52 Things so far...

I'm moving to New York City when I graduate, and one day I'm going to be on broadway. I wrote a list of things I want to do before I die and those are both on it. I'm writing from my home computer because my poor laptop broke. "Stay" by Gavin Degraw is playing in the background and a basketball game is on mute on the TV.

I'm sitting here thinking that one day someone is gonna open their eyes and realize that all of their dreams have come true, why can't that person be me. Sometimes I cry at night because the thought of not living out all of my dreams literally terrifies me. I pray to God begging him to let me become the person that I've always dreamed of being. I don't want to spend my life searching for something but not knowing quite what I want. I know what I want and I'm going to go after it.

Everything happens for a reason, there is a reason why I started this blog and why I attended Cedar Crest College, there is a reason why I love theatre. There is a reason why I've been struggling the way that I have been all week. One day I plan to look back at my life in amazement and cry out to God in absolute wonder thanking him for letting my steps lead me through a life full of fulfillment.

I'm definitely blessed and now that I finally realize the weight that is behind the scripture.."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and the scripture " all things work together for the good of them that love the lord and are called according to his purpose." Everything in the world has already been set up for me to be a success it's now my job to grab hold of the promise the lord made to me and every single one of his children.

I was fearfully and wonderfully made and I am a child of God and one day I'm going to look back on my life and be proud of what I accomplished and I'm going to look in my heart and see God still there, and be proud of the fact that through it all I held on to what I believed and never let anything but praises slip off my tongue.

I can only admit this to you..

I'm so happy I deleted his number..because I'm sitting here listening to John Mayer and feeling all lovey dovey like and I would of called or sent him a text by now, but thank God I don't have his number anymore. I just read a comment on my friends fb status, his status was talking about how he wants God to send him a woman, and someone commented and asked if he was prepared to be someones number two in their life and be their second priority, and he said other things but that comment is what really made me think.

When I get in a serious relationship my boyfriends needs to put God first in his life, and also God needs to be first in my life and what that means is that we both have to be ok with being number two. Whoever I choose to date can't expect my whole heart because it already belongs to Jesus and they have to know that they will always be my second priority because Gods will comes first.

I'm scared because I know that I can't be first in someones life but I know how jealous and upset I get when I try to get in contact with my mom and she's talking to one of my siblings or with my dad. I get jealous when I feel like someone should be giving me a certain amount of attention and they don't so I guess before I can expect anyone to be ok with second place I have to learn to fit into second place.

I want who ever I end up with to have a strong relationship with God and I can't stand in the way of that. I have to love them but always put God first. God is going to have to help me to become the girl that is not just ok with second place but encourages it. I love God more than anything and no one can fill the place he possesses in my life...so I need to give whoever I'm with the chance to love and be loved by God the same way that I am.

I have so much growing to do..I have the potential to be a really jealous girlfriend, but I seriously refuse to do that. I've seen so many of my friends go down the route where they continuously fight with their boyfriends over the dumbest stuff and it all stems from jealousy. I'm scared that I'm going to become just like them, I know that something is on it's way in my life and I'm trying my best to become the person that deserves to receive such a blessing.

I have to remember that these single days that I'm living are a real blessing and I really am thankful for them. I just want to be a better person and I don't know how long it will take for me to be the woman that I would like to be, but I think that I am on my way there.

Another page in this book

So I follow a few blogs..and by few I mean three..my friends Abby, Jason Mraz and this other lady. I was reading a blog that Mr. Mraz posted and he asked a question that really stuck with me..the question was..what lights you up??? and it made me think what makes me happy in this world...what lights me up, and it's hard to put my finger on one thing because a lot of the little things in this world make me happy.

God makes me happy.....he's the roots in my life..the base of every single thing in my life that makes me happy. Today I got to take pictures and dance really stupid around with some of my best friends and it made me appreciate the friends God has blessed me with. It made me appreciate having feet and legs that can move and not having any disabilities that keep me from doing things like dancing. Oh how I love to dance...that's something that definitely lights me up.....it makes me feel so weightless that's one thing I love...I love it when I do something and I feel weightless..that's what lights me up.

I'm different lately...I take pictures and I don't automatically check them to see if whether or not their cute, I'm different in the way that I'm appreciating my body a lot more. I'm loving myself more, I'm finding this deeper appreciation for the muscles and bones that make up this body that I possess. I'm so blessed....with a great family and beautiful friends and a mindset that propels me towards success and happiness. I'm blessed that God never left me or forsake me but instead always reassures me that he's right by my side.

I'm blessed and when I think about how blessed I am it lights up my life....if God never did anything else for me I would still have to thank him because he's done too much for me all ready. I'm blessed and I'm filling up my life with light.

This picture is an example of how I've been feeling lately...blurry and unfocused. Have you ever felt like your watching every one around you live there lives..doing things that you've always wanted to do...going places you've always wanted to go. That's how I feel, I want to travel the world I want to meet different people all over the world, I want to go skinny dipping in Colorado. There are so many different things that I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to do, and I don't know if I'm just being ungrateful but I need to get away. Currently in my professional life I've been doing really well, this semester I've gotten amazing grades, I've improved as a dancer and I also may have an internship for next year. I really do have a lot to be grateful for I'm being proactive in my life and I feel like I'm following my bliss. But then I see people in places like Hawaii performing on a stage on kids on the beaches of California just drinking and having a good time, and it makes me think that I'm not really living. I think I just really need to realize how great my life has turned out, and it's not that I've settled for less or anything but I'm genuinely on my way to being blissfully happy. I just have to remember that everything that glitters isn't gold...the people on the beach and those in California are doing things that make them happy. I have to follow my bliss and do what makes me happy though I may be blurry and unfocused I'm on my way to being really happy. Seriously I thank God for the life I'm living....it's battered and broken and may steer off track sometimes but it's still mine.

the only exception

And i've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk, but

You, are, the only exception

I'm pretty sure I may be half a man

I had an epiphany today.....I'm clearly half a man. I was thinking about relationships just now and I was thinking about how I think I like this kid and then I was like well what about all the other guys in the world. How messed up is that...I mean why is it that I had to think of that today....why is it that I'm even thinking about it at all.

This week is clearly my over thinking week because I never analyze something as much as I'm analyzing this. The thing is that I always let myself get caught up in the fantasy of a person and once I get to know them the fantasy is gone and I can't take them not being the way I imagined them.

But in this case I know him, I know his faults and the dumb jokes he tells and the way he plays with his friends and just how amazing he is. But does that mean I should like him, since I know he's an amazing guy that is going to make someone really happy one day, does that necessarily mean I have to be that special someone for him? I don't really know I guess I'll find out eventually if it's worth me even thinking about.

The problem is I can picture myself telling him things I've never told anyone before and introducing him to my parents and my siblings but the weirdest part is that I can picture myself holding his hand. I hate holding hands I think it's pointless and can get a little gross and clammy but I can see myself doing it with him. I really don't know if I like him or not, what I do know though is that I get angry when he talks to girls, I don't get jealous I just get either annoyed or angry.

When he runs to his phone to return a text message I want to throw his phone across the room. But then again when I think about it I know that I am honestly not in the place in my relationship with God where I need to have anymore distractions. I just really don't know what to think about this person I don't get butterflies when I see him or when I picture his face, but I think about him all the time.

So what does that mean.....I got butterflies with every other guy I ever talked to before, but I was never as comfortable with them as I am with him. I wish I could talk to someone about this but I'd seriously just rather not speak it out loud. I honestly don't know what's up with me, people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that it makes the heart grow crazier, I feel like my mind is going crazy over him. I hate it but also I like it cause I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.......so I'm predicting that when break is over he'll tell me about a girl he likes and I'll smile and nod.

I guess depending on how bad it hurts will help me decide if I actually like him or not. I wish I was beautiful....I bet beautiful girls never worry about this kind of stuff......I wish I was either beautiful or a guy...this would be so .much .easier.if.I.Was.a.GUY.

wwwoooo just wait one second

Ok so this whole not being scared to live life...is so hard! Seriously I know that eventually once I get used to pushing past the initial fear and just doing what I want..it should get easier but right now it's so hard. I think it's the uncertainty of putting yourself out there that scares me so much.

It's like ok here I'll put my heart and soul out here for you to maybe feel the same way as me but you probably won't but hey let's see what happens......ugghhh that's horrifying. I seriously don't want to be the girl that keeps thinking about the one person that I thought about every single day but never went after. I'm scared of how people will react to the different ways this situation could turn out.

I'm scared of what it could do to our friendship and out group of friends..I'm scared that he won't feel the same way. But my biggest fear is that this is another one of my phases. See I used to do these things where I liked a guy just because I thought he was out of my reach and as soon as he liked me back I no longer liked him anymore...I was only after the chase. Well I can't do this with this guy that isn't even an option for this situation.

So what if I tell him how I think I might feel and then if he reciprocates I just decide that i never really liked him in the first place. I feel like the dumbest person in the world with all these what ifs, and for those that don't know me you probably think I over think every single situation but I promise you I don't. It's just those darn matters of the heart...they make me think way to much.
Happy Turkey day!

I wrote...

About a year ago I wrote myself a letter and I just reread it for the first time in a long time and I'm really happy that I did....thank God that I did I really needed it.

"letter to self"
don't be afraid to look dumb or fail. Don't be afraid of rejection. Don't be afraid to say no or yes. Just don't be afraid to live everyday to the fullest. Love with all you have, be the exception and never forget who you are.
with love,
Nicole

I remember the day I wrote this I was in practice and I had just given up the chance to meet Sacha Fletcher because I was too nervous and I just couldn't get myself to speak to him. I don't regret it though because it taught me that my fears honestly can hold me back in life and I really don't need them too. Man...I'm so scared lol but I'm not gonna let it hold me back, I'm just gonna see what happens with this I won't get my hopes up or get any expectation I'm just not gonna be afraid. That's my goal for the rest of my life to not be afraid, to give my life to God, to be the person that I'm destined to be, to travel to the places that I'm meant to travel to and to love. I'm facing my fears and I'm not sure where that's going to lead me but I'm facing my fears and opening my heart to the possibilities.

Music floods my brain

Right now I'm sitting in my friends dorm room listening to John Mayer and I just became ridiculously grateful for all of the friends that I have in my life. Last night I got to spend time with my friends from a different college and usually it's me and Lindsey but since Linds is in D.C I went by myself.

I didn't have a problem with going by myself but the thing is that all of my friends there are guys and people always get the wrong idea when I say that I'm going to hang out with all of my guy friends. But they're honestly some of the nicest, considerate and protective boys that I've had the pleasure of getting to know.

I haven't know them that long and they are so easy to talk to and whenever I need something they're always there for me. But I used to always think that they liked Lindsey a lot more than they liked me and last night just sealed the deal for me that they like us both equally. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all and I got to spend time with each person and got to wrestle Dave which was hilarious but I just really had such a good time.

I'm going to miss them so much over this Thanksgiving break and I don't even want to think about Christmas break because I don't want to think about going that long without seeing them. They honestly make me and Lindsey so happy I love them to death. It's weird because I've never had real male friends all of my guy friends from home are either dating one of my friends or have tried or are trying to get with me in some way. Like Joey kept saying stuff to me last time I went home and it was weird cause he like turned me down when I liked him saying we were just friends to people and now he's making all these advances at me and I don't like it.

The only thing I need in my life right now are some real friends and I'm just really thankful that God has placed so many great people in my life because I would honestly be lost here without them. Every time I found out that I'm hanging out with them I look forward to it all week and like count down the days, just like I do when I know I'm hanging out with my best friends at home.

I'm so afraid to ruin the friendship that I've built with all of them that I would never ever entertain the thoughts that sometime come in to my mind just because of the fact that if anything happened and they stopped talking to me for some reason I would be absolutely devastated. No lie I would probably cry my eyes out, we're getting to the point where we actually have deep conversations about things and I'm scared that this is all to good to be true.

Uncertainty

I could run if I wanted to
But in my heart I know
I would only run into your arms
Our hearts beat as one
Though our time together is short
We know this will never work
Harsh words are spoken too often
and loving words to rarely stumbled upon
we can't linger in our filth any longer
But can love ever be considered filth
yes we fight and argue and sometimes it's physical
but I love you
We neglect each other and continuously lie
But I need you
Never have I lusted for some thing as much
As I lust for your breath on my cheek
Your hands fill the spaces my body left empty
I'm whole
Or at least I think I am
this is love
will I'm pretty sure it is
If you were to leave me I'd be empty
Or at least I think I would be
But now that I think and say it out loud
I'm not sure

I thought I was strong

What is living? I need to know how do you know when you've truly begun to live. Who evaluates the things that you've done in your life so far and say...well Nicole congratulations you've finally begun to live.

What defines the extent to which I held back in life. Is making cautious decisions and trying not to get hurt in life..not living. I will admit that at times I do make the cautious decision but I think that the majority of the time I try to throw caution to the wind and just live my life. I dress the way that makes me happy and say what I want and mostly do what I want so I would like to think that I'm living for the most part.

There's just that one part of my life where living isn't an option. The part where my fear of pain and rejection keeps me from letting it flourish and grow the way that it should. I don't love too often, I love my family and my friends by that's about it. I love my parents with all of my heart and I love my niece and nephews more than you can imagine but that's family love. I think of all of my friends as family too so once again that's family love.

The thought of trying to extend that love past the four walls of my life and into a world that can throw it back to me broken....leaves me petrified. Last night I watched the Sex in the city movie and Carrie gets left at the altar. That made me so scared, what if I love someone with all of my heart and promise to spend the rest of my life with them, and then they leave. What if I finally tell someone I love them and they don't feel the same way.

What if I finally decided I want to be someones girlfriend and then they break up with me. I thought that I was strong but when it comes to matters of the heart I'm not. When boy hurt my feelings I usually do one of two things, I either cry and just stop talking to them all together. Or I pretend everything is ok and I become this mean and heartless female that pulls out everything about you that I know will hurt you. I can't handle being hurt it turns me into a person that I don't like to see.

I would love to get married one day and spend the rest of my life with someone but I honestly just d0n't know if I'm strong enough, what if I can't do it. Or what if I do it and it breaks me. I hang on to the lyrics of the genuis Michael Buble sometimes for peace of mind they say "I know someday that it'll all work out, you'll make me work so we can work to work it out, and I promise you kid to give so much more than I get, I just haven't met you yet." Maybe my problem is that I honestly just haven't met the person that is supposed to give me security.

The person that though it'll all still be scary and filled with uncertainty I'll be ok with it because I'll know that he'll always be there. My fears of being alone for the rest of my life are so much greater than my fears of falling in love that I know that I'm going to face my fears, because I honestly have no choice but to do so. I want to fall in love one day, and I want to fall hard, so if that means me risking, getting broken up with, or left at the altar, or told that I'm not loved than so be it. It's better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. right?

My hair...and rihanna

So I just saw Rihannas new video for her song Russian roulette and it made me cry, I'll write more about it later because I'm in between classes at the moment but...anyways here's a picture of how I want to cut my hair.


more on this later gtg to class =[ lata

I confuse myself

At least my mind is under control now, that's definitely something that I should be great full for I avoid a lot of the thoughts that used to drive me crazy not to long ago. I'm not letting myself think about the hims or the thems I'm really trying to make this time in my life about me and making myself a person that I think this world needs.

I'm definitely moving on with my life and though I may not have closure in a few aspects of it, I'm still moving on. The past is just a slither of the person that I am now I must say that these last few weeks have really forced me to examine myself. Time spent alone with out any men in my life romantically, it's definitely been a challenge for me not to talk to every guy that has shown interest in me.

I'm being like Joseph and fleeing from all temptation that comes my way because I know that God has truly put me in this place in my life for a reason. This state of solidarity, I'm so much closer to myself then I used to be I like myself more, I'm learning a whole lot about myself and my self restraint and the fact that with Gods help I do have the power to say no to things.

I'm wiser now then I was, my days are spent focused on things that are more important, I don't continuously check my phone upset if he doesn't text me. Now I'm just happier in a way because I'm feeling the same way they made me feel but this time around I'm showing myself that I am worth something and beautiful without needing someone to say it to me. This place I'm in is definitely empowering I'm just doing my best and so far it's working out for me.

I feel a crush slowly trying to creep it's way into my life but I've been trying my hardest not to succumb to it so I won't even talk about it now. I'm just pleased is all and I thought I would share, don't forget to thank God for everything you have without him we'd all be nothing.

Did you pray today?

A weird answer to a simple question
Lost thoughts found on a page but forgotten in reality
It's crazy how easy it is to go from being ok
to being not so ok
Words play games with your mind
They slip there way into your ears
and swing on the thoughts that your mind processes
The numbers that configure themselves together
to make a number that reaches you
I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact
That right now there is no one to think about
or miss and long for
My heart yearns for no one
I have no crush
no love interest
no one to call me beautiful
and now I'm lost thinking
what now?
So I immerse myself completely in my studies
We must get good grades and make the deans list
We must use our time wisely
and become something that will make
our parents proud
I've forgotten about all the lost loves
and I cut all ties I had to them
My heart is sincerely whole
and is it wrong that I wish it wasn't
That if only I had some memories
A few shards of my heart
A few wounds
Then maybe I would feel like there was something
It's hard to explain how I feel because
I don't feel empty
Or feel like something is missing from my life
I honestly don't need anyone in that way
right now
But for some reason
some way,shape or form
I want something
Well not exactly want ..more like
I miss something
I lay down and the covers go over my head and
I miss something
My head gently lands on the pillow , my eyes close and
I miss something
Who knows exactly what it is that my body misses
Lust is a strong feeling
It can ruin a life and rattle a family
But in this case it just keeps me missing
Missing a touch and a kiss
Not the person or personality that goes with it
Just the feelings that I get
when I get it
Admitting the truth makes it all real
I've become a wonder to myself
in the way that I'm finally being honest
Maybe not in every aspect of my life
But I'm definitely finally being honest with myself
It angers me to think that some people read this
Search through the words
seeking an explanation for me
For why I say or do certain things
Instead of just coming to me and asking me
Well this is me being honest
Ask me!!!
This blog is for my enjoyment
This is for me to feel safe and open
I come here to speak
To write and to let my voice be heard
A voice that though it is loud
Is very often spoken over
I long for the days where my knowledge is acknowledged
Until then I sit back
Being honest with myself
and trying to bury the lust that leaves me longing
For feelings but not emotions
I will admit I'm a bit messed up
I'm battered and bruised
with many unseen scars
But I'm definitely not broken
Still I rise to the destiny that is before me
I ask that God prepares me for the days to come
I ask that he hold me in his arms and rocks me to sleep
I ask that God be my refuge
My shield
and my strength
For God I live
and for God I die
I prayed today asking for a good day
I asked to be watched over and kept
Thank you God for answering my prayers.

procrastination

Right now I am seriously procrastination studying for the test that I have tomorrow afternoon and it made me remember that i haven't written a real post on here in a while. So not to neglect my obligations I'm gonna write a little bit. So I don't know my life is going ok lately my uncle died I'm not exactly sure when but my parents told me when I went home this weekend. Apparently they waited to tell me because they didn't want me to be upset at school and like doing bad in my classes, but so far I'm doing ok. I haven't even cried yet so hopefully I keep taking this well and I don't just break down one day.

Besides that everything in my life is going ok, there are a lot of things that i need to start doing more of. I really need to buckle down and stop playing with God and the relationship that I'm trying to build with him. My father gave me these like dvds that he wants me to start listening to and I think I'm going to start tomorrow because I miss the relationship that I had with God over the summer. I prayed all the time and read my bible and I just feel like we were so close at that time and now not so much.

I just really want him to know how much I want to live for him and do things for him, but I seriously have to stop saying it and actually start living it. It's so hard when you enjoy doing the things of this world and things like that but I'm seriously going to try harder, I'm going to keep going to the seventh day church around here with my friends. I'm going to try to pray more than right before I go to sleep and actually start my day off with prayer. It's hard to do anything in the day and try to stay productive and I think that if I started my day off with prayer that it would be so much better.

I think the moral of the story is that I need to get my priorities together. I'm not a little kid anymore I can't expect my parents to get me into heaven I have to do that myself, and it's still only by the grace of God that I'll get there. I just need him in my life, I can't break right now I have to be strong for myself or I won't make it through the rest of the semester. The play will be over in two weeks and then I'll actually have free time again and I can't even believe it I'm so happy.
I feel like I'm writing an essay or something but it's just that I really haven't written anything in so long that I feel like I have so much to tell you about and I don't even know how to get it all out.

I think I may have already said that Devon and I aren't friends anymore and it's not even worth me writing about but I know that it was the lords will for me to stop talking to him because I'm so much happier. Plus I realize now that I was using him to make me feel better about myself and it's never ok to do that to a person and I need to know that I'm beautiful and precious and priceless without having to hear a person say it to me.

I think that right now I really would like to be with someone but I don't want to settle for just anyone just because there interested in me. I've seen way to many relationships fail and had to pick up the pieces of my friends hearts to know what happens when you rush into things and I'm not in the business of doing that. I think that once I start to putting my life in the order that it needs to be in and stop with all of the foolishness that I'll be a lot happier. I need to stop being so afraid to stand up for what I believe in and not be afraid to say that I don't agree with certain things. I need to stop using bad words and thinking it's ok and I need to not let myself get drunk ever again because God showed me that I was lucky the last time because he blessed me with some really great friends and I won't be so lucky the next time.

But anywhos I was thinking about relationships and how when I finally do end up in a relationship I need to work on my jealousy issues so that they don't interfere in anyways shape or form. Because I get jealous when me parents spend more time with another siblings than me and also when my friends don't text or call me enough so I know that if I don't get this together ASAP that it could possibly ruin any relationship that I would like to have in the future.

So now that I've rambled for about 15minutes about God knows what I'm actually going to go to sleep now so I can wake up early and study for this test I have tomorrow afternoon =]. Wish me luck!!!

It's been a while

I know it's been awhile I promise to write soon but....
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19yrs old

So this is my last post as a 19 year old girl, or as a teenage rather, because in 42 minutes I turn 20 and I won't be a teenager anymore. I always thought that you feel different after every birthday but now I realize that really you don't feel different after every birthday but only the monumental ones. Like when I turned 16 I felt different and also when I turned 18 so I'm hoping that when I turn 20 that things will start coming together for me. I had a really crazy intense weekend and a lot of things happened some, I don't necessarily want to deal with and others I'm laughing about and just letting them go. Well on Friday night I went to the club with my friends and that was fun I guess even though I don't enjoy it as much as I used to I think that it's just really starting to get out of my system. I'm definitely getting a little ahead of myself because before we went to the club me and Lindsey went to a jam session. It was so awesome it was me Lindsey, Katey, Troy and this guy name Jude. Jude and Troy were on the guitar and Katey was on the keyboard and me and Lindsey sang. It was just super cool because we just kept making up different songs together and it was seriously one of the coolest and most genuine experiences of my life. I just felt so comfortable singing and we all complimented each other so well it was amazing to say the least. Then after that is when I went to the club with my roommate Hannah and our friend Grace. The next day I woke up super early and went to church with my friends Sajaylis and Stephanie and that was really nice because it was my first time going to church this semester and I enjoyed myself. The pastor and his wife were so nice and approachable it made me feel right at home. Then after that I went back to school and started to text Devon to see how he was doing since I hadn't talked to him since he confessed his feelings to me. That didn't go well at all we started arguing and then he yelled at me and hung up the phone. So by the time I was done with that my friends Dan and Shahyan were at our school to get me and Lindsey. To make a long story short I ended up doing a lot of firsts last night, I completed a rubiks cube and also I got really really drunk. To the point where I don't even remember half of the things that I did. Thank God I have really good friends that watch out for me and made sure that I didn't do anything super crazy, apparently I was just super funny and hit on my friend Dan a whole bunch. Which is super embarrassing because I have a crush on him so I thought it would be awkward the next day but it really wasn't, because he knows that I was super super trashed. But anyways I'm not really proud of everything that happened like the parts where I started undressing in front of my friends Ethan and Dave but Lindsey said that i didn't take my shirt off until they left so thank goodness for that. The point of this blog is for me to write about my life and the things that happen to me and the things that I experience so if this makes people look at me weird or judge me then so what cause this is my life and I should decide how I would like to live it. I don't plan on getting drunk again anytime soon and unfortunately after this week me and Devon will probably never be friends again but that's something that I just have to come to terms with. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year in my life and I need to embrace it and take it as a chance to make myself into the person that I wish to be for the rest of my life. Thanks for listening to my weekend =]

Better to have loved and lost

So today my best friend ruined everything for me by telling me that he was in love with me. The problem with that is that when we first met each other about two years ago I really liked him a lot and he did some awful things that made me stop liking him because he hurt me to bad. He flaunted his girlfriend in front of me and went as far as to bring her to my church and introduce me to her and make a big deal out of it.

Fortunately for me I was able to get over it and move on and I decided that he just wasn't the person for me. Well after she broke up with him about a year and a half ago we decided that we were gonna try and see if there was anything between us and we established that there really wasn't. After that we stopped talking for a while and then just recently or the beginning of the school year rather we decided that we really wanted to be friends and I explained to him that the only way that I could do this was if we would be friends and only friends and that's it.

He promised me that we would be just friends and that he wouldn't say anything else about us being together. Well tonight he broke that promise and it just really sucks to know that I'm hurting him so bad because what I need from our relationship is for us to be great friends and for us to talk all the time and what he need us for us to be together.

I feel selfish though because for us to even talk I need to be able to talk to him about guys and things like that, but I don't want to keep hurting him by talking about other guys that I want to have in my life when he wants to be the main guy in my life. This is just a really crappy situation because he's saying that he's known for a while that I don't see him ever being my boyfriend and that this is his problem not mine but it's still hard because I don't like the fact that he's upset and the only thing he wants is something that I can't give him.

I'm just in a really horrible situation and I hope that it gets better and I hope me and him can continue to be good friends without having to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I never thought I would say this but I've always wanted to be loved by someone and it sucks that the person who loves me is two years too late and definitely not the right one for me.

Last Night

I slept in my own bed.....for ten hours
It was amazing =]
Going back to school on Sunday is going to suck

Love letter

Dear Love,
There are so many things that I want to say to you but it's hard to get the words to come out right. I feel like I have to apologize for all of the things that I didn't experience with you all of the things that I should of waited for you to do. I'm sorry that I didn't let you in and that it took forever for me to trust you.

I'm sorry that I wanted for anything but to let you into my life and that I did everything I could to push you away. I wish that I was more courageous when it came to things like that, I wish that I could of just taken a chance and fallen for you. But there's no point in crying over spilled milk because now, Love everything is perfect for us. I wish I knew your name or could see your face, I wish that I knew your name so that I could whisper it as I slept.

I wish you could hold me tight until that moment right before we fell asleep and I slipped from under your arms cause you'd know that I sleep better alone. I can't wait for the days that we fight and scream at each other and then right before we left say I love you to each other because we know a silly fight could never break us.

I love the idea of you Love and I'm really excited to see you manifest yourself in my life. I feel like I'm finally ready for this and though it's going to be really hard it's exactly what I want, and I don't plan to search it out or look for it, I'm going to let it come to me because the love I want can't be found. Thank you for finally coming into my life Love.
Nik

today the tears fell

I cried today
I cried really hard and it felt amazing
I haven't really cried since I've been at school
I've been hurting and going through a lot and I never cried
I missed my family
I was upset about life
About people.... I don't even know what else
I was sad about people that hurt and don't have help
I was upset with the person I've been lately
And instead of putting all of those feelings farther deeper in myself
Like I've usually been doing
I actually cried
And it felt so good
I grasped my pain and it felt better than anything
I couldn't deal with not being me anymore
I had to let go and just I don't know cry
What I said in my last blog I no longer believe
I know one day I'm gonna be someones somebody
I've been upset and sad
I've been blown off and told that I'm nothing special
But I've also been told that I'm pretty
that I'm smart
I've been told that I'm special
the bad things hurt the worst but the good things are so nice to hear
the good things resonate
I have friends now
i have important people in my life now
I can't be sad about stupid things any longer
I'm allowed to cry
you can tell me what you think I am
But I can tell you who I am
I'm a 19yr old girl
I've never been in love
I've been away from my family for the last 7wks
I'm ridiculously homesick and sad at times
Lately I've been hiding my feelings and not showing how I feel
Today I let it out
I cried today
I can tell you that I am not unlovable
I can tell you that I am not ugly
I can tell you that I'm not hopeless
I'm me...I'm the person God made me to be
I'm working on myself and trying to be a good person
Trying to be an amazing person but it's hard
and I'm working on it
Screw anyone who thinks they know me
Cause I can promise you there are at least 10 important things
that you don't know
I love today
because I cried
And I'll probably cry myself to sleep
but it's ok because at least I'm crying
Thank God that I'm finally feeling again

oh Nash

This is my face
covered in freckles
with the occasional spot and some veins
This is my body
Covered in skin
but not all of it you can see
And this is my mind
it goes over and over the same old lines
And this is my brain
it's torturous
Analytical thoughts make me go insane

I use mouth wash
sometimes I floss
I've got a family
and I drink cups of tea
I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar faces
and I've got a mixed up memory
and I've got favorite places

And I'm singing at home on a Friday night
And I'm singing at home on a Friday night

And I'm singing at home on a Friday night
And I hope every thing's gonna be alright
And I'm singing at home on a Friday night
And I hope every thing's gonna be alright

This is my face
I've got a thousand opinion
And not the time,the time to explain
And this is my body
And no matter how you try to disable it
I'll still be here
And this is my mind
And though you try to infringe it
You can not confine
And this is my brain
And even if you try and hold me back
There's nothing that you can gain

Because I use mouthwash
sometimes I floss
I've got a family
And I drink cups of tea

I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar places
And I've got mixed up memories
And I've got favorite places

{This song definitely sums it up for me}

Maybe we're just alike

I thought I was different then other girls
but maybe I'm seriously not at all
Maybe I think everything about me is different
But in all reality I'm an exact copy
I wish that I knew for sure that I was something more
I wish that I could prove that I was different
I wish that all of my actions made me into a person that stood out
i wish I was a person that could be remembered
I wish I was gorgeous
Or even beautiful I would settle for that
I'm tired of being hot
Or sexy or just something to look at
I'm tired of my low self esteem
That makes me long for attention
I hate the fact that I need him for this
I hate the fact that he restarted these feelings in me
I wish I was different
I wish I had waited until my wedding day to have my first kiss
I'm still saving myself for marriage
But I guess kissing and making out slipped through that contract
I wish that I was the one they longed for
i wish I was the one that got phone calls every night
I wish I was remembered
I hate wishes because there just like expectations
wishes and expectations hate my life
I'm really not sad or depressed right now
I'm just finally coming to the realization
That I may never be that
"special someone"
for someone and that really sucks
and writing it down scares me more
writing it down makes it a real possibility
this isn't cool at all

Day I'll never forget

Today was honestly one of the most memorable days of my life
first I woke up this morning after getting 5 hours of sleep fully refreshed
because I was so excited I just couldn't sleep
Then I went and got my nose pierced
I must say that it hurt really really really bad
and then it bled a lot
But it was so worth it and weirdly enough
you get this super high adrenaline rush from getting pierced
Like afterwards I felt so alive
I felt like such a person who lived their life to the fullest
It seriously was amazing
Then the dress that I decided to wear to the concert
Ended up fitting me great
And my makeup and hair was nicely done
Then we went to the concert
And I have to say that it was seriously the highlight of my year
Pink is such an amazing performer
and since PA is her hometown she really went all out
She said that she always dreamed of performing at the wachovia center
I cried twice
First when she came on to the stage for the first time
And then when she sang Glitter in the air
I cried pretty hard lol
I just can't even explain how I feel right now
the ting tings opened for Pink
and they got us all in the mood for great music
and when she came out
I just couldn't handle it I started screaming like a phene
I'll never forget this night for as long as I live
I love Pink =]

"Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
the tip of the iceberg the sun before the burn
the thunder before the lightning the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove your not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table the walk before the run
the breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
There you are
sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee
calling me sugar
you called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
will it ever get better tonight? tonight"
Pink is amazing

Pink!

So super exciting non emo news..
I'm going to a Pink concert
on Saturday
my friend won two tickets and she's taking me
I'm so excited about it because I really love Pink
oh wait
I forgot to mention
that the Ting Tings are opening for her
I really seriously can not wait!!!!!!!
P.S. I talk to my mom the other day and it made me really happy
P.S.S. the song lyrics reminds me of how I feel when I think of my family"I miss you so much I can barely breathe"
P.S.S.S. I love God more than anything and I'm so thankful for just....everything
for every answered and unanswered prayer...especially the unanswered ones.

Inhale...exhale

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
what?????????
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
BREATHE
I can't!!
Breathe
yes you can
Breathe
Breathe
it's easy
Breathe
Breathe
Just do what I'm doing
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Inha...
Ok just shutup
I've got it
I can do this
I'm breathing

Vulnerability???

Today me and my friend Courtney had a heart to heart
And by talking to her
It told me so much things about myself
I didn't realize this was the way that I felt
I didn't know this was why I'm like this
soo the secret to my issues
can be summed up into one simple word
Vulnerability
I hate being vulnerable
we were talking about how guys make us feel in relationships
And I started rambling on about how I hate that feeling
I hate it when I can't stop thinking about them
or when I keep wanting to text them
I hate it when they call me and my face lights up
I despise the smile they put on my face
I want to rip out my heart when they make it skip a beat
and stop breathing when they touch me and it's hard to catch my breath
vulnerability..
I hate that feeling because it makes me need them
And I don't like it when I need someone
It's hard enough
That I'm needy when it comes to attention from my family
and best friends
I don't need to feel like that way towards a guy
I don't like losing control
And when I like a guy I feel like I can't control my emotions
I can't stand relying on them
or being disappointed by them
and it scares me to love them
and even more to be loved by them
My name is Nicole Magloire and I'm single because I can't accept vulnerability
I can't accept reliance
I can't accept being needy
I can't accept feeling loved
I feel like I'm addicted to being let down
Because it's so much easier to just date the wrong guy
And know that he won't call
and know that you'll never be anything serious
because
Anything serious is everything I can't have
At least not right now
I seriously get sick to my stomach
Every single time I think about being in love
Is that odd?
I'm just really scared
Yes I'm admitting it I'm super scared
and I guess that means I have to face my fear
eventually
But I just don't know when I will be able to
"Love gave someone the power to break you"
That quotes reinforces my fear of love
and so does this one
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up"
But this one
"Once in awhile in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale"
Makes me want to throw all my fears to the wind

Devin Michael Fowler

Today my beautiful first born nephew turned six years old
and I can't believe that he's gotten so big
I love him and my other nephews and niece
more than anything in this entire world
I thank God everyday for blessing me with them
I remember the day that Devin was born
I remember the first time I held him
The first time I heard him cry
I remember his first steps and the first time he said actually
I remember the first time he fell and we all held him as he cried
I remember the last time I hugged him
and he told me that he loved me a whole lot
He means so much to me
and I would go through hell and high water for him
I seriously can't even express how much I love that little boy

Feelings session

So last night my dad called me and it was really good to talk to him, and he told me how much everyone loves me and misses me. He even offered to drive 2hrs to come and get me at 10pm but I told him it was too late for that but that I appreciated the offer. I love all of those people so much and after talking to Lindsey for a while last night it just helped me figure out what's really been upsetting me lately.

Well for one I'm seriously super homesick and I didn't realize it until my mom called me earlier yesterday and I cried the whole time we were on the phone. I've never been away from my family this long and when I finally do go home it will have been two months since I saw them.

Two whole freaking months..that's like forever to me..I have a picture of Devin as the background of my laptop and that really does help to see him everyday. But I'm feeling better now that I got to talk to them and I know that I'm going home twice in Oct. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do the peace corps for two years if I can barely take two months. The most important reason that I've been really unhappy lately is because my relationship with the Lord is really not where it should be.

I pray before I go to sleep and that's it.....I barely read my bible anymore or pray throughout the day. I really need to get it together soon because that's the reason why I'm so unhappy besides the homesickness and everything else I can't handle not having God in my life..it's to hard without him.

That's the reason why I've been so mean, cold and heartless lately because I haven't been close to him and I didn't realize it. I'm usually the one that cares about peoples feelings and lately I've lost the ability to sympathize or even feel compassion for others. My roommates grandfather died...her freaking grandfather and when she would cry to me all I could think about was the homework that I had to do or what show was on TV.

What kind of person does that...hugs someone as they're breaking down but is completely detached from what they're feeling. I can't be that kind of person anymore. I have to change and the only way I can is if I build up my relationship with God again..I need to be more like him. I can't live without him. I'd rather die a horrible death then have to live in this world without God.

I'd rather die because if I don't have God in my life then I'm dead already. I know that it's going to be a long and hard process especially because recent events and the fact that I enjoy the things that I'm doing even though I know they're wrong. So I just need God to change my ways and help me to be stronger. I need to be stronger and I can't do it without him.

I was fine before you came along

So.....
He contacted me and now I'm a mess
Before when there was a possibility that he would never reach out to me
I was ok with that
I could deal with that
But this I can't deal with
Because when I get one text message or phone call I expect more
It was so much easier before I expected anything
And now I'm missing my nephews sixth birthday
I know that seems so random but
I was gonna go home but then I didn't because
my sister changed the day of the party
But now she said it's gonna be Saturday night
And since I'm away at school I can't go
This is seriously just a lot for me to take on
I'm trying to be strong and just keep things together
But it's starting to get a little bit harder
Honestly I don't know how much longer I can do this
My heart is empty
And I'm starting to become cold and I don't like it
I used to be in tune with my emotions and now
I'm just shutting them away
I hate this
I hate what I'm doing to myself
Fuck..........
I just wanna be fucking happy
is that to much to ask for
Why can't I just be happy
{sorry for my language it won't happen again}

right now

I need God more than ever.

I don't even know

The last few days have just been so hectic
I've had so much stuff to do and I had a test today and another tomorrow evening
And I'm happy that I haven't gotten stressed yet
I'm just trying to manage my time wisely
So that I don't end up being bombarded with homework
It mostly started when I was rudely woken up from my slumber
And that's like the main thing a person can do to get me in a bad mood
But now I'm over it and I'm trying not to be a negative Nancy
It was hard looking my friend in the face today
It was hard laughing and smiling with her
Knowing that I'm keeping something from her that would make her upset
I know that it's stupid because it's not that big of a deal
But I know that she would still be so pissed
Because she told me to leave him alone
And since I'm not a fan of being told what to do
I didn't leave him alone
Soooo now I have to keep it from her
and that sucks...but I'm sure I'll tell her eventually
Then I told Leah how upset I was about what Kai said
And of course she told him and he got upset and apologized
I'm not sure how sincere it was
Because he has my number and could of called me myself
But hey like I said can't expect things from people
Expectations are pretty much my favorite thing
But being disappointed isn't
and it's funny because they both work hand in hand
I'm so flawed and confused about the things that i want in life
But I'm on my way to being better at this
I'm trying to be better
I'm on my way to being smarter
Ooohhhh how I wish that my life was easier
But I'm sure I wouldn't enjoy it half as much
{my fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation}

Don't hold back

So apparently my decisions leave some baffled
I'm not the same innocent girl
That my best friends boyfriend met a year and a half ago
and he doesn't like the new me
after hearing about my weekend
He feels this way exactly
"She is out of line and I'm disappointed in her"
So I'm not judgmental at all
And when I heard about some of the things that they did
I never said anything
I didn't get upset or tell them they were out of line
I just accepted it and let her know that I'm here for her
But instead of him doing the same thing for me
He decided to make me feel horrible
And though that upsets me
I can't expect people to be as understanding as I was
I can't expect them to be as forgiving
I love how easily
People forget the mistakes they've made when the spotlights off them
isn't friendship beautiful

P.S. He still hasn't called and I'm so ok with it I don't understand why I'm ok with it but I am for some reason.....his scent is intoxicating btw I keep smelling my covers =]

What a difference

Wow the person I was the last time something like this happened......
was devastated
Crying
disappointed in myself
Believing that I was worthless
but this time
I'm so much better
I'm a big fan of expectations
But I've learned that in some situations
Having high expectations seriously suck and it can allow you to get hurt
So this time around I gave myself permission to just be reckless for once
I gave myself a get out of jail free card if you will
and it's funny because though I would like a call
I'm not expecting one so
If it never comes I won't be upset because I'm not looking for it
I feel awfully empowered at the moment
Love and likes and stuff just makes things all tricky
But when you let yourself have some fun
No sex of any kind involved
just good ole fun
You wake up with a pep in your step
Knowing that you didn't compromise yourself
Stuck to your guns and didn't do anything that you would regret
I'm so proud of myself
Because I always that if the moment presented itself
That I would break
But I didn't
And now I have some fun memories
A few little secrets and the knowledge that
I won't let another random guy break me ever again
I'm stronger than that
I'm Nicole Magloire
today is the start of a new day
and the continuance of a new me
and I like it =]

Sometimes....

So you've only kissed a guy before right??
Yep..
So like are you ok...do you wanna talk about it????
No I'm good..
Are you sure??
Yeah..it's not like we had sex or anything I'm fine..seriously {laughter}

The moral to the story is...sometimes people surprise you.

My Antsy Anthem

Weightless by All Time Low is my traveling anthem it's the song that gets me pumped when I know that I'm finally getting away going somewhere new...I love going to new places..seeing all the things that the world has to offer me....I feel like the world is a little playground that God has set before me for me to explore and play everywhere...
well anyways here's weightless read through the lyrics and if you know me at all you'll know this is everything that I feel sometimes..
Manage me I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with just because
I wanna be weightless that should be enough

Well I'm stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over getting older

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
This is my reaction to everything I fear
I've been going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here

I make believe that I impress
That every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless wanna live it up just because
I wanna feel weightless cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
This is my reaction to everything I fear
I've been going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here

This could be all I've waited for
And this could be everything I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy I'm stuck in here


{What a great song} I love it so much......right now I'm trying to study while blogging, talking to Lindsey, listen to Mayday P and texting Shareena...so I should probably go =]

Love makes you sexy

"So we made our own computer
Out of macaroni pieces
And it did our thinking
While we lived our lives
It counted up our feelings
And divided them up even
And it called our calculation
Perfect Love"
Regina Spektor is a ridiculously talented artist and I adore her music....I'm also a big fan of Missy Higgins
"So the next one came with a bag of treats
She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea
She told me don't trust them trust me
And she pulled at my stitches one by one
Looked at my insides clicking her tongue
and said this will all have to come undone"
There's few things that can instantly make me happy and one of those things is music I love listening to music, It justs does something to me...It helps me to forget all my worries and just relax for a while. Lately things have been getting better for me I'm just living and trying to stay optimistic I have to learn to find happiness in God before anything else and though I love music, dancing, family and friends I need God more than any things else. I'm a very flawed person and I'm definitely not always right about everything but I do believe that there is a God. I couldn't imagine living in such a cruel world and not believe that there is something more...something better out there. I wouldn't be able to function like that and I don't believe in God because it's easier I believe in God because he's the realest thing in my life. I believe in God because he's real.

uggghh

And so it continues
And on the story goes
The girl with the big brown eyes
And a heart sealed tight and closed

P.S. who ever said that there is something wrong with keeping your feelings in anyway? It's better than sharing them and feeling worse that you did before when you kept them bottled up inside. I'd rather go the bottle route....it's so much easier.

This must be universal

Do ever find yourself just fighting off the feelings of frustration
Sometimes I'm so close
So freaking close to just being really pissed off
and really frustrated
and annoyed
But I fight the feelings and decide to be happy
to just enjoy the moment
because I'll never get it back
I try to just enjoy the life that I was blessed with
But so many things are annoying me right now
The fact that I've been feeling really alone lately
really sucks
And believe me this is not one of those whole
cry me a river stories but
I don't know I'm always there for other people and sometimes
I just want someone to try and be there for me
But I know that people have there own problems to deal with
I just think it would be nice if someone genuinely asked about my day
every now and then
Have you ever talked to someone and felt like
They were just waiting for you to be done so that they could talk
That's how I feel all the time
Unless I'm telling a joke or being funny I'm not sure if people even listen to me
That makes me upset
Actually it hurts my feelings more than anything
Because no matter what I'm always there for people
I'm always that shoulder to lean on
"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room"
Those lyrics perfectly describe how I've been feeling lately
Surrounded by people but feeling completely alone
and out of my element
I will say that it has pushed me to look to God for comfort
I've gotten back to reading my bible more
And hopefully I can start praying more
Maybe this is his way of getting my attention
By letting me know that he is the only way that I'll ever stop feeling alone
I wish that I could cast all of my cares on him
And finally let go and allow someone to love me
But it's so hard
I'm gonna try harder I swear
I hate blogs like this...where it's all sad and weepy
I promise not to have to many blogs like this
But it's been three weeks that I've been at school so far
And I've been feeling like this for the last two weeks
So I just had to get it out somehow
I really just feel like nobody here at school cares about the things I'm doing
or the things that I care about
Even though I always genuinely care about there stuff
This just really sucks
I'm super bummed right now
I'll be fine by the morning I'm sure
i just need to find another hole
to bury all of my feelings away
cause I'm just not in the position to deal with this right now.

P.S. I need to get my eyebrows done tomorrow so I look like a beast right now with super bushy eyebrows =[ not attractive at all haha

My friend and her boyfried

They're back together

And
I'm really happy for her

he just better not ever
ever
ever
make her cry like that again
I hope he doesn't
I seriously can't ever see her like that again it was so hard
I'm happy that God has allowed me to be single for this long
and I hope that person that I finally end up with
never breaks my heart
or makes me cry until my eyes burn

Carlo Bruni Quelqu'un M'a Dit

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Refrain
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Refrain

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

Refrain
This is the song for my piece...I'm splicing it with Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap I have to show it tomorrow in class...I hope everyone likes it and if not I don't care because I'm to excited about it to change my song or anything else
P.S. If you didn't guess it's all in French =]

My family

Holy crap
I miss my family so much
It's not as bad as it was freshman year when I cried a lot
I know this because
I have yet to cry once this year and I'm proud of myself
I'm going to list everyone and say why I miss them so much
Why? you ask
because I'm obnoxious like that
Dad: I miss this old gnarly man so much it's ridiculous..he keeps me so grounded I don't know what I would do without him in my life..he keeps me positive and helps me to always refocus my life on God
Mom: This crazy little spit fire I'm so much like her it's silly and that's exactly why we butt heads sometimes because were exactly alike but she's fabulous and amazing one of the wisest women I know wouldn't of made it this far without her.

Debbie: My only sister I love her so much...and I didn't realize how much until she was almost gone this summer....I would be a mess without her..I love her for giving me to amazing nephews and such a super cool brother in law she means so much to me

Matthew: Such a cool older brother always watches out for me and has my best interest at heart I also adore him for blessing me with two more awesome nephews and an amazing sister in Law who is always there for me when I need her she always has my back I love it

Jesse: You crazy little bastard he always shows me that it's ok to make mistakes every now and then as long as you right them eventually...I'm so proud of him for finally getting his life on the right path and I hope him and his new wife have a great life together.

Jason: Though we used to fight a lot I love this little jerk a lot and he's getting married soon and I know that him and his wife will have a great life together I hope he knows how much he means to me.

Gabriel: my awesome twin and best friend out of all my siblings I'm so happy he's visiting tomorrow. I love his personality and how he always apologizes when he thinks he did something wrong he's such an amazing person I'm so happy he's my twin

Corey: Last but certainly not least...he's such a smarty pants it can be so annoying but he's the artist in the family...the thrill seeker and the one that's always trying to figure something out I love him so much and I hope one day that I have a son just like him

But seriously though I miss my nephews Dominic and Devin so much...I miss Jacob and David as well but I don't have pictures of them so heres Domo and Devin =]
Devin as the ringbearer at Matts wedding


Devin and Dominic when they were 2 and 4



Devin, Domo and Nathan there cousin at my graduation


My family means more to me than anything in this world...all I want is for all of them to be happy and to have everything that they ever dreamed for....I pray that God gives them the desires of their hearts and that he always watches and protects them...I pray that they always follow his will and use him as there steering wheel and not the spare tire...I hope they know that I love them more than anything on this earth and would give everything for them.

500 days of summer

So last night I cried.....twice. I cried because I went to go see this movie called 500 days of summer and I must admit that it was one of the best movies I've ever seen. It took you on this cool ride of emotions from being happy to sad to laughing hysterically I just can't get over how great that movie was. I think it made me cry for the same reason why he's just not that into you made me cry...a lot of the characters just remind me to much of myself. In he's just that into you Gigi pretty much encompasses everything that I am as a person. I over think things when it comes to relationships and it's really annoying and I wish I wouldn't do it but I can't help it. Also I'm a hopeless romantic just like Gigi and Tom from 500 days of summer. I know that things will work out for me one day I'm just not quite sure how or when it'll happen. After seeing that movie last night it showed me just how high I always set my expectations and it never matches up to reality and I think I'm ok with that. One day my life will be better than expectations and I won't want to sleep anymore because reality will be better than my dreams. But right now I'm happy with the way my life is going I have a group of some really amazing friends that aren't perfect by any means but they're the perfect people for me. I have the best family in the universe and I miss them all very much and I'm on my way to loving myself one day hopefully very soon. I'm excited for the way that my life is headed, I'm ready to be happy with myself and this life that I was blessed with. I think it all just comes down to me accepting the fact that I am Tom and Gigi wrapped up in one and I'm ok with that....as much as I used to complain I'm so grateful for the life that God blessed me with and I'm stoked to be the women that he created me to be.

All I see is your face

"You've got a magic inside your fingertips...it's leaking out all over my skin" That's a line from one of my favorite songs, it's called Magic and it's by Colbie Cailat and she's an amazing singer i love her to death. That song has really been on my mind a lot lately I really enjoy it, I love the way that she sings it and the words just hit home with me for some reason I don't know. Anyway this blog is supposed to be about life right? Well the truth is I don't have all the answers honestly I don't have any of the answers. I do things that I shouldn't do and sometimes say things that I shouldn't say, sometimes I'm upset with myself but sometimes there are days like last night when I'm proud of myself. I stood up to this guy and I told him pretty much everything I had to say about our relationship. How the only way we can have one at all is if we decided to only be friends and that's it. I got really honest and real with him and just explained to him that I could never like him the way that I used to ever again because of the fact that he had sex with his ex girlfriend and I can't look at him romantically anymore. Even though he took it bad at first I feel like it's setting us up to be in a place where our relationship could be really strong and I think that we could seriously be really great friends. I may not know a lot about myself and I definitely don't always know what I want but one thing I do know is that i don't ever want to be anything but friends with this guy ever again. He's horrible for me and he doesn't make me happy...and that's just to important to me. I have to be happy.

P.S. Another thing I do know is that I love Justin Long....he's so classy =]

I feel like...theres alot more

I'm not what you say to me
I'm not the way that you respond
I'm not the way that you think
or don't

Think about me

My name is Nicole
And I don't like your thoughts
the things you think but never say
I HATE your thoughts
because they make me think
and
feel
They make me feel things I might not want to feel
Your thoughts make me wonder
Your stupid
stupid
thoughts
Damn your thoughts
There always around
But no matter what I'm not your thoughts
I am not your laughter or your smile
Nor am I your condescending grins and snickers
No
I am not any of these things
I may not know exactly what I am
but I do know
What I'm not.
Today has been like the busiest day ever and it wasn't that bad because for some reason I thrive off of hectic stuff, but today I needed to vent and write this poem. I'm not even upset right now but I feel like those are feelings that I have and I'm just not expressing them the way that I need to. I thought that I might of been getting them out in my dance classes or even at the gym but I guess I was wrong.

Ok maybe I do need to vent a little bit...I feel like sometimes you don't listen to how I feel. I sit there and let you cry to me and express to me how upset you are and things like that and lately I feel like when I'm upset your just waiting for me to be done so that you can talk. I really don't like the way everything is going but since I care so much about you being happy I'm not gonna say anything, cause all you'll say is that it's not true and you do care...but as cliche as it sounds actions truly do speak louder than words and as of right now I'm not hearing anything.

Memories

I will never forget you

My distant friend

Ido

P.S....You barely know me and you knew exactly what video to tell me to watch to make my day....I love how God puts such amazing ppl in my life even if only for a short period of time.
P.S.S......We love you!!!!

Sickly beast

Sooooo today I'm pretty much the epitome of that really gross sick girl that's coughing all over the place and everyones like..are you ok while trying to keep there distance. I just took some Tylenol cold and sinus {nightime of course} so I'm sure I'll be out like a log in no time. Yesterday my friend and her boyfriend broke up and she was really upset to say the least. It made me upset that she let somebody break her and make her crumble like that I was trying to comfort her but after awhile my tough love cut in and I made her suck it up as mean as that sounds. I was really sad that she was hurting but I just couldn't let her allow a man who she only dated for a while break her spirits like that. It was so hard seeing her like that. I hope I never have to again.

You
MAKE
me
HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything here is ok

simplicity..that's what life should be about. The simple things are what's really important in life and what's really beautiful. Like this picture it's my best friends feet...but those are my shoes and my jeans so it's like both of us...it's our favorite picture right now..it's makes us really happy.. simplicity. Today was the first day of classes and though I only had two classes it was so busy and hectic I felt like I never got a break...I ended up crashing for two hrs...I highly encourage daily naps =]. Me and my roommate stayed up and decorated our dorm last night..there are pictures every where and collages I'm not sure if I love it but it's ok so I won't ask her to change anything. It's just really busy and not simple enough I guess. I want to do so many things right now..sleep..workout..go to an art exhibit...drink..idk I confuse myself a lot. Especially when it comes to drinking because I've never been drunk before but it's something about drinking that makes me feel like I'm this huge rebel. Though I've only done it three times and I told my mom the first two times I still feel like I'm this idk badass. It's a dumb concept I know but like I said I confuse myself a lot with the way I feel and my emotions are just lame so I'm really trying to spend a lot of time in reflection. I need to spend some quality time with myself...because once I really know me it'll be easier for others to know me as well. Simplicity.

I've been walking in this same way

I like picture...pictures of random things like rain on a window. I like them because it makes me stop and find the beauty in simple things, it makes me take in the world around me and enjoy the things people might not see on a regular basis. I'm back at school now at it's going really great so far. I got to enjoy hanging out with Lindsey who is my only real friend at school. Don't get me wrong I hang out with a lot of people and am friends with bunches of people but...no one knows me like she does and it's good to have that one true friend away from home. I need that here...theres so many fake people and there is so much unnecessary drama it's just super great to not have to worry about that with her. "Sometimes when I'm sad I cry but then the sun comes out and makes me happy again" That's a quote that my friend put on my door last year and it really made my day every time I saw it. Now I have it hanging up on the back of my desk and it really makes me feel good every time I see it. I like being happy I like smiling and laughing. I don't like being sad but it happens sometimes..thats why I surround myself with people that make me smile and are happy. I love my friends and will be expounding on how ""super"" they are sometime later in these blogs. tomorrow I start classes hopefully it'll all go great.

I'll write it anyway

Soooooo, in a few hours my parents will be dropping me off to begin my second year of college....yes it's true I'm a sophomore now. It's really weird I must admit, I can't believe that my life is going by so fast....middle school...high school...now college. Darn before I know it I'm going to be out of school and I'm going to have to deal with the real world. Crap!!! Is this scary? A little bit...well actually it's really scary..getting older creeps me out...I'm odd like that. Anyways I'm trying to I don't know deal with this by blogging I guess I've always wanted to blog..but for some reasons just now I actually went out on a limb and created one. So welcome to my mind I promise to be honest and annoying...I swear to be true to you and share my feelings with you. I'm not sure if this will ever be read by anyone but I'll write it anyway. I'm reminded of song lyrics...I'll paraphrase...what If I build the house and a storm comes and knocks it down..build it anyway. So here I am writing anyway..please don't be confused by the little I can promise you this won't always be sunny and filled with sunshine. Sometimes I definitely have my emo moments.