two posts....two destinations

I want to move away. I want to move to a place where absolutely no one knows my names or my face.

I want to move to a place where I have to meet people all over again, a place where I have to build my life from the ground up. A place where the people don't know anything about me.

I want to move somewhere, where my friends haven't prepared everyone with stories and jokes about me. Stories about how I make people laugh and how I don't take things seriously.

I want to move to a place where maybe I can be serious for a little bit, or rather I want to move to a place where I'm taken seriously. I want to go somewhere where my past and mistakes aren't resonating in the minds of all the people around me. I just want to leave my whole life behind and restart.

I think I deserve a do over. Not to say that my current life isn't amazing, but my heart yearns for more. I need to go away and be happy. It's those few days where I get a taste of true happiness that make me realize that I'm not truly happy in my situation.

I think Up With People will be the change that I've been waiting for. I can't wait to move away.

O and O. Nik.

FYL!

"Love is such a powerful movement. I can't fathom the unbelief of it."

My feet will thank me...

I think my feet will thank me the day I retire my running and dancing shoes.

At school, in a great semester, the majority of my time is spent dancing. When I'm at home, in a non lazy break, the majority of my time is spent running. I've written so many things about the way that dancing makes me feel that I won't even go into that, but running....

I love to run..I wish I could use a bigger...more college supported word to describe the way I feel about it, but honestly I just love to run. Running makes me feel strong, it makes me feel like I can do anything in the entire world.

When I dance I use it to to express all the things that I'm feeling emotionally, but when I run, I forget EVERYTHING. When I run all I think about is my breathing,inhale, exhale, repeat, and my feet hitting the ground... right, left, repeat.

I haven't gotten a chance to run since before I went to Ocean City on Friday but I plan to do it tomorrow. I plan to go to the gym, jump on the treadmill and zone out. I plan to forget everyone around me and how fast they may be running.

I plan to forget the things that I don't want to remember, I plan to run. Running is hard on my knees but freeing to my mind, it's works against the hard work I put in at dance, but it makes me happy.

I can't explain a lot of the things that I do and say, I can't explain a lot of the mistakes I've made in life, or why certain things can immediately break my heart. But I can explain why I run...it's a simple explanation that involves inhales, exhales, lefts, and rights and a thousand repeats.

Over and Out. Nik

Forever

I have never in my entire life..told someone that I would love them forever. I've actually never in my life told anyone that I was in love with them. I read something today that made me think...there's a reason why I've never said forever.

"So please, whenever you say forever, actually mean it. Sometimes, you don't even know how much forever actually means to that person. Maybe, just maybe, you're going to be the person who's going to make a difference to the person if you say forever to them."

I've never said forever...I have yet to begin the relationship that makes forever an option.

Over and Out. Nik

My affection

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a very touchy feely person.

The way that I show my love affection or any of my emotions really is through touching. Even when I first meet a person I give them a hug right away usually to just show that I enjoyed meeting them.

It always makes me feel weird when I meet a person and they don't hug me or anything I feel like I did something wrong. It makes me feel like I upset them in some way so my hugs are unnecessary or something, I'm not exactly why I feel that way but I just do.

My displays of affection always get in the "ughhh should you be doing that" area when I like a person, because I tend to want to be as close to them as possible. I want to touch and hug on them as much as I can, it's like a need that I have to be really close to them.

It's so hard for me to stay within the boundaries of my beliefs and morals because I love to touch and be touched. I love hugging and kisses and the feel of someones skin on mine, (Can I be real for two seconds). I would be a liar if I said that I didn't enjoy and long for the physical contact, it's one of my drugs.

I feel a deeper connection with someone when I'm talking to them and I'm able to run my hands through their hair, hold their hand or touch their face. It makes me feel like my words are being listened too, and if there is a connection there then it's easier to detect when your touching.

Now I know that it's not smart/right to go past a certain level with someone before you're married and I swear I haven't crossed that line yet, but I've definitely thought about it. Had the feelings that it would make me feel closer to them or more loved by them even though it's not true.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, I think what I'm saying is people think I'm this perfect person, but my closet is full of skeletons and my stomach is full of beasts that i'm trying to contain. Things that aren't necessarily bad, but they're just not right for this time in my life.

I hope that people can see that I'm only human, and I make as many if not more mistakes then the next guy. Allow me to live my life, and please don't judge.

My affection. My lust. My drug. My caged inner beast.

Over and Out. Nik

The joy of the Lord

There's just something about the joy of the Lord.

Anyone who is a Christian has experienced it, that feeling of extreme euphoria and love for Christ our savior. Nothing can describe the feeling, I'm trying to find the words and I just can't, describe the way that God makes me feel.

It's time like these when tragedy is coming left and right and so many ppl are forgetting to trust God, that I grab his hand and hold fast. Not to say that my relationship with God is perfect..because it's definitely not, but everyday he builds my faith. Every time I get to go to church and hear a message that touches my heart, my faith increases.

In times like these, where my dad is driving to Maryland to pray for a boy that was announced brain dead. I would usually be low in faith and thinking that he couldn't possibly be healed. But instead God has given me more faith than I've ever had and I'm not only believing that God can heal Gary but I know that God will.

He is such an awesome and amazing God, he does things for every single human on this earth every single day, even those that swear up and down that he doesn't exist. Everyday he wakes us up. Everyday he commands our muscles to function and our bones to work correctly. He commands our eyes to receive and reflect light and our ears to pick up sound.

If you've never accepted the Lord as your personal Saviour I suggest you consider it because I've never been so happy, so reassured, so carefree in my entire life. Knowing that someone is ALWAYS by my side,will ALWAYS by by my side and will never leave me helps me to go through life without a worry or a care. Believe in God and the things he has for you, believe in every thing he wants you to do. Believe in him

God is more real in my life than he has ever been before, allow him to take the reigns of your life, I mean really take the reigns. Consult him with every decision talk to him about your struggles about your pains, about your cares, about the things that weigh on your heart. Pray to him about your pains and ask him to take them away, believe in the God that saves. Allow him to save you.

Over and Out. Nik

I'm so sorry

I haven't written anything in a very long time...but I will write something. Hopefully something beautiful in the very near future. So stay tuned. =]

wow

Absolutely Beautiful ♥

Celine Dion??

It's always a great feeling to work on the negative things about yourself and have people actually notice that your doing better.

It's just nice to know that people are giving you a chance to be a better person and not just holding you to all the mistakes of your past. Every time I'm close to just giving up on the kindness and compassion of mandkind you guys go and change my mind by being sweeter than I could ever imagine. Thanks

Over and Out. Nik

P.S. I'm listening to Celine Dion right now...hence the title haha. =]

Hush

Have you ever just shutup. I mean really shut your mouth and just listened to the things around you. If you haven't you should really try it one day, you'd be surprised at the things you'd hear.

Over and Out. Nik

The eye of the storm

I'm a branch
A single branch on a tree deeply rooted
I'm a petal
On a flower just beginning to bloom
I'm a single blade of grass
In a beautiful green back yard
I'm an eye lash
On the eyelid of an eye glancing at the world for the first time
I'm a page
In a book that was just opened
I'm a person
in a world full of unique identities

Do you ever get to the point in your life where you see how small you are compared to the rest of the world. I got that feeling the other day, I was in my room, and it was storming so bad. The wind was blowing hard and rain was beating down on my window pane, and I felt so small. I felt like I was alone in the eye of a storm. I felt appreciative, I began to appreciate the fact that God has watched over me so. I am just one person, one, out of all the hundreds of thousands of millions of people on this earth, yet God has never left my side. He has never failed to watch over and protect me and guide me through life, I'm so thankful. He's such a great God. If I had ten thousand tongues I wouldn't be able to thank him enough for all the things that he's done for me. Thank you!

Thankful--Nik

Good movie.

I am the captain of my fate...

Take a number and then sit down

Get in line

but don't make a sound

comment cards are to the left...

Pens to the right

write as much as you like

M A G L O I R E make sure you spell it right

You've all come to plan my future

To tell me how I should live

You've marked out my future

Every pitfall and success

You've picked out all my outfits

and the accessories to match

As soon as your done writing

Fold your notes and put them in your pockets

I'm not accepting any criticism today

So I hope you all came prepared to listen

I will not succumb to your pressure

Or to the things that you say I should do

I will not be just like everyone else

Or talk and act the way that they do

I will laugh at inappropriate times

And get irritated and unmanageable when I'm hot and hungry

I will wear shoes that are to high

And cry about boys that I shouldn't

I will run in the mornings

And then dance my heart out at night

I will pray to God for answers

And then trust that he'll work it all out in tough times

For those of you who may be lost

I'm saying that I only answer to myself

I make the choices that I want

And I also face the consequences that some of those choices leave me with

But I'm the one that has to live this life

I'm the one that will be happy or unhappy

I choose to be happy

I choose to not be smothered

I choose to date who I please

I choose to marry whoever I want

I choose to watch movies that came out before my time

I choose to cry over John Mayer songs

I choose to text boys that I shouldn't

And I choose to not listen to you.

I am the captain of my fate I decide where I go and where I end up. God gives me choices and I'm the one that ends up making the decisions. Don't tell me what I'm going to do, because I'll turn around and tell you what I am not going to do. This is my life and I DECIDE how it goes.

Over and Out. Nik

Random...??

All I really wanna do is to love you...a kind much closer than friends use.

I will find a way to you if it kills me.

Can Jason Mraz lyrics EVER be considered random??

Over and Out. Nik =]

Friends lost

I just saw this quote and it made me think of Mary.

"It's sad when people you know, become people you knew.....When you walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them."

Now I lay me...

Lately I've been having the most intense dreams.

The kind of dreams where you wake up and for half of the day you actually think that they were real. Then something happens that reminds you of the dream and you realize that none on it was real.

I don't even want to go into what the dreams were about because I'm still kind of bummer they weren't real haha. They were the kinds of dreams that were so normal that only a genius would of known they were dreaming.

I feel like this post is going no where...so I'm just going to end it. Have a goodnight everybody. Much Love. xoxoxoox

I have a hard time

I have a hard time letting go of things. People..memories...situations. Just letting go in general. Somewhere in my mind I've convinced myself that everything lasts forever.Movies never end, people never die, and friends never leave you.

I just got done watching half of the brat pack movies, and after the Breakfast Club went off I got really sad. It was over, and I don't know what happened when they went back to school on Monday. Or worse, it's just a movie, and nothing happens on Mondays because Monday isn't coming for this story.

Sometimes I sit and I think about all of the best things that have ever happened to me, and how for some of those memories I didn't realize how special the moment was. I didn't realize that ten years later I would still be remembering that moment in history and wishing that I could go back to it and live it all over again, the exact same way.

Sometimes I wish that I was more appreciative of things..or rather I wish that I was better at showing my appreciation for things. Sometimes....I wish that things never came to an end. I wish that I never woke up from that dream because it showed me everything that I ever wanted. I wish that I never had to leave his arms, because in my mind, right now, that's the only place I want to be.

I wish I never had to say goodbye, I wish that Damien had never died..sometimes I have a lot of wishes..that I know will never come true, but I just have a hard time.I wish that my Grandfather was around more, and that my uncle would see me more than at graduations.

When I love something, I love with every fiber of my being, I love the color purple and have loved it my entire life, I loved my dog clifford and I still have yet to forget him, I love my family with all of my heart and would do ANYTHING for them. I have a hard time...sometimes.

That's why it's so hard for me when people just suddenly up and leave me, or walk out of my life, because I've already made a place for them in my future, and now suddenly...that place is left vacant without a replacement.

The moral of the story is I have a hard time letting go.....though I'm working on it, every single day..working on letting the past stay in the past...and looking towards my future. I still...sometimes....have a hard time.

Over and Out Nik

Praise you in this storm....

I'll always praise the God that gives and takes away...he's never left my side..and though my heart is torn...I'll praise you in this storm.

Casting Crown lyrics slightly altered.