DA

"They say, give it time,give it time and it will fall in line. But I keep wondering how, and when, and why I haven't met you. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. Is he the one, is it today. Will I turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face. Maybe I've known you all my life. Is he the one is it today? Will I turn the corner see my future in a beautiful face...maybe.

He's anything but typical, a sweet surprise. No matter what, he's looking on the bright side. It's gonna be worth it, cause that's what love is. I'll keep searching till I find my kind of perfect. And I know, I know, he's gotta be out there."

20

I know I'm too old to cry about these kind of things, but I miss my family.

The reason

If you actually sit and listen to the lyrics of the song The Reason by Hoobastank, it's really a beautiful song. I've always liked the song, but now that I'm actually analyzing it and looking at it from another perspective, I'm falling in love with it. Wow, the chorus of this song is the definition of how I want to feel when I finally meet the right person.

Hoobastank, you're fantastic.

Ahava

"Love is about living for someone else, it's about forgetting yourself and thinking about the other person first."

Devin my stinky face

So I've done this every year since I started school, and this year will be no exception. Tomorrow is my nephews 7th birthday and I can't believe he grew up so fast. I seriously remember the day he was born like it was yesterday.

I remember the first time I ever saw his beautiful little face through the glass while he was in the hospital. I remember when I used to baby sit him all the time when he was a baby and my sister would have to work. I remember when he couldn't tie his shoes and I had to stuff his huge adorable feet into his shoes.

I remember when he first started talking and when he started walking around the house. I remember when we taught him how to go down the stairs so that he wouldn't fall and hurt himself. I remember when he used to give me kisses every single day when he came home from the baby sitter, and when I had to pick him up all the time because his little legs couldn't keep up with mine.

I remember the first time his innocent little mouth produced an awful word and we had to pop him. I remember the time he learned how to ride a bike and he thought he was the coolest thing since the Jackson 5.

Holy Moly his birthday is literally in 22 minutes and I'm excited, sad and filled with disbelief all at the same time. I really wish I could be with him, and that I could wake him up and sing happy birthday to him.

I just love him so so so so much. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEVIN!!!!

Higher

"when dreaming I'm guided to another world, time and time again. At sunrise I fight to stay asleep, cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place. Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape from the life I live when I'm awake. So lets go there, lets make our escape, come on lets go there, lets ask, can we stay?..Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see. Can you take me higher? To a place with golden streets."

And the verdict is

I decided that I wasn't going to counseling, I don't think I need someone to tell me how to live my life, especially not a stranger. I think I'll just read my bible and turn to my family if I really need advice.

New outlook

So lately I've been getting epiphany after epiphany after epiphany pretty much and I'm feeling like finally I'm really on the right track with life.

One thing that God has really been dealing with me about, is the topic of men and the relationships I allow myself to get involved in. I've always talked about how I want a guy to treat me differently for once, but in order to get something you've never had before you have to start doing things you've never done before.

God is showing me that I want all these new things, yet I'm still doing the old things and that's why I'm getting the same results. How can I expect any guy to treat me with respect and care when I don't even respect and care for myself, I'm finally realizing all of these things.

I can only get so skinny, I can only be so beautiful, I can only dress so sexy but what does it matter. Guys tell me I have a nice body all the time, I hear I'm pretty from guys to the point where it's annoying, and I don't even want to talk about guys calling me sexy, but in the end it doesn't change the way I feel about myself.

So here's what I'm proposing to myself, the idea that I trying to devise a plan for and execute it successfully. I want to love myself more, and really learn to appreciate this body that takes care of me so well, this body that helps to get me through all the dance classes and strenuous weeks.

I'm going to learn to rely on God more, to let him be the number one guy in my life again. I'm realizing now that this is not a over night process, I didn't become a new person over night and I can't change back to the person I want to be over night.

So now I'm slowly evaluating the things about myself that I really dislike and I'm taking the time to break them down and sift them out instead of pretending they don't exist like I used to do.

Ughhh this new life is good so far, but I can already see that it's going to be harder than I realize, and that scares me. I can't wait to put all of my trust and care in God because he's the only one that can help me.

Preview

Lord I'm available to you, my will I give to you, I'll do what you say do. Use me Lord, to show someone the way, and enable me to say, my storage is empty, and I am available to you.

Riding in cars with boys

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us."

.....

"You're beautiful just the way you are. Look in the mirror...see that beautiful girl you're looking at? That's you."

Decisions

I'm at a crossroads. I'm deciding if I want to be successful and have the job I've always wanted, be a Christian and live for God, and also pursue the career in theater that I know I'm destined to have.

Then comes the fear of being GREAT, the fear of actually achieving these goals. Who am I to not be successful, who am I to try and make myself shine less so that I can slip through this world unnoticed.

It's so hard because I know that a lot of the decisions I make can really hinder me from achieving my goals. I also know that a lot of the stupid decisions that I randomly decide to make are starting to add up, and I feel like sooner or later they're going to catch up with me.

I can only run so fast, I've become so accustomed to just trying to change over night, I don't know what it's like for change to be a process. Why can't I just be the person I want to be already, why can't I just change. I'm running so fast it seems, I feel like my legs are moving and moving and I'm not going anywhere.

I'm running faster than I've ever run before and nothing is changing, I'm trying so hard to change, but are my efforts really worth while? I keep crying the same tears, but yet these tears are bringing any kind of difference. How hard could I possibly be trying if I keep making the same mistakes, and when I say same mistakes I mean the exact same mistakes.

I wonder sometimes how God could still love me, how he could still look at me and call me his daughter. I feel so blessed to know that his love is never changing, that no matter what he'll always love me the same, no matter what I do. If I were him I would of given up on me after broken promise number 400.

I'm shaking right now and I don't know why, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by myself. I'm frustrated by my decisions, the decisions that are starting to shape my character, after a certain point in your life I feel like you wake up and you realize that you're the person that you never wanted to be. I don't think I'm at that point yet, but I'm definitely close to it.

I love you God, and I hope you know that I really want to be better for you, I hope you know that my heart yearns to make you happy. I hope you know that I really don't want to keep behaving this way, I hope you know that i love you more than anything, and I hope you still love me. I hope you know that I'm sorry for all my broken promises, and that I'm sorry that I always second guess what you told me, I'm sorry that I'm a broken vessel in need of your constant care. I'm sorry that every time you fix me, I just put myself in a situation that puts a new crack in the exact same spot.

I don't know what I would do if I weren't a Christian, God I'd be so lost without you, please help me to get back on the right track, I need you. I love you. I just want to make you proud, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my family proud, and I want to be the kind of person that's a role model.

I don't want to be one of those people that just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm so sorry Lord. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that it took me this long to realize that i was wrong, and for me to apologize, and it's funny because I know that I don't even have to apologize for you to forgive me. You're just that great of a God. You took my sins and all the sins that you knew I would commit and you put them on the cross with you when you died and I'm free, I'm clean and I'm a new person. I just have to realize that and believe it and say it to myself every day, I'm a new person and God loves me so much that he's made me clean.

Thank you so much God for just being you. I love you. I love you more than words can express, and more than a song can sing. I love you.

Maybe..

Do I need counseling? I really don't know, but we shall see, Friday morning at 11.

This heart

My heart is lost
Sometimes I try to find it but my efforts always fail
My heart is a child
Left alone in an amusement part searching for their parents
My heart is black
It's an empty abyss

I wish I could fully describe my heart
I wish I could talk about it's features
Explain the contours and facets but my memory fails me
My heart was youthful
But I imagine that my heart is old now

I don't remember when I had my heart last
It was large and it was bright and it would beat loud
It was full and it was cheerful and it was once cherished
My heart was warm with the love I once knew
So warm that I can sometimes still feel it's warmth

My heart is lost
It's alone somewhere in this dark world
In the arms of one whom was found to be unworthy
It's probably battered
It wouldn't surprise me if it were also scarred

My heart is a glass half empty
I thought he'd be the one to fill me up
My heart is a weed waiting to be pulled
My heart was the sun but now it's the moon
Destined to always be the lesser version of what it used to be
My heart is a womb left barren
My heart is empty
It's a shame, my heart is left empty and lost
I hope he enjoyed my heart.

Love song for no one

It's not your scent, cause I've never met you.
It's not your warm embrace, because I've never felt you.
It's not your smile, because I've never seen it.
It's not your laugh, because I've never heard it.
It's not your tears,because you've never shed them.
It's not your hugs, I've never felt them.
There's six billion people in the world and I'm still waiting patiently to meet you.

Rest...

Every day I look forward to the moment where I can lay my head down on my pillow and go to sleep.

That point in my day where I can just rest. When i'm sleeping I don't have to worry about anything, all I have to do is just lay there....just close my eyes and lay there. It's so easy..so effortless.

I like to think that everyone in the entire universe looks forward to that point in their day, when they can kick their feet up, rest their backs and just go to sleep.

When I'm sleeping I'm not crying. When I'm sleeping I'm not worrying about my classes and how I'm going to get good grades. When I'm sleeping I'm not worrying about all of my friends and how I'm going to be able to give all of them equal time. When I'm sleeping I'm not bothered by the guys in my life that feel the need to make my life more stressful instead of more enjoyable.

When I'm sleeping I'm finally able to give my mind a rest...it seems like no matter what lately when I'm awake, my mind just can't seem to get a break. I think that's really unfortunate.

Bob Marley

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect-You aren't either and the two of you may never be perfect together...but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's gone."

"Don't worry be happy guy" may have been on to something here.