Like a hurricane.

"I need you like a hurricane. Thunder crashing, wind and rain. To tear my walls down, I'm only yours now. I need you like a burning flame..A wild fire untamed. To burn these walls down. I'm all yours now."

UWP

I got accepted into Up With People...this feels like the first day of the rest of my life. My life is finally taking off and I'm about to start doing things I've always wanted to do. I'm so excited I can barely contain.

Will write more later.

Over and Out. Nik

If you really knew me.

I don't know what's up with me today....I was exhausted all day. Work really took a toll on my body.

Then tonight...when I got home. I got to see my parents and that was great, but I'm emotionally off today. If you really knew me...would you know that today would be the best day to call me. That I'm not sure what's wrong with me...but I'm upset.

Who is this person. What am I doing with my time....I need to get my game face back on. Stop worrying about not getting hurt..and about my peers and everything else in my life that's really not important. I need to focus on my relationship with the Lord and my school stuff.

Sometimes my heart gets so heavy. So heavy to the point where I think my chest is going to explode. It get so heavy to where I see displays of genuine care and affection on TV and it makes me want to cry. I'm mean to the majority of people who are nice to me...people who show me genuine unconditional love.

I continuously push my mother away and I don't know why. She loves me so much, and always does so much for me..and when she's not around I miss her. But when she's around I feel like I have to be rude to her and I don't know why.

What's wrong with me. Why can't I just show her how much I love her. I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do. I need Jesus to come down and spend time with me..and tell me where I went wrong. Tell me when I became the person that I am today. I need something, I just don't know what.

Yesterday I thought my life was perfect..I thought I was ok living in the facade of the fake life that I've started for myself. Then tonight I find myself consumed with pain...lost in tears..wondering what I'm doing. Sometimes when I pass a mirror I look into my eyes..I look deep into the eyes of the one person I should know the best and I see a stranger.

I'm literally sleeping with the enemy. Lord please help me. People tell me that they like the person that I am and that I shouldn't change for anyone..well I'm going to change. I'm sick of being the way that I am. I'm not the overly flirtatious and seductive virgin that I've been lately. I'm not the party girl or club goer that needs male attention. I'm not the girl that's rude to her mother.

Once again like I've said many times before I'm not exactly sure what I am yet..but I know what I'm not. I'm not the person that i see in the mirror every morning lately. I'm going to changed for not only God..but for myself. I'm going to make the effort to treat my mother better, and to do things with her that I might not enjoy..but that make her happy.

Dear Blog...I'm not perfect, I'm actually flawed beyond belief. But I do know one thing I'm a child of the most high God..and I can do anything through him...and that means even changing my ways.

If you really knew me...you'd know this time I'm serious.

Wordsssss

I'm in a writing mood. My brain is flowing thoughts and concepts around faster then I can grab a pen and put them on paper.

I'm feeling like I should be writing songs and then singing them. Putting words on a paper and then adding tunes and melodies to them...letting everyone feel my happiness or pain through the words that I sing.

I'm feeling like I should be doing more with the talents that God has placed so carefully and beautifully wrapped in my lap.

I'm feeling like I should swallow my pride and fear and let these words that are inside of me out for more people to hear.

I'm feeling some kind of way right now.

OandONik.

Tattoo

I got a tattoo last week. It's a heart design on the top of my right foot. I think it's beautiful. I think that it was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. It's random and no one understands it but me and I think it's perfect.

My tattoo makes me think of love...the true love that I've been waiting for. The kind of love that comes out of no where..that slaps you in the face while your on vacation with your family. The kind that consumes your life suddenly and you know it's real...and though no one else understands it or can see why your so enthralled with it..you know it's right.

So you defend it with everything you have..because you know that it's right. You know it's real..you know it's what you've always been waiting for. The missing piece to your puzzle.

My tattoo is beautiful...a beautiful reflection of the love that I'm terrified to find...but yet still trying to wait patiently for.

Is change possible

My blessing is also my curse.

I've learned how to not get feelings attached when it comes to males. I've constructed a wall that's a hundred feet tall and ten thousand feet thick..it's impenetrable. One would think that I was safe...safe and sound in my fortress of whole hearts and shallow relationships..but I'm alone.

I'm alone and unhappy..and the things that I'm doing to save my heart from breaking is actually breaking my heart slowly each day. I wanna scream..or cry...or run away, yep that's it I want to run away from it all..run away from everything. But that wouldn't even help me. Where do you run when you're trying to out run yourself.

I'm confused. I look into the mirror and I look into my eyes and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. He told me that I had walls up that no one could get through...he said one day I'll meet someone that will make me feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

But to me vulnerability leads to pain..and when you open yourself up to someone in that way it leads to heart ache. But right now my heart is aching..my defenses are breaking and what I'm doing to keep my self safe is putting me in more danger then I realize.

I'm sick of relying on my physical appearance and random quirks to keep someones attention. My personality is so fulfilling but yet I never give men the chance to experience it...I put on the facade..the fake Nicole that's extremely flirtatious and acts as if she's so experienced. When in reality I'm the scared little virgin that is still afraid that people will leave me and not come back.

I wish that people would never forget me, or rather I wish that I could forget everyone..that I would be hurt by the memories that flood my mind at night time.

My feelings are hurt, and I'm the one that did it. My heart is starting to crumble..and I'm the one grinding it into the ground. He told me that he when I started to show him affection it was so nice...he said that, that side of me was so gentle and affectionate.

He told me that i needed to stop repaying kindness for negativity..but I honestly don't know how to stop. Whenever I give off honesty and vulnerability all I get back is fake feelings and pain. I just wanna cry. I don't know what to do anymore...Lord help me cause all I see is fire...and there's no hoses in sight to put it out.

If a stranger could see that i was this guarded this afraid to love..then I wonder what my family and friends see. Do they know that I'm this alone..this filled with pain or are they fooled by the smile pasted on my face.

I want to change..I want to be happy and let people in..I want to give people the chance to get to know the real me..but all my past hurts and scars always get in the way of me being myself.

I didn't realize I was this messed up until Adrian brought it to my attention...Wow. I have a lot of things to figure out and alot of work to do.

Over and Out. Nik

He kept his word...

He told me he'd give me something to write about..and Lord knows he kept his word.
Until Saturday my friend..
Until Saturday.

A psychic or something..

Do you ever wonder how your life is gonna turn out?

Will I end up happy? Do I end up with the guy? Will I move to NYC? Will I end up like the people that I said I'd never end up like?

I have so many unanswered questions, and if I had the chance to have them all answered tomorrow I honestly don't think I would. I think one of the most beautiful things about life, is the fact that it is so unpredictable.

You never know what's going to happen, you just know that if you work hard and go after the things that you want, then hopefully everything will go the way that you planned.

So who knows how my life will turn out....I definitely don't know...but one thing I do know is that I'm excited to see how this all plays out.

Over and Out. Nik

=[

It's 4am and I'm still awake....I don't understand!!!! =]

Hearts and their owners

I read things about love all the time. I listen to music about love. I watch movies about love, and almost every day I talk to one of my friends about love, and their significant other. But me, myself, I've never been in love.

I've loved many things, cars, friends, family, shoes, computers, books..etc I think you get the point, but never a man. Now let me explain, by never a man I mean I've never been in love before. Of course I love my father and brothers and what not, but never in my entire existence have I told a guy that I was dating that I loved him.

I had one person say it to me before, he said it over skype, and I just looked at the computed screen. I didn't get happy at all instead I started to cry, the next day I called him and told him that we couldn't talk anymore.

I think about him sometimes, not because I think that I was really in love with him, but instead because I wonder why I was so scared at the time. I've changed so much since that day, I think that if we tried again now it still wouldn't work out, but it would of ended on better terms.

I feel bad for every guy that talked to the Nicole that I used to be, the one that had something to prove. The one that was terrified of anything real so she pushed away anyone that tried to like her on a deeper level away. The one that subconsciously went after only guys that were looking for hook ups because she knew that even if they hurt her feelings, they would never get close enough to break her heart.

Now I see that being single is not a way for me to push away every guy in the world, instead it's a time for me to get to know myself, and that's what I'm doing. I've really been taking a lot of time out to just figure out who I am. I think that I'm ready to start living my life and get to know people, and not feel pressured to start a relationship, but also not purposely sabotage anything that feels to real.

I guess I'm starting to mature...who knew.

Over and Out. Nik.

Everybody knows

I still can't believe you found somebody new...but I wish you the best, I guess.

Everybody Knows--John Legend.