak to him. I don't regret it though because it taught me that my fears honestly can hold me back in life and I really don't need them too. Man...I'm so scared lol but I'm not gonna let it hold me back, I'm just gonna see what happens with this I won't get my hopes up or get any expectation I'm just not gonna be afraid. That's my goal for the rest of my life to not be afraid, to give my life to God, to be the person that I'm destined to be, to travel to the places that I'm meant to travel to and to love. I'm facing my fears and I'm not sure where that's going to lead me but I'm facing my fears and opening my heart to the possibilities.

Music floods my brain

Right now I'm sitting in my friends dorm room listening to John Mayer and I just became ridiculously grateful for all of the friends that I have in my life. Last night I got to spend time with my friends from a different college and usually it's me and Lindsey but since Linds is in D.C I went by myself.

I didn't have a problem with going by myself but the thing is that all of my friends there are guys and people always get the wrong idea when I say that I'm going to hang out with all of my guy friends. But they're honestly some of the nicest, considerate and protective boys that I've had the pleasure of getting to know.

I haven't know them that long and they are so easy to talk to and whenever I need something they're always there for me. But I used to always think that they liked Lindsey a lot more than they liked me and last night just sealed the deal for me that they like us both equally. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all and I got to spend time with each person and got to wrestle Dave which was hilarious but I just really had such a good time.

I'm going to miss them so much over this Thanksgiving break and I don't even want to think about Christmas break because I don't want to think about going that long without seeing them. They honestly make me and Lindsey so happy I love them to death. It's weird because I've never had real male friends all of my guy friends from home are either dating one of my friends or have tried or are trying to get with me in some way. Like Joey kept saying stuff to me last time I went home and it was weird cause he like turned me down when I liked him saying we were just friends to people and now he's making all these advances at me and I don't like it.

The only thing I need in my life right now are some real friends and I'm just really thankful that God has placed so many great people in my life because I would honestly be lost here without them. Every time I found out that I'm hanging out with them I look forward to it all week and like count down the days, just like I do when I know I'm hanging out with my best friends at home.

I'm so afraid to ruin the friendship that I've built with all of them that I would never ever entertain the thoughts that sometime come in to my mind just because of the fact that if anything happened and they stopped talking to me for some reason I would be absolutely devastated. No lie I would probably cry my eyes out, we're getting to the point where we actually have deep conversations about things and I'm scared that this is all to good to be true.

Uncertainty

I could run if I wanted to
But in my heart I know
I would only run into your arms
Our hearts beat as one
Though our time together is short
We know this will never work
Harsh words are spoken too often
and loving words to rarely stumbled upon
we can't linger in our filth any longer
But can love ever be considered filth
yes we fight and argue and sometimes it's physical
but I love you
We neglect each other and continuously lie
But I need you
Never have I lusted for some thing as much
As I lust for your breath on my cheek
Your hands fill the spaces my body left empty
I'm whole
Or at least I think I am
this is love
will I'm pretty sure it is
If you were to leave me I'd be empty
Or at least I think I would be
But now that I think and say it out loud
I'm not sure

I thought I was strong

What is living? I need to know how do you know when you've truly begun to live. Who evaluates the things that you've done in your life so far and say...well Nicole congratulations you've finally begun to live.

What defines the extent to which I held back in life. Is making cautious decisions and trying not to get hurt in life..not living. I will admit that at times I do make the cautious decision but I think that the majority of the time I try to throw caution to the wind and just live my life. I dress the way that makes me happy and say what I want and mostly do what I want so I would like to think that I'm living for the most part.

There's just that one part of my life where living isn't an option. The part where my fear of pain and rejection keeps me from letting it flourish and grow the way that it should. I don't love too often, I love my family and my friends by that's about it. I love my parents with all of my heart and I love my niece and nephews more than you can imagine but that's family love. I think of all of my friends as family too so once again that's family love.

The thought of trying to extend that love past the four walls of my life and into a world that can throw it back to me broken....leaves me petrified. Last night I watched the Sex in the city movie and Carrie gets left at the altar. That made me so scared, what if I love someone with all of my heart and promise to spend the rest of my life with them, and then they leave. What if I finally tell someone I love them and they don't feel the same way.

What if I finally decided I want to be someones girlfriend and then they break up with me. I thought that I was strong but when it comes to matters of the heart I'm not. When boy hurt my feelings I usually do one of two things, I either cry and just stop talking to them all together. Or I pretend everything is ok and I become this mean and heartless female that pulls out everything about you that I know will hurt you. I can't handle being hurt it turns me into a person that I don't like to see.

I would love to get married one day and spend the rest of my life with someone but I honestly just d0n't know if I'm strong enough, what if I can't do it. Or what if I do it and it breaks me. I hang on to the lyrics of the genuis Michael Buble sometimes for peace of mind they say "I know someday that it'll all work out, you'll make me work so we can work to work it out, and I promise you kid to give so much more than I get, I just haven't met you yet." Maybe my problem is that I honestly just haven't met the person that is supposed to give me security.

The person that though it'll all still be scary and filled with uncertainty I'll be ok with it because I'll know that he'll always be there. My fears of being alone for the rest of my life are so much greater than my fears of falling in love that I know that I'm going to face my fears, because I honestly have no choice but to do so. I want to fall in love one day, and I want to fall hard, so if that means me risking, getting broken up with, or left at the altar, or told that I'm not loved than so be it. It's better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. right?

My hair...and rihanna

So I just saw Rihannas new video for her song Russian roulette and it made me cry, I'll write more about it later because I'm in between classes at the moment but...anyways here's a picture of how I want to cut my hair.


more on this later gtg to class =[ lata

I confuse myself

At least my mind is under control now, that's definitely something that I should be great full for I avoid a lot of the thoughts that used to drive me crazy not to long ago. I'm not letting myself think about the hims or the thems I'm really trying to make this time in my life about me and making myself a person that I think this world needs.

I'm definitely moving on with my life and though I may not have closure in a few aspects of it, I'm still moving on. The past is just a slither of the person that I am now I must say that these last few weeks have really forced me to examine myself. Time spent alone with out any men in my life romantically, it's definitely been a challenge for me not to talk to every guy that has shown interest in me.

I'm being like Joseph and fleeing from all temptation that comes my way because I know that God has truly put me in this place in my life for a reason. This state of solidarity, I'm so much closer to myself then I used to be I like myself more, I'm learning a whole lot about myself and my self restraint and the fact that with Gods help I do have the power to say no to things.

I'm wiser now then I was, my days are spent focused on things that are more important, I don't continuously check my phone upset if he doesn't text me. Now I'm just happier in a way because I'm feeling the same way they made me feel but this time around I'm showing myself that I am worth something and beautiful without needing someone to say it to me. This place I'm in is definitely empowering I'm just doing my best and so far it's working out for me.

I feel a crush slowly trying to creep it's way into my life but I've been trying my hardest not to succumb to it so I won't even talk about it now. I'm just pleased is all and I thought I would share, don't forget to thank God for everything you have without him we'd all be nothing.

Did you pray today?

A weird answer to a simple question
Lost thoughts found on a page but forgotten in reality
It's crazy how easy it is to go from being ok
to being not so ok
Words play games with your mind
They slip there way into your ears
and swing on the thoughts that your mind processes
The numbers that configure themselves together
to make a number that reaches you
I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact
That right now there is no one to think about
or miss and long for
My heart yearns for no one
I have no crush
no love interest
no one to call me beautiful
and now I'm lost thinking
what now?
So I immerse myself completely in my studies
We must get good grades and make the deans list
We must use our time wisely
and become something that will make
our parents proud
I've forgotten about all the lost loves
and I cut all ties I had to them
My heart is sincerely whole
and is it wrong that I wish it wasn't
That if only I had some memories
A few shards of my heart
A few wounds
Then maybe I would feel like there was something
It's hard to explain how I feel because
I don't feel empty
Or feel like something is missing from my life
I honestly don't need anyone in that way
right now
But for some reason
some way,shape or form
I want something
Well not exactly want ..more like
I miss something
I lay down and the covers go over my head and
I miss something
My head gently lands on the pillow , my eyes close and
I miss something
Who knows exactly what it is that my body misses
Lust is a strong feeling
It can ruin a life and rattle a family
But in this case it just keeps me missing
Missing a touch and a kiss
Not the person or personality that goes with it
Just the feelings that I get
when I get it
Admitting the truth makes it all real
I've become a wonder to myself
in the way that I'm finally being honest
Maybe not in every aspect of my life
But I'm definitely finally being honest with myself
It angers me to think that some people read this
Search through the words
seeking an explanation for me
For why I say or do certain things
Instead of just coming to me and asking me
Well this is me being honest
Ask me!!!
This blog is for my enjoyment
This is for me to feel safe and open
I come here to speak
To write and to let my voice be heard
A voice that though it is loud
Is very often spoken over
I long for the days where my knowledge is acknowledged
Until then I sit back
Being honest with myself
and trying to bury the lust that leaves me longing
For feelings but not emotions
I will admit I'm a bit messed up
I'm battered and bruised
with many unseen scars
But I'm definitely not broken
Still I rise to the destiny that is before me
I ask that God prepares me for the days to come
I ask that he hold me in his arms and rocks me to sleep
I ask that God be my refuge
My shield
and my strength
For God I live
and for God I die
I prayed today asking for a good day
I asked to be watched over and kept
Thank you God for answering my prayers.

procrastination

Right now I am seriously procrastination studying for the test that I have tomorrow afternoon and it made me remember that i haven't written a real post on here in a while. So not to neglect my obligations I'm gonna write a little bit. So I don't know my life is going ok lately my uncle died I'm not exactly sure when but my parents told me when I went home this weekend. Apparently they waited to tell me because they didn't want me to be upset at school and like doing bad in my classes, but so far I'm doing ok. I haven't even cried yet so hopefully I keep taking this well and I don't just break down one day.

Besides that everything in my life is going ok, there are a lot of things that i need to start doing more of. I really need to buckle down and stop playing with God and the relationship that I'm trying to build with him. My father gave me these like dvds that he wants me to start listening to and I think I'm going to start tomorrow because I miss the relationship that I had with God over the summer. I prayed all the time and read my bible and I just feel like we were so close at that time and now not so much.

I just really want him to know how much I want to live for him and do things for him, but I seriously have to stop saying it and actually start living it. It's so hard when you enjoy doing the things of this world and things like that but I'm seriously going to try harder, I'm going to keep going to the seventh day church around here with my friends. I'm going to try to pray more than right before I go to sleep and actually start my day off with prayer. It's hard to do anything in the day and try to stay productive and I think that if I started my day off with prayer that it would be so much better.

I think the moral of the story is that I need to get my priorities together. I'm not a little kid anymore I can't expect my parents to get me into heaven I have to do that myself, and it's still only by the grace of God that I'll get there. I just need him in my life, I can't break right now I have to be strong for myself or I won't make it through the rest of the semester. The play will be over in two weeks and then I'll actually have free time again and I can't even believe it I'm so happy.
I feel like I'm writing an essay or something but it's just that I really haven't written anything in so long that I feel like I have so much to tell you about and I don't even know how to get it all out.

I think I may have already said that Devon and I aren't friends anymore and it's not even worth me writing about but I know that it was the lords will for me to stop talking to him because I'm so much happier. Plus I realize now that I was using him to make me feel better about myself and it's never ok to do that to a person and I need to know that I'm beautiful and precious and priceless without having to hear a person say it to me.

I think that right now I really would like to be with someone but I don't want to settle for just anyone just because there interested in me. I've seen way to many relationships fail and had to pick up the pieces of my friends hearts to know what happens when you rush into things and I'm not in the business of doing that. I think that once I start to putting my life in the order that it needs to be in and stop with all of the foolishness that I'll be a lot happier. I need to stop being so afraid to stand up for what I believe in and not be afraid to say that I don't agree with certain things. I need to stop using bad words and thinking it's ok and I need to not let myself get drunk ever again because God showed me that I was lucky the last time because he blessed me with some really great friends and I won't be so lucky the next time.

But anywhos I was thinking about relationships and how when I finally do end up in a relationship I need to work on my jealousy issues so that they don't interfere in anyways shape or form. Because I get jealous when me parents spend more time with another siblings than me and also when my friends don't text or call me enough so I know that if I don't get this together ASAP that it could possibly ruin any relationship that I would like to have in the future.

So now that I've rambled for about 15minutes about God knows what I'm actually going to go to sleep now so I can wake up early and study for this test I have tomorrow afternoon =]. Wish me luck!!!

It's been a while

I know it's been awhile I promise to write soon but....
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