My year.

So far my Junior year is starting off better than I imagined it would. I'm so excited for every single one of my classes, even though I know that they're a lot of work, but I'm still really looking forward to it.

I think that after having a summer where I worked three jobs, and had a schedule that was packed with work, it's nice to have a full load again. I'm ready to be back to writing articles and papers every week and interviewing people like I did last year.

I like having things in my life to keep my mind off of all the drama that people try to start/ bring into my life. Finally I have a great distraction again, at least with this distraction it's helping to boost my GPA and improve my education.

I'm just really excited about this year, and the ways that I may be different or change by the end of it. I'm not letting any thing hold me back from getting really fantastic grades and from being ahead in all of my classes.

I have a feeling that this is going to be my year....hopefully I'm right.

Over and Out. Nik.

This is it.

And so Junior year begins.

The Alchemist

"And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment,and the incredible uncertainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

Truth

"I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit that nobody buys"

Disclaimer: I love being single, and I love the fact that I don't have to check in with someone every single time I do something. I think that the single life is a blessing. But I just have some things that I need to get out. So excuse me for tonight please.

I'm not sure what kind of feelings are going through my head tonight. Part of me knows that this is just temporary, but the other half of my heart feels like this is a story that I've had to read way too many times.

He comes for a while..then he leaves. It's a song that gets played in my life over and over again, a book that I can't stop reading. "Maybe this one will stick around." or "Maybe this guy will actually enjoy spending time with me."

I think it's kind of pathetic that I've gone from looking for the one, to just looking for the guy that will actually spend more than one day with me. The one that will keep in touch...the guy that might actually enjoy my presence and miss me while I'm gone.

I've met so many people, spent time with so many people, had meaningful conversations, shared kisses and hugs and feelings that I thought were real. But yet none of those people are still in my life.

What is it with me or what is it about me that pushes them away. Even when I don't give any part of myself, even when I don't walk away with hurt feelings, I still walk away without them.

I'm patiently trying to wait for the person who throws out this book and teaches me a new song. A person who slowly takes down my walls instead of trying to break through them, the person who waits patiently for me to let them in. While helping me to heal all the wounds from previous relationships or lack of relationships.

The person that makes me thank God for the broken road that I had to take to get to them. The one that makes me thank all the ones that pushed me into his direction. All the ones that didn't last.

But right now, that person isn't in my life, and I'm trying to find the silver lining in this dark cloud by myself. And it's hard to always make yourself happy..and I know I've said this before but it's hard feeling like your life is a revolving door.

I'm sad right now. "So that I do remember to never go that far, could you leave me with a scar."

The man's guide to love

"Whoever cares less in the relationship has the most power." Devon 20

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid

In matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
The captain of my soul

William Ernest Henley.

I don't believe you.

The passion is there, so it's gotta be right..right?

I'm sorry that I'm not enough to make you happy. Maybe one day..when you let yourself get over her I will be. I can't promise that I'll still be around, or wait for that day to come.

When I'm kissing you..

You could be everything bad for me...everything that I shouldn't be around. I keep trying to stay away from you, and give you time to get your life together. But then I meet someone who has the same name as you, or I think of how funny you are, and I catch myself smiling...smiling harder than anyone else has ever made me smile before.

How can I walk away distance myself from you. This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

Wishes and airplanes

I wish I was poetic or artistis so that I could write you a letter...or paint you a picture that made your heart swell and ache the way that mine does.

No regrets.

What's the point of living life if you're going to regret ANYTHING?

I live my life with no regrets, I can honestly say that I don't regret anything that I've ever done. I remember a time when I beat myself up about one thing, and I told people that I regretted it, but now looking back, I don't regret it at all, because I learned a lot from it.

Life is about learning, and sometimes the only way for you to learn, is for you to fall and make mistakes. I've definitely made more mistakes then I can even recount, and I'm OK with that.

I'm only human, and since it's impossible for me to ever be perfect, I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to keep being myself, a person that grows and learns from her past.

When I think about all the times I cried myself to sleep over a guy that I thought was perfect for me, or over a friend that I thought would always be there for me. When I think of the drunken nights, or the times I did things that were crazy even for me. When I think of all the hugs and kisses...and kisses that were stolen and given away. When I think about all the times that I didn't say something that I should of said, or when I held back sweet words that could of made someones day.

When I think of my friends, and all the secrets that I still haven't told them. When I think of the way that I've locked my heart so deeply into my chest, that I can't even unlock it. When I think about all the videos, and text messages and phone calls. When I think of all the times I put myself in very dangerous situations with strangers. When I think of cuddling and nights not spent alone. When I think of everything...I can honestly say I have no regrets.

Live your life like there is no tomorrow, and have no regrets.

Nik.

Summer time.

I think it's safe to say that this has been the best summer of my life so far. I spent so much time with so many incredible people. I went on vacation three times, I went to Ocean City twice and Myrtle beach once.

I think the best part of this summer, was the fact that I saw my best friend pretty much ever single weekend. Also every time I went on vacation, we went together. I didn't think it was possible but we actually got closer this summer, I really love the heck out of that girl.

But back to my summer, it's not even over yet, and i honestly have no complaints about how it has gone so far. I got a tattoo this summer, and I got my belly button pierced, both of those are two things that I always wanted.

Also I got to go miniature golfing, which is something that I hadn't done in a very long time. I got to hang out with so many people that I hadn't seen in forever, and it was really great.

I'm actually at a lose for words at how great the summer was I think, because I can usually write a lot more. Honestly my summer was just so fantastic that I don't think words will even express how happy I am about it. I'm just really happy.

Big thank you to. Matt. Ethan. Mom. Dad. Phillip. Phil. David. Zach. Trevor. Jabari. Jonathan. Shawn. Jared. Mike. Micheal. Adrienne. Gabriel. Corey. Jason. Ariana. My best friend forever Leah. Sara. Ryan. and anyone else who helped me to have a great summer. I love you guys lots.

My life is only getting better from here. I'm seriously sooo happy. Thank you Jesus for blessing me with such a great life.

Trust

Today I told my best friend things about me that I've never told anyone else. Things that I had pushed so far back in my memory that, I had forgotten that they had even happened to me.

I told her a lot, and it's safe to say that I trust her more than anyone on this entire earth. She's the only person who knows absolutely everything about me. I seriously don't know what I would do without her.

O and O. Nik.

A rare occurrence

This weekend me and my best friend, had the time of our lives with three really amazing guys. Some guys that two years ago, had someone told me that we would be going on vacation with them, I honestly wouldn't of believed them.

Today before we checked out of the hotel, one of the guys said something to me and Leah that made me think.He said "There aren't many girls like you and Leah out there, you guys are a rare occurrence." When he said that it not only made me feel good about myself, but it also made me think.

Every single time Leah and I have spent time with guys, that we don't necessarily know that well, or rather don't hang out with a lot, they always tell us that they've never met girls like us before. They tell us that there is something different about us.

This weekend before we went on the trip, I told Leah that I wanted to change certain things about myself, and go back to being the person that I used to be. I also told her that there was something that I wasn't going to do on the trip, and somehow, I don't know how, I stuck to my word and didn't do it. I won't go into what it was but...let's just say it was a first for me, so you should be very proud.

But I digress, It's just so nice to realize that someone recognizes all the hard work that my parents put into raising me, and also all the hard work Leah and I put into being the people we are today. There's something that I decided that no matter what I'm not doing anymore, and that's I'm not fooling around with guys that I don't have some sort of a relationship with. Now I've said this before, but I never proclaimed it out loud and wrote it down, so here I am writing it down, as I proclaim it out loud.

Being this new me is going to be hard, and I know that it will leave me with a lot of hurt feelings, but in the end it will make me feel better about myself and the person that i am. I always want people to tell me that I am a rare occurrence, I never want to be like everyone else, I want to always be true to myself.

So any who, this weekend was great, and I'm pretty sure that this has turned out to be the best summer of my life so far. I'm looking forward to the pain and tears that I'm going to have to go through, to live everyday of my life as the person that I want to be, surrounded by people who are just as motivated and driven as I am.

I'm really happy. Over and Out. Nik

Maybe I know somewhere....

I don't have much luck in relationships. I always seem to choose the same kind of guys. Guys that aren't looking for anything real, or serious, and are just looking to have a good time.

I convinced myself that I as well wanted nothing serious, and only wanted to have a good time. That there wasn't anyone out there worth me being real with, because in the end they always break your heart.

Every single guy that I've ever talked to has hurt my feelings at some point, and it's not because they were just a horrible person, but rather it's because they were just being themselves. I was so scared of anything real that I made it a habit to go after guys that were only looking for something casual.

Something that wouldn't leave any marks...something easy to walk away from. I've always made it easy for guys to walk away from me, I may have even pushed them away a lot of the time. I made myself a revolving door...instead of a permanent stop. It has come to the point, where I don't expect anything from guys..and whenever someone is genuinely nice to me, it scares me.

I won't speak of love anymore...I don't talk about the way that guys hurt me anymore...and I'm not sure how I got my hands to write about it today. There is a song, that epitomizes the way that I feel about relationships. It's called the only exception by a group named Paramore, the only difference between that song and my life, is that I have yet to find my exception.

I'm trying really hard to not become the person that pushes her feelings to a place inside of her, but that's a difficult thing to do, when you've been through the things that I have. When you have been treated the way that I have. I'm no pity party, don't feel sorry or bad for me, I made a lot of decisions that led me to this point in my life.

But one big decision that I would like to make, is the decision to stop the self affliction. I want to stop hurting myself by dating these guys that I know will never, make me truly and deeply happy. I honestly would just like to be happy, and be in a relationship that allows me to be Nicole Magloire and no one else.

I'm tired of telling people that I'm not looking for anything serious because that's a lie. I don't casually date, so if you don't want to be exclusive and take the time out to get to know me, for me, then don't approach me.

This is definitely going to be one of the hardest things that i have ever had to do, but I just can't keep feeling this way. Telling myself that I don't care, that it's no big deal, when really I know that I'm breaking inside. That I'm really devastated that this person didn't turn out to be different.

Well that different guy is out there...and I'm ready to wait for my exception. The only exception.

Let it out

There are some people in my life, that are closer to me and my parents and siblings than any of our relatives ever will be. I thank God for bringing such beautiful souls into our lives. People who love and care for us and never expect anything in return. People who treat us like we are family to them, when in reality we're not related at all.

I just love the Blackstone family so much. They honestly mean the world to me, I think of Mr. Kevin and Ms. Carolyn as my second set of parents, and I think of all of the kids as my siblings.

My life has truly been enriched and blessed by their presence, I'm honestly not sure what i would do without them. Thank you God for giving my family such a blessing.

O and O. nik.