Boy meets world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhTPOjA2Bbk

"I do my thing and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. And if in the end we end up together... it's beautiful." ♥

Not right..

You can't just tell someone you love them and not mean it. Just cause you're a girl it doesn't mean you have the right to hurt men this way. It's not right...

Conversations...

So I just had a really great talk with my parents and if it weren't for Up with People helping to improve my communications skills it never would have happened. But we were able to talk about why I was upset about something and then from there we talked about other things that I've been wanting to talk to them about and it was really nice.

I saw my bill that had all of my school loans on it and it's no where near as much as I initially assumed it would be. Which makes me really happy. I know that I could have them all paid off by the time that I'm 25 so that's my goal. I want to work with Up with People after I graduate and put most of my paycheck towards paying off my students loans so hopefully after I'm done with that chapter of my life I'll be debt free.

Also my parents and I talked a lot about God and how important it is to put him first in life. I really want to work hard on building my relationship with God before I graduate college and am placed into the real world. I want to learn discernment and know when something is in God's will for my life and try not to just do things because I want to do them.

One thing my dad said, well two things my dad said, that really struck with me were, one, You have to build up your spirit man before your faced with a difficult situation. If a person has to lift 100 pounds they're not going to start working out the day that have to lift all of that weight but instead way before, so their body is trained. The same goes with building your spirit man, you have to train it before a difficult situation presents itself so your able to fight it.

The second thing he said that I really like was, God's plans for your life are way better than the plans that you have for your life. That was really encouraging to me because I think about all the cool things that I want to do in life and if God will take me farther than that then I want to stick with God's will.

I really want to learn a lot of things in these six months that I have in school. I want to devote time to my school work to make sure I get the best grades possible. Also I want to devote time to my body, I want to work out and continue to eat healthier than I did before. But most importantly I really want to take time out to build my relationship with God so that when I get into the working field I have a strong foundation to stand on.

Thank you God for today, it was awesome. <333

Dreams of a wedding

So last night I had a dream and in this dream I was getting married. I was walking down the aisle in this beautiful dress my parents were on either side of me escorting me down and all of my friends were at the altar in gorgeous brides maid dresses. My husbands face was a blur and I remember stopping in the middle of the aisle, leaving and then vomiting once I got out of the church.

After I woke up and the day went on I thought of it as a pretty funny dream but then certain things about it really started to bug me.I hope I never, ever, leave someone at the altar. That is just such a horrible thing to do to someone and I would never want to be that person.

When I woke up from the dream I was literally sweating because the idea of getting married right now literally freaks me out. For some reason I associate marriage with a loss of certain freedoms that I have now, things that I'm not at all ready to give up. I look at the people that are near my age that are either engaged or married and I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them because I feel like they're not reaching their full potential in life by getting married at such a young age.

I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I'm not a fan of commitment. I meet these people and it's so much easier to just have fun with them instead of having something real. Then I meet someone that, I don't know, sticks, and I start to like them...and then things start to fall apart for me because it becomes too real. I start to feel vulnerable which is a feeling I hate, so I start to pick out their flaws and I convince myself that I'm the one that just wants to be friends with them...to make sure that they aren't the ones that end up hurting me.

I hope that no one ever reads this because it's really all over the place. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I really need to get out. I feel like I'm running away from it right now because ultimately I'm just scared of being hurt. I've watched so many of my friends get their hearts broken by hole of the ass guys they were stupid enough to date and I told myself I would never put myself through that. So consequently I treat every guy that I meet and that shows interest in me like someone who doesn't matter to me. Not saying that they all are important but I'm saying that I don't give any of them the chance to be important.

I think I'm just afraid and like Shallyn's wrist says "fear is a limitation." The thing is I'm also confused with where my fear stops and my future starts. There are so many things that I want to do before I settle down, work for Up with People, travel, find a career I love. I don't want to ever feel like I need to give something that I really love up to be with a person, I won't sacrifice my dreams for a relationship I just can't do that. So, yeah, I don't know if any of this makes sense. Not really sure why I was thinking about it so much today but I was, I'll revisit this topic again really soon and try to figure out my feelings more.

"Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them."

Life after..

So I've been home for almost a week now and I'm still having a hard time adjusting. Life after Up With People is so difficult to manage, but I think I'm doing pretty well.

I keep reminding myself that I just need to be patient, I need to give my future six months and after that I'm free to go wherever I want. Just six months and then I can go back to Up With People, move to Denver or do whatever I want really.

Lately I've been really thinking hard about my future and what I want and I know I can't stay in Pennsylvania. It's just not the place for me anymore and I used to think that New York was where I needed to be but I don't think that's the case either. I'm just not sure exactly what I want yet but I'm starting to filter out the things that I know that I don't want.

I want my life to be surrounded with people that make me a better person. I want to have a career that makes the lives of those that are less fortunate than I am better. I want to devote my life to those people that don't have the means to help themselves. Of all the great things I got in my time with Up with People one thing would definitely be that I love helping others and I could see myself working for an organization that helps others for the rest of my life.

Whether it be Toms shoes or Up with People or something that I start myself I want to do things to make this world better. I know that I can do it and even more I know that I will do it. I just have to be patient with this little bit of time that I have left in college because I know I'll miss it when it's over. I need to enjoy every second of it and when it's over...then I'm out of here.

Home...

"Well I could paint you pictures all night long and tell you tales how every song. Is to let you know that you're the reason why I'm home."

So I'm home and it's the oddest feeling in the world. I've never been so filled with happiness and sadness at the same time before. It's like my body is in two different places...like my heart is literally torn in half.

I miss my cast so much. I miss the way that we supported and loved each other and how we were just there for each other every single day. I miss the 106 hugs and kisses I got every morning and evening when we said hello and goodbye. I miss the community service, I miss being uncomfortable and I miss my host families.

Today I was in Walmart and I was so uncomfortable, I was literally disgusted by the amount of things people were buying. Unnecessary things I thought, for Christmas presents and stocking stuffers. I was reminded of the children who would love to just have clean water for Christmas. I know that I'm not supposed to be angry at myself or others for the things that they have but it's so hard not to be.

When I hear people complaining about things that are so silly in my mind, it's so difficult not to lash out at them and tell them about the things we saw as a cast. But I keep my mouth shut and I exercise the little bit of patience that I have.

I want to scream and be by myself sometimes and then all I think about is how much I want to be with the cast all the time. I think that I'm just really confused right now because I know that I'll be fine and I know I'll see everyone I want to see again soon, but the initial feeling of loneliness is so difficult to shake. But I'm going to do my best....Oh the places you'll go. I'll be fine.

La la la la life is wonderful.

Almost over...

The day that I've been avoiding for the last six months is right around the corner and I can't believe it's here already. This trip has been absolutely incredible and I can't even put into words that things that I've seen and the effects that it's had on me.

We talked to Elementary school kids in Mexico and told them that when they get older they can change the things that they hate about Mexico. We went to the slums in Manila and played with the kids and showed them that there are people in the world that care about them.

I learned that integrity and character are the most important things not only for a person but for a show as well. I've learned that the world is so much bigger than me but that doesn't mean that I can't do small things to make a big impact in some peoples lives.

I'm so sad to say goodbye to all of the people that I've met and grown so attached to here but as Paul Conzemius said to us last night, "Cast B it's time for you to go home." It's time for me to go home and to change the things in my town and my community that I don't like.

I'm going to always remember the advice that Sarah Rychlik gave us, she said don't jeopardize the people that we've become just because it's easier to go back to the people we were before we got here. At first I was super afraid of that but now I know that I'm not willing to change the person that I've become or let go of all of the things that I've learned.

I'm not afraid of saying bye to my friends because I know that no matter what we'll be friends forever. We have such a deep connection, I can talk to them about anything and that means so much to me. I know that they'll never judge me and even though we might be far apart at times that doesn't mean anything because we'll always have what we have right now.

No matter what everything is going to be fine and I have to remember that, Oh the places you'll go....everything will be fine.