19yrs old

So this is my last post as a 19 year old girl, or as a teenage rather, because in 42 minutes I turn 20 and I won't be a teenager anymore. I always thought that you feel different after every birthday but now I realize that really you don't feel different after every birthday but only the monumental ones. Like when I turned 16 I felt different and also when I turned 18 so I'm hoping that when I turn 20 that things will start coming together for me. I had a really crazy intense weekend and a lot of things happened some, I don't necessarily want to deal with and others I'm laughing about and just letting them go. Well on Friday night I went to the club with my friends and that was fun I guess even though I don't enjoy it as much as I used to I think that it's just really starting to get out of my system. I'm definitely getting a little ahead of myself because before we went to the club me and Lindsey went to a jam session. It was so awesome it was me Lindsey, Katey, Troy and this guy name Jude. Jude and Troy were on the guitar and Katey was on the keyboard and me and Lindsey sang. It was just super cool because we just kept making up different songs together and it was seriously one of the coolest and most genuine experiences of my life. I just felt so comfortable singing and we all complimented each other so well it was amazing to say the least. Then after that is when I went to the club with my roommate Hannah and our friend Grace. The next day I woke up super early and went to church with my friends Sajaylis and Stephanie and that was really nice because it was my first time going to church this semester and I enjoyed myself. The pastor and his wife were so nice and approachable it made me feel right at home. Then after that I went back to school and started to text Devon to see how he was doing since I hadn't talked to him since he confessed his feelings to me. That didn't go well at all we started arguing and then he yelled at me and hung up the phone. So by the time I was done with that my friends Dan and Shahyan were at our school to get me and Lindsey. To make a long story short I ended up doing a lot of firsts last night, I completed a rubiks cube and also I got really really drunk. To the point where I don't even remember half of the things that I did. Thank God I have really good friends that watch out for me and made sure that I didn't do anything super crazy, apparently I was just super funny and hit on my friend Dan a whole bunch. Which is super embarrassing because I have a crush on him so I thought it would be awkward the next day but it really wasn't, because he knows that I was super super trashed. But anyways I'm not really proud of everything that happened like the parts where I started undressing in front of my friends Ethan and Dave but Lindsey said that i didn't take my shirt off until they left so thank goodness for that. The point of this blog is for me to write about my life and the things that happen to me and the things that I experience so if this makes people look at me weird or judge me then so what cause this is my life and I should decide how I would like to live it. I don't plan on getting drunk again anytime soon and unfortunately after this week me and Devon will probably never be friends again but that's something that I just have to come to terms with. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year in my life and I need to embrace it and take it as a chance to make myself into the person that I wish to be for the rest of my life. Thanks for listening to my weekend =]

Better to have loved and lost

So today my best friend ruined everything for me by telling me that he was in love with me. The problem with that is that when we first met each other about two years ago I really liked him a lot and he did some awful things that made me stop liking him because he hurt me to bad. He flaunted his girlfriend in front of me and went as far as to bring her to my church and introduce me to her and make a big deal out of it.

Fortunately for me I was able to get over it and move on and I decided that he just wasn't the person for me. Well after she broke up with him about a year and a half ago we decided that we were gonna try and see if there was anything between us and we established that there really wasn't. After that we stopped talking for a while and then just recently or the beginning of the school year rather we decided that we really wanted to be friends and I explained to him that the only way that I could do this was if we would be friends and only friends and that's it.

He promised me that we would be just friends and that he wouldn't say anything else about us being together. Well tonight he broke that promise and it just really sucks to know that I'm hurting him so bad because what I need from our relationship is for us to be great friends and for us to talk all the time and what he need us for us to be together.

I feel selfish though because for us to even talk I need to be able to talk to him about guys and things like that, but I don't want to keep hurting him by talking about other guys that I want to have in my life when he wants to be the main guy in my life. This is just a really crappy situation because he's saying that he's known for a while that I don't see him ever being my boyfriend and that this is his problem not mine but it's still hard because I don't like the fact that he's upset and the only thing he wants is something that I can't give him.

I'm just in a really horrible situation and I hope that it gets better and I hope me and him can continue to be good friends without having to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I never thought I would say this but I've always wanted to be loved by someone and it sucks that the person who loves me is two years too late and definitely not the right one for me.

Last Night

I slept in my own bed.....for ten hours
It was amazing =]
Going back to school on Sunday is going to suck

Love letter

Dear Love,
There are so many things that I want to say to you but it's hard to get the words to come out right. I feel like I have to apologize for all of the things that I didn't experience with you all of the things that I should of waited for you to do. I'm sorry that I didn't let you in and that it took forever for me to trust you.

I'm sorry that I wanted for anything but to let you into my life and that I did everything I could to push you away. I wish that I was more courageous when it came to things like that, I wish that I could of just taken a chance and fallen for you. But there's no point in crying over spilled milk because now, Love everything is perfect for us. I wish I knew your name or could see your face, I wish that I knew your name so that I could whisper it as I slept.

I wish you could hold me tight until that moment right before we fell asleep and I slipped from under your arms cause you'd know that I sleep better alone. I can't wait for the days that we fight and scream at each other and then right before we left say I love you to each other because we know a silly fight could never break us.

I love the idea of you Love and I'm really excited to see you manifest yourself in my life. I feel like I'm finally ready for this and though it's going to be really hard it's exactly what I want, and I don't plan to search it out or look for it, I'm going to let it come to me because the love I want can't be found. Thank you for finally coming into my life Love.
Nik

today the tears fell

I cried today
I cried really hard and it felt amazing
I haven't really cried since I've been at school
I've been hurting and going through a lot and I never cried
I missed my family
I was upset about life
About people.... I don't even know what else
I was sad about people that hurt and don't have help
I was upset with the person I've been lately
And instead of putting all of those feelings farther deeper in myself
Like I've usually been doing
I actually cried
And it felt so good
I grasped my pain and it felt better than anything
I couldn't deal with not being me anymore
I had to let go and just I don't know cry
What I said in my last blog I no longer believe
I know one day I'm gonna be someones somebody
I've been upset and sad
I've been blown off and told that I'm nothing special
But I've also been told that I'm pretty
that I'm smart
I've been told that I'm special
the bad things hurt the worst but the good things are so nice to hear
the good things resonate
I have friends now
i have important people in my life now
I can't be sad about stupid things any longer
I'm allowed to cry
you can tell me what you think I am
But I can tell you who I am
I'm a 19yr old girl
I've never been in love
I've been away from my family for the last 7wks
I'm ridiculously homesick and sad at times
Lately I've been hiding my feelings and not showing how I feel
Today I let it out
I cried today
I can tell you that I am not unlovable
I can tell you that I am not ugly
I can tell you that I'm not hopeless
I'm me...I'm the person God made me to be
I'm working on myself and trying to be a good person
Trying to be an amazing person but it's hard
and I'm working on it
Screw anyone who thinks they know me
Cause I can promise you there are at least 10 important things
that you don't know
I love today
because I cried
And I'll probably cry myself to sleep
but it's ok because at least I'm crying
Thank God that I'm finally feeling again

oh Nash

This is my face
covered in freckles
with the occasional spot and some veins
This is my body
Covered in skin
but not all of it you can see
And this is my mind
it goes over and over the same old lines
And this is my brain
it's torturous
Analytical thoughts make me go insane

I use mouth wash
sometimes I floss
I've got a family
and I drink cups of tea
I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar faces
and I've got a mixed up memory
and I've got favorite places

And I'm singing at home on a Friday night
And I'm singing at home on a Friday night

And I'm singing at home on a Friday night
And I hope every thing's gonna be alright
And I'm singing at home on a Friday night
And I hope every thing's gonna be alright

This is my face
I've got a thousand opinion
And not the time,the time to explain
And this is my body
And no matter how you try to disable it
I'll still be here
And this is my mind
And though you try to infringe it
You can not confine
And this is my brain
And even if you try and hold me back
There's nothing that you can gain

Because I use mouthwash
sometimes I floss
I've got a family
And I drink cups of tea

I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar places
And I've got mixed up memories
And I've got favorite places

{This song definitely sums it up for me}

Maybe we're just alike

I thought I was different then other girls
but maybe I'm seriously not at all
Maybe I think everything about me is different
But in all reality I'm an exact copy
I wish that I knew for sure that I was something more
I wish that I could prove that I was different
I wish that all of my actions made me into a person that stood out
i wish I was a person that could be remembered
I wish I was gorgeous
Or even beautiful I would settle for that
I'm tired of being hot
Or sexy or just something to look at
I'm tired of my low self esteem
That makes me long for attention
I hate the fact that I need him for this
I hate the fact that he restarted these feelings in me
I wish I was different
I wish I had waited until my wedding day to have my first kiss
I'm still saving myself for marriage
But I guess kissing and making out slipped through that contract
I wish that I was the one they longed for
i wish I was the one that got phone calls every night
I wish I was remembered
I hate wishes because there just like expectations
wishes and expectations hate my life
I'm really not sad or depressed right now
I'm just finally coming to the realization
That I may never be that
"special someone"
for someone and that really sucks
and writing it down scares me more
writing it down makes it a real possibility
this isn't cool at all

Day I'll never forget

Today was honestly one of the most memorable days of my life
first I woke up this morning after getting 5 hours of sleep fully refreshed
because I was so excited I just couldn't sleep
Then I went and got my nose pierced
I must say that it hurt really really really bad
and then it bled a lot
But it was so worth it and weirdly enough
you get this super high adrenaline rush from getting pierced
Like afterwards I felt so alive
I felt like such a person who lived their life to the fullest
It seriously was amazing
Then the dress that I decided to wear to the concert
Ended up fitting me great
And my makeup and hair was nicely done
Then we went to the concert
And I have to say that it was seriously the highlight of my year
Pink is such an amazing performer
and since PA is her hometown she really went all out
She said that she always dreamed of performing at the wachovia center
I cried twice
First when she came on to the stage for the first time
And then when she sang Glitter in the air
I cried pretty hard lol
I just can't even explain how I feel right now
the ting tings opened for Pink
and they got us all in the mood for great music
and when she came out
I just couldn't handle it I started screaming like a phene
I'll never forget this night for as long as I live
I love Pink =]

"Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
the tip of the iceberg the sun before the burn
the thunder before the lightning the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove your not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table the walk before the run
the breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
There you are
sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee
calling me sugar
you called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
will it ever get better tonight? tonight"
Pink is amazing

Pink!

So super exciting non emo news..
I'm going to a Pink concert
on Saturday
my friend won two tickets and she's taking me
I'm so excited about it because I really love Pink
oh wait
I forgot to mention
that the Ting Tings are opening for her
I really seriously can not wait!!!!!!!
P.S. I talk to my mom the other day and it made me really happy
P.S.S. the song lyrics reminds me of how I feel when I think of my family"I miss you so much I can barely breathe"
P.S.S.S. I love God more than anything and I'm so thankful for just....everything
for every answered and unanswered prayer...especially the unanswered ones.