Greatness lives on the edge of destruction...People are looking at you because in the face of destruction you pounded on your chest and put yours arms up and said "I'm still standing bring it." --Will Smith

I'm obsessed with Will Smith...Jada Pinkett Smith and their gorgeous family.

Sentiments

I'm a very sentimental person. The little things that people say to me and do for me mean the most to me. I have a memory book and in this book I write down all the things that mean a lot to me. Things that I never want to forget.

If a person would ever go through that book I think they would be surprised by how many small things are in there. I write down so many things that people say to me and put them in that book, I write down places I've been and things that I've done. I hate forgetting things, because I want to remember all the moments in life that make me happy.

I've saved movie tickets, concert tickets stubbed, written down facebook comments and phone conversations. The smallest things mean the most to me.

I think that's why when certain shows or book series end I get so upset. I was so sad when the Harry Potter books ended because they were such a large part of my child hood. When TRL ended I cried because for as long as I can remember I used to wait for my parents to leave so that I could watch that show.

I'm not a big fan of change and when I feel like something that is important to me is coming to an end it literally tears my world apart. I'm happy that I'm a sentimental person but sometimes it's hard because I hold on to so many things and people.

I guess that's just how God made me.. Nicole Magloire the girl that loves everything.

I want a Hermione and Ron kind of love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wSvadXodV0&feature=player_embedded

Two of the most influential men in my life. My father and my uncle. I love these two men very much. My uncle has been there for me since I was a little girl. Though distance has come between us and also other things I'm realizing that family will never fail you.

My father has never left my side and never will. He's always been there and I love him more than words can say. Thank you for literally being the best father a girl could ask for.

It's times like these where I know my faith is being tested. I know that no matter what my God will never fail me, he will never put on me more than I can bear and what he has for me no one can take away.

I'll stand on my faith and not just give this a try but fully believe that God will provide because he will. He not only can provide but God will and he will give my family what we need.

Thank you Lord for always being faithful even when we don't believe. I'm going to be strong in this time of need and believe in you and I know you won't fail us.

xoxox Nik

Raybannnnnnnnnns

"In the midst of winter,I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."
Albert Camus.

I love harry potter.

Secrets.

Everyone has stories that they're never going to tell.

Marines

Today four marines came in to my job in full gear. They were all dressed up holding their hats and they couldn't of been much older than me. I helped one of the gentlemen but a gift for his sister and his mother and they called me ma'am the whole time they were talking to me. It made my whole entire day.

Parents =D

Fact

"There's only one difference between a madman and me...the madman thinks he is sane....I know I'm mad." Salvador Dali

Revelation?

I wanna start writing my own music again. I used to write songs all the time...and I feel like I need to start doing that again.

God is so good! Healing is real!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYjM4xrw1ds

I'm obsessed!

My brother is hands down the sickest artist I know!

I'm not a hero

"We need our heroes. Villains are awesome because they're seductive. They're alluring. They do everything we're too nice, too moral, or too frightened to do. But as cool as villains are, you can never fully root for them. It's harder to be a hero, to stay the course, to do the right thing no matter what, to never cross the line into darkness. We often take our heroes for granted, wishing they could be just as alluring, just as cool as villains, never realizing the full challenges heroes undertake."

"And if you're feeling alone know that the world can be a lonely place, but it would be lonelier without you in it." Hayley Williams

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love, but you'll miss the person you are at this time and place because you'll never be that person again."

"The only logical reason why people talk behind your back is because you're already ahead of them."

My friends

The number game...I didn't expect people to say such nice things =]

‎#78 my bestie I'm missing you girl haven't seen you in forever hope to see you soon

‎#14 your soo freakin cool nd hilarious ikno anytime im around yhu imma have a good laugh...

‎#24 U are very unique, wild awesome, crazy, truthful, caring, beautiful && spoiled...lol But I ♥ you for u :-) I dnt want u ever to change!

#789065978 youve been my homie since the sandbox even tho ive never been to either one of ur houses lol. but yea too bad u never hit me up when ur in md *blown face*

18 AAAAHHHHH i just ♥ you like seriously. i LOVE your energy and spirit. I totally wish I would see you already feels like FOREVER since i have you. You are seriously a joy to be around so continue to be YOU ♥

#5000 FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRREEEEAAAAAAKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! lol... I love you a thousand times over... for all of the time we have known each other you always keep me laughing and i do some of the most random things around u because you're a freak of nature!!!!!!! But you're always there to offer advice when I need it and craziness when I need that too! lol

#2,789 ... GIRLLL you were my buddy at CheltenhamI was so sad when you moved away. I love you and your whole family...You are the sweetest, meanest, nicest person I know. YOUR HILARIOUS and yu always toss out the truth. DONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE.

‎8709657. fuck u for making me remember tht # lol but um usually girls who throw up on my good pillow would cause us to longer be friends lol. but apparently your the exception! your cool tho. I like u

‎2789 ... i mean baby u r my wife soo words cant explain u ....." I am in love if that is enough with the prettiest girl n the world !!!

#69 only u would give that number..lol..but i gotta love u..we have come along way from not liking one another til now being bestfriends...i love u to death and we
better spend time when u come home for break

#20.5 I looooooove u and haaaaaate u sooooooo much lol. Jk jk jk u know ur company is the best. Love sharing jokes with u and being mean to u for no reason, and talking about ppl with u. Much Much love from over here and the rude behavior is just how i show it ;) MISS YOU

‎#789065 omg im mad u put this long number smh....but u knw u my bestie fa life! we've got into soooo much trouble together smh but i wouldnt change a thing lol

‎#16..... wow #16 lets just say i really dnt care for dark skin girls but i would def make an exception for u.... u r a very good friend im just learnin u and gettin 2 know u more and i like what i know thus far :-)

‎4789076837...My lil sunshine...you are truly a breath of fresh air and lots of fun and always give me a good laugh...

‎#16.. well hello # 16... hahaah sike naw miss you.. you real cool.... and i feel like we would have alot in commom... and we deff need to chill again and go see branch ave ......lls

Every time I get sad I want to read through these and remind myself that i have some really amazing people in my life.

Frustration

Have you ever been so frustrated that you don't know whether to scream or to cry. You don't know if you should pray or crawl into a whole somewhere until everything gets better.

That was how I felt this morning. I got so frustrated with myself and my teacher that I didn't know what to do with myself. Once I left my lesson I cried until my eyes hurt.

I try so hard to be so involved in college, actually all of the administration and professors push that on you. They tell you to be involved in plays, clubs and honor societies..do as much as you can they say.

Then they come back and tell you that you're spreading yourself too thin. That you have to devote your time to one thing, how can you be good at anything when you keep trying to do everything.

It's absolutely exhausting being a college student. I'm a Junior and I have over 20 credits, but I'm also a student Ambassador, Vice President of the comm honor society, member of the dance honor society, I have my own dance piece I'm involved in other pieces and a senior project, throw voice lessons in there and I'm planning my own senior project while being editor of the paper, business manager, working and trying to raise money for my travel abroad.

Now I listed that all out to say that I'm doing a lot right now and honestly I love it. I love being busy and having lots of things to do but sometimes I feel like I don't give the important things enough attention. I haven't been able to find a good balance, but I hope I do soon.

I'm frustrated with myself because I know that I'm doing a lot....but I don't know how you do anything else.

"It's funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love, while at the back of our minds we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception."

Wow this song is deep.

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God
When they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God
When it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God
When they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they're mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one's laughing at God
When there's a famine or fire or flood

But God could be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God themed joke or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they're 'bout to choke

God could be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God
When they've lost all they've got and they don't know what for

No one laughs at God
On the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see
Is a pair of hateful eyes
No one's laughing at God
When they're saying their goodbyes

But God could be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God themed joke or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they're 'bout to choke

God could be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war

No one laughing at God in a hospital
No one's laughing at God in a war
No one's laughing at God
When they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
We're all laughing with God

Grey's

"You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy people you love."

Oh hey Chris Pine.

inside the eye of the beholder

I literally gasped when I saw his face...he's beautiful.

The scarf and those buttonssss. Love.

"After a while, you'll learn the difference between holding a hand and falling in love. You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something. Promises can be broken just as quickly as they're made..and sometimes goodbyes really are forever"

I need to breathe

Sometimes life catches you off guard. God grabs all of your plans and throws them in the air mixing them up. He shows you that everything you thought you may have wanted is not really right for you and that person that you thought would never care...may actually care.

I love life and the way it keeps me on my toes. I never know what's going to happen next. All I know is that it will be interesting. That I will not be bored. I'm happy that we've come to a mutual understand..life and I. We vow to treat each other ok..and I'm ok with that.

P.S. Sorry if this post makes absolutely no sense.

Dream come true.

Fashionable man with a gorgeous beard.

My hero

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. "

--Jamie Tworkowski
Creator of TWLOHA

TWLOHA

We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

-Jamie Tworkowski

Frightened Rabbit

I'm working on my faults and cracks..filling in the blanks and gaps..And when I write them out they don't make sense..I need you to pencil in the rest.

Definition of my life

I love sleep.
My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake,
You know?

To live is the rarest thing at all....most people exist, that is all.

"Maybe, just maybe, if he knew I love him he would love me back. But weren't my actions enough to make him feel the things I cannot say or he just really didn't care."

"I collect the words you say to me and wear them on a string around my neck, close to the pulse in my throat, the thump of my heart."

Mark

What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the seas obey him.

Honestly...

"Throughout my life I've always been afraid to lose the people I love. But then, sometimes I wonder, is there anyone out there afraid to lose me?"

I don't need you to know what you want...I just need you to know if you want me to be apart of it.

Best Frienddd

"its trueee....we are just too cute!! loveyousooomuchbestfrienddd♥ best friends dont need spaces to make words because they are always connected lol"

I love Nat Shuteee <3

Layers.layers.layers.layers.layers.layers.layers.
I'm wearing so many layers of clothing today it makes me feel safe. People say that when you wear a lot of baggy or frumpy clothes that it means you have no confidence.....but I disagree. I'm wearing a cami, tank top, thermal, sweater, scarf,hat, leggings and my brown shoes from target and I feel so confident.

I'm covered up and I feel safe, secure and unbelievably confident. There's something about today that I just love. I'm going home in a little bit, my parents are on there way and they get to see me looking like a bag lady. I'm very excited about this. I would fit in with the Olsen twins today. No lie.

XOXO Nik. <3

Three cheers for five years

"I thought with a month of apart, together would find us an opening and moonlight would provide the spark and that I would stumble across the key..... Or beak down the door to your heart."

Love: From a child's perspective

"What is love"

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Brian, Age 4

"Love is what is in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby, Age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt and he wears it everyday."
Noelle, age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy, Age 6

OTH

People are going to disappoint you, I get that. But what if you wake up one day and realize that you're the disappointment?

Back in focus

I'm zooming in on me trying to make you a blur
You're forgettable
At least that's what I told you when I left
You're my past
Even though I thought you'd be my future
I'm a woman scorned
I'll admit I'm bitter
I showed you all of my scars
I explained to you every wound
But instead of doing your best to be gentle
You added to my already full collection
"I'm a man among boys." you told me
All your lines won my heart
I melted like butter from the fire that you lit in me
Now I'm burned
Charred beyond recognition
Thanks for the memories
Though they haunt my every dream
I'm incomplete
You were the puzzle that made me whole
And I'm a liar
How could you ever believe that you're unforgettable to me
You were my everything
And now I'm left with nothing
I wanna go back to the life we had
I wanna go back to being a blur
and continue living the life in which...
You were my focus.

Moonlitsailor

"I like to think that somewhere out there, on a planet exactly like ours, two people exactly like you and me made totally different choices and that, somewhere, we're still together."

Heart

Natalie was right. ;p

"You're what you love..not what loves you back."

I think that you can learn a lot about a person by just examining the things that they love.If someone were to take the time and try to get to know me, they wouldn't need to talk to me. I wouldn't have to answer any questions what so ever if they would just take time and look at all the things that I love.

That would tell them more than I would ever be able to say. If you want to get to know me read my blog, or my inspiration book, or my memory book. Look at my desk and read all of the quotes and sayings that mean so much to me. Look at my collages and observe all of the things that I hold so close to my heart.

If you want to get to know me...If you're trying to learn how to love me...then all you have to do is get to know the things that I love.

xoxox Nik

Split Screen sadness

"One hand on the trigger of a telephone, wondering when the call comes, where you say it's alright, you got your heart right.

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and wait on the porch til you come back home, Oh, right, I can't find a flight.

Two wrongs make it all alright.

All you need is love is a lie, we had love but we still said goodbye, now we're tired fighters.

And it stings when it's nobody's fault, cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name, It's only the air you took and the breath you left.

So I'll check the weather wherever you are, cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight, it might be my only right.

I called, because, I just, Need to feel you on the line, don't hang up this time, And I know it was me that called it over but I still wish you'd fight me till your dying day, don't let me get away.

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me, So that I can say that this is the way that I used to be, There's no substitute for time, or for the sadness.

"So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep...and I feel you forgetting me like I used to feel you breathe."

I'm in such a sour mood tonight.

Out of all the lies. "I love you" was my favorite.

Ellen

It feels good to talk it out. I'm happy that we're ok..and even though it's not 100% yet...we're still ok. =]

Irony

I hate feeling like the life that I've grown to love and find comfort in is slipping through my fingers. I hate the way that so many things have changed in such a short amount of time.

I'm really sick of this story and the way that it somehow seems to keep playing in my life. The way that eventually they all seem to walk down a path that's completely separate from where I'm walking. A path that takes them completely out of my life.

I hate how the irony of the whole situation is taunting me. I hate the word hate and the way that it's the only word that really describes the way that I'm feeling right now. I hate this.

I hate how the the feeling of deja vu is so prevalent in my life right now. I hate how she can be friends with everyone but me and I especially hate how you said we'd never be like that but yet here we are. Your lies are exhausting. Maybe they weren't exactly lies..but instead nice promises you couldn't keep.

I hope you read this and see how much everything is changed. If your seriously looking at our friendship feeling like everything is fine, then you're blind.

I don't hate you and I never will but I can't help but remember when you said that you'd never be like my grandfather. You said that unlike him, you'd always be around. We'd be best friends forever. I'm starting to see the flaws in those words.

I'm starting to see the cracks in our friendship. I don't know what I could possibly do to fix it, I don't feel like I'm the reason it's gotten so bad, but maybe I am. I don't know what you want from me.

I just hate how everything has changed and how we're not the way we used to be. I miss all of the things we used to do together before....before everything had to be over analyzed and approval was needed.

I hate this feeling. I hate how I feel right now. I hate pain. I hate the extra wall that's building up around my heart now that something else I trusted has fallen through. I hate how scared I am that this is going to happen with all of my friendships.

I hate how everyday I wake up and ask myself, what's wrong with me. I just don't know anymore....the irony is staring me in the face and I feel like I'm losing.

My current situation

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

This quotations literally epitomizes where I am in life currently. I'm currently trying to find all the things in my life that have made me so against love and instead of looking for a relationship, I'm trying to fix myself.

Lately I've been able to talk to one of my really good friends about my life and situation and she's helped me so much. She helped me to think of things in way that I hadn't before and look at the different situations in different ways.

I'm not perfect and I'm only at the beginning of the road but this time I feel like it's really going to be different. I'm already feeling like there is a change in my behavior and i'm awfully proud of myself.

A three dog life

"I feel like a tent that wants to be a kite...tugging at my stakes."

R. Rogin

RIP-2007

Truth

"No matter where we go, we always see the same sky."

Family

I was thinking about premarital sex the other day (random topic i know) and I was just sitting there in the car thinking about all the reasons why I want to wait till I'm married to have sex. Ever since I was at least ten I've known that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. It's just always been something that I've wanted to do but today a new reason presented itself to me.

When you have sex outside of marriage you open yourself up to the possibility of getting pregnant. If you're like me and you dont believe in abortion that means that you're going to end up with a child. Since 9 times out of 10 when you get pregnant young you don't marry your childs father that means you're going to have kids that have different parents.

I'm one of seven and my siblings and I all have the same mother and father. My parents never had any kind of baby mama drama and I never had to worry about my brothers or sister being away for weekends visiing their other families.

I never want to ever do that to my children, I want all of my children to have the same father. I grew up in a household where I knew that my parents not only loved me but they also loved each other, and I want that for my children.

I want the person that I have children with to be the person that I spend the rest of my life with and the person I lose my virginity to. So pretty much one of the newest reasons for why I'm still a virgin is because I want it all and I plan to have it all.

I'm gonna show you how great I am

I dare to be great..
I dare to be powerful beyond measure..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5NBYu6iyvA&feature=player_embedded

Welll

I don't care about your past...
All I want to know is if there's a place for me in your future.

Rory Alverson

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones then the words you say to me. Cause I know bruises can heal and cuts will seal..but your words beat the life from me.

--Truth

In your atmosphere

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I love John Mayer. I love his music, I love his style, I love the way he talks, I just pretty much love everything about the guy.

But I was just sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs by him it's called "In your atmosphere," and I was trying to evaluate why I like him so much. And I just said to my doll Natalie, I said "You know why I love John Mayer so much, it's because he just gets it."

And that's kind of the best way I can describe it, I feel like he just gets life. He gets what it's like to hurt and to love and to make mistake, after mistake, after mistake. He gets that and he writes and sings about it, so then everyone else not only can see that he gets it, but they can try and get it too.

It's so weird but, I don't know, there's something about that guy that I just can't get enough of, his music always seems to touch my heart. I'm really looking forward to seeing him in concert again one day.

xoxox Nik.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7FP5R2EOwc&feature=fvst

Love is corny.

"You can be the peanut butter to my jelly
you can be the butterflies I feel in my belly
You can be the captain and I can be your first mate
You can be the chills I feel on our first date

You can be the hero and I can be your sidekick
You can be the tear that I cry if we ever split
You can be the rain from the cloud when it's stormin
Or you can be the sun when it's shining in the mornin

You can be the prince and I can be the princess
You can be the sweet tooth and I can be the dentist
You can be the shoes and I'll be the lace
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages

You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper
You can be as cold as the winter weather
But I don't care as long as we're together."

Touch

For every action there's a reaction. Something is always the result of something. Someone pays for everything, and if we don't pay for our own actions then someone else will.

I've discovered that I'm at the place in my life where I stare at myself in the eyes everyday. I touch my own face and look at my own hands and feet and say to myself is this the person you want to be. And every day the answer is the same.

Perfect is not something that I would like to be. Instead I just want to be myself, I want to be the person that I'm supposed to be. Judgmental is not something that I would like to be either, instead I'm just trying to limit the types of people that I spend my time around.

When I wake up and I look in the mirror I've found that I've started really paying extra attention to my eyes. Looking into the depths of them and asking myself do I recognize the person staring back at me. The answer is always the same.

My answer, is always almost. Is the person in the mirror the person that you want to be, almost. Do you recognize the person in the mirror, almost. I've noticed that when it gets harder for me to make certain decisions, that how I know that I'm doing what I know is right.

When I'm the one saying no in a sea of "yes" then that's when I can raise my head high and be sure that I'm doing what I know is right. I'm a work in progress. I'm sorry to that I've had to push out of my life recently, but this work in progress needs a lot more simplicity in her life.

I needed to cut back all of the things that were adding unnecessary drama into my life and I think I'm close to being drama free. But I digress, I know that this time it's for real.

I'm going to give myself time to become a better person. I believe that soon when I look in the mirror I'll recognize the person I see and when I ask myself those questions again, my answer won't be maybe, but instead YES!

Xoxox Nik.

Two years

Two years ago, I was not as wise as I am now. Two years ago, I was naive to the world, and the way that things and people can hurt you. Two years ago I trusted easy and loved easier. Two years ago, I was different, I'm a completely different person then I was two years ago. I was happier two years ago because I was still caught up, lost, in the innocence that I thought the world had to offer me.

Now I'm aware that life is hard, and that you have to work for everything that you want. Now I appreciate things more because I realize how easily people can come in and out of your life. Now I see that people don't always have your best interest at heart, and that you should watch who you trust.

Two years ago, I thought that my parents could give me anything at the drop of a hat. Now, I know what it's like to struggle and I realize that my parents, are only human and I shouldn't expect to much from them.

Now I still look at the world with eyes of optimism and a brain filled with hopes and dreams. I still believe that I can be anything that I set my mind too, and I believe that if I work hard enough that I will be successful one day. Two years ago, I thought that my future would just fall into my lap.

Two years ago I thought that the first guy that I ever met and started talking too, would be the man that I would marry. Two years ago I was wrong. Now I realize that men can be flaky, and I should uphold my standard and not fall for a guy that's not worth my time.

Two years ago, I was young and naive and silly. Now I'm young, and still silly, but more aware of what's in the world, and how I need to protect myself but most importantly my heart.

Wrote this two years ago.

When did you know you loved me?
I asked not sure of what reply I would receive
but earnest to know what actions
turned his like into love and his fancy into adoration
When did I know he asked?
From the first day I saw you I think
actually I know, that's definitely when I knew
From the first day?
But we were at a picnic and me and you barely spoke
I said doubting every word he was saying
No that may be the first time you saw me
But I saw you a year before
You were in store in a rush I assumed
Hair in a pony tail
stray strands falling in your face
you had glasses on
Green if I remember clearly
And when they began to fall down your face
You pushed them up carefully with your middle finger
You had on a save the earth T-shirt
with blue jeans and chucks
You know the pink ones I love so much
At one point you looked my way
And I thought I was gonna faint because
For a minute I didn't breathe
But you must of looked through me cause
I never caught your eye
As you walked past me I noticed a small scar on your forehead
and a wall around your heart
I thought man that girl would make any guy happy
But I doubt she'll ever trust a man
Her heart is scarred and burned
I can tell by the way she stands
She could have any one she wants
But the last things she's looking for is a man
I fell in love with your pain
and the idea that I could make it go away
I know exactly when I knew a loved you
It was the moment I knew that I would be the only man
To make you love me back
And even though it was a year and a half later
When we had our first date
If you would of asked me when I dropped you off
If I loved you then
I wouldn't of hesitated to answer cause I already knew
I've loved you from the first day I saw you
And every day since

Happiness

Happiness
a nine letter word
A word that is so easy to say but yet means so much
True Happiness what is that about
Is true happiness driving nice cars and wearing expensive clothes
Living in a big house....with a lot of empty rooms
Is happiness crying to yourself at night
Sad that your alone
No true happiness is harder to explain then these things
It's when you can look in the mirror
and finally accept what you see
It's when you can step on a scale
and are not disgusted by the numbers that appear
True happiness
is walking down the street with your head held high
Not afraid of what others people will think
True happiness is the sense of reassurance you feel
knowing that God is always watching over you
True happiness is in the eyes of a young couple in love
A young child playing at a park
and a preacher preaching a word of redemption
True happiness is in the words highlighted in red in Luke
and the stories explained so well in Genesis
True happiness is attained when you realize
That you will never truly be happy without God
That a life without the Saviour of this world
is like a life without air..it's unimaginable
Happiness is found when you can sit in your room and pray
Giving all your cares unto the Lord
and walk away knowing they'll be taken care of
I write about this happiness because
I finally believe I've found it
A deeper relationship with God is what I seek
and knowing that he loves me so much
That he sent his son to die for me
Heals all my hurts
Fills every void
and wipes away every tear
I don't know how I made it without you
Your my best friend
and my father
Your my lover
and my mother
your my shoulder to cry on
and my voice of reason
yes a life without God is definitely like a life without air
and As I take in a deep breath I realize that
Finally I can start to breathe again.

Da' Poet

"She miscarries her purpose and aborts her dreams by overdosing on a man who has never claimed the status of boyfriend."

Truth

"I now compare all guys to you, and you know what? They never measure up. Not even close. And the sad thing is that some of them are probably better than you, but I just can't see it."

My biggest fear =[

"The worst feeling is being forgotten by someone that you will never forget."

Honestly

Words fall like rain, and evaporate just as quickly...so I won't believe what you say until you show me that it's real.

Gnat shoot up your nose.

A real best friend can give you advice that you don't want to hear, but that you need to hear. I love the people that God has put into my life. I'm going to take her advice and wait for the guy that makes me feel the way I did that night, for every day of the rest of my life.

DA

"They say, give it time,give it time and it will fall in line. But I keep wondering how, and when, and why I haven't met you. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. Is he the one, is it today. Will I turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face. Maybe I've known you all my life. Is he the one is it today? Will I turn the corner see my future in a beautiful face...maybe.

He's anything but typical, a sweet surprise. No matter what, he's looking on the bright side. It's gonna be worth it, cause that's what love is. I'll keep searching till I find my kind of perfect. And I know, I know, he's gotta be out there."

20

I know I'm too old to cry about these kind of things, but I miss my family.

The reason

If you actually sit and listen to the lyrics of the song The Reason by Hoobastank, it's really a beautiful song. I've always liked the song, but now that I'm actually analyzing it and looking at it from another perspective, I'm falling in love with it. Wow, the chorus of this song is the definition of how I want to feel when I finally meet the right person.

Hoobastank, you're fantastic.

Ahava

"Love is about living for someone else, it's about forgetting yourself and thinking about the other person first."

Devin my stinky face

So I've done this every year since I started school, and this year will be no exception. Tomorrow is my nephews 7th birthday and I can't believe he grew up so fast. I seriously remember the day he was born like it was yesterday.

I remember the first time I ever saw his beautiful little face through the glass while he was in the hospital. I remember when I used to baby sit him all the time when he was a baby and my sister would have to work. I remember when he couldn't tie his shoes and I had to stuff his huge adorable feet into his shoes.

I remember when he first started talking and when he started walking around the house. I remember when we taught him how to go down the stairs so that he wouldn't fall and hurt himself. I remember when he used to give me kisses every single day when he came home from the baby sitter, and when I had to pick him up all the time because his little legs couldn't keep up with mine.

I remember the first time his innocent little mouth produced an awful word and we had to pop him. I remember the time he learned how to ride a bike and he thought he was the coolest thing since the Jackson 5.

Holy Moly his birthday is literally in 22 minutes and I'm excited, sad and filled with disbelief all at the same time. I really wish I could be with him, and that I could wake him up and sing happy birthday to him.

I just love him so so so so much. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEVIN!!!!

Higher

"when dreaming I'm guided to another world, time and time again. At sunrise I fight to stay asleep, cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place. Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape from the life I live when I'm awake. So lets go there, lets make our escape, come on lets go there, lets ask, can we stay?..Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see. Can you take me higher? To a place with golden streets."

And the verdict is

I decided that I wasn't going to counseling, I don't think I need someone to tell me how to live my life, especially not a stranger. I think I'll just read my bible and turn to my family if I really need advice.

New outlook

So lately I've been getting epiphany after epiphany after epiphany pretty much and I'm feeling like finally I'm really on the right track with life.

One thing that God has really been dealing with me about, is the topic of men and the relationships I allow myself to get involved in. I've always talked about how I want a guy to treat me differently for once, but in order to get something you've never had before you have to start doing things you've never done before.

God is showing me that I want all these new things, yet I'm still doing the old things and that's why I'm getting the same results. How can I expect any guy to treat me with respect and care when I don't even respect and care for myself, I'm finally realizing all of these things.

I can only get so skinny, I can only be so beautiful, I can only dress so sexy but what does it matter. Guys tell me I have a nice body all the time, I hear I'm pretty from guys to the point where it's annoying, and I don't even want to talk about guys calling me sexy, but in the end it doesn't change the way I feel about myself.

So here's what I'm proposing to myself, the idea that I trying to devise a plan for and execute it successfully. I want to love myself more, and really learn to appreciate this body that takes care of me so well, this body that helps to get me through all the dance classes and strenuous weeks.

I'm going to learn to rely on God more, to let him be the number one guy in my life again. I'm realizing now that this is not a over night process, I didn't become a new person over night and I can't change back to the person I want to be over night.

So now I'm slowly evaluating the things about myself that I really dislike and I'm taking the time to break them down and sift them out instead of pretending they don't exist like I used to do.

Ughhh this new life is good so far, but I can already see that it's going to be harder than I realize, and that scares me. I can't wait to put all of my trust and care in God because he's the only one that can help me.

Preview

Lord I'm available to you, my will I give to you, I'll do what you say do. Use me Lord, to show someone the way, and enable me to say, my storage is empty, and I am available to you.

Riding in cars with boys

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us."

.....

"You're beautiful just the way you are. Look in the mirror...see that beautiful girl you're looking at? That's you."

Decisions

I'm at a crossroads. I'm deciding if I want to be successful and have the job I've always wanted, be a Christian and live for God, and also pursue the career in theater that I know I'm destined to have.

Then comes the fear of being GREAT, the fear of actually achieving these goals. Who am I to not be successful, who am I to try and make myself shine less so that I can slip through this world unnoticed.

It's so hard because I know that a lot of the decisions I make can really hinder me from achieving my goals. I also know that a lot of the stupid decisions that I randomly decide to make are starting to add up, and I feel like sooner or later they're going to catch up with me.

I can only run so fast, I've become so accustomed to just trying to change over night, I don't know what it's like for change to be a process. Why can't I just be the person I want to be already, why can't I just change. I'm running so fast it seems, I feel like my legs are moving and moving and I'm not going anywhere.

I'm running faster than I've ever run before and nothing is changing, I'm trying so hard to change, but are my efforts really worth while? I keep crying the same tears, but yet these tears are bringing any kind of difference. How hard could I possibly be trying if I keep making the same mistakes, and when I say same mistakes I mean the exact same mistakes.

I wonder sometimes how God could still love me, how he could still look at me and call me his daughter. I feel so blessed to know that his love is never changing, that no matter what he'll always love me the same, no matter what I do. If I were him I would of given up on me after broken promise number 400.

I'm shaking right now and I don't know why, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by myself. I'm frustrated by my decisions, the decisions that are starting to shape my character, after a certain point in your life I feel like you wake up and you realize that you're the person that you never wanted to be. I don't think I'm at that point yet, but I'm definitely close to it.

I love you God, and I hope you know that I really want to be better for you, I hope you know that my heart yearns to make you happy. I hope you know that I really don't want to keep behaving this way, I hope you know that i love you more than anything, and I hope you still love me. I hope you know that I'm sorry for all my broken promises, and that I'm sorry that I always second guess what you told me, I'm sorry that I'm a broken vessel in need of your constant care. I'm sorry that every time you fix me, I just put myself in a situation that puts a new crack in the exact same spot.

I don't know what I would do if I weren't a Christian, God I'd be so lost without you, please help me to get back on the right track, I need you. I love you. I just want to make you proud, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my family proud, and I want to be the kind of person that's a role model.

I don't want to be one of those people that just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm so sorry Lord. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that it took me this long to realize that i was wrong, and for me to apologize, and it's funny because I know that I don't even have to apologize for you to forgive me. You're just that great of a God. You took my sins and all the sins that you knew I would commit and you put them on the cross with you when you died and I'm free, I'm clean and I'm a new person. I just have to realize that and believe it and say it to myself every day, I'm a new person and God loves me so much that he's made me clean.

Thank you so much God for just being you. I love you. I love you more than words can express, and more than a song can sing. I love you.

Maybe..

Do I need counseling? I really don't know, but we shall see, Friday morning at 11.

This heart

My heart is lost
Sometimes I try to find it but my efforts always fail
My heart is a child
Left alone in an amusement part searching for their parents
My heart is black
It's an empty abyss

I wish I could fully describe my heart
I wish I could talk about it's features
Explain the contours and facets but my memory fails me
My heart was youthful
But I imagine that my heart is old now

I don't remember when I had my heart last
It was large and it was bright and it would beat loud
It was full and it was cheerful and it was once cherished
My heart was warm with the love I once knew
So warm that I can sometimes still feel it's warmth

My heart is lost
It's alone somewhere in this dark world
In the arms of one whom was found to be unworthy
It's probably battered
It wouldn't surprise me if it were also scarred

My heart is a glass half empty
I thought he'd be the one to fill me up
My heart is a weed waiting to be pulled
My heart was the sun but now it's the moon
Destined to always be the lesser version of what it used to be
My heart is a womb left barren
My heart is empty
It's a shame, my heart is left empty and lost
I hope he enjoyed my heart.

Love song for no one

It's not your scent, cause I've never met you.
It's not your warm embrace, because I've never felt you.
It's not your smile, because I've never seen it.
It's not your laugh, because I've never heard it.
It's not your tears,because you've never shed them.
It's not your hugs, I've never felt them.
There's six billion people in the world and I'm still waiting patiently to meet you.

Rest...

Every day I look forward to the moment where I can lay my head down on my pillow and go to sleep.

That point in my day where I can just rest. When i'm sleeping I don't have to worry about anything, all I have to do is just lay there....just close my eyes and lay there. It's so easy..so effortless.

I like to think that everyone in the entire universe looks forward to that point in their day, when they can kick their feet up, rest their backs and just go to sleep.

When I'm sleeping I'm not crying. When I'm sleeping I'm not worrying about my classes and how I'm going to get good grades. When I'm sleeping I'm not worrying about all of my friends and how I'm going to be able to give all of them equal time. When I'm sleeping I'm not bothered by the guys in my life that feel the need to make my life more stressful instead of more enjoyable.

When I'm sleeping I'm finally able to give my mind a rest...it seems like no matter what lately when I'm awake, my mind just can't seem to get a break. I think that's really unfortunate.

Bob Marley

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect-You aren't either and the two of you may never be perfect together...but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's gone."

"Don't worry be happy guy" may have been on to something here.

My year.

So far my Junior year is starting off better than I imagined it would. I'm so excited for every single one of my classes, even though I know that they're a lot of work, but I'm still really looking forward to it.

I think that after having a summer where I worked three jobs, and had a schedule that was packed with work, it's nice to have a full load again. I'm ready to be back to writing articles and papers every week and interviewing people like I did last year.

I like having things in my life to keep my mind off of all the drama that people try to start/ bring into my life. Finally I have a great distraction again, at least with this distraction it's helping to boost my GPA and improve my education.

I'm just really excited about this year, and the ways that I may be different or change by the end of it. I'm not letting any thing hold me back from getting really fantastic grades and from being ahead in all of my classes.

I have a feeling that this is going to be my year....hopefully I'm right.

Over and Out. Nik.

This is it.

And so Junior year begins.

The Alchemist

"And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment,and the incredible uncertainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

Truth

"I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit that nobody buys"

Disclaimer: I love being single, and I love the fact that I don't have to check in with someone every single time I do something. I think that the single life is a blessing. But I just have some things that I need to get out. So excuse me for tonight please.

I'm not sure what kind of feelings are going through my head tonight. Part of me knows that this is just temporary, but the other half of my heart feels like this is a story that I've had to read way too many times.

He comes for a while..then he leaves. It's a song that gets played in my life over and over again, a book that I can't stop reading. "Maybe this one will stick around." or "Maybe this guy will actually enjoy spending time with me."

I think it's kind of pathetic that I've gone from looking for the one, to just looking for the guy that will actually spend more than one day with me. The one that will keep in touch...the guy that might actually enjoy my presence and miss me while I'm gone.

I've met so many people, spent time with so many people, had meaningful conversations, shared kisses and hugs and feelings that I thought were real. But yet none of those people are still in my life.

What is it with me or what is it about me that pushes them away. Even when I don't give any part of myself, even when I don't walk away with hurt feelings, I still walk away without them.

I'm patiently trying to wait for the person who throws out this book and teaches me a new song. A person who slowly takes down my walls instead of trying to break through them, the person who waits patiently for me to let them in. While helping me to heal all the wounds from previous relationships or lack of relationships.

The person that makes me thank God for the broken road that I had to take to get to them. The one that makes me thank all the ones that pushed me into his direction. All the ones that didn't last.

But right now, that person isn't in my life, and I'm trying to find the silver lining in this dark cloud by myself. And it's hard to always make yourself happy..and I know I've said this before but it's hard feeling like your life is a revolving door.

I'm sad right now. "So that I do remember to never go that far, could you leave me with a scar."

The man's guide to love

"Whoever cares less in the relationship has the most power." Devon 20

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid

In matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
The captain of my soul

William Ernest Henley.

I don't believe you.

The passion is there, so it's gotta be right..right?

I'm sorry that I'm not enough to make you happy. Maybe one day..when you let yourself get over her I will be. I can't promise that I'll still be around, or wait for that day to come.

When I'm kissing you..

You could be everything bad for me...everything that I shouldn't be around. I keep trying to stay away from you, and give you time to get your life together. But then I meet someone who has the same name as you, or I think of how funny you are, and I catch myself smiling...smiling harder than anyone else has ever made me smile before.

How can I walk away distance myself from you. This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

Wishes and airplanes

I wish I was poetic or artistis so that I could write you a letter...or paint you a picture that made your heart swell and ache the way that mine does.

No regrets.

What's the point of living life if you're going to regret ANYTHING?

I live my life with no regrets, I can honestly say that I don't regret anything that I've ever done. I remember a time when I beat myself up about one thing, and I told people that I regretted it, but now looking back, I don't regret it at all, because I learned a lot from it.

Life is about learning, and sometimes the only way for you to learn, is for you to fall and make mistakes. I've definitely made more mistakes then I can even recount, and I'm OK with that.

I'm only human, and since it's impossible for me to ever be perfect, I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to keep being myself, a person that grows and learns from her past.

When I think about all the times I cried myself to sleep over a guy that I thought was perfect for me, or over a friend that I thought would always be there for me. When I think of the drunken nights, or the times I did things that were crazy even for me. When I think of all the hugs and kisses...and kisses that were stolen and given away. When I think about all the times that I didn't say something that I should of said, or when I held back sweet words that could of made someones day.

When I think of my friends, and all the secrets that I still haven't told them. When I think of the way that I've locked my heart so deeply into my chest, that I can't even unlock it. When I think about all the videos, and text messages and phone calls. When I think of all the times I put myself in very dangerous situations with strangers. When I think of cuddling and nights not spent alone. When I think of everything...I can honestly say I have no regrets.

Live your life like there is no tomorrow, and have no regrets.

Nik.

Summer time.

I think it's safe to say that this has been the best summer of my life so far. I spent so much time with so many incredible people. I went on vacation three times, I went to Ocean City twice and Myrtle beach once.

I think the best part of this summer, was the fact that I saw my best friend pretty much ever single weekend. Also every time I went on vacation, we went together. I didn't think it was possible but we actually got closer this summer, I really love the heck out of that girl.

But back to my summer, it's not even over yet, and i honestly have no complaints about how it has gone so far. I got a tattoo this summer, and I got my belly button pierced, both of those are two things that I always wanted.

Also I got to go miniature golfing, which is something that I hadn't done in a very long time. I got to hang out with so many people that I hadn't seen in forever, and it was really great.

I'm actually at a lose for words at how great the summer was I think, because I can usually write a lot more. Honestly my summer was just so fantastic that I don't think words will even express how happy I am about it. I'm just really happy.

Big thank you to. Matt. Ethan. Mom. Dad. Phillip. Phil. David. Zach. Trevor. Jabari. Jonathan. Shawn. Jared. Mike. Micheal. Adrienne. Gabriel. Corey. Jason. Ariana. My best friend forever Leah. Sara. Ryan. and anyone else who helped me to have a great summer. I love you guys lots.

My life is only getting better from here. I'm seriously sooo happy. Thank you Jesus for blessing me with such a great life.

Trust

Today I told my best friend things about me that I've never told anyone else. Things that I had pushed so far back in my memory that, I had forgotten that they had even happened to me.

I told her a lot, and it's safe to say that I trust her more than anyone on this entire earth. She's the only person who knows absolutely everything about me. I seriously don't know what I would do without her.

O and O. Nik.

A rare occurrence

This weekend me and my best friend, had the time of our lives with three really amazing guys. Some guys that two years ago, had someone told me that we would be going on vacation with them, I honestly wouldn't of believed them.

Today before we checked out of the hotel, one of the guys said something to me and Leah that made me think.He said "There aren't many girls like you and Leah out there, you guys are a rare occurrence." When he said that it not only made me feel good about myself, but it also made me think.

Every single time Leah and I have spent time with guys, that we don't necessarily know that well, or rather don't hang out with a lot, they always tell us that they've never met girls like us before. They tell us that there is something different about us.

This weekend before we went on the trip, I told Leah that I wanted to change certain things about myself, and go back to being the person that I used to be. I also told her that there was something that I wasn't going to do on the trip, and somehow, I don't know how, I stuck to my word and didn't do it. I won't go into what it was but...let's just say it was a first for me, so you should be very proud.

But I digress, It's just so nice to realize that someone recognizes all the hard work that my parents put into raising me, and also all the hard work Leah and I put into being the people we are today. There's something that I decided that no matter what I'm not doing anymore, and that's I'm not fooling around with guys that I don't have some sort of a relationship with. Now I've said this before, but I never proclaimed it out loud and wrote it down, so here I am writing it down, as I proclaim it out loud.

Being this new me is going to be hard, and I know that it will leave me with a lot of hurt feelings, but in the end it will make me feel better about myself and the person that i am. I always want people to tell me that I am a rare occurrence, I never want to be like everyone else, I want to always be true to myself.

So any who, this weekend was great, and I'm pretty sure that this has turned out to be the best summer of my life so far. I'm looking forward to the pain and tears that I'm going to have to go through, to live everyday of my life as the person that I want to be, surrounded by people who are just as motivated and driven as I am.

I'm really happy. Over and Out. Nik

Maybe I know somewhere....

I don't have much luck in relationships. I always seem to choose the same kind of guys. Guys that aren't looking for anything real, or serious, and are just looking to have a good time.

I convinced myself that I as well wanted nothing serious, and only wanted to have a good time. That there wasn't anyone out there worth me being real with, because in the end they always break your heart.

Every single guy that I've ever talked to has hurt my feelings at some point, and it's not because they were just a horrible person, but rather it's because they were just being themselves. I was so scared of anything real that I made it a habit to go after guys that were only looking for something casual.

Something that wouldn't leave any marks...something easy to walk away from. I've always made it easy for guys to walk away from me, I may have even pushed them away a lot of the time. I made myself a revolving door...instead of a permanent stop. It has come to the point, where I don't expect anything from guys..and whenever someone is genuinely nice to me, it scares me.

I won't speak of love anymore...I don't talk about the way that guys hurt me anymore...and I'm not sure how I got my hands to write about it today. There is a song, that epitomizes the way that I feel about relationships. It's called the only exception by a group named Paramore, the only difference between that song and my life, is that I have yet to find my exception.

I'm trying really hard to not become the person that pushes her feelings to a place inside of her, but that's a difficult thing to do, when you've been through the things that I have. When you have been treated the way that I have. I'm no pity party, don't feel sorry or bad for me, I made a lot of decisions that led me to this point in my life.

But one big decision that I would like to make, is the decision to stop the self affliction. I want to stop hurting myself by dating these guys that I know will never, make me truly and deeply happy. I honestly would just like to be happy, and be in a relationship that allows me to be Nicole Magloire and no one else.

I'm tired of telling people that I'm not looking for anything serious because that's a lie. I don't casually date, so if you don't want to be exclusive and take the time out to get to know me, for me, then don't approach me.

This is definitely going to be one of the hardest things that i have ever had to do, but I just can't keep feeling this way. Telling myself that I don't care, that it's no big deal, when really I know that I'm breaking inside. That I'm really devastated that this person didn't turn out to be different.

Well that different guy is out there...and I'm ready to wait for my exception. The only exception.

Let it out

There are some people in my life, that are closer to me and my parents and siblings than any of our relatives ever will be. I thank God for bringing such beautiful souls into our lives. People who love and care for us and never expect anything in return. People who treat us like we are family to them, when in reality we're not related at all.

I just love the Blackstone family so much. They honestly mean the world to me, I think of Mr. Kevin and Ms. Carolyn as my second set of parents, and I think of all of the kids as my siblings.

My life has truly been enriched and blessed by their presence, I'm honestly not sure what i would do without them. Thank you God for giving my family such a blessing.

O and O. nik.

Like a hurricane.

"I need you like a hurricane. Thunder crashing, wind and rain. To tear my walls down, I'm only yours now. I need you like a burning flame..A wild fire untamed. To burn these walls down. I'm all yours now."

UWP

I got accepted into Up With People...this feels like the first day of the rest of my life. My life is finally taking off and I'm about to start doing things I've always wanted to do. I'm so excited I can barely contain.

Will write more later.

Over and Out. Nik

If you really knew me.

I don't know what's up with me today....I was exhausted all day. Work really took a toll on my body.

Then tonight...when I got home. I got to see my parents and that was great, but I'm emotionally off today. If you really knew me...would you know that today would be the best day to call me. That I'm not sure what's wrong with me...but I'm upset.

Who is this person. What am I doing with my time....I need to get my game face back on. Stop worrying about not getting hurt..and about my peers and everything else in my life that's really not important. I need to focus on my relationship with the Lord and my school stuff.

Sometimes my heart gets so heavy. So heavy to the point where I think my chest is going to explode. It get so heavy to where I see displays of genuine care and affection on TV and it makes me want to cry. I'm mean to the majority of people who are nice to me...people who show me genuine unconditional love.

I continuously push my mother away and I don't know why. She loves me so much, and always does so much for me..and when she's not around I miss her. But when she's around I feel like I have to be rude to her and I don't know why.

What's wrong with me. Why can't I just show her how much I love her. I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do. I need Jesus to come down and spend time with me..and tell me where I went wrong. Tell me when I became the person that I am today. I need something, I just don't know what.

Yesterday I thought my life was perfect..I thought I was ok living in the facade of the fake life that I've started for myself. Then tonight I find myself consumed with pain...lost in tears..wondering what I'm doing. Sometimes when I pass a mirror I look into my eyes..I look deep into the eyes of the one person I should know the best and I see a stranger.

I'm literally sleeping with the enemy. Lord please help me. People tell me that they like the person that I am and that I shouldn't change for anyone..well I'm going to change. I'm sick of being the way that I am. I'm not the overly flirtatious and seductive virgin that I've been lately. I'm not the party girl or club goer that needs male attention. I'm not the girl that's rude to her mother.

Once again like I've said many times before I'm not exactly sure what I am yet..but I know what I'm not. I'm not the person that i see in the mirror every morning lately. I'm going to changed for not only God..but for myself. I'm going to make the effort to treat my mother better, and to do things with her that I might not enjoy..but that make her happy.

Dear Blog...I'm not perfect, I'm actually flawed beyond belief. But I do know one thing I'm a child of the most high God..and I can do anything through him...and that means even changing my ways.

If you really knew me...you'd know this time I'm serious.

Wordsssss

I'm in a writing mood. My brain is flowing thoughts and concepts around faster then I can grab a pen and put them on paper.

I'm feeling like I should be writing songs and then singing them. Putting words on a paper and then adding tunes and melodies to them...letting everyone feel my happiness or pain through the words that I sing.

I'm feeling like I should be doing more with the talents that God has placed so carefully and beautifully wrapped in my lap.

I'm feeling like I should swallow my pride and fear and let these words that are inside of me out for more people to hear.

I'm feeling some kind of way right now.

OandONik.

Tattoo

I got a tattoo last week. It's a heart design on the top of my right foot. I think it's beautiful. I think that it was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. It's random and no one understands it but me and I think it's perfect.

My tattoo makes me think of love...the true love that I've been waiting for. The kind of love that comes out of no where..that slaps you in the face while your on vacation with your family. The kind that consumes your life suddenly and you know it's real...and though no one else understands it or can see why your so enthralled with it..you know it's right.

So you defend it with everything you have..because you know that it's right. You know it's real..you know it's what you've always been waiting for. The missing piece to your puzzle.

My tattoo is beautiful...a beautiful reflection of the love that I'm terrified to find...but yet still trying to wait patiently for.

Is change possible

My blessing is also my curse.

I've learned how to not get feelings attached when it comes to males. I've constructed a wall that's a hundred feet tall and ten thousand feet thick..it's impenetrable. One would think that I was safe...safe and sound in my fortress of whole hearts and shallow relationships..but I'm alone.

I'm alone and unhappy..and the things that I'm doing to save my heart from breaking is actually breaking my heart slowly each day. I wanna scream..or cry...or run away, yep that's it I want to run away from it all..run away from everything. But that wouldn't even help me. Where do you run when you're trying to out run yourself.

I'm confused. I look into the mirror and I look into my eyes and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. He told me that I had walls up that no one could get through...he said one day I'll meet someone that will make me feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

But to me vulnerability leads to pain..and when you open yourself up to someone in that way it leads to heart ache. But right now my heart is aching..my defenses are breaking and what I'm doing to keep my self safe is putting me in more danger then I realize.

I'm sick of relying on my physical appearance and random quirks to keep someones attention. My personality is so fulfilling but yet I never give men the chance to experience it...I put on the facade..the fake Nicole that's extremely flirtatious and acts as if she's so experienced. When in reality I'm the scared little virgin that is still afraid that people will leave me and not come back.

I wish that people would never forget me, or rather I wish that I could forget everyone..that I would be hurt by the memories that flood my mind at night time.

My feelings are hurt, and I'm the one that did it. My heart is starting to crumble..and I'm the one grinding it into the ground. He told me that he when I started to show him affection it was so nice...he said that, that side of me was so gentle and affectionate.

He told me that i needed to stop repaying kindness for negativity..but I honestly don't know how to stop. Whenever I give off honesty and vulnerability all I get back is fake feelings and pain. I just wanna cry. I don't know what to do anymore...Lord help me cause all I see is fire...and there's no hoses in sight to put it out.

If a stranger could see that i was this guarded this afraid to love..then I wonder what my family and friends see. Do they know that I'm this alone..this filled with pain or are they fooled by the smile pasted on my face.

I want to change..I want to be happy and let people in..I want to give people the chance to get to know the real me..but all my past hurts and scars always get in the way of me being myself.

I didn't realize I was this messed up until Adrian brought it to my attention...Wow. I have a lot of things to figure out and alot of work to do.

Over and Out. Nik

He kept his word...

He told me he'd give me something to write about..and Lord knows he kept his word.
Until Saturday my friend..
Until Saturday.

A psychic or something..

Do you ever wonder how your life is gonna turn out?

Will I end up happy? Do I end up with the guy? Will I move to NYC? Will I end up like the people that I said I'd never end up like?

I have so many unanswered questions, and if I had the chance to have them all answered tomorrow I honestly don't think I would. I think one of the most beautiful things about life, is the fact that it is so unpredictable.

You never know what's going to happen, you just know that if you work hard and go after the things that you want, then hopefully everything will go the way that you planned.

So who knows how my life will turn out....I definitely don't know...but one thing I do know is that I'm excited to see how this all plays out.

Over and Out. Nik

=[

It's 4am and I'm still awake....I don't understand!!!! =]

Hearts and their owners

I read things about love all the time. I listen to music about love. I watch movies about love, and almost every day I talk to one of my friends about love, and their significant other. But me, myself, I've never been in love.

I've loved many things, cars, friends, family, shoes, computers, books..etc I think you get the point, but never a man. Now let me explain, by never a man I mean I've never been in love before. Of course I love my father and brothers and what not, but never in my entire existence have I told a guy that I was dating that I loved him.

I had one person say it to me before, he said it over skype, and I just looked at the computed screen. I didn't get happy at all instead I started to cry, the next day I called him and told him that we couldn't talk anymore.

I think about him sometimes, not because I think that I was really in love with him, but instead because I wonder why I was so scared at the time. I've changed so much since that day, I think that if we tried again now it still wouldn't work out, but it would of ended on better terms.

I feel bad for every guy that talked to the Nicole that I used to be, the one that had something to prove. The one that was terrified of anything real so she pushed away anyone that tried to like her on a deeper level away. The one that subconsciously went after only guys that were looking for hook ups because she knew that even if they hurt her feelings, they would never get close enough to break her heart.

Now I see that being single is not a way for me to push away every guy in the world, instead it's a time for me to get to know myself, and that's what I'm doing. I've really been taking a lot of time out to just figure out who I am. I think that I'm ready to start living my life and get to know people, and not feel pressured to start a relationship, but also not purposely sabotage anything that feels to real.

I guess I'm starting to mature...who knew.

Over and Out. Nik.

Everybody knows

I still can't believe you found somebody new...but I wish you the best, I guess.

Everybody Knows--John Legend.

two posts....two destinations

I want to move away. I want to move to a place where absolutely no one knows my names or my face.

I want to move to a place where I have to meet people all over again, a place where I have to build my life from the ground up. A place where the people don't know anything about me.

I want to move somewhere, where my friends haven't prepared everyone with stories and jokes about me. Stories about how I make people laugh and how I don't take things seriously.

I want to move to a place where maybe I can be serious for a little bit, or rather I want to move to a place where I'm taken seriously. I want to go somewhere where my past and mistakes aren't resonating in the minds of all the people around me. I just want to leave my whole life behind and restart.

I think I deserve a do over. Not to say that my current life isn't amazing, but my heart yearns for more. I need to go away and be happy. It's those few days where I get a taste of true happiness that make me realize that I'm not truly happy in my situation.

I think Up With People will be the change that I've been waiting for. I can't wait to move away.

O and O. Nik.

FYL!

"Love is such a powerful movement. I can't fathom the unbelief of it."

My feet will thank me...

I think my feet will thank me the day I retire my running and dancing shoes.

At school, in a great semester, the majority of my time is spent dancing. When I'm at home, in a non lazy break, the majority of my time is spent running. I've written so many things about the way that dancing makes me feel that I won't even go into that, but running....

I love to run..I wish I could use a bigger...more college supported word to describe the way I feel about it, but honestly I just love to run. Running makes me feel strong, it makes me feel like I can do anything in the entire world.

When I dance I use it to to express all the things that I'm feeling emotionally, but when I run, I forget EVERYTHING. When I run all I think about is my breathing,inhale, exhale, repeat, and my feet hitting the ground... right, left, repeat.

I haven't gotten a chance to run since before I went to Ocean City on Friday but I plan to do it tomorrow. I plan to go to the gym, jump on the treadmill and zone out. I plan to forget everyone around me and how fast they may be running.

I plan to forget the things that I don't want to remember, I plan to run. Running is hard on my knees but freeing to my mind, it's works against the hard work I put in at dance, but it makes me happy.

I can't explain a lot of the things that I do and say, I can't explain a lot of the mistakes I've made in life, or why certain things can immediately break my heart. But I can explain why I run...it's a simple explanation that involves inhales, exhales, lefts, and rights and a thousand repeats.

Over and Out. Nik

Forever

I have never in my entire life..told someone that I would love them forever. I've actually never in my life told anyone that I was in love with them. I read something today that made me think...there's a reason why I've never said forever.

"So please, whenever you say forever, actually mean it. Sometimes, you don't even know how much forever actually means to that person. Maybe, just maybe, you're going to be the person who's going to make a difference to the person if you say forever to them."

I've never said forever...I have yet to begin the relationship that makes forever an option.

Over and Out. Nik

My affection

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a very touchy feely person.

The way that I show my love affection or any of my emotions really is through touching. Even when I first meet a person I give them a hug right away usually to just show that I enjoyed meeting them.

It always makes me feel weird when I meet a person and they don't hug me or anything I feel like I did something wrong. It makes me feel like I upset them in some way so my hugs are unnecessary or something, I'm not exactly why I feel that way but I just do.

My displays of affection always get in the "ughhh should you be doing that" area when I like a person, because I tend to want to be as close to them as possible. I want to touch and hug on them as much as I can, it's like a need that I have to be really close to them.

It's so hard for me to stay within the boundaries of my beliefs and morals because I love to touch and be touched. I love hugging and kisses and the feel of someones skin on mine, (Can I be real for two seconds). I would be a liar if I said that I didn't enjoy and long for the physical contact, it's one of my drugs.

I feel a deeper connection with someone when I'm talking to them and I'm able to run my hands through their hair, hold their hand or touch their face. It makes me feel like my words are being listened too, and if there is a connection there then it's easier to detect when your touching.

Now I know that it's not smart/right to go past a certain level with someone before you're married and I swear I haven't crossed that line yet, but I've definitely thought about it. Had the feelings that it would make me feel closer to them or more loved by them even though it's not true.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, I think what I'm saying is people think I'm this perfect person, but my closet is full of skeletons and my stomach is full of beasts that i'm trying to contain. Things that aren't necessarily bad, but they're just not right for this time in my life.

I hope that people can see that I'm only human, and I make as many if not more mistakes then the next guy. Allow me to live my life, and please don't judge.

My affection. My lust. My drug. My caged inner beast.

Over and Out. Nik

The joy of the Lord

There's just something about the joy of the Lord.

Anyone who is a Christian has experienced it, that feeling of extreme euphoria and love for Christ our savior. Nothing can describe the feeling, I'm trying to find the words and I just can't, describe the way that God makes me feel.

It's time like these when tragedy is coming left and right and so many ppl are forgetting to trust God, that I grab his hand and hold fast. Not to say that my relationship with God is perfect..because it's definitely not, but everyday he builds my faith. Every time I get to go to church and hear a message that touches my heart, my faith increases.

In times like these, where my dad is driving to Maryland to pray for a boy that was announced brain dead. I would usually be low in faith and thinking that he couldn't possibly be healed. But instead God has given me more faith than I've ever had and I'm not only believing that God can heal Gary but I know that God will.

He is such an awesome and amazing God, he does things for every single human on this earth every single day, even those that swear up and down that he doesn't exist. Everyday he wakes us up. Everyday he commands our muscles to function and our bones to work correctly. He commands our eyes to receive and reflect light and our ears to pick up sound.

If you've never accepted the Lord as your personal Saviour I suggest you consider it because I've never been so happy, so reassured, so carefree in my entire life. Knowing that someone is ALWAYS by my side,will ALWAYS by by my side and will never leave me helps me to go through life without a worry or a care. Believe in God and the things he has for you, believe in every thing he wants you to do. Believe in him

God is more real in my life than he has ever been before, allow him to take the reigns of your life, I mean really take the reigns. Consult him with every decision talk to him about your struggles about your pains, about your cares, about the things that weigh on your heart. Pray to him about your pains and ask him to take them away, believe in the God that saves. Allow him to save you.

Over and Out. Nik

I'm so sorry

I haven't written anything in a very long time...but I will write something. Hopefully something beautiful in the very near future. So stay tuned. =]

wow

Absolutely Beautiful ♥

Celine Dion??

It's always a great feeling to work on the negative things about yourself and have people actually notice that your doing better.

It's just nice to know that people are giving you a chance to be a better person and not just holding you to all the mistakes of your past. Every time I'm close to just giving up on the kindness and compassion of mandkind you guys go and change my mind by being sweeter than I could ever imagine. Thanks

Over and Out. Nik

P.S. I'm listening to Celine Dion right now...hence the title haha. =]

Hush

Have you ever just shutup. I mean really shut your mouth and just listened to the things around you. If you haven't you should really try it one day, you'd be surprised at the things you'd hear.

Over and Out. Nik

The eye of the storm

I'm a branch
A single branch on a tree deeply rooted
I'm a petal
On a flower just beginning to bloom
I'm a single blade of grass
In a beautiful green back yard
I'm an eye lash
On the eyelid of an eye glancing at the world for the first time
I'm a page
In a book that was just opened
I'm a person
in a world full of unique identities

Do you ever get to the point in your life where you see how small you are compared to the rest of the world. I got that feeling the other day, I was in my room, and it was storming so bad. The wind was blowing hard and rain was beating down on my window pane, and I felt so small. I felt like I was alone in the eye of a storm. I felt appreciative, I began to appreciate the fact that God has watched over me so. I am just one person, one, out of all the hundreds of thousands of millions of people on this earth, yet God has never left my side. He has never failed to watch over and protect me and guide me through life, I'm so thankful. He's such a great God. If I had ten thousand tongues I wouldn't be able to thank him enough for all the things that he's done for me. Thank you!

Thankful--Nik

Good movie.