Inhale...exhale

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
what?????????
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
BREATHE
I can't!!
Breathe
yes you can
Breathe
Breathe
it's easy
Breathe
Breathe
Just do what I'm doing
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Inha...
Ok just shutup
I've got it
I can do this
I'm breathing

Vulnerability???

Today me and my friend Courtney had a heart to heart
And by talking to her
It told me so much things about myself
I didn't realize this was the way that I felt
I didn't know this was why I'm like this
soo the secret to my issues
can be summed up into one simple word
Vulnerability
I hate being vulnerable
we were talking about how guys make us feel in relationships
And I started rambling on about how I hate that feeling
I hate it when I can't stop thinking about them
or when I keep wanting to text them
I hate it when they call me and my face lights up
I despise the smile they put on my face
I want to rip out my heart when they make it skip a beat
and stop breathing when they touch me and it's hard to catch my breath
vulnerability..
I hate that feeling because it makes me need them
And I don't like it when I need someone
It's hard enough
That I'm needy when it comes to attention from my family
and best friends
I don't need to feel like that way towards a guy
I don't like losing control
And when I like a guy I feel like I can't control my emotions
I can't stand relying on them
or being disappointed by them
and it scares me to love them
and even more to be loved by them
My name is Nicole Magloire and I'm single because I can't accept vulnerability
I can't accept reliance
I can't accept being needy
I can't accept feeling loved
I feel like I'm addicted to being let down
Because it's so much easier to just date the wrong guy
And know that he won't call
and know that you'll never be anything serious
because
Anything serious is everything I can't have
At least not right now
I seriously get sick to my stomach
Every single time I think about being in love
Is that odd?
I'm just really scared
Yes I'm admitting it I'm super scared
and I guess that means I have to face my fear
eventually
But I just don't know when I will be able to
"Love gave someone the power to break you"
That quotes reinforces my fear of love
and so does this one
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up"
But this one
"Once in awhile in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale"
Makes me want to throw all my fears to the wind

Devin Michael Fowler

Today my beautiful first born nephew turned six years old
and I can't believe that he's gotten so big
I love him and my other nephews and niece
more than anything in this entire world
I thank God everyday for blessing me with them
I remember the day that Devin was born
I remember the first time I held him
The first time I heard him cry
I remember his first steps and the first time he said actually
I remember the first time he fell and we all held him as he cried
I remember the last time I hugged him
and he told me that he loved me a whole lot
He means so much to me
and I would go through hell and high water for him
I seriously can't even express how much I love that little boy

Feelings session

So last night my dad called me and it was really good to talk to him, and he told me how much everyone loves me and misses me. He even offered to drive 2hrs to come and get me at 10pm but I told him it was too late for that but that I appreciated the offer. I love all of those people so much and after talking to Lindsey for a while last night it just helped me figure out what's really been upsetting me lately.

Well for one I'm seriously super homesick and I didn't realize it until my mom called me earlier yesterday and I cried the whole time we were on the phone. I've never been away from my family this long and when I finally do go home it will have been two months since I saw them.

Two whole freaking months..that's like forever to me..I have a picture of Devin as the background of my laptop and that really does help to see him everyday. But I'm feeling better now that I got to talk to them and I know that I'm going home twice in Oct. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do the peace corps for two years if I can barely take two months. The most important reason that I've been really unhappy lately is because my relationship with the Lord is really not where it should be.

I pray before I go to sleep and that's it.....I barely read my bible anymore or pray throughout the day. I really need to get it together soon because that's the reason why I'm so unhappy besides the homesickness and everything else I can't handle not having God in my life..it's to hard without him.

That's the reason why I've been so mean, cold and heartless lately because I haven't been close to him and I didn't realize it. I'm usually the one that cares about peoples feelings and lately I've lost the ability to sympathize or even feel compassion for others. My roommates grandfather died...her freaking grandfather and when she would cry to me all I could think about was the homework that I had to do or what show was on TV.

What kind of person does that...hugs someone as they're breaking down but is completely detached from what they're feeling. I can't be that kind of person anymore. I have to change and the only way I can is if I build up my relationship with God again..I need to be more like him. I can't live without him. I'd rather die a horrible death then have to live in this world without God.

I'd rather die because if I don't have God in my life then I'm dead already. I know that it's going to be a long and hard process especially because recent events and the fact that I enjoy the things that I'm doing even though I know they're wrong. So I just need God to change my ways and help me to be stronger. I need to be stronger and I can't do it without him.

I was fine before you came along

So.....
He contacted me and now I'm a mess
Before when there was a possibility that he would never reach out to me
I was ok with that
I could deal with that
But this I can't deal with
Because when I get one text message or phone call I expect more
It was so much easier before I expected anything
And now I'm missing my nephews sixth birthday
I know that seems so random but
I was gonna go home but then I didn't because
my sister changed the day of the party
But now she said it's gonna be Saturday night
And since I'm away at school I can't go
This is seriously just a lot for me to take on
I'm trying to be strong and just keep things together
But it's starting to get a little bit harder
Honestly I don't know how much longer I can do this
My heart is empty
And I'm starting to become cold and I don't like it
I used to be in tune with my emotions and now
I'm just shutting them away
I hate this
I hate what I'm doing to myself
Fuck..........
I just wanna be fucking happy
is that to much to ask for
Why can't I just be happy
{sorry for my language it won't happen again}

right now

I need God more than ever.

I don't even know

The last few days have just been so hectic
I've had so much stuff to do and I had a test today and another tomorrow evening
And I'm happy that I haven't gotten stressed yet
I'm just trying to manage my time wisely
So that I don't end up being bombarded with homework
It mostly started when I was rudely woken up from my slumber
And that's like the main thing a person can do to get me in a bad mood
But now I'm over it and I'm trying not to be a negative Nancy
It was hard looking my friend in the face today
It was hard laughing and smiling with her
Knowing that I'm keeping something from her that would make her upset
I know that it's stupid because it's not that big of a deal
But I know that she would still be so pissed
Because she told me to leave him alone
And since I'm not a fan of being told what to do
I didn't leave him alone
Soooo now I have to keep it from her
and that sucks...but I'm sure I'll tell her eventually
Then I told Leah how upset I was about what Kai said
And of course she told him and he got upset and apologized
I'm not sure how sincere it was
Because he has my number and could of called me myself
But hey like I said can't expect things from people
Expectations are pretty much my favorite thing
But being disappointed isn't
and it's funny because they both work hand in hand
I'm so flawed and confused about the things that i want in life
But I'm on my way to being better at this
I'm trying to be better
I'm on my way to being smarter
Ooohhhh how I wish that my life was easier
But I'm sure I wouldn't enjoy it half as much
{my fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation}

Don't hold back

So apparently my decisions leave some baffled
I'm not the same innocent girl
That my best friends boyfriend met a year and a half ago
and he doesn't like the new me
after hearing about my weekend
He feels this way exactly
"She is out of line and I'm disappointed in her"
So I'm not judgmental at all
And when I heard about some of the things that they did
I never said anything
I didn't get upset or tell them they were out of line
I just accepted it and let her know that I'm here for her
But instead of him doing the same thing for me
He decided to make me feel horrible
And though that upsets me
I can't expect people to be as understanding as I was
I can't expect them to be as forgiving
I love how easily
People forget the mistakes they've made when the spotlights off them
isn't friendship beautiful

P.S. He still hasn't called and I'm so ok with it I don't understand why I'm ok with it but I am for some reason.....his scent is intoxicating btw I keep smelling my covers =]

What a difference

Wow the person I was the last time something like this happened......
was devastated
Crying
disappointed in myself
Believing that I was worthless
but this time
I'm so much better
I'm a big fan of expectations
But I've learned that in some situations
Having high expectations seriously suck and it can allow you to get hurt
So this time around I gave myself permission to just be reckless for once
I gave myself a get out of jail free card if you will
and it's funny because though I would like a call
I'm not expecting one so
If it never comes I won't be upset because I'm not looking for it
I feel awfully empowered at the moment
Love and likes and stuff just makes things all tricky
But when you let yourself have some fun
No sex of any kind involved
just good ole fun
You wake up with a pep in your step
Knowing that you didn't compromise yourself
Stuck to your guns and didn't do anything that you would regret
I'm so proud of myself
Because I always that if the moment presented itself
That I would break
But I didn't
And now I have some fun memories
A few little secrets and the knowledge that
I won't let another random guy break me ever again
I'm stronger than that
I'm Nicole Magloire
today is the start of a new day
and the continuance of a new me
and I like it =]

Sometimes....

So you've only kissed a guy before right??
Yep..
So like are you ok...do you wanna talk about it????
No I'm good..
Are you sure??
Yeah..it's not like we had sex or anything I'm fine..seriously {laughter}

The moral to the story is...sometimes people surprise you.

My Antsy Anthem

Weightless by All Time Low is my traveling anthem it's the song that gets me pumped when I know that I'm finally getting away going somewhere new...I love going to new places..seeing all the things that the world has to offer me....I feel like the world is a little playground that God has set before me for me to explore and play everywhere...
well anyways here's weightless read through the lyrics and if you know me at all you'll know this is everything that I feel sometimes..
Manage me I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with just because
I wanna be weightless that should be enough

Well I'm stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over getting older

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
This is my reaction to everything I fear
I've been going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here

I make believe that I impress
That every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless wanna live it up just because
I wanna feel weightless cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
This is my reaction to everything I fear
I've been going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here

This could be all I've waited for
And this could be everything I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy I'm stuck in here


{What a great song} I love it so much......right now I'm trying to study while blogging, talking to Lindsey, listen to Mayday P and texting Shareena...so I should probably go =]

Love makes you sexy

"So we made our own computer
Out of macaroni pieces
And it did our thinking
While we lived our lives
It counted up our feelings
And divided them up even
And it called our calculation
Perfect Love"
Regina Spektor is a ridiculously talented artist and I adore her music....I'm also a big fan of Missy Higgins
"So the next one came with a bag of treats
She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea
She told me don't trust them trust me
And she pulled at my stitches one by one
Looked at my insides clicking her tongue
and said this will all have to come undone"
There's few things that can instantly make me happy and one of those things is music I love listening to music, It justs does something to me...It helps me to forget all my worries and just relax for a while. Lately things have been getting better for me I'm just living and trying to stay optimistic I have to learn to find happiness in God before anything else and though I love music, dancing, family and friends I need God more than any things else. I'm a very flawed person and I'm definitely not always right about everything but I do believe that there is a God. I couldn't imagine living in such a cruel world and not believe that there is something more...something better out there. I wouldn't be able to function like that and I don't believe in God because it's easier I believe in God because he's the realest thing in my life. I believe in God because he's real.

uggghh

And so it continues
And on the story goes
The girl with the big brown eyes
And a heart sealed tight and closed

P.S. who ever said that there is something wrong with keeping your feelings in anyway? It's better than sharing them and feeling worse that you did before when you kept them bottled up inside. I'd rather go the bottle route....it's so much easier.

This must be universal

Do ever find yourself just fighting off the feelings of frustration
Sometimes I'm so close
So freaking close to just being really pissed off
and really frustrated
and annoyed
But I fight the feelings and decide to be happy
to just enjoy the moment
because I'll never get it back
I try to just enjoy the life that I was blessed with
But so many things are annoying me right now
The fact that I've been feeling really alone lately
really sucks
And believe me this is not one of those whole
cry me a river stories but
I don't know I'm always there for other people and sometimes
I just want someone to try and be there for me
But I know that people have there own problems to deal with
I just think it would be nice if someone genuinely asked about my day
every now and then
Have you ever talked to someone and felt like
They were just waiting for you to be done so that they could talk
That's how I feel all the time
Unless I'm telling a joke or being funny I'm not sure if people even listen to me
That makes me upset
Actually it hurts my feelings more than anything
Because no matter what I'm always there for people
I'm always that shoulder to lean on
"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room"
Those lyrics perfectly describe how I've been feeling lately
Surrounded by people but feeling completely alone
and out of my element
I will say that it has pushed me to look to God for comfort
I've gotten back to reading my bible more
And hopefully I can start praying more
Maybe this is his way of getting my attention
By letting me know that he is the only way that I'll ever stop feeling alone
I wish that I could cast all of my cares on him
And finally let go and allow someone to love me
But it's so hard
I'm gonna try harder I swear
I hate blogs like this...where it's all sad and weepy
I promise not to have to many blogs like this
But it's been three weeks that I've been at school so far
And I've been feeling like this for the last two weeks
So I just had to get it out somehow
I really just feel like nobody here at school cares about the things I'm doing
or the things that I care about
Even though I always genuinely care about there stuff
This just really sucks
I'm super bummed right now
I'll be fine by the morning I'm sure
i just need to find another hole
to bury all of my feelings away
cause I'm just not in the position to deal with this right now.

P.S. I need to get my eyebrows done tomorrow so I look like a beast right now with super bushy eyebrows =[ not attractive at all haha

My friend and her boyfried

They're back together

And
I'm really happy for her

he just better not ever
ever
ever
make her cry like that again
I hope he doesn't
I seriously can't ever see her like that again it was so hard
I'm happy that God has allowed me to be single for this long
and I hope that person that I finally end up with
never breaks my heart
or makes me cry until my eyes burn

Carlo Bruni Quelqu'un M'a Dit

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Refrain
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Refrain

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

Refrain
This is the song for my piece...I'm splicing it with Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap I have to show it tomorrow in class...I hope everyone likes it and if not I don't care because I'm to excited about it to change my song or anything else
P.S. If you didn't guess it's all in French =]

My family

Holy crap
I miss my family so much
It's not as bad as it was freshman year when I cried a lot
I know this because
I have yet to cry once this year and I'm proud of myself
I'm going to list everyone and say why I miss them so much
Why? you ask
because I'm obnoxious like that
Dad: I miss this old gnarly man so much it's ridiculous..he keeps me so grounded I don't know what I would do without him in my life..he keeps me positive and helps me to always refocus my life on God
Mom: This crazy little spit fire I'm so much like her it's silly and that's exactly why we butt heads sometimes because were exactly alike but she's fabulous and amazing one of the wisest women I know wouldn't of made it this far without her.

Debbie: My only sister I love her so much...and I didn't realize how much until she was almost gone this summer....I would be a mess without her..I love her for giving me to amazing nephews and such a super cool brother in law she means so much to me

Matthew: Such a cool older brother always watches out for me and has my best interest at heart I also adore him for blessing me with two more awesome nephews and an amazing sister in Law who is always there for me when I need her she always has my back I love it

Jesse: You crazy little bastard he always shows me that it's ok to make mistakes every now and then as long as you right them eventually...I'm so proud of him for finally getting his life on the right path and I hope him and his new wife have a great life together.

Jason: Though we used to fight a lot I love this little jerk a lot and he's getting married soon and I know that him and his wife will have a great life together I hope he knows how much he means to me.

Gabriel: my awesome twin and best friend out of all my siblings I'm so happy he's visiting tomorrow. I love his personality and how he always apologizes when he thinks he did something wrong he's such an amazing person I'm so happy he's my twin

Corey: Last but certainly not least...he's such a smarty pants it can be so annoying but he's the artist in the family...the thrill seeker and the one that's always trying to figure something out I love him so much and I hope one day that I have a son just like him

But seriously though I miss my nephews Dominic and Devin so much...I miss Jacob and David as well but I don't have pictures of them so heres Domo and Devin =]
Devin as the ringbearer at Matts wedding


Devin and Dominic when they were 2 and 4



Devin, Domo and Nathan there cousin at my graduation


My family means more to me than anything in this world...all I want is for all of them to be happy and to have everything that they ever dreamed for....I pray that God gives them the desires of their hearts and that he always watches and protects them...I pray that they always follow his will and use him as there steering wheel and not the spare tire...I hope they know that I love them more than anything on this earth and would give everything for them.

500 days of summer

So last night I cried.....twice. I cried because I went to go see this movie called 500 days of summer and I must admit that it was one of the best movies I've ever seen. It took you on this cool ride of emotions from being happy to sad to laughing hysterically I just can't get over how great that movie was. I think it made me cry for the same reason why he's just not that into you made me cry...a lot of the characters just remind me to much of myself. In he's just that into you Gigi pretty much encompasses everything that I am as a person. I over think things when it comes to relationships and it's really annoying and I wish I wouldn't do it but I can't help it. Also I'm a hopeless romantic just like Gigi and Tom from 500 days of summer. I know that things will work out for me one day I'm just not quite sure how or when it'll happen. After seeing that movie last night it showed me just how high I always set my expectations and it never matches up to reality and I think I'm ok with that. One day my life will be better than expectations and I won't want to sleep anymore because reality will be better than my dreams. But right now I'm happy with the way my life is going I have a group of some really amazing friends that aren't perfect by any means but they're the perfect people for me. I have the best family in the universe and I miss them all very much and I'm on my way to loving myself one day hopefully very soon. I'm excited for the way that my life is headed, I'm ready to be happy with myself and this life that I was blessed with. I think it all just comes down to me accepting the fact that I am Tom and Gigi wrapped up in one and I'm ok with that....as much as I used to complain I'm so grateful for the life that God blessed me with and I'm stoked to be the women that he created me to be.

All I see is your face

"You've got a magic inside your fingertips...it's leaking out all over my skin" That's a line from one of my favorite songs, it's called Magic and it's by Colbie Cailat and she's an amazing singer i love her to death. That song has really been on my mind a lot lately I really enjoy it, I love the way that she sings it and the words just hit home with me for some reason I don't know. Anyway this blog is supposed to be about life right? Well the truth is I don't have all the answers honestly I don't have any of the answers. I do things that I shouldn't do and sometimes say things that I shouldn't say, sometimes I'm upset with myself but sometimes there are days like last night when I'm proud of myself. I stood up to this guy and I told him pretty much everything I had to say about our relationship. How the only way we can have one at all is if we decided to only be friends and that's it. I got really honest and real with him and just explained to him that I could never like him the way that I used to ever again because of the fact that he had sex with his ex girlfriend and I can't look at him romantically anymore. Even though he took it bad at first I feel like it's setting us up to be in a place where our relationship could be really strong and I think that we could seriously be really great friends. I may not know a lot about myself and I definitely don't always know what I want but one thing I do know is that i don't ever want to be anything but friends with this guy ever again. He's horrible for me and he doesn't make me happy...and that's just to important to me. I have to be happy.

P.S. Another thing I do know is that I love Justin Long....he's so classy =]

I feel like...theres alot more

I'm not what you say to me
I'm not the way that you respond
I'm not the way that you think
or don't

Think about me

My name is Nicole
And I don't like your thoughts
the things you think but never say
I HATE your thoughts
because they make me think
and
feel
They make me feel things I might not want to feel
Your thoughts make me wonder
Your stupid
stupid
thoughts
Damn your thoughts
There always around
But no matter what I'm not your thoughts
I am not your laughter or your smile
Nor am I your condescending grins and snickers
No
I am not any of these things
I may not know exactly what I am
but I do know
What I'm not.
Today has been like the busiest day ever and it wasn't that bad because for some reason I thrive off of hectic stuff, but today I needed to vent and write this poem. I'm not even upset right now but I feel like those are feelings that I have and I'm just not expressing them the way that I need to. I thought that I might of been getting them out in my dance classes or even at the gym but I guess I was wrong.

Ok maybe I do need to vent a little bit...I feel like sometimes you don't listen to how I feel. I sit there and let you cry to me and express to me how upset you are and things like that and lately I feel like when I'm upset your just waiting for me to be done so that you can talk. I really don't like the way everything is going but since I care so much about you being happy I'm not gonna say anything, cause all you'll say is that it's not true and you do care...but as cliche as it sounds actions truly do speak louder than words and as of right now I'm not hearing anything.