Live out loud.

I want to be outrageous. I want to live my life out loud. I never want to settle down...who says that just because you get older you have to become tame? No! When I'm married and have kids I still want to be wild and crazy and full of life and I want to marry someone who is the same way.

I want to marry someone that doesn't try to bind me up and chain me to the structures and rules of this world. I want to marry someone who allows me to be myself and doesn't make me feel like I need to be censored. I want to be in love with the wonders of this world and all the different places in it even when I'm older. I never want to lose my fire....I never want my passion to burn out.

I want to raise children that are aware of the things and people around them. Children that realize that the world is a very large beautiful place that they need to explore fully. I want to live out loud for the rest of my life with no restriction or inhibitions. I want God to match me up with someone that pushes and encourages me to be the person that I was born to be instead of telling me to watch my words..or to behave myself.

I'm too wild to be calm...to outspoken to watch my words...too independent to be tied down...too ambitious to stay in one place and too blessed to not take advantage of all the opportunities God has given me.

I know that God has that person out there somewhere for me and I won't settle for someone who is less than perfect for me. I know that he won't be a perfect man but he'll be the perfect man for me....patiently waiting.

"You and I were supposed to be the glue that held this world together."

Will the pain ever go away? I've heard it gets better....but when?

Sometimes you have to remind yourself to not get worked up over things and people who don't matter...instead you have to focus on the people and things that make your life beautiful.

Notebook

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash they're gone."

A brain.

My mind goes a thousand miles a minute and sometimes my emotions follow. I'm continuously thinking about something or someone and feeling some sort of way about it. I could assume that it's just human nature to change the way you feel about things a lot and I guess I shouldn't flatter myself by thinking that I'm the only one who feels the way I do.

I swear the Lord loves to keep me on my toes. As soon as I feel like I have a grip on life or like I know which direction something is going to go then everything changes. Then, I change and I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. Or I meet someone that spins my whole entire world around and makes me wonder how I ever lived a life that they didn't dwell in.

Sometimes I meet people and I honest to God feel like I fall head over heels for them and it's not that I want to be in a relationship with them sometimes it's just that I want them to be in my life. But that never seems to work out and I never seem to mean as much to someone as they mean to me. I'm perpetually the one being forgotten so I've learned how to be numb to it all. I don't let these things phase me anymore or rather I don't allow people to know that these things phase me. I deal with them on my own, in my bed, in the dark my tears filling my pillow sheet and my heart breaking from the silence.

In the end it's all going to be alright, I honestly believe that because I'm on my way there already. God is shaping me, he really is and I have to stop fighting and just allow him to make me into the person he wants me to be.

Even though I know I do...sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Like I don't deserve to be treated with Kindness and respect. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve to be treated like I mean the world to someone, someone who isn't related to me and wasn't forced to be in my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the world.

I'm so happy 98% of the time and I appreciate my life so much and I know that I really do have a fantastic life, but there are those moment where I just feel down. Where someone says something so nice to me or treats me with such a high level of respect and I have no idea how to respond to it.

I feel like a freak...and now I'm annoyed with myself ughh I'm going to sleep.

I will not be tamed, I will not behave, I will not conform to what you consider suitable behavior. I will live out loud. I will speak my mind. I won't stop my pen from writing down my thoughts and beliefs. I will prove you wrong. I will beat the odds. I will.

I am so thankful. After all of my bad days and all of the people who have treated my badly and all the people who have walked out of my life I can honestly say I have a great life. I can't believe how far I've come this year and looking back on my life if someone would of told me that I'd be here right now I never would of believed them. I'm just so thankful right now I'm blown away by how amazing and beautiful God is. I love the way that he answers my prayers, even the ones that I don't pray. He's so incredible and I'm so blessed. Thank you Lord.

It seems like every single time I feel like I just can't take anymore I get my second wind and I'm able to keep going, thank you Lord for always being faithful and keeping me strong.

Dear future husband

These are the only requirements I want to ask of you:

I want you to be a worshiper like David
I want you to be wise like Solomon
I want you to be brave like Jonathan
I want you to obey God like Abraham
I want you to have faith like Joshua
I want you to have Jesus as your closest friend like Peter
I want you to be willing to suffer for the cost of spreading the gospel like Paul

This is all I ask of you.

Author unknown

Cause and effect

"The best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them."

Charles Bukowski

"What motivates you more, fear or love?"

"Love."


"Why?"

"Because you can shake fear but love will keep you going."

One of the most enraging experiences is to look at one of your friends in the eyes and feel their piercing eyes judging you. Someone that you trust and love and says that they feel the same way about you....one of your closest friends. Who are you to judge me?

Even if you don't agree with any of the things that I choose to do with my life, that's no reason for you to treat me differently. If we're friends we love each other no matter what, if I call you my friend that means I don't plan on just cutting you out of my life. But I also would rather not surround myself with people who are going to judge me just because they don't agree with the decisions I make.

My mind is all over the place and I'm at a lose for words because I'm so angry. Don't judge me, because no matter what I would never judge you. My friends know that they can always talk to me about anything because I'll tell them how I feel but I won't judge them while I'm doing it.

But now I feel like I can't even talk to you...and you were supposed to be one of the people that I could come to for advice. But lately I feel like all you do is get mad at me for things that don't matter enough to spend time fuming on them and then you judge me when I do things.

Seriously if I say something to make you mad, either tell me you're mad so we can talk about it and I can apologize, or get over. Because, I can't say this enough, it is so pointless to be upset with someone when you don't plan on telling them you're upset...how can they rectify the situation if they don't know what they did? They can't.

I'm definitely rambling now, but it's only because I'm so frustrated with the fact that someone I care for so much is treating me so nasty. I don't get it.

So many people ask me why do I have such high standards. Why I've never been in a relationship and why I'm still single and the answer is so simple it seems like a lie.

I have so many incredible people in my life, family, friends, professors and more and they're all fantastic. So why would I choose to let someone else into my life that didn't enrich my life the way these people do.

Sure I want to fall in love and all that jazz but I want it to be with someone special...so that's why I won't settle. It's as simple as that.