Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Beasts..
I get to spend the whole day with my favorite little monsters tomorrow. I'm so excited, I haven't seen them in forever and I love those little guys to pieces. I'm going to make them take a gazillion pictures with me, so you'll be seeing their shining faces soon. ♥
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Dreams...
"If I can see it..than I can do it..if I just believe it..there's nothing too it."
If you can imagine it, than you can become it. Never be afraid to follow your dreams, you only live once. Honestly what's the worst that can happen, you could fail. But if you never try then you are failing regardless. Life is for living and not just for getting by.
So go live...make yourself proud..and make everyone else wish that they had believed in you. ♥
Over and Out. Nik
If you can imagine it, than you can become it. Never be afraid to follow your dreams, you only live once. Honestly what's the worst that can happen, you could fail. But if you never try then you are failing regardless. Life is for living and not just for getting by.
So go live...make yourself proud..and make everyone else wish that they had believed in you. ♥
Over and Out. Nik
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Body Art...
I've made up my mind that I'm going to get a tattoo this summer. When it comes to tattoos I always told myself that once I get an idea of what I want, I'll sit on it for at least a year, and after that if I still want it, then i'll get it.
Well this tattoo that I've wanted, is really not just an ordinary tattoo. It will probably end up being the most precious one that I have, because it's in memory of my nephew Damien Maurice that passed away.
My nephew was born 5 months early, so when my sister delivered him, he was dead. He was so tiny he could almost fit in your hand and his skin was close to being transparent. When Damien passed away I cried for months, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.
It was so hard to get over, I love all of my nephews so much and to know that one of them came so close to being in this world, it would just tear me apart. Ever since that day I've wanted the initials DF on my right foot, though they stand for Damien Fowler, they are also the initials of my nephews Devin and Dominic. So in a way it's a tribute to all of my sisters kids that I love so very dearly.
That's just one of the tattoos that I hope to get in the future, but it will definitely be one of the ones that means the most.
R.I.P. Damien Maurice Fowler. Out of sight but not out of mind.
Over and Out. Nik
Well this tattoo that I've wanted, is really not just an ordinary tattoo. It will probably end up being the most precious one that I have, because it's in memory of my nephew Damien Maurice that passed away.
My nephew was born 5 months early, so when my sister delivered him, he was dead. He was so tiny he could almost fit in your hand and his skin was close to being transparent. When Damien passed away I cried for months, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through.
It was so hard to get over, I love all of my nephews so much and to know that one of them came so close to being in this world, it would just tear me apart. Ever since that day I've wanted the initials DF on my right foot, though they stand for Damien Fowler, they are also the initials of my nephews Devin and Dominic. So in a way it's a tribute to all of my sisters kids that I love so very dearly.
That's just one of the tattoos that I hope to get in the future, but it will definitely be one of the ones that means the most.
R.I.P. Damien Maurice Fowler. Out of sight but not out of mind.
Over and Out. Nik
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Today
From today forth I'm going to make better choices, not because I'm suddenly smarter but because God is on my side, and with him in my corner I can do anything.
Friday, May 21, 2010
New York
Me and my Best friend in the entire world, Leah Blackstone, are planning a trip to New York City for the day. I'm so excited I could pee my pants right now. The Dynamic Duo in the big Apple, with no parental supervision. Seems like a recipe for success and adventure.
I'm so pumped, I love her so much, we're gonna have the best time. All of the trips I'm going on this summer is with Leah, and her family, it's so exciting. She's one of the must understanding people I've ever met, and she's maybe the one person in the world, who has known me long enough, to know pretty much the ins and outs of me.
She's just fabulous. I'm borderline obsessed with her, but it's OK cause she's my best friend!!
Over and Out. Nik
I'm so pumped, I love her so much, we're gonna have the best time. All of the trips I'm going on this summer is with Leah, and her family, it's so exciting. She's one of the must understanding people I've ever met, and she's maybe the one person in the world, who has known me long enough, to know pretty much the ins and outs of me.
She's just fabulous. I'm borderline obsessed with her, but it's OK cause she's my best friend!!
Over and Out. Nik
Things I'm working on
I'm working on not being so emotional. When I'm at school I'm so levelheaded and I think clearly because I don't allow my emotions to get in the way of my thinking. I do that because I know that I can't be emotional at school because too many people rely on me.
Now when I'm home, that's a different story.At home I now that there are so many people around for me to rely on, that I'm overly emotional. I don't cry as much as I used to but I still allow myself to get upset about little things because I know I'll get my way.
I know that if I start to cry or start throwing a fit about not having something I want, that everyone might tell me to stop, but they'll still give me what I want. I'm 20 years old and I'm still throwing tantrums, pretty much, because I know that my family loves me so much, that they would do anything for me, and that needs to stop.
I'm trying my hardest to really get my life in order, so that in two years when I'm living in New York City, four hours away from my family it won't be too bad of a culture shock. I need to be more independent, less emotional and more mature. I have two years to grow up and get my life 100% in order.
See when it comes to my future and the things I want to do as far as a career is concerned, I'm focused and completely motivated. But when it comes to becoming independent, I'm fighting against myself, because half of me wants to grow up, and the other half doesn't. A part of me loves it when my parents come and pick me up and college, and I love crawling into their bed and taking naps while they're at work.
A large part of me is just scared to grow up, scared to not see my parents everyday, because I just love them so much. But I know that I can't be a kid forever, and the only way for me to achieve all of my goals and actually survive in NYC, is for me to stop acting like a child, and grow up.
Over and Out. Nik
Now when I'm home, that's a different story.At home I now that there are so many people around for me to rely on, that I'm overly emotional. I don't cry as much as I used to but I still allow myself to get upset about little things because I know I'll get my way.
I know that if I start to cry or start throwing a fit about not having something I want, that everyone might tell me to stop, but they'll still give me what I want. I'm 20 years old and I'm still throwing tantrums, pretty much, because I know that my family loves me so much, that they would do anything for me, and that needs to stop.
I'm trying my hardest to really get my life in order, so that in two years when I'm living in New York City, four hours away from my family it won't be too bad of a culture shock. I need to be more independent, less emotional and more mature. I have two years to grow up and get my life 100% in order.
See when it comes to my future and the things I want to do as far as a career is concerned, I'm focused and completely motivated. But when it comes to becoming independent, I'm fighting against myself, because half of me wants to grow up, and the other half doesn't. A part of me loves it when my parents come and pick me up and college, and I love crawling into their bed and taking naps while they're at work.
A large part of me is just scared to grow up, scared to not see my parents everyday, because I just love them so much. But I know that I can't be a kid forever, and the only way for me to achieve all of my goals and actually survive in NYC, is for me to stop acting like a child, and grow up.
Over and Out. Nik
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Greys..
I just pretty much almost had a conniption over Greys Anatomy tonight. So the fact that I'm still able to write at all, is a blessing. xoxox
The scariest thought
The thing that scares me the most about life. Is how short it is.
I don't think people realize that life goes by faster than we all would like it too. We grow up too fast, we get through school too fast, and we don't cherish the moments that matter in life.
Don't waste your times and friendships fighting over things that don't matter. Life is about living, as simple as that sounds, it's the truth. We're supposed to live our lives to the fullest and embrace and appreciate everything that God gives us.
We may not want to accept this but, one day we're all going to die. Look around at the people in your life, one day they'll all be dead. You don't want to die, or have someone you love die, without knowing how much you care about them.
So love freely and laugh always. Life is too short for you to be scared or worried about what people think of you. Throw caution to the wind, and do everything that you ever dreamed of doing. Become whoever you always dreamed of becoming.
If you want to change your style do it! If you want to lose weight, go for a run. If you want to ask someone out on a date, what are waiting for, go call them. Life is to short for apprehension or fear, go live your life, because you best believe, that I'm not letting anything hold me back from living mine. God Bless.
Over and Out. Nik.
I don't think people realize that life goes by faster than we all would like it too. We grow up too fast, we get through school too fast, and we don't cherish the moments that matter in life.
Don't waste your times and friendships fighting over things that don't matter. Life is about living, as simple as that sounds, it's the truth. We're supposed to live our lives to the fullest and embrace and appreciate everything that God gives us.
We may not want to accept this but, one day we're all going to die. Look around at the people in your life, one day they'll all be dead. You don't want to die, or have someone you love die, without knowing how much you care about them.
So love freely and laugh always. Life is too short for you to be scared or worried about what people think of you. Throw caution to the wind, and do everything that you ever dreamed of doing. Become whoever you always dreamed of becoming.
If you want to change your style do it! If you want to lose weight, go for a run. If you want to ask someone out on a date, what are waiting for, go call them. Life is to short for apprehension or fear, go live your life, because you best believe, that I'm not letting anything hold me back from living mine. God Bless.
Over and Out. Nik.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My Kryptonite
Since I'm human, like everyone else that reads this blog, I must admit a very large weakness that i have. Now this weakness will hopefully never lead to my downfall, due to my new found habit of keeping a book handy. But this weakness has led to my drooling on new shirts, and running into walls due to welcomed distractions.
My weakness is well dressed men.
Ok, now try to compose yourself and focus. There is absolutely nothing sexier than a well dressed man, and a man that is on fire for God. The kind of man that takes pride in his appearance, and wears what he wants and looks good doing it.
I'm 100% smitten and lost in a sea of love for men that can pull of pieces that other men can't. A well dressed man....can't get much better than that. I can't wait to have my own one day.
Over and Out. Nik
My weakness is well dressed men.
Ok, now try to compose yourself and focus. There is absolutely nothing sexier than a well dressed man, and a man that is on fire for God. The kind of man that takes pride in his appearance, and wears what he wants and looks good doing it.
I'm 100% smitten and lost in a sea of love for men that can pull of pieces that other men can't. A well dressed man....can't get much better than that. I can't wait to have my own one day.
Over and Out. Nik
Let me at em....
So, there's something that has been irking my nerves for, I don't even know how long. There's this new, I don't know, line that men and women have been using that gives them the leeway to date all different types of people at the same time. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach, like honestly I want to throw up when I think about it.
Ok enough with the suspense that disgusting sentence is as follows "Well we weren't exclusive or anything." What is that "exclusive," like really, if your dating someone, than your dating someone. If you hook up with a girl than it isn't wrong for a girl to assume that you guys might end up being a couple.
Honestly sometimes people make me sick, girls and boys make so many excuses for each other. They make so many loopholes that guys and girls can do whatever they want to each other but it doesn't matter because they weren't "official," or "exclusive" yet.
If you kiss me, than guess what, until we decide that we don't like each other anymore than we're exclusive. How do you expect a relationship to even begin to work if you don't give it all of your time, and by all of your time I mean focus your attention on that one person instead of all the other people in the world you can date.
Don't tell me all these really cute things, and then turn around and say the same things to a whole bunch of other people. That's just gross. I'm slightly really disturbed by dating, if your not willing to give me your undivided attention before we start dating....then pshhh don't waste my time.
Over and Out. Nik
Ok enough with the suspense that disgusting sentence is as follows "Well we weren't exclusive or anything." What is that "exclusive," like really, if your dating someone, than your dating someone. If you hook up with a girl than it isn't wrong for a girl to assume that you guys might end up being a couple.
Honestly sometimes people make me sick, girls and boys make so many excuses for each other. They make so many loopholes that guys and girls can do whatever they want to each other but it doesn't matter because they weren't "official," or "exclusive" yet.
If you kiss me, than guess what, until we decide that we don't like each other anymore than we're exclusive. How do you expect a relationship to even begin to work if you don't give it all of your time, and by all of your time I mean focus your attention on that one person instead of all the other people in the world you can date.
Don't tell me all these really cute things, and then turn around and say the same things to a whole bunch of other people. That's just gross. I'm slightly really disturbed by dating, if your not willing to give me your undivided attention before we start dating....then pshhh don't waste my time.
Over and Out. Nik
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Fear factor
Isn't it interesting how fear can stop you from living your life. How something as small as an emotion, can make you miss out on some of the most beautiful things in life.
I remember the days where I let fear hold me back in life. When I used to always think about what if this happened, or what if they do this to me...etc. I never just lived my life, instead I lived in fear. In fear of what I heard or what I saw on TV, I was just always afraid.
But now I've decided not to let fear run my life. I actually decided that a while ago back in December. That was when I slept in my room with the closet doors open for the first time. That was literally one of my biggest fears. I was always afraid of what MIGHT be in the closet. I was 20 years old, and still afraid of the "monster" in the dark clothes filled closet. Well guess what, I slept with the closet door open and nothing happened. There were no monsters.
I used to be so afraid of love to the point where I would literally sabotage every relationship that I came across. Now I'm happy to say that though I'm not ready for a relationship I'm not running from them anymore. I used to be so afraid of someone having the power to hurt me. I always said that I would never let anyone hurt me, and that I would leave anyone before I let them leave me.
Now I'm opening myself up for the possibility to one day fall hard for someone. To fall so hard that I don't even care that they hold my precious scar-less heart in their hands. I won't say that the idea still doesn't scare me, but now the fear doesn't hold me back from the possibilities and the happiness that love could bring to my life.
I just used to be scared of so many things. Scared that people would call me fat, or ugly, or stupid, but now I don't care. I'm not scared of the dumb things that are really just holding me back from being happy. I'm going to live my life the way that i need to, like it or not, that is the Nicole that I need to be. If people don't like the way that I am, well than that's there problem not mine. I'm not afraid of anyone or anything but God. Ok that's all I have to say for the night. XOXOXO
Over and Out. Nik
I remember the days where I let fear hold me back in life. When I used to always think about what if this happened, or what if they do this to me...etc. I never just lived my life, instead I lived in fear. In fear of what I heard or what I saw on TV, I was just always afraid.
But now I've decided not to let fear run my life. I actually decided that a while ago back in December. That was when I slept in my room with the closet doors open for the first time. That was literally one of my biggest fears. I was always afraid of what MIGHT be in the closet. I was 20 years old, and still afraid of the "monster" in the dark clothes filled closet. Well guess what, I slept with the closet door open and nothing happened. There were no monsters.
I used to be so afraid of love to the point where I would literally sabotage every relationship that I came across. Now I'm happy to say that though I'm not ready for a relationship I'm not running from them anymore. I used to be so afraid of someone having the power to hurt me. I always said that I would never let anyone hurt me, and that I would leave anyone before I let them leave me.
Now I'm opening myself up for the possibility to one day fall hard for someone. To fall so hard that I don't even care that they hold my precious scar-less heart in their hands. I won't say that the idea still doesn't scare me, but now the fear doesn't hold me back from the possibilities and the happiness that love could bring to my life.
I just used to be scared of so many things. Scared that people would call me fat, or ugly, or stupid, but now I don't care. I'm not scared of the dumb things that are really just holding me back from being happy. I'm going to live my life the way that i need to, like it or not, that is the Nicole that I need to be. If people don't like the way that I am, well than that's there problem not mine. I'm not afraid of anyone or anything but God. Ok that's all I have to say for the night. XOXOXO
Over and Out. Nik
Monday, May 17, 2010
Running from boys
So I made a pact right, so this pact pretty much says that for the time being, I Nicole R. Magloire, will stay away from guys and focus on my relationship with God and the other more important things in my life. Now one would think that pact would be easy to uphold, right? WRONG!!
Ever since I sat down and really decided that this is what I wanted to do, I've faced nothing but hardships and it's only been a few days. Honestly, it's like all of a sudden all of these beautiful examples of men are flying out of the wood work and trying to tempt me to take a little detour from my pact.
Today for example, I met this absolutely gorgeous guy in a waiting room. Unfortunately for me the only empty seats left in the room were either to the left or right of him. Being the girl that I am, I took the seat to the right. Well once I sat down this gorgeous man started giving me the eye. What did I do you ask? I grabbed a book and buried my face in it.
What else was I supposed to do, if I looked up he would have captured me with his purple shirt tattoos and fitted jeans. Ughhhhhh I feel like more people should have warned me about how hard this would be.
Well I've pretty much made up my mind that no matter what I'm going to focus my life on God. So for the next few months if I'm left burying my head in books and literally running from guys than so be it. All that means is that I'll be ten times smarter from all the reading I'll be doing, and maybe a few pounds lighter from all my running. =]
Over and Out. Nik
Ever since I sat down and really decided that this is what I wanted to do, I've faced nothing but hardships and it's only been a few days. Honestly, it's like all of a sudden all of these beautiful examples of men are flying out of the wood work and trying to tempt me to take a little detour from my pact.
Today for example, I met this absolutely gorgeous guy in a waiting room. Unfortunately for me the only empty seats left in the room were either to the left or right of him. Being the girl that I am, I took the seat to the right. Well once I sat down this gorgeous man started giving me the eye. What did I do you ask? I grabbed a book and buried my face in it.
What else was I supposed to do, if I looked up he would have captured me with his purple shirt tattoos and fitted jeans. Ughhhhhh I feel like more people should have warned me about how hard this would be.
Well I've pretty much made up my mind that no matter what I'm going to focus my life on God. So for the next few months if I'm left burying my head in books and literally running from guys than so be it. All that means is that I'll be ten times smarter from all the reading I'll be doing, and maybe a few pounds lighter from all my running. =]
Over and Out. Nik
Sunday, May 16, 2010
My house
One day in my future house, I'm going to have a library. A library that has shelves upon shelves of books. These shelves will house mystery and fiction books, love stories and bibliographies. These shelves will be the home to my adventure guides, the things that I grab hold of to take me to another place.
These shelves won't be like the normal shelves you see in a regular library, no, these shelves will be built into the walls. I will have a ladder that goes around the entire room taking me from shelf,to shelf, to shelf. Kind of like the library that Bell was shown in beauty and the beast. Actually I wan't my library to be exactly like the one that Bell was shown.
My house, my library, my gateway to fun and adventure.
Over and Out. Nik.
These shelves won't be like the normal shelves you see in a regular library, no, these shelves will be built into the walls. I will have a ladder that goes around the entire room taking me from shelf,to shelf, to shelf. Kind of like the library that Bell was shown in beauty and the beast. Actually I wan't my library to be exactly like the one that Bell was shown.
My house, my library, my gateway to fun and adventure.
Over and Out. Nik.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
My face
Have you ever just sat and studied your face.Taken a few minutes to look at the first thing people see when they meet you. Have you ever taken time to look into your own eyes to see if what you see surprises you.
Today I was bored so I took a few pictures using my webcam. I then uploaded them on to facebook as I usually do. They were all pretty normal to me, at the same level as the majority of pictures that I take, but a few in particular caught my eye. These few pictures in question, were beautiful.
Now let me just slip in a little disclaimer, I have never in my entire life considered myself as beautiful. I've thought of myself as cute and pretty on a good day, but never beautiful or gorgeous until now.
I looked at the pictures and I was shocked by my face. When did I become beautiful? Not just that, but when did I become confident in my appearance. The person that was staring back at my in those pictures was not someone that I am accustomed to seeing. The picture had captured a person who believed she was beautiful and didn't need anyone else to confirm it for her.
I don't think that over night my face has changed or the contour of my face has suddenly become more attractive, but there's something different about my face. I made a decision today that I am seriously going to chase after God and make him number one in my life. I am going to stray away from men and dating and feeling like I need someone in my life in order to feel valuable.
I'm on my way to being happier than I have ever imagined. Already I can feel myself becoming more confident and cheerful because I now know that I have nothing to prove. I don't have to try and be prettier than my friends or the girls around me, all I have to do is be me. I'm special and priceless when I truly let the world see the real me, not the facade I put on to try and fit in.
Today I looked in the mirror and I studied my face, I looked into my own eyes and saw a person that is on a road to real fulfillment. The kind of fulfillment that doesn't last a day, but instead lasts a lifetime. I'm in love with the person that God is preparing me to be, and I'm in no rush to pursue a relationship with a guy anytime soon.
For now on I'm not settling for the cute guy that is a nice dresser but doesn't know the Lord. Or the really hot guy who says he's a Christian but isn't living the life. I'm going to focus on myself and the things that I need to fix about me. Then I won't even be distracted by all of these people that aren't right for me, and I also won't allow myself to waste my time with someone who is half the man that I want.
Hi I'm Nicole Magloire and in case you didn't know, I'm beautiful.
Over and Out. Nik.
Today I was bored so I took a few pictures using my webcam. I then uploaded them on to facebook as I usually do. They were all pretty normal to me, at the same level as the majority of pictures that I take, but a few in particular caught my eye. These few pictures in question, were beautiful.
Now let me just slip in a little disclaimer, I have never in my entire life considered myself as beautiful. I've thought of myself as cute and pretty on a good day, but never beautiful or gorgeous until now.
I looked at the pictures and I was shocked by my face. When did I become beautiful? Not just that, but when did I become confident in my appearance. The person that was staring back at my in those pictures was not someone that I am accustomed to seeing. The picture had captured a person who believed she was beautiful and didn't need anyone else to confirm it for her.
I don't think that over night my face has changed or the contour of my face has suddenly become more attractive, but there's something different about my face. I made a decision today that I am seriously going to chase after God and make him number one in my life. I am going to stray away from men and dating and feeling like I need someone in my life in order to feel valuable.
I'm on my way to being happier than I have ever imagined. Already I can feel myself becoming more confident and cheerful because I now know that I have nothing to prove. I don't have to try and be prettier than my friends or the girls around me, all I have to do is be me. I'm special and priceless when I truly let the world see the real me, not the facade I put on to try and fit in.
Today I looked in the mirror and I studied my face, I looked into my own eyes and saw a person that is on a road to real fulfillment. The kind of fulfillment that doesn't last a day, but instead lasts a lifetime. I'm in love with the person that God is preparing me to be, and I'm in no rush to pursue a relationship with a guy anytime soon.
For now on I'm not settling for the cute guy that is a nice dresser but doesn't know the Lord. Or the really hot guy who says he's a Christian but isn't living the life. I'm going to focus on myself and the things that I need to fix about me. Then I won't even be distracted by all of these people that aren't right for me, and I also won't allow myself to waste my time with someone who is half the man that I want.
Hi I'm Nicole Magloire and in case you didn't know, I'm beautiful.
Over and Out. Nik.
Worship
Today I went to church, and i got to spend some much needed quality time with the Lord, and also with my church family. It was really nice. I always look forward to going to church and seeing everyone and worshiping together. It's such a beautiful thing. A room filled with youth all on one accord with a mind to serve and give praise to the Lord. It's something that I'll never get tired of.
Sweet Words
Today my dad had a ten minute conversation with me, it was about family and things that are going on in our lives right now. But one thing he said to me really stuck in my mind, he said "before you can achieve success, you have to make a picture of where you want to be in life and always chase after it.'
Recently I've really begun to realize what I want to be in the future and the ways that I can achieve it. So today when my dad said that to me, it just reinforced in my that I'm doing something right. There are a few things that I really want to achieve in the next few years. Actually, let me reword that, there are a few things that I know that I am going to achieve in the next five years.
Number 1. I want to graduate college. In two years when I receive my Bachelors degree from Cedar Crest College I will be the first person in our family since my parents, to graduate from college. I can't wait to see my parents faces as I receive my diploma and they see that all of their hard work has payed off.
Number 2. I want to move to New York City. The fall after I graduate I plan to move to New York City with a few of my closest friends. I'm actually at the point where even if I have to move alone, I'm moving to New York City. All of the things that I wish to do in the future are located in New York. So when I graduate I'm hoping on a bus or a train or even walking if I have to...all the way to NYC.
Number 3. I want to work for the New York Times. I've decided that I want to pursue a career in journalism. It's the job that would fit me best I believe. The place that I wish to flourish and grow as a writer is The New York Times. I want to write for their Arts section, or anywhere they want me to write. I'm not prejudice.
Number 4. I want to perform on Broadway. There is a very large part of my heart that can't let go of my love for theater. I thirst for it deep in my soul, there's just something about it, I love it. I love being on stage and performing and I know that I would be perfect for Broadway, so they better get ready because I'm on my way.
Number 5. I want to be financially stable. In five years I want to be in the position to not only support myself financially 100% but also be able to help my family and friends with whatever they need. I want to be able to fly my parents out to all of my shows, and even around the world for their anniversary. I want to be in the position where I can take my friends on random shopping sprees and not have to worry about the bill. I want to be financially fit.
Number 6. I want to fill the world with the name of Jesus Christ. I want every single person on this earth to have the chance to fall in love with their lord and savior. I want everyone to feel the inner peace that always consumes me in my time of need. Everyone deserves to know God and I would love to introduce them.
Now there are many points in my life where I've made choices and decisions that didn't directly line up with the goals I have for my future. I didn't write as much as I should have even though I want to be a journalist. I didn't save as much as I should have even though I want to be financially set. I didn't pray as much as I should have even though I want to be a crusader for Christ. I didn't sing and dance as much as I should have even though I want to be on Broadway. Lastly I didn't prepare as much as I should have even though I want to move to NYC.
Well that's all about to change. No longer will I allow myself to be blinded by the things of this world that aren't going to progress and push my life into the direction that I would like it to go. I'm done with living in a moment that leads to tears, or fighting for a person that God doesn't want me to be with. I'm praying that the lord will grab hold of my hand and never let go. But instead, rock me in his arms and show me the path that I should take. I'm harboring and cherishing all the sweet words that have led me to this conclusion. My life is precious and grand and it's time for me to start living it right.
Over and Out. Nik.
Recently I've really begun to realize what I want to be in the future and the ways that I can achieve it. So today when my dad said that to me, it just reinforced in my that I'm doing something right. There are a few things that I really want to achieve in the next few years. Actually, let me reword that, there are a few things that I know that I am going to achieve in the next five years.
Number 1. I want to graduate college. In two years when I receive my Bachelors degree from Cedar Crest College I will be the first person in our family since my parents, to graduate from college. I can't wait to see my parents faces as I receive my diploma and they see that all of their hard work has payed off.
Number 2. I want to move to New York City. The fall after I graduate I plan to move to New York City with a few of my closest friends. I'm actually at the point where even if I have to move alone, I'm moving to New York City. All of the things that I wish to do in the future are located in New York. So when I graduate I'm hoping on a bus or a train or even walking if I have to...all the way to NYC.
Number 3. I want to work for the New York Times. I've decided that I want to pursue a career in journalism. It's the job that would fit me best I believe. The place that I wish to flourish and grow as a writer is The New York Times. I want to write for their Arts section, or anywhere they want me to write. I'm not prejudice.
Number 4. I want to perform on Broadway. There is a very large part of my heart that can't let go of my love for theater. I thirst for it deep in my soul, there's just something about it, I love it. I love being on stage and performing and I know that I would be perfect for Broadway, so they better get ready because I'm on my way.
Number 5. I want to be financially stable. In five years I want to be in the position to not only support myself financially 100% but also be able to help my family and friends with whatever they need. I want to be able to fly my parents out to all of my shows, and even around the world for their anniversary. I want to be in the position where I can take my friends on random shopping sprees and not have to worry about the bill. I want to be financially fit.
Number 6. I want to fill the world with the name of Jesus Christ. I want every single person on this earth to have the chance to fall in love with their lord and savior. I want everyone to feel the inner peace that always consumes me in my time of need. Everyone deserves to know God and I would love to introduce them.
Now there are many points in my life where I've made choices and decisions that didn't directly line up with the goals I have for my future. I didn't write as much as I should have even though I want to be a journalist. I didn't save as much as I should have even though I want to be financially set. I didn't pray as much as I should have even though I want to be a crusader for Christ. I didn't sing and dance as much as I should have even though I want to be on Broadway. Lastly I didn't prepare as much as I should have even though I want to move to NYC.
Well that's all about to change. No longer will I allow myself to be blinded by the things of this world that aren't going to progress and push my life into the direction that I would like it to go. I'm done with living in a moment that leads to tears, or fighting for a person that God doesn't want me to be with. I'm praying that the lord will grab hold of my hand and never let go. But instead, rock me in his arms and show me the path that I should take. I'm harboring and cherishing all the sweet words that have led me to this conclusion. My life is precious and grand and it's time for me to start living it right.
Over and Out. Nik.
Friday, May 14, 2010
My Sleeve
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.
When I was a little girl, I was the most sensitive child that my parents could of conceived. I cried about TV shows, and about things I read in the paper, about books, and most frequently when my siblings teased me. I've grown out of my sensitivity thankfully, I still cry about books, and things I read, but I can now look at teasing as just that teasing.
That first paragraph doesn't have much to do with the way that i used to wear my heart. There's a reason why I'm just now beginning to get over my fear of letting people into my life. When I was younger my Uncle, who I looked up to and loved with all of my heart, devastated my family and broke my heart.
I think anyone who knows me has an idea of how much my family means to me, and my Uncle and Aunt and cousins are no exception. I grew up seeing my cousin Marion and her family at least twice a week, we would spend weekends at each others house, and talk all the time. My uncle was my second father, I respected him as much as I did my own dad, and would listen to everything he said.
I remember the day he left our church. He walked passed me and didn't even speak or say hello. Marion pulled me into the library and told me that they were leaving and all the reasons why, then we cried. We sat beside each other and just cried.
I don't really want to get into the details of that situation so I know it may be confusing to readers, but it took me till just recently to forgive me uncle. I didn't even realize that I had begun to harbor hate for him in my heart. How could someone that helped raise me, lie to my face, and single handedly break our family apart.
Ever since that happened, I've had such a hard time trusting people. My thought process is, if someone that close to me, could be so selfish and not care about the effects their choices would have on me, then how can I expect a boyfriend to care about my feelings or wellbeing. How can I really expect friends to always stick around when my closest family members didn't even stay around.
My own grandfather hasn't even made an effort to stay in my life. If HE, can meet me and leave, than how can I expect anyone else to stay around. There's a line from the song "Almost lover" it says,"do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life." Why don't people realize how fragile I am, I can't take people pretending to love me and than leaving me.
Please I beg anyone that wants to be in my life, please don't treat me like a revolving door. If your going to be around please stay around.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I just hold it in my hand, searching for the right person to give it to, but they're no where in sight. I have too good of a father to have these kind of issues. It's funny how you can have such an effect on someones life. I doubt my uncle or my grandfather knew that they would mean so much to me that their absence would leave marks.
I refrained from using the word scars, because I'm starting to heal, but the marks are there. I love my grandfather so much, and the thing that upsets me the most about him, is that I know his days on this earth are numbered. He's edging up to the ninety years old mark, and I've only spent two whole days with him in my entire life. What am I going to do when he dies. They'll be apart of my history that is completely gone. I just don't understand why he doesn't make more of an effort to get to know my father, mother and my siblings and I.
He has such a great and amazing son, and he doesn't even know it. My dad is nothing like his father, he's always been there for me and I know he always will. Whenever I needed him I wouldn't even have to call he would already be there. I love him more than he'll ever know.
My grandfather and uncle have left marks in my life that I'm doing my best to erase. Though it will take a little more time, I'm on my way to being back to normal, and sooner or later, my heart will be back on my sleeve.
When I was a little girl, I was the most sensitive child that my parents could of conceived. I cried about TV shows, and about things I read in the paper, about books, and most frequently when my siblings teased me. I've grown out of my sensitivity thankfully, I still cry about books, and things I read, but I can now look at teasing as just that teasing.
That first paragraph doesn't have much to do with the way that i used to wear my heart. There's a reason why I'm just now beginning to get over my fear of letting people into my life. When I was younger my Uncle, who I looked up to and loved with all of my heart, devastated my family and broke my heart.
I think anyone who knows me has an idea of how much my family means to me, and my Uncle and Aunt and cousins are no exception. I grew up seeing my cousin Marion and her family at least twice a week, we would spend weekends at each others house, and talk all the time. My uncle was my second father, I respected him as much as I did my own dad, and would listen to everything he said.
I remember the day he left our church. He walked passed me and didn't even speak or say hello. Marion pulled me into the library and told me that they were leaving and all the reasons why, then we cried. We sat beside each other and just cried.
I don't really want to get into the details of that situation so I know it may be confusing to readers, but it took me till just recently to forgive me uncle. I didn't even realize that I had begun to harbor hate for him in my heart. How could someone that helped raise me, lie to my face, and single handedly break our family apart.
Ever since that happened, I've had such a hard time trusting people. My thought process is, if someone that close to me, could be so selfish and not care about the effects their choices would have on me, then how can I expect a boyfriend to care about my feelings or wellbeing. How can I really expect friends to always stick around when my closest family members didn't even stay around.
My own grandfather hasn't even made an effort to stay in my life. If HE, can meet me and leave, than how can I expect anyone else to stay around. There's a line from the song "Almost lover" it says,"do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life." Why don't people realize how fragile I am, I can't take people pretending to love me and than leaving me.
Please I beg anyone that wants to be in my life, please don't treat me like a revolving door. If your going to be around please stay around.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I just hold it in my hand, searching for the right person to give it to, but they're no where in sight. I have too good of a father to have these kind of issues. It's funny how you can have such an effect on someones life. I doubt my uncle or my grandfather knew that they would mean so much to me that their absence would leave marks.
I refrained from using the word scars, because I'm starting to heal, but the marks are there. I love my grandfather so much, and the thing that upsets me the most about him, is that I know his days on this earth are numbered. He's edging up to the ninety years old mark, and I've only spent two whole days with him in my entire life. What am I going to do when he dies. They'll be apart of my history that is completely gone. I just don't understand why he doesn't make more of an effort to get to know my father, mother and my siblings and I.
He has such a great and amazing son, and he doesn't even know it. My dad is nothing like his father, he's always been there for me and I know he always will. Whenever I needed him I wouldn't even have to call he would already be there. I love him more than he'll ever know.
My grandfather and uncle have left marks in my life that I'm doing my best to erase. Though it will take a little more time, I'm on my way to being back to normal, and sooner or later, my heart will be back on my sleeve.
Lets replay the melody
Music. Music. Music.
I can't get over the way that music makes me feel. I listen to it all day, every single day. The same playlists, over, and over again. But here's the thing, I never get tired of it. I can be having the worst day, until I press play.....then all of my cares fly away.
I can be in one of those moods where I feel like no one understand what I'm going through, but then I press play, and I realize someone out there gets it. Music and i are having this secret love affair that's going to leave me heart broken because I'll never get enough.
Every time I sit down to do anything on Sir Lancelot, the music must come on. Even if I'm just checking my email. Usually my music makes me cry. It could be the happiest song, but yet it'll pull at some cord in my heart that just makes the tears flow.
There are certain songs that no matter when I listen to them, something inside of me just breaks. One of those songs for some reason is "Brick by Boring Brick" by the band Paramore. There's a line in that song that says "you built up a world of magic because your real life is tragic," for some reason that always makes me want to cry. Don't ask me why, I don't think my life is tragic, or maybe subconsciously I think that some parts of my existence are indeed tragic. I don't know.
Then there are those love songs, that make me feel like my heart has been broken or something. You hear the singers raspy voice rushing over soft chords of a acoustic guitar and I automatically feel like I can relate.
I just love the way that stuff makes me feel. It makes all my troubles go away, I can't thank the Lord enough for the impact he has allowed music to have on my life.
Music. Music. Music. Over and Out.Nik.
I can't get over the way that music makes me feel. I listen to it all day, every single day. The same playlists, over, and over again. But here's the thing, I never get tired of it. I can be having the worst day, until I press play.....then all of my cares fly away.
I can be in one of those moods where I feel like no one understand what I'm going through, but then I press play, and I realize someone out there gets it. Music and i are having this secret love affair that's going to leave me heart broken because I'll never get enough.
Every time I sit down to do anything on Sir Lancelot, the music must come on. Even if I'm just checking my email. Usually my music makes me cry. It could be the happiest song, but yet it'll pull at some cord in my heart that just makes the tears flow.
There are certain songs that no matter when I listen to them, something inside of me just breaks. One of those songs for some reason is "Brick by Boring Brick" by the band Paramore. There's a line in that song that says "you built up a world of magic because your real life is tragic," for some reason that always makes me want to cry. Don't ask me why, I don't think my life is tragic, or maybe subconsciously I think that some parts of my existence are indeed tragic. I don't know.
Then there are those love songs, that make me feel like my heart has been broken or something. You hear the singers raspy voice rushing over soft chords of a acoustic guitar and I automatically feel like I can relate.
I just love the way that stuff makes me feel. It makes all my troubles go away, I can't thank the Lord enough for the impact he has allowed music to have on my life.
Music. Music. Music. Over and Out.Nik.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Home again
I'm sitting at my desk, Teddy and Wicked beside me peeking around the screen in their stuffed animal way trying to see what I'm typing. I'm home again, this time for the long haul, I have the whole summer ahead of me. A summer that will hopefully be filled with action and adventure. I warn you, this post will be quite on the long side seeing as I have a few topics to cover.
Yesterday was my last day as a sophomore in college. I must admit it was a rather bitter sweet feeling, college years fly by so fast. If you don't stop and smell the text books, next thing you know, poof it's all over. I'm not sure how I feel about my college life so far. I've gotten tremendous grades, to the point where I know that I will have no problem getting into Grad school. But so many things are missing.
This year I built some amazing friendships with some really outstanding people. The kind of people that get to know you so that they can recall things when you have conversations, and so that when your birthday comes around they can buy you all of your favorite things. The kind of friends that say "don't worry I'll never change, we'll always be friend," yep I met those kind of people. Sometimes when I think about my life I honestly have to say that I'm really lucky and God has truly blessed me.
Something is missing, this semester the relationship that Lindsey and I used to have was missing. We accounted it to the fact that we were both super busy with work this semester, but that's not it. I'm not sure exactly what is coming in between us, and making the majority of our encounters awkward, but I wish it would go away. I wish that we could go back to the way things were first semester of this year and just forget about how awful we were this semester. There's a big part of me that is scared that we won't get better from this, but the optimistic side of me is reassuring the pessimistic side that we will.
This year I got to attend a John Mayer concert, and also meet Travis McCoy, those two experiences were incredible. They helped to show me that music is one of my passions and that I can combine journalism and music and make it into a career that I will really enjoy. Because of this year I'm really looking forward to my future as a writer and I'm excited to see the kinds of people I meet and stories I write.
Something is missing, I barely read my bible or prayed this semester. I went to church maybe a few times, but not enough for me to really feel fulfilled. I wish that I had put more effort into staying closer to the Lord, because it would of made so many things so much easier. I know that I wouldn't of made a few of the decisions that are bothering me so much, and If I did I would of handled them better because I would have had the relationship to fall back on. I fail in the department of being consistent with God when I'm at college, I'm hoping that within the next two years that will all change, and our relationship will be stronger than ever.
This semester I spent a lot of time away from my parents, and it showed me that I've grown up a lot since my freshman year. I'm able to depend on myself for many things, and also I'm able to actually be away from them for a substantial amount of time without breaking down. I never thought that I would ever be able to be far away from my family, but by taking me to Cedar Crest College, God is preparing me for my life in New York. Also he's preparing me for my time with Up With People. I'm changing in certain aspects of my life and it's making me proud to be me.
Something is missing, I got attached to a boy this semester. unfortunately for me I got awfully attached to the point where now it just hurts. I let myself fall into a hole that was clearly labeled "Warning: nothing will come from this," that's a lie I didn't fall into the hole I jumped. I jumped right into the arms of someone that I knew wouldn't want to be with me. But to me, I had set my mind on achieving a goal and that mark had to be met.So congratulations to me, you reached your goal, you came, you saw, you conquered, and then you walked away in tears. I'm happy that summer is finally here so that I can have time to heal, I've never been so upset over a guy before. Chemistry, it's something else isn't it.
All in all this year has taught me a lot about myself. I always thought that I was weak, but I'm actually the strongest out of all of my friends. I let myself be weak at times but when push comes to shove, I know that I have to be strong. I have to be strong while everyone else is breaking down, and I have to deal with my pain in a way that helps me through it but doesn't destroy me. I'm growing up, I'm an adult and it's starting to show. Today I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl that just wants to sleep to avoid dealing with the feelings of pain and hurt that are floating all around her. Tomorrow I'm going to look at my reflection and see a person that is learning from their mistakes and not focusing on the past anymore.
If anyone got through this whole thing, I really appreciate it. I write to release and today I had more to release than usual. Time to get all my sadness out so that tomorrow it won't even be relevant. Over and Out. Nik.
Yesterday was my last day as a sophomore in college. I must admit it was a rather bitter sweet feeling, college years fly by so fast. If you don't stop and smell the text books, next thing you know, poof it's all over. I'm not sure how I feel about my college life so far. I've gotten tremendous grades, to the point where I know that I will have no problem getting into Grad school. But so many things are missing.
This year I built some amazing friendships with some really outstanding people. The kind of people that get to know you so that they can recall things when you have conversations, and so that when your birthday comes around they can buy you all of your favorite things. The kind of friends that say "don't worry I'll never change, we'll always be friend," yep I met those kind of people. Sometimes when I think about my life I honestly have to say that I'm really lucky and God has truly blessed me.
Something is missing, this semester the relationship that Lindsey and I used to have was missing. We accounted it to the fact that we were both super busy with work this semester, but that's not it. I'm not sure exactly what is coming in between us, and making the majority of our encounters awkward, but I wish it would go away. I wish that we could go back to the way things were first semester of this year and just forget about how awful we were this semester. There's a big part of me that is scared that we won't get better from this, but the optimistic side of me is reassuring the pessimistic side that we will.
This year I got to attend a John Mayer concert, and also meet Travis McCoy, those two experiences were incredible. They helped to show me that music is one of my passions and that I can combine journalism and music and make it into a career that I will really enjoy. Because of this year I'm really looking forward to my future as a writer and I'm excited to see the kinds of people I meet and stories I write.
Something is missing, I barely read my bible or prayed this semester. I went to church maybe a few times, but not enough for me to really feel fulfilled. I wish that I had put more effort into staying closer to the Lord, because it would of made so many things so much easier. I know that I wouldn't of made a few of the decisions that are bothering me so much, and If I did I would of handled them better because I would have had the relationship to fall back on. I fail in the department of being consistent with God when I'm at college, I'm hoping that within the next two years that will all change, and our relationship will be stronger than ever.
This semester I spent a lot of time away from my parents, and it showed me that I've grown up a lot since my freshman year. I'm able to depend on myself for many things, and also I'm able to actually be away from them for a substantial amount of time without breaking down. I never thought that I would ever be able to be far away from my family, but by taking me to Cedar Crest College, God is preparing me for my life in New York. Also he's preparing me for my time with Up With People. I'm changing in certain aspects of my life and it's making me proud to be me.
Something is missing, I got attached to a boy this semester. unfortunately for me I got awfully attached to the point where now it just hurts. I let myself fall into a hole that was clearly labeled "Warning: nothing will come from this," that's a lie I didn't fall into the hole I jumped. I jumped right into the arms of someone that I knew wouldn't want to be with me. But to me, I had set my mind on achieving a goal and that mark had to be met.So congratulations to me, you reached your goal, you came, you saw, you conquered, and then you walked away in tears. I'm happy that summer is finally here so that I can have time to heal, I've never been so upset over a guy before. Chemistry, it's something else isn't it.
All in all this year has taught me a lot about myself. I always thought that I was weak, but I'm actually the strongest out of all of my friends. I let myself be weak at times but when push comes to shove, I know that I have to be strong. I have to be strong while everyone else is breaking down, and I have to deal with my pain in a way that helps me through it but doesn't destroy me. I'm growing up, I'm an adult and it's starting to show. Today I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl that just wants to sleep to avoid dealing with the feelings of pain and hurt that are floating all around her. Tomorrow I'm going to look at my reflection and see a person that is learning from their mistakes and not focusing on the past anymore.
If anyone got through this whole thing, I really appreciate it. I write to release and today I had more to release than usual. Time to get all my sadness out so that tomorrow it won't even be relevant. Over and Out. Nik.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
future endeavors
Tomorrow night, when I'm snuggled up in my bed, blankets puddling around my legs encompassing my ankles I must remember to write. This is a reminder to myself to blog about the song, if it kills me by Jason Mraz, and I just haven't met you yet,by Michael Buble. Also I need to write about my sophomore year in college and how it feels to be a junior. I'm excited and nervous about what this summer holds for me. Here's to hoping that it brings me closer to God and closer to myself. Over and Out. Nik.
Monday, May 10, 2010
One..more...final
So I have friends, and hypothetically speaking lets say these friends are named, Brenna, Natalie, Nicole and Cory. I've spent so much time with these ladies this semester that they seem more like family to me than just friends. I sleep in Nicole and Natalie's room with them almost every night now, because Natalie and I stay up late talking so much that it's more convenient for me to be prepared to sleep there.
Brenna is my roommate for next year and we've already bonded so much that I know that next year will be amazing. Than there is Cor, she's transferring next year and we're all going to miss that crazy lady so much. She's intense and overwhelming at times but we all love her a lot.
Tonight Natalie went on a "date" if that's what you want to call it, and we're all waiting for 2am to roll around so that we can go pick her up. It's crazy because Brenna and I have only known Natalie for about a year now and already we feel obligated to watch over her and make sure she's safe
Natalie and Brenna have become the little sisters that I always wanted in life, I can tell that they look up to and respect me and it helps me to live my life better. Knowing that someone is watching you, really makes you realize how much of an example you are to people.
The year is only days away from being over and I can't even list all of the things that I've learned from all of my friends. I'm so proud of the people they've grown into and I'm really happy about the person that I am now. Once I get more free time/ when I go home I'll have to really blog about it so that I can document all of my lessons so that I never forget them.
I'm still waiting for Natalie to get back, I hope she's having a great time and making good decisions. Until next time Sunshine, over and out, Nik.
Brenna is my roommate for next year and we've already bonded so much that I know that next year will be amazing. Than there is Cor, she's transferring next year and we're all going to miss that crazy lady so much. She's intense and overwhelming at times but we all love her a lot.
Tonight Natalie went on a "date" if that's what you want to call it, and we're all waiting for 2am to roll around so that we can go pick her up. It's crazy because Brenna and I have only known Natalie for about a year now and already we feel obligated to watch over her and make sure she's safe
Natalie and Brenna have become the little sisters that I always wanted in life, I can tell that they look up to and respect me and it helps me to live my life better. Knowing that someone is watching you, really makes you realize how much of an example you are to people.
The year is only days away from being over and I can't even list all of the things that I've learned from all of my friends. I'm so proud of the people they've grown into and I'm really happy about the person that I am now. Once I get more free time/ when I go home I'll have to really blog about it so that I can document all of my lessons so that I never forget them.
I'm still waiting for Natalie to get back, I hope she's having a great time and making good decisions. Until next time Sunshine, over and out, Nik.
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