The prayers of a dreamer.

I believe now, more than any other time in my life that youth have the power to change the world.

I don't mean that when they're older, the youth of today will change the world, I mean that right now, in our immaturity and young age that we can change the world. I believe firmly in the small world idea, I think that instead of trying to change the whole world try to change the world of one person.

I can buy a homeless person dinner and I didn't change the world but I strongly impacted his world and I think that's what real change is about. Real change is about using the resources you have to reach those around you and helping them to have the best life imaginable.

I didn't grow up rich, by any means, but if every child in the world grew up with at least what I had growing up, then they are set up for having a pretty good life. That's what I want for the world. I want other people, like me, a normal person from a normal middle class family,  to realize how much power they have to make a difference and to go out and change the world.

If I do it in my community, and you, yes you, do it in your community and empower others to continue that trend then before we know it the whole world will be reaching out their hands picking up and helping those less fortunate.

I think that we as humans were put on this world to help each other. I think that we were blessed with the breath of life so that we could breathe life into those that do not have what we have.

Stop waiting for someone else to do it, instead go out there and do it yourself. Change this world.,

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Monsters and those who fear them

When I was a little girl I believed in Monsters and not just the kind that hide under your bed and in the closet but also the kind that hid in the dark and ripped their way up from the earth. I was convinced that being under my covers would protect me and often I woke up covered in sweat from falling asleep with the blankets on my face.

As I got older the fear of beasts lurking in the dark left me and the nightmares began. I would dream, at least once a week, about 'something' chasing me, I never could see what 'IT' was but it always haunted me. As I got older the dreams became less frequent but they didn't cease and when I would have one of those terrifying dreams I would always wake up startled expecting to be in the hands of the thing after me.

It wasn't until a few years ago that these dreams stopped and at first I didn't even notice their absence, I just became used to the nights of full rest and peaceful vividly beautiful dreams. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized that I hadn't had one of those dreams in years and I began to examine what is was exactly that made them stop.

I've come to the conclusion that as a little one I was the type of child that had a vivid imagination, anything I saw or heard materialized not only in my head but in my life. As I got older and those fears subsided I began to become uncomfortable and uneasy in regards to myself. I didn't like who I was, didn't like the things that I said or did but yet didn't have the power to change it, didn't know where to start. I wanted to be different, but I didn't know what different was.

As I got older, graduated high school, went to college and traveled in Up With People, my world began to change. I began to grow into myself and the things that had once brought me to tears were now signatures of my personality. Instead of wanting to be like everyone else I listened to the advice of my mentors and parents and learned to accept who I was.

Looking back I realize that in my dreams the reason why I never saw what was chasing me is because I would have been face to face with my own reflection. I was my own monster...my own demon. I was running from everything that I was afraid of, not realizing that all of those things would turn me into the exact person I wanted to be.

By fearing being me, I for years kept myself from the happiness that comes with accepting your own identity. If I start having those dreams again I will know that it's time to start reflecting and remembering to accept the most influential person in my world, me.

Not sure how it's possible that I can eat candy so well yet fail so miserably at Candy Crush....

The worth of billions

Today I was given a challenge, by one of my dearest friends and he told me to think about the experiences that I've had in UWP that are invaluable and write them down. I accepted his challenge with open arms and what follows are just a few of the experiences I've had this semester that I couldn't be more thankful for in no specific order.

The experiences that have touched me a lot mostly involve conversations with people that have either helped me through a tough situation, opened my mind to a new perspective or challenged me to think critically about what I believe.

I recently had a host mom that had very strong faith. She would wake up every morning and sit on the couch reading her bible and just spending quality time with the Lord. She talked to me about her faith and we shared our commonalities in the area but things didn't really go deeper on the subject until my last moments with her. On our way to host drop off we had this in depth conversation about God and his love and it was exactly what I needed in that moment. Little did she know that I was struggling greatly in that department but yet she was still able to say exactly what I needed to hear...it was such a beautiful moment.

Another moment that really touched me during the semester was a bus date I had with one of our students and he shared one of the qualities that he really admires in a person. That quality was the ability to not be easily derailed emotionally by people or situations. When he said that it dawned on me that I was the kind of person that was very easily emotionally bothered or derailed by situations and people and that's not  the kind of person that I wanted to be. In that moment I decided that I wanted to change and I wanted to be the kind of person that really thought before reacting even if it's just an intern emotional reaction. I think that if we wouldn't have had that conversation I wouldn't have realized this about myself until much later in life.

When we first went to Mexico this semester, to say that I wasn't excited at all would be the understatement of the year. I just couldn't get into the excitement and swing of Mexico and I was dreading spending six weeks in the country. Luckily for me, my original host family cancelled and I ended up being hosted with the most welcoming and loving family I've ever met. The minute I met my host mom she hugged me and told me how excited she was that I was there and how beautiful she thought I was. From that moment on every single member of that family loved me like I was blood and even though there was a language barrier between myself and my host mom we were still able to build this amazing connection.My host brother and sisters were so much fun to be around and such wonderful youth filled with character and integrity and that was so refreshing to be around.  I am so looking forward to the day when I can visit them and spend more quality family time with them.

Those are just three of the many moments that have impacted me this semester. I am blown away by the life that I lead and the amount of people I am able to come into contact with. Though it is so hard to say goodbye the impact and lasting connections that are built make it all worth it.

-Nik XOxo

The make believe

I could sit very still and listen to the wind

but in it I'm not sure what I'd hear

The silence doesn't scare me

but at times it unnerves me 

is it normal to be this unnerved 

So tell me what to listen to 

When there's nothing left to hear 

As the leaves fall off of hollow trees

I sit there 

Cross legged with folded hands

I pray for peace in the madness 

Clarity in the chaos

A chance for more light

So write me a letter

and place it on your table

and mail it only if you have the time

Cause my mind is filled with words

and distant memories 

that lead me to believe

that fairy tales are real 

and it's my life that's make believe. 

Truth

They said it best and I won't repeat it.

Day 3.

The REspons....

There's a certain level of responsibility that one must take on when they decide to write every single day and also to make that decision public.

So I, Nicole Magloire, will be writing everyday for the next year, at least.So from now, until November, 27th 2014 I need to either post on here or write something in my journal every day. The reason for this is that I really enjoy reading and I really enjoy writing and sometimes when I'm being especially crazy I consider myself a writer. The writers that I respect the most have all said at one point or another that all good writers, write and read something every single day. So I will be embarking on the good ole knowledge journey and doing the same.

The best part about this whole thing, the absolute best part is that a lot of the time I'll write something that will really suck. It will be so bad that I'll feel no attachment to it what so ever and not want to post it at all, but I will anyway.

Those pieces, the ones that are just darn awful, will be the ones I learn from and grow from. They will be the ones that make the really good pieces stand out like fireworks. Because when I write something worth reading, which will happen again I swear, then I'll not only post it but I'll put it in my heart.

So yes, I will write everyday and I'll be okay with whatever it is I write no matter how long or short it is. As long as words are getting on pages then I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

XO

Insert worthy title here.

A hopeless romantic with a knack for one night stands he was a walking contradiction.
Praying for the extraordinary
But swimming daily in the mundane

He swore he was the captain of his fate
and captain he was
But his steering led him to washed up shores and broken sails

Defeat
A word spoken often from tear stained lips
His distaste for sympathy and lack of empathy left him as someone often alone
and rarely receiving help

His writing was tragic
His songs stained with the prints of his mistakes
"What a failure"
He whispered often to the reflection that he struggled to glance at...

The concept of pain
The thing that some fight through, seeking for victory on the other side
While others get lost
Drowning
Not knowing that they have the power to fight
Or simply not being able to

He's the latter
The nameless man
Strong but unaware of his strength
Lost.

He swore he was the captain of his fate
And captain he was.

The haunting of 24

In ten days I will, for the third year in a row, celebrate my birthday outside of my own country and without my twin brother. The beginning part is awesome and the latter sucks. I have really had quite the whirlwind of a life and where it has taken me and where I am right now is exactly where I want to be and not at all where I had planned to be.

When I celebrated my birthday in the exact same place where I am right now two years ago, I never really thought that I would ever come back. But here I am, almost exactly two years to the date and my life has just continued to grow and improve so much.

I'm not sure as a kid where I told myself I would be at 24. I imagine hoping that by now I wouldn't have to share birthdays with my twin anymore and be able to have my own day, but instead I'm wishing he were here so that we could celebrate together.

Many women run from the daunting idea of growing older...aging. But I welcome it with open arms, with age comes wisdom and more years on this beautiful earth and those are both things that I value and hope to never take for granted. I know that this is just the beginning of how incredible, hard and unpredicatable my life is going to be and just like 24 I look forward to it affectionately!

Paint and pictures

I used to think that when I got in my twenties I would have it all figured out..man was I wrong.

Life is like a candy store, that is different for every single person and sometimes you walk through the door and it's all of a sudden a bread shop and no longer a candy store.

Yeah, it's like that.

When I think of my future and what it holds for me I imagine a blank canvas with colorful stitching around the border. There are only two types of stitching but they're both extremely different and the difference are both made up of things that I enjoy. I know that depending on what I decide to fill the canvas with I'll have to change the stitching, pick one or the other.

I feel as if I should be slightly uncomfortable with the blankness of my canvas but instead I'm intrigued by what will end up covering it. Will it be something that I never expected that incorporates both stitching or will it be a plan that ends with a picture and not a painting. That might not make much sense but that's so accurate of what the future is like.

I believe in creating your own future and not waiting for fate to just take you somewhere but I also believe that life happens and sometimes plans change...so what will happen and what might change while I'm busy making plans?

Not sure.

What I'm very sure of though, is that I'm going to have an awesome life and that's what is important to me, the rest are just the details and I'll figure those out when they come.

The time I got away...

I planned to write about you..to put you on a page. But then I realized all my words were nothing compared to you.

You were everything and nothing all at once and I don't know how to explain that.

We developed out of no where and ended just as soon and walking away from you was the only decision I made through the whole thing that was well thought out....well planned.

Being a part of your life was one of the hardest things I've ever done and leaving it was just as difficult.

I wish we could have started out as friends and just stayed there...we would have been such good friends.

But instead we went too fast, people said we'd crash and we screamed at them we wouldn't....but then we did. And the fire burned us up, but our bodies were saved and all that was torched was our hearts.

My intention was to spit you out and leave you here and simply walk away, but just like all our other plans it won't work.

I apologize for the yesterdays and all the days before and even more for the tomorrow's we never got to have.

Our choices, our decisions led to our demise and the dramatics that followed led to nothing being left behind.

In the end all I have are memories and a faint heart shaped scar embedded in my chest.

You were all of it and then none of it and it seemed to happen all at once and way too soon.

We were drowning with our heads up and our eyes wide open, hoping that eventually our feet would hit the bottom of an endless pool.

Always the optimist.

If I could go back in time and repack every word, I'm sure that it would end the same with me laying them out  one at a time carefully to dry.

You told me that I'd always be the one that got away and I never told you that I think of our season as the time I got away.

So I'll say the kind of goodbye that seems temporary and somehow just lasts forever and grab my suitcase of words and walk away.

Behind me is only you.

Behind you is only me.

But ahead of us... the road is paved with untouched concrete and the possibilities of the next one and the right one await us.

Words

I believe in words.

I have a feeling that not many people do anymore. I believe in the power they possess and the way they can change a life.

I believe in the change that comes from the utterance of the words "I can" and the defeat that sets in when a person says "I can't."

I believe in the faith that comes from the words "I believe in you," even when spoken by a stranger and I believe in the belief that consumes your thoughts when you believe those words.

I hold true to the words that speak kind laying softly on my ears hoping that I will one day look away from the ground and up to the sky.

I believe in the words of my mother, that tell me "you're going to have such a beautiful life," and even though they're said through tears I believe that they're happy.

I never forget the words of my father that remind me "no matter where you are, I'm still your dad," that soft reminder echoing loudly in my mind when distance once again becomes an issue.

I believe that your thoughts become your words and that your words eventually become your actions and that those actions can strongly dictate the course of your future.

I believe that the word "love" is overused and underused and I'm still confused about how I can feel so strongly about such conflicting ideas.

I believe in the word LIFE and how when spoken with conviction and faith it can fill dead lungs with air...I believe.

I believe in words and the way they fill pages and turn letters into words and sentences into award winning novels. I believe in words and the way they can calm a child in seconds and ruin a relationship even quicker.

Words, so powerful yet so rarely used to their full potential.

The dynamics of being dynamic...

One of the perks of having the awesome job that I have, is that I get to have an intern. My current intern is the 7th intern I've had since working for Up With People and he's a ginger from Belgium named Bert. You will be quizzed on the color of his hair later. 

Bert is awesome. He's quiet at first but the more you get to know him the more he opens up and gifts you with his personality. The reason why I'm writing about Bert is because one of his intern ship goals has challenged me to take a closer look at myself. One of Bert's goals is to be dynamic. 

Dictionary.com defines dynamic as "pertaining too or characterized by energy or effective action." What a word. I can honestly say that it's not every day that I hear that word and when I do it sticks out in my mind. Since we started talking more frequently I've heard Bert say that word five times and each time I'm just like "wow, what a word."

So from that, I've found myself observing and trying to dissect the qualities of people that I consider to be dynamic. 

For example, Anderson Cooper. I respect him a lot as a journalist, I think that he's not only good at what he does but he also makes you care about what he talk about. He has a way of drawing people in and making them excited about whatever topic he's excited about. The man is dynamite and I think it goes without saying that I think he's dynamic. 

So what makes him dynamic. Well, when I analyze him  I think that his passion plays a large part in his charisma and energy. He loves what he does and he works everyday at his passion and that shows in the quality of his work. He's effective in what he does because he pursues topics and is focused, in my opinion, more on the process and less on the outcome. As a journalist in the beginning of his career with CNN, AC would pursue stories in such a dedicated way that it was clear that he just wanted the information so that he could write an article or present a news cast that was informative. He wanted America to be informed, whether he was the most watched journalist in the country or not was less important compared to citizens just simply being informed. 

So, how dynamic am I? Do I attach myself more to the outcome, forgetting the why with the process, or do I do my job because it's the right thing to do, regardless of how it turns out? 

How dynamic are you? Are you the kind of person that strangers meet and never forget? Do you leave impressions in peoples hearts long after they've encountered you? 

I feel like that's something everyone should think about. What kind of person are you and what kind of impact exactly are you making on the world? 

The dynamics of being dynamic.....Hey, believe me I don't have it down, but I will one day. And man, will that be the day. 

The funny thing is Bert is already more dynamic than a lot of people I know and he doesn't even realize it. 

I HATE BULLYING!

Stop being mean and start respecting yourself and the people around you...

My least favorite thing! Don't be that person.

Benedict

I read something recently on a blog that I came across and it touched me. It hit me in one of those places that makes you stop and realize how similar we are in this world. We're so alike that someone in another country, of a different gender, who has never met me, was able to size a certain part of me up in just a few small simple sentences.

He said "I fall in love all the time. With music, film, poetry. A smile. A bum. But rarely the whole of someone."

So true. If you've met me in person or spent any real time with me, you'll know that I say the word love a lot. Not necessarily in regards to people but more so things. I love the rain and hugging trees and I love my computer and I love the way my bed at home engulfs me after a long day. I love opening mail and sending long emails to friends, I love writing letters...you get the point. I love things and not in a superficial "you can't really love those things kind of way," but in a real smile inducing, heart touching, love filled way. I'm a lover.

But as the quotation above says and grounds me so firmly with, is the idea that, yes, I do fall in love all the time, but rarely and so far never with the whole of someone.

I love his determination but I hate the way he smiles at things that aren't really that funny. His passion makes me want to go out and change the world but his lack of respect for his own body makes me doubt his judgement. His love for children, reminds me of why I want to be a mother so badly, but the way he treats people who hurt him makes me want to never be on his bad side.

See, there's always a reason and though the ones above aren't all attached to the same person they are all connected to the same concept of loving one part but completely rejecting the others.

I heard someone say once that real love is being able to not only deal with but accept someone's faults. I think I can safely say that I have yet to come across that kind of love romantically and that's okay, totally okay with me.

But I do find it interesting that something I bring up on a daily basis, love, I have such a hard time giving fully to others. But I don't think I was ever so consciously aware of it until now and now that I'm aware it's up to me to decide if I actually want to change or not.

Decisions, decisions.

Those that rest in peace

I'm from a generation that has become desensitized to violence and death. We have violently graphic and realistic video games that make kids think that you can shoot someone one minute and after pressing restart, play again with that same person.

We see movies where people are brutally murdered by vicious serial killers for no reason and by the end we realize the only plot line and focus of the movie is violence. We hear about people getting killed on the news on a daily basis and only when it seems really wrong are their uproars and protests.

I'm so sad. So unbelievably sad by the trend of the disregard for human life, in media. I found myself so sad this week reading about people who have passed away and I felt weird about being sad. Then I realized it's unnatural not to be sad about the lose of a human life.

life is so valuable, the most valuable thing anyone will ever have and when they lose that, even if you don't know them, that's devastating. Living in a society where someone dies and a week later we're making jokes about it, to I don't know, deal with the pain or continue with the trend hurts me to my heart.

I could go on and on about the way I see life and how that view has been influenced by my generation and how it directly conflicts with how my parents raised me but, that would take forever. Instead I just want to make a plea, to all the people that read this and anyone that may bring it up to their friends, human life is valuable. I'm valuable, you're valuable and every person you pass on the street has value.

The only way we will ever grow passed the pain and the hurt that we cause each other is by learning the value that we have and from that I think that we'll start to acknowledge the value in others.

Love is the movement.

Grin and bear it

I believe that happiness is one of the hardest things to come across. Everyone, literally everyone in this entire world wants to be happy and if someone tells you that they don't they're a big fibber. So it's something that everyone is after and there's enough to go around and for each person it comes in different forms...but yet so many people are unhappy.

So many people have yet to find what fills them with real happiness. The kind of happiness that even when things are going horrible can make you feel warmth, the kind of warmth that starts in the bones and spreads outward.

So many search for their happiness in others, putting their precious time and priceless love into the undeserving just hoping for a glimpse of what real happiness is. It makes me so sad seeing all of the children in the world that go unloved. It hurts me to see adults that walk down the street living their unfulfilled lives going to jobs they don't like doing things they're not passionate about...too afraid to leave the unfamiliar to find true happiness.

I am so inspired by the people that take unbelievably big risks in order to be happy. The people who propose to their significant others on live television praying and hoping that they'll say yes. Those people who jump out of planes for a living, literally risking their lives everyday to jump out of a plane, because it makes them happy.

I think that's why so many people turn to drugs and alcohol because it fills that place for them and when they finally realize it's only a temporary fix they find themselves knee deep in addiction.

Happiness, it's defined as being "a state of well being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy," even the definition is beautiful.

Whatever it is that makes you happy, whatever fills you with that intense joy that overflows in your soul and seeps from your pores...chase after it. Consume yourself in the things that make you happy and live a life worth living. People say that life is too short to be unhappy, well I say life is long and beautiful and you deserve to spend every last second of it immensely happy.

Don't grin and bear anything...instead just grin. Be happy.

Women VS Women

It used to be impossible for me to be friends with beautiful, talented women. I was insecure and every female that I met that seemed at all like someone who could be "competition" for me, wasn't my friend.

I rated my value by the number of men that wanted my phone number or told me that I was hot or sexy that day. Disrespect? What's disrespect when someone is telling me that I'm attractive, right? I was a hurting rebel without a cause.

I mean, of course, mom and dad would always tell me that I was their baby girl...the most beautiful girls in the world, my sister and I. But to me it wasn't enough, I needed the superficial validation that came from the strangers that only knew me by what their eyes could take in.

I didn't understand why I would cry myself to sleep sometimes. Why wasn't this enough? This life that I surrounded myself with, these people that pretended to be my friends, but when I wasn't around they talked about me, the way they would talk about others with me. Friends? More like frenemies. I attracted people who were just like me, hurt people who sought out to make others feel their pain.

I remember my best friend and I, thankfully one of my only friends that was really a thoughtful and true friend, would get honked at and we would count it as a medal of honor. Someone degrading us and lowering us to little girls who's worth was equal to a honk, we thought it was everything.

But then, things changed. It didn't happen over night. But their was a point where I noticed that I had more female friends and I was able to acknowledge another woman's beauty instead of comparing them to myself.

I think it was when I started building and nurturing my faith and my relationship with God that I started to see and acknowledge my self worth. By immersing myself in him and seeking to know him more, it's in him that I was able to see the talent and beauty in myself and learn to appreciate and love it in others.

I ended up going to an all women's college and we were taught how to encourage and empower each other. We were taught to be rated by our resumes and our knowledge instead of our bodies. We were taught to raise our hands when questions were asked and to share our opinions no matter who was in the room.

Then I traveled abroad for six months and I met people that told me I was beautiful everyday and I believed them. I was able to watch other women singing songs I wanted to sing and dancing numbers I wanted to dance and feeling genuinely proud of them instead of feeling sad for myself.

Sometimes I feel the old jealousy revving up inside of me, the gossip pushing at the back of my lips, but then I realize that saying something bad about someone else does nothing for my life. Spreading gossip and emitting hate towards others in no way improves my life or builds me up as a person. In my life right now I'm surrounded by the type of people that I want to be around and I've learned that the wrong type of people are eventually weeded out.

Positivity, that's what I want to surround myself with and in order to do so I have to assure that I'm a positive person. Okay, that's all from me for tonight.

Xoxox Nik.

Brims and fillers with love and dimmers...

So I'm over flowing. Literally busting at the seems....well not literally but.

I digress.

Today I woke up earlier than usual wanting to get more out of the day. I laid in bed for 20 minutes telling myself that though my bed felt unbelievably comfortable, getting up was the best option. I got up.

My stomach growled and I ate what seemed like the worst orange I've ever had. I finished it. Then I went to the gym and ran the worst three miles of my life, it was so hard and I felt like I struggled through the whole things. I didn't stop until I did three miles.

Later I came back and cleaned the the house and ate a salad that wasn't really that good, but I ate it anyway. Then I took a shower, read an entire book and watched two episodes of Cheers, then started another book and dined on it until my Mom came home.

I think that before the time where I learned to embrace every moment, I would have looked back on today and said that I had a pretty boring day. A day filled with menial things, but instead I felt like I had a full day, a day where I was able to expand my mind, feed my body as well as my soul.

Thinking about all the things that have happened in my life lately, to the people I love and even the crazy things that are going on in the world, I feel so blessed to be able to enjoy such a low key day. A day where I didn't have to think about where my next meal was coming from or how I was going to support my family and myself, like some people in the world had to do but instead I was just able to relax.

What a gift it is to be able to relax and not only go to the gym and read one book, but actually two books. In a few weeks, I'll go back to the hustle and bustle life of being an Education Coordinator in Up With People, and I'm so excited for the new cast. To meet them and help to guide them through one of the best experiences of my life so far.

But until then, I'm enjoying this. Staying up too late and waking up after 10. Being able to workout out in the middle of the day and then come home and lay on the couch with a charming book and a cup of hot tea ( I drink hot tea all year round.) As much as I love to travel and do things that are exciting, I so love just being at home and settling into this beautiful and relaxing life.

So yes, I am filled to the brim, with life and how even when I think it's slowing down to a boring pace, that's when I'm able to look around and soak up the beauty that is laced in everything around me.

Brims and fillers...love and dimmers.

Xoxo Nik.

Steps to peace...

I have never felt so in tune with myself as I've felt this past week. I feel weightless and free for the first time in a long time and it's such an intense and odd feeling.

I wish I could get an emotional X-ray right now. One that could pinpoint every emotional and feeling and put it into a more tangible form, a form that makes more sense because right now I'm not sure how I got here.

Things definitely aren't perfect in my life right now, not at all but yet my heart is in this amazing place where the little things are just that, little and the big things are elephants waiting to be eaten one bite at a time.

Things I've been doing that may have led to this new found happiness-

1. I just finished an amazing tour. I finished this past semester feeling full of life and passion for the world and the people in it. I had no regrets and I already feel ready to go back and meet the new cast and do the whole thing over again.

2. On Sunday I went to church with my parents and I ended up getting prayer from a lady at the church. I didn't want to get prayer for myself instead I was going to ask for them to pray for a friend of mine and his family. Without even saying a word the person that prayed for me just grabbed my hand and started saying one of the sweetest and most sincere prayers I've ever heard. She just knew everything...she knew it all. She was able to pray for my friend but then she prayed for me and she asked God to heal and touch me in places that I didn't even know were hurting. It was so beautiful, really one of the most beautiful moments of my life. At the end she hugged me and it was like I was hugging my best friend, even though we had just met.

3. I've been spending a lot of time with my parents. You know, I always seem to forget that my parents love me more than I can ever imagine and I won't know how much they love me truly until I have my own kids. This last week with my parents has really been just so nice, we've been able to talk and just do so many small things together that end up being so big. I feel like our relationship is really growing to a new level and that's awesome.

4. 8 hours...that's how much I've been sleeping every single night. I've been making sure that I get at least 8 hours of sleep every night and it's been so nice. My body feels refreshed and my mind feels like it's in tip top shape and it's a pretty cool feeling, I forgot what it felt like to be so well rested.

5. I've been reading a lot. I went to the Library yesterday and got a heaping load of books and in two days I've already read three books and started the fourth one. I remember in college my English professor told us in order to be a good writer you have to read and write every single day, so that's what I'm trying to get back to, reading and writing everyday.

The other day I saw my sister in law and she told me that she thought that I had changed since the last time she saw me, she said I seemed more mature and level headed. Let me tell you, that was so nice to hear from someone who has known me since I was young and quite out of control, it's a really nice feeling when you can tell that the change you feel on the inside is visible from the outside.

Anywho, what I'm getting at with this tangent is that something is different....I don't know what it is, but whatever it is it's a welcomed change. I feel like all the pain, all the hurt and all the unspoken fears are no longer holding me back. It seems weird writing it out and trying to put words to the feeling but I feel like I'm so alive, so alive. It's amazing, definitely a welcomed changed. And you know what? Since I like it so much, I'm gonna make sure it sticks.

xoxox Nik.

Read on Jonacuff.com

"If at the end of my life, the only thing I've accomplished is a comfortable life, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing that I fought for is my own name, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I've cared about is my own care, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I've stood up for is my own reputation, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I've traded is works for rewards, than my days have been wasted.

May we not go to the grave quietly

May we not make refuse of the gifts we've been given.

May we never chase the shiny in place of the holy, the trend instead of the truth, the immediate instead of the eternal.

Arrive empty to the grave, having given all you were given, stewarded all you were tasked.

Give the grave only bones."

Love.

Life lessons...

This semester I learned so much about myself, I find it so incredible that this program changes the lives of so many people, even it's staff.

I learned this semester that I receive love in a different way than I give love. My main love language for receiving and feeling loved by other is quality time, by spending quality time with others I feel like I'm getting to know them better and that we have a deep connection.

When I'm showing love to others I mostly do so through physical touch and acts of kindness. I do things for the people I love, whether that's cleaning the house or just doing something small for them that I know that will make them happy. But primarily, especially in relationships, I show my feelings for others by touching them.

 But the really interesting part I think, is that I do not receive love at all through physical touch. Yes I like to be hugged and things like that, but just because someone is touching me that doesn't mean that my love tank is being filled, actually 9 times out of 10 I'm probably hoping that they will stop touching me soon. Weird.

I learned that I react so much better to things when I just breathe and relax for a second. I worked so hard this tour on not being stressed out or upset about the small things and when I had instances where I was upset about something I really pushed myself to just breathe and relax. By doing so, I found that I treated people better, reacted more rationally to things and had less regrets.

This semester I learned that as scary as it may be to open up to new people, that you know you'll have to say bye to, that the gift is so much better than the consequence. This semester I feel as if I walked away from the tour with such dear friends and I think that it's mainly because I took the guards that I so carefully placed around my heart down in order to truly experience the six months. I have to say that doing so was the best decision I made all tour.

I walked away from the semester, sad that it was over, but so glad that I was leaving with so many new friends, people that I care about and know will be in my life forever.

Another thing I learned about myself is that in order to maintain your integrity and character it has to be something you work at everyday and not just something you talk about. It's easy to maintain your integrity when you're surrounded by people and there are cameras on you, but when you're by yourself or there isn't anyone around, that's when it gets hard. That's when it's most important, it's in those moments that what you do is important.

I've learned that when I smile it means more than any other expression I could ever make.

I learned that I deserve more.

That the grass isn't greener on the other side, instead it's greener where you water it.

I learned that the best way to eat an Elephant is one bite at a time.

I learned that even your friends let you down, but that doesn't mean that they're not amazing friends.

I realized, with a lot of help, that of course the world will be a better place in 25 years because I've met so many of the people that will change it.

I learned that life happens and even when you're not paying attention the world around you is moving at an unbelievable pace.

I learned how to love and be loved in return.

What a semester.

"At the end of the day my love will flow, whether it flows out to others or is kept inward for myself is my choice. Where does your love flow?"

I'm all about poetry, the way it flows from a person's mouth and fills their brain when they're writing it. Yeah, I love poetry. But I'm also a big fan of just writing out your thoughts and opinions for the world to see.

I think it's almost easier to write poetry, because poetry can be perceived as either factual or possibly just a story that you're telling. Unless, you explain to someone the ins and outs of your writing they really can't tell what is going on in your head.

But when it comes to blogging and journaling, it's so open and you make yourself so vulnerable..well at least I feel as if I do. I just open up this browser and stare and this white blank page and ask myself, what am I comfortable sharing? What is ok to share? Who even reads this?

I think that it's so difficult to know the line between opening your heart to clear your head and just disclosing information that no one else really cares about, it's quite interesting to think about.

Ugghh it's been so long since I've really blogged that I feel as if my mojo has faded a little bit. I remember my teacher in college telling me that the best way to be a great writer is to not only read every single day but to write every day as well. The reading thing I have down but the writing thing I definitely need to improve on.

So here's my challenge to myself, I am going to write every single day, whether that means just writing in my journal or posting an update on here, I will write every day. Challenge accepted.

Linkssss

I'll need these later, you might need them now.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/21-incredibly-important-diagrams-to-help-you-get-through-life

http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/ingenious-things-youll-want-as-a-new-parent

Your beautiful mind

A dream of mine-

I want to perform one of my poems....in front of a room full of people. A room filled to the brim with my peers.

I want to write words that will chase them and trace the outlines of their ears before it fills them.

I want to plant a seed

That grows into the biggest sunflower

a flower that shines so bright that it's named after the brightest light in the universe.

I want to whisper logic

Words that are so highly valued that the room grows eerily silent as all ears ache for my words.

I want the words that took an hour to write and days to perfect, to fall out of my mouth in minutes

Into the laps of onlookers

Hoping that their expectant glances won't soon turn into disappointed frowns

A dream of mine

would be to shake a few powerful hands with the fingerprints of my ideas.

To hand them a problem and beg them to find it's solution.

To mix my passions with theirs and guide them to brighter concepts

A poem that's more than just words on a page

Or ideas of a lost, hopeless romantic soul

But instead the thoughts of a person overwhelmed with passion

Caught in a naive bubble of a sugar filled earth

Yes

A dream of mine would be to share myself with that room

Ask them to cup their hands around their ears to make sure no words slip by

I'd cry before I went on stage knowing that this was it

A dream come true

A moment where the future was meeting the present and I was caught in the whirlwind

I'd tell them to close their eyes at the end

So we all felt it together

The love and loss of a dream fulfilled

My work.

Their ears.

The end

Oh, people.

"But what are you going to do after Up With People?"

The question I always seem to get, from family members, host families, friends from home....what after? 

I find it hard to answer that question sometimes, but then something happens and I'm reminded of what I burn for. What really sends me over the brim with passion. 

I love people. I think it's safe to say that I am uncontrollably and truly passionate about people. Helping people, caring for people, loving people....I was put on this earth to be there for people. But in that passion come the confusion of how exactly I can use my love for people to fuel and guide the rest of my life. 

So clearly God embedded this deep love for people in my life for a reason, so what is that reason? Yeah, I'm working on figuring that part out. The best part is, is that I don't feel lost, not at all...instead I feel as if I'm at the beginning of a road that's leading me to something really incredible. 

It's really hard to describe how I feel about my future right now, fulfilled, secure, loved...those words are just the tip of the iceberg to the emotions and thoughts that are surging through me. And it's the weirdest feeling because I have literally no idea what I'm going to do in the future or how it's all going to work out, but for some reason, one big reason, faith....I just know that it all will and I'm not worried at all. 

People say that life happens when you're busy making plans, I guess I'm lucky that I haven't gotten that far yet. 

Mason...

I want to say beautiful things

I want to hold his hand and tell him that he's going to change the world

I want to wipe his tears and tell him that all his fears are strong but he's stronger

I want to hug him when he frowns

And take pictures and frame them when he smiles

I want to be his best friends

And his biggest support system

I want to be the first woman he loves

And the one who's opinion means a lot to him

I want to flood him with compliments that build his self esteem and not his ego

I want to shower him with gifts that he's earned as well as deserves

my future son

I want to raise him to be the kind of man my father is

Humble, strong,courageous...

I want to push him to greatness

But let him know that if he ever fails at something I'll be there too

I want to raise him to respect woman and others but most importantly himself

I want to raise a son like my little brother

Adventurous, curious, outgoing

A soldier and a consoler

a shining light

A want to raise a son that people admire

One that inspires thousands

I want him to love God

and have unfaltering faith

as well as a mind and personality of his own

A brave boy, that fights for what he believes in

A man worth looking up to

my son.

America- The country it used to be.

An answer to the question, "What makes America the greatest country in the world?"

After saying repeatedly that America isn't the greatest country in the world and going on a rant, the speaker finished with this powerful monologue. About why America used to be the greatest country in the world.

"We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right! We fought for moral reasons, we passed and struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged war on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, and we acted like men. We aspired to intelligence; we didn't belittle it; it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn't scare so easily. And we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. The first step to solving any problem, is recognizing that there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore."

From the HBO show The Newsroom.

If I could, I'd live in a song.

I'd sleep in it's melody

and spend my days in it's chords

I'd rewrite it's verses and laugh when the bridge no longer made sense

I'd treat it like a pair of shoes and wear it in

Singing it over and over again until it fit just right

Then I'd perform it

And let myself flood through speakers and into the ears of audience members

I'd pick an artist and decide to let them trademark me

If I could, I'd live in a song

And damn it I'd be a hit

But only to a certain crowd

The ones who see beyond the words and feel the soul

If I were a song

I'd be the kind that just hits people

The kind that grabs the gasp from the back of their throats and pulls it out

I'd the kind that evoked the kind of tears

that one had to choke back

If I could, I'd be a song

Played over and over in minds of those it's meant for.

More than words

I would like to read a wonderful poem

written by a wonderful person

on of a course a wonderful and breathtakingly beautiful day

But I wouldn't like to write something like that

Instead I would like to write myself into a poem

Fill it to the edges with passion and tears

And when I think it's finished, layer it over with adventure and fear

Then after it's been read through twice and backwards

I'll cover the corners with tape laced in stability

Then breathe the life of faith into it's pages

And run my fingers covered in naive ink over it's words

I'd let my friends hold it, leaving their essence in the empty places

And then I'd fold it crooked and leave a kiss on it's bends

Drop it on the ground

trip over it 0f course

Then put it in a bottle and set it off to sea

But not before I whisper inside a little things about me.

So that the person who finds it

Is flooded with the things of I

And when they read my words are lost in what I can be

They'll be immersed with one touch in the parts that make me

And I and them

Never having met

Will share the moment that makes us

Even for just a moment

us.

In the face of adventure, I lower my brow and say "I'm not ready."

Preparation nods me in the back and says "yes your are."

My sentiments exactly

Read this and it pertained to me so well that I had to repost it. 

"And so it is that I’ve come to the conclusion that no one can complete you, and nor should anyone have to. Maybe we’re not meant to be complete, or maybe we already are. What do I know? Maybe completeness just stunts us from growing. Or if there is such a thing as completeness, then we should be able to use all sorts of different things to plug the holes inside us, and maybe we can learn to complete ourselves. What I’m saying is that for the first time, I want to fill in the Kat holes with Kat stuff, because when I think of someone else’s stuff in all my internal nooks and crannies, it starts to feel kind of invasive.

That’s not to say that I don’t want to love and be loved; just to say that it’s no longer a question of “You complete me.” What I need now, which is so different to what I needed ten, five, or even three years ago, is not filling, but a use for my fullness. I want someone that will push against the wall inside me where I’ve spent all my time repairing the spidery cracks spreading across the surface. And when the destructive veins behind to reemerge, I want someone who will stand beneath me, holding the ladder I’m climbing to reach the blemishes, handing me the tools I need to smooth out the puckering in the paint as I go.

I don’t want anyone to complete me anymore, regardless of whether I feel complete or not. All I want is to be a girl standing in front of a boy, eyes full of tears, professing my love, and with ultimate resolve say, “You extend me.”

Dynamic?

I have to write this before I forget.

Today a teacher told me that I was dynamic. He said that the minute I walked into the room he saw a light around me and that I had an aura that radiated thirty feet. He said that he just wanted me to know that I was dynamic and that I had a light that shined.

I get compliments a lot. I don't mean that in a conceited or arrogant way but if I'm being honest with myself people compliment me often. Whether it's about the show that I was a part of or my clothes or something like that I feel like I'm very accustomed to hearing them, but today I got the kind of compliment that feeds your soul.

So a few students and I were facilitating a classroom activity and it started off well and had times where it was a little rough. But in the end we got through it and we ended up having the most in depth question answer session that I've ever had in a classroom.

After the class was over I expected the teacher to just say bye to us and say thank you for coming but instead he laid that grand speech on me. At first I wanted to kind of not take it to heart but then I realized how sincere he was being and it really hit my heart.

When he started to cry I had this moment of divinity and it was the first time in my life that I felt like I was received and perceived as a true vessel for the Lord.

I feel so empowered and excited for what the Lord has in store for me. That's all folks!

Award Season

"After you it stops," he said

With a coffee in his hand and a grin on his lips

Your the last one for me

The last lips that will ever touch mine

"After you it stops."

But instead it didn't and somehow we did

And the promise turned into sentences that reminded me of the pain

And the looks that felt like heaven now burn like acid rain

"Because of you, I'll straighten up," he said.

As he walked in....late again.

"You'll make a man out of me."

But instead nothing was made

And the picture stayed the same

 and the only thing that changed was the frame

I think I may be to blame

I'm a reflection of the mistakes I've made and the ones I choose

And you're the example of all that went wrong

When I thought I found a good one.

Maybe..
Possibly...
Do you think?

That in the end you realize that it was all just a test

And the lies were lines of a script to an Oscar winning play...

And your tragic ending was the plot that won.

Maybe congratulations are in order instead of a slew of "I'm sorry."

Keep your sympathy at bay and instead hand me a band aid

And a pat on the back

"I hope this never ends," He said.

I replied, "it probably will."

One of us was right

I agree with Gaga....

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you any more.” ― Lady Gaga

For once I agree with Gaga, but not in a cynical all men are the same way. More of a, love yourself first, kind of way. 

I think that society attaches a very large stigma to women who are more focused on their careers compared to settling down and getting married. I think that if you have a goal, a dream, that you should chase it and nothing should be able to stand between you and your dream. 

If you want to get married, that's awesome go for it. If you don't right now and you want to wait until you've reached a certain level of success, than I think that's awesome as well. 

I disagree with Gaga in the way that I believe that when you find the right person you don't have to worry about them leaving and saying that they don't love you any more  The right person, the one that was made for you, will be there through thick and thin and will support you as you chase your dreams. 

Do what you love and love who you do it with and until you can have both at the same time don't settle for less. Life is too short to be anything but blissfully happy,of course there are times of sadness but at the core of things you should just be happy. 

Follow your dreams and when you meet the person you're meant to be with, don't follow them but instead walk next to them and enjoy the journey together. 

If I don't do it, who will?

"If you hear this message, wherever you stand. Calling every woman, calling every man. We're the generation, can't afford to wait, the future started yesterday, we're already late."

I think that most Americans are given a lot of information about something that is going on in the world at one point in their life. What I mean by that sentence filled with confusion and that alludes a lot, I think that the average person at one point in their life is given a presentation about an epidemic or issue going on in the world that they have the power to help or change in some way.

In my own life, I've done research and heard presentations on Abortion, human trafficking, sexual abuse and so many other things. But besides doing papers and speeches on Abortion in college I can't say that I've grabbed on to one cause and really fought for it in my life.

There are people that hear about something wrong that is going on in the world and it immediately fuels them to join the fight. They become activists and they put so much of their energy into ending injustice and others issues that are going on in the world.

I respect those kind of people so much.

Today I heard a speech about Human trafficking and I couldn't help but think over and over again that why hasn't anyone done anything. Why are things like this still going on? Why is it that so many people are aware that things like this are going on but yet they stand back and do nothing?

I'm not even angry when I think about it, it's more about being genuinely concerned. I'm concerned about why some people in the male population think that women don't have value. They not only don't have value, but they don't have value to the point where they're being treated as objects. They're being treated like animals.

I was told today that women caught up in human trafficking are called stable girls. Which just made me so sad. You put animals in a stable, not people.

I just find that I feel a very strong sense of conviction. I need to find a cause that I hit the ground running for. There are just too many bad things going on in the world and I, goodness, we as a world should find what speaks to our hearts and fight for that issue.

When I was a student in Up With People we had a song called, One person, and it's moments like this that that song floods my brain. It really takes one person to take an idea and flourish it and make it into a movement that changes the lives of millions.

I want to be the change. The world needs us to be the change. The future is starting now and we're already late.

Literature - As told by Tumblr

“Literature duplicates the experience of living in a way that nothing else can, drawing you so fully into another life that you temporarily forget you have one of your own. That is why you read it, and might even sit up in bed till early dawn, throwing your whole tomorrow out of whack, simply to find out what happens to some people who, you know perfectly well, are made up.”

Barbara Kingsolver

Riddle me this...

And when you look in between the lines you'll fine the cracks were just a part of me

And that every little blemish affects who I want to be

And that all that's left is all that there will ever be and all that's here is all I'm capable of being

You'll find that my face is a canvas and his words were the brush

And these expressions that are left are the masterpieces he painted with his heart shut and his eyes diverted

Like a popsicle sitting in the sun....melting.

You'll find that though I'm sweet the goodness can fade when left unattended

So I'll tend to myself and put the frozen delight in the freezer

So that the person it's meant for can enjoy its goodness and not it's aftermath

I really, really like you

Soo I'll pretend to be someone I'm not so that I can be sad when you don't like the fake me compared to crushed when you leave the real me

Crumbs fall under the table and the cats go wild

For the taste of dinner as it falls from the napkins that wipe the mouths of the undeserving

It's a riddle and the answer is so commonplace that it's always overlooked

Love yourself first and the rest will follow.

I said I was going to write....

And I said....I'm going to write a love song.
But instead I wrote a poem and I cried until it made sense and welled up in my stomach.

I said, today, I'm going to be a vessel
 open and filled with all these secrets
 and instead I was a smile and stored away feelings.

I'm a popcorn kernel, unpopped.

A box of cereal unopened

A strawberry in an empty field....

rain is soothing but tears are abusing

I will never be too good
 but I am good enough and not saying words, leaves feelings and hearts broken.

I find sanctuary in difficulty and I fear the unfamiliarity of this kind of happiness.

I said I was going to write a love song and then I didn't

I knew if I started I just wouldn't finish...and like everything else on this topic, it'd be something that bothered me and left me unfocused.

Fuck you and your games I say to my fickle heart

And I smash it between my own hands instead of letting it get crushed between the hands of another

Tic, tac toe.and I win you lose.......except really we both lose and no one wins

I'll hold my own hand and take care of myself, because that's what people like me do

Sticks and stones don't break my bones and from the looks of things words don't hurt me

I hate you....more than I've ever hated anything in this whole world

But in my mind it's opposite day and hate means every word I should have said but never did

I said I was going to write a love song
 but instead I wrote an obituary

Tumblr Special

I'm jealous of the moon
because she knows all of your 5am secrets

and your sheets who get to touch
every part of you as you fall asleep
while I keep a close eye on this empty pillow
waiting for your weight to keep it warm

but the sun
is the luckiest of all.
when you're half asleep, groggy
and painfully unaware of how
beautiful you look
he kisses your lips with light

-Unknown

Madness

He admired my
melancholy madness
and said it was
graceful
and beautiful.

But it was neither
of those things

I was a hurricane
at the centre
 of a

collapsing,

burning

building;

and I wasn't someone
to be admired at all.

(as seen on Tumblr.)

To my future him...

There will be fireworks and if there's not I'll create them. You should fill me. Fill me to the brim with the light that floods your pores. I'm wide awake, with my heart unzipped and my brain on pause. Who are you? What am I? This is real and in your eyes I die. The part of me that was burned and scarred has become the part of me that's healed and smooth.

I'll breathe you in and make you into everything you're supposed to be. You're the grass and the root of the oldest trees in the whole entire world. At times I think you're infinite and if life allows it, I hope we're laid to rest at the same time so we don't have to live without it.

We're the frame to a painting that has been done since the dawn of time. How neat is it that this has been in the works for centuries? I'll apologize and grow with you and wait until your done talking before I interject and that's a lie because I interrupt to try and connect. We'll mold together like two balls of clay on a potters wheel.

It's like the sun, except when I stare directly at it, instead of it burning me, it consumes me and sucks me into the heat of it's perfection. I'll quote for you the lines that make me weap saying "if people are rain, then I'm drizzle and you're a hurricane," And you say that's impossible because if you're a hurricane than you and I are the same.

I'm one soul, inside this vessel, being invited to this.....this sweet divinity that claims us and calls us to live for something more than ourselves. This is it. The rise without the expected fall. You're it. The one who calls my name and even if I'm not within ear shot my heart answers. Could this be it? Hello.