Women VS Women

It used to be impossible for me to be friends with beautiful, talented women. I was insecure and every female that I met that seemed at all like someone who could be "competition" for me, wasn't my friend.

I rated my value by the number of men that wanted my phone number or told me that I was hot or sexy that day. Disrespect? What's disrespect when someone is telling me that I'm attractive, right? I was a hurting rebel without a cause.

I mean, of course, mom and dad would always tell me that I was their baby girl...the most beautiful girls in the world, my sister and I. But to me it wasn't enough, I needed the superficial validation that came from the strangers that only knew me by what their eyes could take in.

I didn't understand why I would cry myself to sleep sometimes. Why wasn't this enough? This life that I surrounded myself with, these people that pretended to be my friends, but when I wasn't around they talked about me, the way they would talk about others with me. Friends? More like frenemies. I attracted people who were just like me, hurt people who sought out to make others feel their pain.

I remember my best friend and I, thankfully one of my only friends that was really a thoughtful and true friend, would get honked at and we would count it as a medal of honor. Someone degrading us and lowering us to little girls who's worth was equal to a honk, we thought it was everything.

But then, things changed. It didn't happen over night. But their was a point where I noticed that I had more female friends and I was able to acknowledge another woman's beauty instead of comparing them to myself.

I think it was when I started building and nurturing my faith and my relationship with God that I started to see and acknowledge my self worth. By immersing myself in him and seeking to know him more, it's in him that I was able to see the talent and beauty in myself and learn to appreciate and love it in others.

I ended up going to an all women's college and we were taught how to encourage and empower each other. We were taught to be rated by our resumes and our knowledge instead of our bodies. We were taught to raise our hands when questions were asked and to share our opinions no matter who was in the room.

Then I traveled abroad for six months and I met people that told me I was beautiful everyday and I believed them. I was able to watch other women singing songs I wanted to sing and dancing numbers I wanted to dance and feeling genuinely proud of them instead of feeling sad for myself.

Sometimes I feel the old jealousy revving up inside of me, the gossip pushing at the back of my lips, but then I realize that saying something bad about someone else does nothing for my life. Spreading gossip and emitting hate towards others in no way improves my life or builds me up as a person. In my life right now I'm surrounded by the type of people that I want to be around and I've learned that the wrong type of people are eventually weeded out.

Positivity, that's what I want to surround myself with and in order to do so I have to assure that I'm a positive person. Okay, that's all from me for tonight.

Xoxox Nik.

Brims and fillers with love and dimmers...

So I'm over flowing. Literally busting at the seems....well not literally but.

I digress.

Today I woke up earlier than usual wanting to get more out of the day. I laid in bed for 20 minutes telling myself that though my bed felt unbelievably comfortable, getting up was the best option. I got up.

My stomach growled and I ate what seemed like the worst orange I've ever had. I finished it. Then I went to the gym and ran the worst three miles of my life, it was so hard and I felt like I struggled through the whole things. I didn't stop until I did three miles.

Later I came back and cleaned the the house and ate a salad that wasn't really that good, but I ate it anyway. Then I took a shower, read an entire book and watched two episodes of Cheers, then started another book and dined on it until my Mom came home.

I think that before the time where I learned to embrace every moment, I would have looked back on today and said that I had a pretty boring day. A day filled with menial things, but instead I felt like I had a full day, a day where I was able to expand my mind, feed my body as well as my soul.

Thinking about all the things that have happened in my life lately, to the people I love and even the crazy things that are going on in the world, I feel so blessed to be able to enjoy such a low key day. A day where I didn't have to think about where my next meal was coming from or how I was going to support my family and myself, like some people in the world had to do but instead I was just able to relax.

What a gift it is to be able to relax and not only go to the gym and read one book, but actually two books. In a few weeks, I'll go back to the hustle and bustle life of being an Education Coordinator in Up With People, and I'm so excited for the new cast. To meet them and help to guide them through one of the best experiences of my life so far.

But until then, I'm enjoying this. Staying up too late and waking up after 10. Being able to workout out in the middle of the day and then come home and lay on the couch with a charming book and a cup of hot tea ( I drink hot tea all year round.) As much as I love to travel and do things that are exciting, I so love just being at home and settling into this beautiful and relaxing life.

So yes, I am filled to the brim, with life and how even when I think it's slowing down to a boring pace, that's when I'm able to look around and soak up the beauty that is laced in everything around me.

Brims and fillers...love and dimmers.

Xoxo Nik.

Steps to peace...

I have never felt so in tune with myself as I've felt this past week. I feel weightless and free for the first time in a long time and it's such an intense and odd feeling.

I wish I could get an emotional X-ray right now. One that could pinpoint every emotional and feeling and put it into a more tangible form, a form that makes more sense because right now I'm not sure how I got here.

Things definitely aren't perfect in my life right now, not at all but yet my heart is in this amazing place where the little things are just that, little and the big things are elephants waiting to be eaten one bite at a time.

Things I've been doing that may have led to this new found happiness-

1. I just finished an amazing tour. I finished this past semester feeling full of life and passion for the world and the people in it. I had no regrets and I already feel ready to go back and meet the new cast and do the whole thing over again.

2. On Sunday I went to church with my parents and I ended up getting prayer from a lady at the church. I didn't want to get prayer for myself instead I was going to ask for them to pray for a friend of mine and his family. Without even saying a word the person that prayed for me just grabbed my hand and started saying one of the sweetest and most sincere prayers I've ever heard. She just knew everything...she knew it all. She was able to pray for my friend but then she prayed for me and she asked God to heal and touch me in places that I didn't even know were hurting. It was so beautiful, really one of the most beautiful moments of my life. At the end she hugged me and it was like I was hugging my best friend, even though we had just met.

3. I've been spending a lot of time with my parents. You know, I always seem to forget that my parents love me more than I can ever imagine and I won't know how much they love me truly until I have my own kids. This last week with my parents has really been just so nice, we've been able to talk and just do so many small things together that end up being so big. I feel like our relationship is really growing to a new level and that's awesome.

4. 8 hours...that's how much I've been sleeping every single night. I've been making sure that I get at least 8 hours of sleep every night and it's been so nice. My body feels refreshed and my mind feels like it's in tip top shape and it's a pretty cool feeling, I forgot what it felt like to be so well rested.

5. I've been reading a lot. I went to the Library yesterday and got a heaping load of books and in two days I've already read three books and started the fourth one. I remember in college my English professor told us in order to be a good writer you have to read and write every single day, so that's what I'm trying to get back to, reading and writing everyday.

The other day I saw my sister in law and she told me that she thought that I had changed since the last time she saw me, she said I seemed more mature and level headed. Let me tell you, that was so nice to hear from someone who has known me since I was young and quite out of control, it's a really nice feeling when you can tell that the change you feel on the inside is visible from the outside.

Anywho, what I'm getting at with this tangent is that something is different....I don't know what it is, but whatever it is it's a welcomed change. I feel like all the pain, all the hurt and all the unspoken fears are no longer holding me back. It seems weird writing it out and trying to put words to the feeling but I feel like I'm so alive, so alive. It's amazing, definitely a welcomed changed. And you know what? Since I like it so much, I'm gonna make sure it sticks.

xoxox Nik.

Read on Jonacuff.com

"If at the end of my life, the only thing I've accomplished is a comfortable life, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing that I fought for is my own name, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I've cared about is my own care, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I've stood up for is my own reputation, than my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I've traded is works for rewards, than my days have been wasted.

May we not go to the grave quietly

May we not make refuse of the gifts we've been given.

May we never chase the shiny in place of the holy, the trend instead of the truth, the immediate instead of the eternal.

Arrive empty to the grave, having given all you were given, stewarded all you were tasked.

Give the grave only bones."

Love.

Life lessons...

This semester I learned so much about myself, I find it so incredible that this program changes the lives of so many people, even it's staff.

I learned this semester that I receive love in a different way than I give love. My main love language for receiving and feeling loved by other is quality time, by spending quality time with others I feel like I'm getting to know them better and that we have a deep connection.

When I'm showing love to others I mostly do so through physical touch and acts of kindness. I do things for the people I love, whether that's cleaning the house or just doing something small for them that I know that will make them happy. But primarily, especially in relationships, I show my feelings for others by touching them.

 But the really interesting part I think, is that I do not receive love at all through physical touch. Yes I like to be hugged and things like that, but just because someone is touching me that doesn't mean that my love tank is being filled, actually 9 times out of 10 I'm probably hoping that they will stop touching me soon. Weird.

I learned that I react so much better to things when I just breathe and relax for a second. I worked so hard this tour on not being stressed out or upset about the small things and when I had instances where I was upset about something I really pushed myself to just breathe and relax. By doing so, I found that I treated people better, reacted more rationally to things and had less regrets.

This semester I learned that as scary as it may be to open up to new people, that you know you'll have to say bye to, that the gift is so much better than the consequence. This semester I feel as if I walked away from the tour with such dear friends and I think that it's mainly because I took the guards that I so carefully placed around my heart down in order to truly experience the six months. I have to say that doing so was the best decision I made all tour.

I walked away from the semester, sad that it was over, but so glad that I was leaving with so many new friends, people that I care about and know will be in my life forever.

Another thing I learned about myself is that in order to maintain your integrity and character it has to be something you work at everyday and not just something you talk about. It's easy to maintain your integrity when you're surrounded by people and there are cameras on you, but when you're by yourself or there isn't anyone around, that's when it gets hard. That's when it's most important, it's in those moments that what you do is important.

I've learned that when I smile it means more than any other expression I could ever make.

I learned that I deserve more.

That the grass isn't greener on the other side, instead it's greener where you water it.

I learned that the best way to eat an Elephant is one bite at a time.

I learned that even your friends let you down, but that doesn't mean that they're not amazing friends.

I realized, with a lot of help, that of course the world will be a better place in 25 years because I've met so many of the people that will change it.

I learned that life happens and even when you're not paying attention the world around you is moving at an unbelievable pace.

I learned how to love and be loved in return.

What a semester.

"At the end of the day my love will flow, whether it flows out to others or is kept inward for myself is my choice. Where does your love flow?"