I think of you in colors that don't exist.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to change in order for people to like me. I need to like the things they like and be more sarcastic and witty, be more indie, don't use slang, don't wear my hair a certain way...it's exhausting.

I've never felt like I had to be anything but myself my entire life until recently and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I need to emphasize certain parts of myself and decrease others so that people will be interested in me.

I'm not doing it anymore. No, not at all. If you don't like me for who I am then guess what I don't care. I will not try and become anyone else...I won't be fake so that you can find me interesting.

I'm not as strong and confident as I wish to be but I'm strong enough to know that I like my personality and I won't be changing it for anyone anytime soon. So if you don't like me you can take a walk.

Photographs and memories

I keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
And i dont know why i would be.
The way your smile looks so real
I feel like i could start to understand your grace.
And i dont understand why you're
Not here with me.
And i dont even wanna know where else
You'd be.

Cause i have photographs and memories of the times
When you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
And i have poetry and drawings of my life
When you weren't on my side and i didn't know
Just what is love...

Writing moments on the wall with different colors
Keeps my mind away from missing you.
And i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
Where we can dance upon a star..
And i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
Cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
A part of me.

I need you back, i need you back
I need you here.
I need your smile, i need your eyes
I need you dear.
Cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
For my eyes to trace...

Jason Reeves.

This is what someone put in response to the picture of Kyle and I in NYC.

"I want this. I want to be able to hold that special person and make the whole neighborhood jealous. I want to feel his light skin on mine. See the beautiful contrast of our love. We’ll be different, but the same. Opposite twins. I really want this. Not now, but someday. To see the bright colors embedded on our skin. Our earlobes stretched to the max. So many hole on our faces from all the mistakes we made. So happy together.

Sorry, I went off on my own fantasy trip. I just really wanna… be happy the way I feel I should. If it means waiting an eternity, then I’ll do it. I know you’re out there. If they ^^^ can do it, well, then why can’t I?"

Mohandas Gandhi

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history."

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world."

"Before the throne of the almighty, man will be judged not by his act but by his intentions. For God reads our heart."

"God, as truth, has been for me a treasure beyond price. May he be so for everyone else."

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike you Christ."

"It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings."

"Prayer is not an old womans idle amusement. Properly understood and applied it is the most potent instrument of action."

I've realized throughout the years that the tears that I've cried and the pain that I've felt is self inflicted. I put myself in situations that I didn't think would end well because I was so afraid of things that could end well.

I was so afraid of finding something that I couldn't live without. I feel replaceable. I sometimes just want to get away from myself. To be free of me. Switchfoot phrased it best..."Where do you run to escape yourself."

I hide inside of my homework and the words of others. I keep myself busy with work, work and more work. Always doing something, constantly moving. That's me, the girl on a mission, the one with the plan. Well my plans are flawed and my mission is destined for failure it seems.

I push away those that mean the most to me because I'm counting down the hours until they leave, until I make them upset or they get tired of me and never talk to me again.

My best friend told me today to call myself beautiful and I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I don't believe it. I don't see it.

I need to take time to myself but I feel like I've said that before and I don't know if it worked. I need to learn to love myself but I don't know how. How do you love something that you wish you didn't have to be around every day.

I probably sound super depressed but I'm not and that's the irony of the whole situation. I can't explain it, no one can. I hope I can change this.

I'm so supportive of the organizations and charities that teach people how to love themselves and I always push people to be confident and to know that they're beautiful despite their flaws. But yet I can't even write love on my own arm..I can't push myself to love me. How can I be so helpful to others and so useless to myself....it doesn't make sense.

"I'm fine. I'm just not happy." --House

Love recklessly and be prepared to pick up the pieces...actually love dangerously, yeah I like that better, love dangerously."

"And all the while, I feel I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up."

New York Times journalists in Libya

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/23/world/africa/23times.html?pagewanted=4&_r=1&no_interstitial

:Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love"

Hepburn

"It is better to look at the sky than live there. such an empty place; so vague. just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear."

I want to go back to this night......=(

People say love is a choice and for a while I didn't believe that....but now I do.

When you said that you loved me...that you were in love with me, I chose not to love you back. I made the decision and decided for myself that I couldn't and wouldn't love you that way.

I made the choice not to love.

Later on
the sun began to fade
And the clouds rolled over our heads
And it began to rain
Oh we were dancing mouths open
Splashing tongue taste
For a moment this good time would never end
You and me, you and me.

Today went from being what I thought would be a very stressful homework day to a very successful homework day. I'm very pleased. =)))

Sometimes you can't write how you feel. Because words and songs and quotes will never be able to describe it. You just have to feel it and see what happens, wait for the feeling to outlive itself. I think that's what I'm trying to do. I don't know how I feel right now or today, or this entire week. I'm not sure how I feel about myself or the things that I've done, the way that I've been behaving......I'm just feeling and living waiting for some of it to start making sense.

I haven't let God be apart of my life lately and that plays a part in the way that things have been going for me. I need to get back to that asap so that I can be happy again. I don't think that I'm unhappy per say but I'm definitely not as happy as I could be....I'm not as happy as I wish to be.

So I think I'm going to start working on project Nicole happiness....and implement it into my life as soon as possible. Because I can't live like this....I won't

Regrets?

What is regret? It's the one thing that I never want to deal with, I learn something from every mistake I make. I never regret things I do. Sometimes I look back on things and kind of shake my head and wonder what I was thinking but I won't regret it.

I think I actually do a good job of managing myself...I try not to make decisions that will hurt my future. But I don't do a good job of making decisions that won't hurt my heart.

I get so attached to people so easily. I'll meet you and if we have deep conversations then I'm interested and by interested I mean i'm hooked. Most of the time it's people that I know I will never see again in life. But I still get hooked.

I think I'd rather get all involved, learn from them and then have to lose them instead of not getting attached because I know they're leaving me. I want to fall over and over and over again and learn and grow as a person...so what if I hit the ground repeatedly. So what if I cry.

At the end of the day I have memories that will literally last me a lifetime and I can't complain. Sure I'm sad. Sure I wish a lot of the people that I've met could actually stay in my life but that's not how life is. People come through your life and that's just the reality of how it is and I'm ok with that.

I just love too fast and I'm ok with that too.....The world would be a better place if people just loved more. I love you.

Ok I just cried...not good. I guess I'll write more later about it.

NYC

I went to NYC with some of my best friends recently and had the time of my life. I met a guy from Australia named Kyle and he was amazing. I'm so happy that I got a chance to meet him and if I never see him again that's fine because he really made an impact on my life. I'm so happy that I got to spend that time with such amazing people I love my friends more than they will ever know.

Sorry for the language

I saw this earlier today on Tumblr and it just touched me for some reason, read it and try to get passed the language to see what it's actually saying.

"If it makes any difference, I don't want to fuck you.

She laughs

Thanks

I think you're beautiful, but I wouldn't fuck you because when we're done, I wouldn't want you to feel fucked. I would try to make love to you, and I would probably be clumsy and awkward, but when it was over, I would want you to feel loved."

Something about this is beautiful to me. Absolutely beautiful.

I like this....a lot.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."

Sense and Sensibility

"The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!"

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth."
Veronica A.S.

I wish my grandfather loved me as much as I love him.

There is something so beautiful about flaws. Physical flaws that make a person unique. I guess I must be a freak or something but I love them. To me I guess they're not really flaws, they're perfection.

I need a change of scenery, spending all day in New York City on Sunday made me very antsy about life in Pa. I'm over it. I'm over grassy hills, corn fields and farms. I need the dry city air to help me stay active and crazy and loving life.

I need the big city, with its bright lights and buildings that are unnecessarily tall. I need the street vendors and guys trying to sell you tickets to a comedy show. I need the over priced hot dogs and the cabs that take the long way in order to raise an extra buck.

I just really, really, really need to live in the city. I can't wait to move there.

Love.love.love. haha

Nicole the Rolandologist...Rhinoceros specialist. ♥

Today, today,today. So I've discovered something else that I really do not enjoy. I guess the word enjoy, is not really fitting for that sentence so instead I'll say that I discovered something that upsets me when it comes to relationships.

Inconsistency. I do not like when people are inconsistent. This goes for all kinds of relationships, my friends, family members and people who are interested in me, be consistent. Don't text me one day and then not talk to me for a million days after that and then call me and ask me why we never talk.

If you want to be in my life then be in my life. If you want to get to know me then get to know me. Don't say one thing one day and then do something completely different the next day.

I'm not asking to be number one in your life, heck I can't promise anyone that they'll ever be number one in my life but I would like to be considered important. I would like to know that I'm at least thought about every once in a while, I'm really not needy for attention or anything like that, but I do need consistency.

I need people in my life that won't leave me. So if you're going to come around, if you want to get to know me, then don't leave.....maybe that's too much to ask. I feel as if it is, but if that's what I need shouldn't I ask for it?

I can't take people coming in and out of my life, I mean I deal with it, I always do and I always will. But I don't want to deal with it if I don't have to, I know that no one can promise to me that they'll always be around, but I want people to know that if they think that they won't be around then don't even start a relationship with me, rather it be a friendship or anything more than that.

I don't have father issues or anything like that and I know that there are people in my life that will always be around and always have. And I hope that they know how much their consistency means to me and how much their love, time and affection means to me. Just spending time with them makes me happy and it means so much to me that they'll never leave me.

So pretty much what I'm saying is that I have great people in my life, that love me more than words can express. So if you want to be in my life but you think that you can't stick around, then stay away and don't waste your time because I don't need anyone coming around and confusing my life.

Nik.

I have work in 27 minutes, but I just have something that I want to say real quick. I remember when I first started this blog and I wrote every single day, documenting things that weren't really that important, but I look back on them now and they seem kind of important now.

Soooo I'm going to start blogging every day, I'm not going to try or plan to, I'm actually going to do it. So yep, that's it, I'm blogging everyday now. Yay me. And I have a pimple on the right side of my nose, just saying, I'm a little grossed out.

Ok bye.
xoxox Nik.

Moving on

So I wrote this today and I'm not sure exactly what it is or what it means, but I know it means something. It means something to me and I wanted to share it, maybe it will mean something to someone else too.

She had problems
He had solutions
Together they were going to change the world
He cheated
She stayed
She could never walk out on the one she loved
He was troubled
And she was not
In life you need someone to keep you sane
She was his someone
But he couldn't accept that he needed her
He was independent
He loved her but was convinced that he wasn't in love with her
She was head over heels
She knew that he was everything she always wanted
He was her prince
Her knight in shining armor
He saved her
She chained him up
He felt bound
Locked, chained and cuffed by her
He felt smothered
Some would argue that he was
Others would say she just loved him
And when you love someone you cling to them
You enjoy being around them
Seeing them
Talking to them
And even sitting with them in silence
She loved everything about him
His smile
And the way his nose scrunches when he laughs
His eyes
And the way they sparkle when he's excited
His smell
And the way it lingers on everything he touches
She was intoxicated
He was sobering up
Things change, people change
And he was no exception
He decided he was going to leave
And that's exactly what he did
She woke up alone
Brushed her teeth alone
And the note explaining everything
Proved she really was alone
He moved his things out little by little
And when they ran into each other
He would stare at the ground, ashamed.
She cried a lot
But eventually it got easier
And when she met someone else
He was the one left feeling queasy
She didn't invite him to the wedding
Or the baby shower six months after
And when they ran into each other later
And the swell of her stomach was impossible to ignore
He congratulated her and whispered that "It should of been him."
She smiled and whispered back "I'm happy it wasn't."
She walked away rubbing her stomach and thinking about her husband
The man she loved more than anyone in the whole world
Including him.