Tender

All I really, really want our love to do, is to bring out the best in me and in you too.--Joni Mitchell

ok..

One day I just want to do something completely reckless and absurd, and just see how many people that judge me. All the people that I made exceptions for and never treated them differently because of the decisions that they made. All the people that hold me up to this ridiculous standard that is so hard to live up to. I'm starting to get so tired of people and their largely biased double standard.

wooahhh

I had the craziest weekend,I really need to blog about it, but I don't want anyone to read it and judge me sooo...I may wait a while to talk about it.

attention dynamic

For a second I could of sworn I was on drugs. I was addicted to what was happening, I tried to leave but something kept pulling me back. I walked away floating on cloud nine hoping that it would never end. Who knows, maybe it won't.

Abby said it best

So I follow one of my really good friends from homes blog, her name is Abigail and I'm almost certain that we're the same person. She said something on her blog that made me think that she reads my diary, she summed up what i want in a few simple sentences. So instead of me rewording it to sound like my own divine device I'm just going to quote her.
"What I so desperately crave for is a man who tears down all the walls. Breaks the tape, pushes past the boundaries...tells me I am over analyzing and being completely ridiculous and over dramatic. Sometimes I wish I could say it all up front and not be afraid..but I only know what is safe. I am safe.....safe, secure and very alone."

I feel the same way. That gal is brilliant and she doesn't even know it.

Greys...

"The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was making us high, stops feeling good,and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick that habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting go hurts even worse."

Marie Claire

Yesterday While I was sitting in the newsroom at my school waiting for the paper to be sent, I came across an article in Marie Claire that this young lady had written. The article was about her dating life and how she had always equated the butterflies that she got in her stomach, to her body telling her that she must really like the guy.

Well to make a short article even shorter she goes on to explain that those weren't feelings of love and care but actually fear of losing that person or not being enough for them. She then describes the current relationship she's in and how for once in her life she's not getting butterflies, but instead finally feeling happy and secure in a relationship.

I could really relate to the things that were said in the article because that's exactly how I used to think, and still catch myself thinking at times. I think that if man doesn't give me butterflies than he obviously isn't the guy for me. If a man doesn't turn my stomach into sushi that obviously I'm not attracted to him. I've found that most bad boys give me the butterflies the most, I see them and my stomach does all kinds of flips.

Then I'll see a normal good guy and I won't feel butterflies at all. When I examine the two types of guys the good guy can be more attractive and nicer to me and just all around better, but I'd always go after the bad guy. Why?? Just for the rush, the feeling that they may not like me back or want to be around me.

But I've learned that it's so much better when you meet someone that finally gives you the time and attention you deserve. I've grown in the years that I've been in college in the way that I've learned to value myself. I've learned that butterflies were made up to make you think that they're a good thing, but they're definitely not.

The one thing that helps me to not believe in the myth of "butterfly" love anymore is to let my mind wander back to every guy I've ever had feelings for. All but one of them gave me butterflies, every single guy, except for one. Now all of those guys that gave me butterflies I knew for a long time and the treated me like nothing special, the one I knew for hardly anytime and he gave me the time of day.

Butterflies are unnecessary and superficial, but until you meet the one that makes you feel confident to be yourself, you'll never believe me.

k

It's funny that currently there are 78 of my friends online, and all I can think about is the 1 that isn't online.

My heart

Batman and his sidekick little bat

My mind at work

Today I had a weird sorta moment, and to be honest I'm not sure how to blog about it. Seeing as I haven't even put it into words for myself, and I'm not even aware of where the feelings came from. Well I'll stop going completely around the situation and just recap what happened.

I was at my schools production of Vagina Monologues sitting in the back of the theater, with the rest of the cast. My friend Hauna was on stage doing her part, Bob. Her monologue is about how a girl met a man named Bob and he taught her how to love her vagina. Now just a small disclaimer, the sadness of my day had nothing to do with me trying to love my vagina.

While she was doing her monologue, she got to the part where she talks about Bob staring at her vagina for an hour or so and telling her how beautiful it was. When I heard her I started to think about my future, and how when I get married I'm going to be having sex with only one guy for the rest of my life.

I received this large sense of approval thinking of the fact that I would love a man and he would love me back and we would be faithful to each other all of our lives. But then I started to think about all of the guys I've kissed, only three, Joe, Jon, and Garrett. And I thought about the fact that when I was younger I always said the first guy I kissed will be the last guy I kissed.

Then I began to think about the fact that I'm never going to kiss, Joe, Jon or Garrett again. Which led me to ponder the fact that they've probably already done things with so many other girls after me. When I thought about that I began to tear up, it blew my mind to come to the realization that for these three men, the encounter that they had with me honestly meant nothing.

I was just another girl on their list of chicks that they've made out with. It was very easy for me to make the decision after having that feeling to never kiss a guy that I'm not in a relationship with ever again. It hurts to see someone you've liked with someone else, especially when you feel like you meant nothing to them.

I'm to precious to be thinking that I meant nothing to someone, especially someone that meant something to me. I really like myself, and spending time with certain people has shown me that I'm a very likable girl. I'm smart, funny, outgoing, beautiful and very talented.

That's not me being conceited either, I struggle everyday to have the confidence to walk with my head held high, and to appreciate myself the way that God made me. I have to remember the way that people have made me feel, and the nice things others have said to me just to be nice and with no ulterior motives.

For now on I'm not going to give a guy the power to make me feel bad about myself. The power to make me feel like I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough. I know who I am and I love it.

I want to meet someone that chases me and shows me that he's willing to wait to do things with me because he desires to be in my life that bad. I want someone to make me feel comfortable to be myself again, I want someone to remind me of that feeling that I had that day. Pretty much I want someone to be in my life for good, and I don't want them or myself to have to worry about who there with when we're no longer together.

In a nutshell, all I'm saying, is that i can't wait until I'm finally, irreplaceable.

..

My goal is to find out what my niche is. I am a journalist, but in order to be an effective journalist, I must have a niche. So excuse me while i go locate mine.

Nicole 101

I hate when I'm playing music and people put there headphones in and blast their ipods super loud, interfering with my music. I get attached to people way to easily. I immediately trust people and look for the best in them, I can spend 10 minutes with someone and remember and think about them for months. I don't believe that people get attached to me at all, I always believe that everyone in my life is going to leave me eventually.

I will do anything for my friends, I'll do for them before I do for myself, and I'm always there for them no matter what. I hate to disappoint people, so when I think that someone is upset and disappointed in me it really eats me alive. I hate it when people don't go out of their way for me. I really love my friends parents, and all of my adult figures, I carry them in high esteem and love to make the best impressions on them, and show them the utmost respect. I love corn. I love to see my name written on paper and on articles and drawn on random pieces of papers.

Vaginas terrify me. The idea of sex outside of marriage makes me want to cry my eyes out. I love Ponds face lotions. I love drinking hot tea. I love making hot tea for my dad when I'm home from school. I love making up stupid games to play with my little brother. I love church. I love writing, I want to write for the rest of my life. I love to dance, I want to dance for the rest of my life.

I'm really proud of all of my siblings and what they've accomplished. I still think about my nephew that passed away three years ago. Random cute things make me cry. Random sad things make me cry. Random anything..can make me cry. New York is my absolute favorite place in the entire universe. One day I'm going to work for the New York Times.

I love it when my mom makes me dinner. I want to be just like my mom one day. I think my mom is crazy, and that's my favorite thing about her. My mom wants to lose weight, but I like her the way she is and would cry if she did. I want to dress like my mom when I'm older. I hope to be half as good a mom as my mother is one day.

I want to marry a guy just like my father. I think my dad is hilarious. When my dad randomly calls, texts, or tells me he loves me it makes me proud to have such an amazing dad. I love the fact that all of my friends adore my father. I think my dad has boss style.

I don't understand myself. Sometimes I scare myself with the things I say. I wish that I had a closer relationship with God. The fact that someone liked me for ME changed my whole entire outlook on myself forever. I constantly wonder if God knows how much I actually love him since I don't always show it. I plan to be something one day, currently I'm at the 'some' part, just have to add the 'thing'.

A modern day love story

Today I came back from New York City with a story to tell. A story about a girl and a boy and a love that grew that will last a lifetime. Yesterday March 15th 2010 I met a boy, and his name is Grant. Now one thing you must understand about this boy is that he wasn't just an ordinary boy. I met him by chance is a session called "Life at a literary journal" he was sitting in the back, and I sat beside him.

Grant was wearing an orange plaid shirt, straight leg light jeans and brown shoes. I was automatically drawn to his tattoos and sense of style but, guys like that, I thought, are out of my league. The session hadn't started yet and I was waiting for my chance to start talking to him, I almost complimented his shirt, then his shoes, and then his jeans, but I ended up instead complimenting his tattoo. I said "I really like that tattoo on your hand," he replied thanks and I followed up with "What made you get a tattoo there?" He then began to tell me a story about how when he was a child he gave himself a tattoo so when he got older he covered it up with something nicer. I was hooked at that moment.

We then began to chit chat about all the tattoos he had, 7, and then the session started. This session was horribly boring and I began to talk to him about how bored I was. he laughed with his deep full voice and said he was as well. He laughed at all of my stupid jokes, that I usually only make with true friends, and didn't roll his eyes or call me immature for pretending the speaker was a T-rex. After the session I said it was nice meeting you and began to walk away, but he followed up with, is it lunch time yet? This led to me telling him no, and him starting up a conversation and spending the next two hours with me in the next session.

Now I must add that this man was beautiful and all of my, way more gorgeous than me, friends agreed. And the thing that baffles me is, he wasn't interested in them, but for once, the handsome guy was talking to me. We talked down the escalator and cracked jokes through the entire Keynote speaker session and we even cracked jokes as he gave me his number. We were supposed to hangout that night but we ended up not being able to, thinking that he blew me off I ignored him when I saw him at first the next day. But, just like I assumed a guy like him would, he approached me asking me how my night went, explaining that he fell asleep early. We talked for a little and not sure if we'd see each other again we embraced, and it was nice.

Now one would think that after reading this story, that the love alluded to in the title was between Grant and I but it actually wasn't. Don't get me wrong Grant is handsome and charming and thinks that the real Nicole is funny, which makes me adore him, but after today I feel in love with myself. From the moment I met Grant I was completely ME, and that has never happened with me and a guy before.

I've always pretended at first to be this really sarcastic or really smart or super hilarious Nicole, instead of the Nicole that is a balanced mixture of the three. I didn't hide my weird side and didn't text him over and over or stress when he didn't end up hanging out with us. I saw that I finally was spending time with a super gorgeous guy of my dreams, pretty much, and I didn't have to pretend to be someone else to do it. Today was a defining moment for me in the way that I will never pretend for a guy ever again.

If someone can't accept the weird, quirky, goofy, and outrageous Nicole that I am, than they don't deserve my time. Grant made me feel comfortable to be myself and I really appreciated that. I don't know if I'll ever see or speak to him again. But if I don't, it's fine, because I'll always have the memories of the first time I was truly able to be myself with a guy and not worry about how he would perceive me. The funniest part is that I never even considered being fake with him and he accepted me, the way that I am, and to me that's the definition of a modern day love story.

Defining moment

You know that moment that happens, when you realize that the career that you've always wanted is actually starting to take off. When all the things that you've been chasing after are finally in your grasp, you can't actually grab it yet, but you can touch it.

I've been writing all my life, and since second semester freshman year, I changed from being a Pre-med major to being a Communication major, with the intent of being a journalist. I know that it was Gods plan for me to go into communication because the thought randomly came to me one night, that I should change my major to communication.

When I got the idea I didn't question it at all, I just said "wow communication, ok I can do that," and ever since then I've had my mind set on moving to New York City and writing for a major publication and being on Broadway.

Now it's like my dreams are actually coming true, I have the opportunity to interview some people that are on a prestigious level of success in their industry and I can hardly believe it. I have to give all the thanks to God for bringing so many people into my life that can help me in my field. Also for giving me the drive and initiative to become more than what I grew up around. I hope I never forget the feeling that I have right now, I'm actually going to make it and if I keep holding on to God there won't be anything that can hold me back.

1 John 4:4 Greater is he that is in my, than he that is in the world.

Who?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt.

hmm

Have you ever been in that place, where you miss someone that you know you shouldn't. Someone that you know is awful for you, and you really shouldn't want to see anymore, but you can't help it. I've been facebook creeping lately and it just makes the feelings worse, and I miss him and I know I shouldn't because he's awful and rude and crazy. All the reasons why I shouldn't miss him are the same exact reasons why I miss him.

Hello

This fickle, naive, impatient girl is very happy. Gotta love the person you are before you expect anyone else to love you. Learning to love me. A very good friend of mine once said that you have to dig up all the things that hurt you, before you can be happy with the person you are. Well I'm digging away and while holding on tightly to the hand of my Saviour I'm growing and getting past all the hurts. Loving who I am, the way that I am.

Truth

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

I miss him so much sometimes.