Dia numero uno

So the title is supposed to say day number one but my Spanish is faulty so who knows what it says.

Day one in Denver and so far so wonderful. It started off a little rocky I guess because saying bye to my parents this time around was so difficult. I cried once I got through security and I was pretty upset for a while.

I'm not sure why it hit me so hard this time. I'm really used to being away from home after living at college for four years and not visiting often, but for some reason this felt a lot more permanent and I missed them immediately. I'll call them tomorrow though and think that will make things better.

I'm so excited about my living situation, I'm staying between two homes, my host mother from when I traveled and my host grandparents. Being able to live with people I know for these two months and two weeks is so helpful for me because I feel like I'm at my home away from home. It really makes adjusting to life on the road again much easier.

I start back in UWP life tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I'm doing yet, but I'm sure I'll be filled in as soon as I get there. Seeing Marloes, who I traveled with, at the airport today was so nice and it felt like barely any time had passed at all. I'm really looking forward to seeing all the office staff tomorrow and hanging out with some of my favorite people.

Denver is just as beautiful as I remembered it. I'm so happy to be back and to be able to breathe in the air and spend time in the presence of mountains.

Life is good right now, actually life is wonderful and I have absolutely no complaints.

Denver Bound

So tomorrow I leave for Denver....I'm beyond excited about this. At first I was so nervous and I just didn't know what things were gonna be like but now I'm ready for it and I'm prepared for this journey.

I talked to my parents and they are being so supportive and they told me that they know that I'm making the right decision. I feel like I should write more and I really want too but my mind is all over the place and I feel like I should calm my excited nerves and just try and sleep.

I plan to write all the time when I'm in Denver and hopefully I'll get what I'm searching for. God has a plan for me in this world and I'm ready to start fulfilling it.

Over and Out. Nik.

These last two weeks have been absolute madness. I have so much to write about and I feel like a horrible neglectful blogger because I haven't been on here for a little bit but tomorrow night I plan to update a bit. I head to Denver on Tuesday and I'm very excited. More tomorrow night.

xoxox. Nik.

Changes...

I think that when a person finds that they're in a position where they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, a change of scenery is necessary.

I think that when a person can't seem to escape the rules and expectations of the people around them and can't seem to live their own life, a change of scenery is necessary.

I think that when a person wants to start over, become the person that they always wanted to be, take a break from the people they know and get to know themselves again, then a change of scenery is necessary.

This time next week, I will be in Denver, Colorado. Not sure where I'm staying yet, or what my schedule will look like, or what my first day will be like, but I'll be in Denver.

Denver has the cleanest air. Whenever people ask me what I like the most about Denver, the first thing that comes to my mind is how clean the air is. The altitude makes visitors thankful for oxygen and reminds you how important it is to our daily functions of life.

I think humans are so accustomed to breathing that when it's hard for us to breathe it's really difficult to grasp. When I first went to Denver it was hard to breathe because I wasn't used to being at such a high altitude. Now whenever I think about being back in Denver, in a week, I breathe a little easier. When I get off that plane the first thing I'm going to do is inhale so deep.

I'm going to miss my family so much and the fact that my parents are struggling with the move makes it hard for me, I'm sure I've said this before, but it just makes it that more important that I'm brave and take a leap of faith.

I need to be in Denver. I need to just be outside of Pennsylvania and the East Coast for a while, to breathe a little easier and to figure myself out again. For some reason my time in Up With People, really helped me to better get to know myself. It helped me to see what I'm made of and exactly how much I can handle.

I'm sure I'll cry on the plane to Denver, as I say bye to my family and friends, but once I get there I plan to jump into life. Run, with my eyes closed, into what is waiting for me.

I'm so ready for this move, as scared as I may be, it doesn't matter because this is my life and I need to do this. I'm so ready, May 29th can't come fast enough.

Harvest Chapel

Church today was absolutely wonderful and exactly what I needed right now. The message touched my heart on many levels and renewed my faith and put me on the step to better thinking.

My mother told me during church, she leaned over and whispered, "You're going to have a wonderful life." I believe her too, I know that my plans are nothing compared to the plans that God has for me.

Last night I was upset about leaving and being away from my family for large periods of time but today I realized that I just need to increase my faith and be brave. I'll always be able to come home, no matter how far I go my family will always welcome me back with open arms.

Right now I just need to do what's best for me and my future and that is to follow my heart and take this move and let it improve my life as much as it can. Nothing but good things are going to come out of this decision and I'll be fine, I'll be a stronger person after all of it.

I always bring my Teddy bear with me whenever I go away from home and go on long trips and last night I decided that I'm not taking Teddy when I leave on the 29th. Instead I'm just going to hold fast to my faith and let God calm my nerves and my heart while I'm away from home so that I can be reminded that no matter where I go in this world the Lord is always with me.

God can do more for me than I can ever do for myself, I'm starting to realize that now. He loves me more than my parents love me, more than my friends and even more than I love myself. If I can just let him have full reign over my life I know that he'll only guide me to things that will make me happy.

I'm very excited about what the God has to offer me and how I plan to live the rest of my life in this world. I'm crazy enough to believe that I have power to change this world, and you know what they say about people with that kind of craziness.

Until next time folks. God bless.

The defiance of the different

"Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don't be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don't settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place."

Exactly what I needed to read right now. Lord take my dreams and give them wings, help me change this place.

May 19

Something really big happened today. My childhood best friend got married. It was a crazy day and she looked so beautiful, so absolutely beautiful. I pulled a 27 dresses and looked at her groom when she walked down the aisle instead of her and he was so happy....so unbelievably happy.

I could tell by his face that he was more than ready to make her his wife. I was so glad to be there and to be able to celebrate such a special day with both of them.

After the wedding, once I got home I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and, sorry for those who haven't watched it yet, Lexie dies and Mark has to say bye to her.

Now when I was watching this I couldn't help but cry because the character Mark loved Lexie but didn't tell her until it was too late. It just reminded me that life is so short and you have to jump on it and do and say what you feel.

I used to think that my friend was too young to get married. That she needed to wait until she had grown up and explored the world, but then I realized love is the greatest thing that anyone can ever experience. If you've found the one you love, why not settle down with them and start a life together.

The world isn't going anywhere but they might. If you love someone tell them, because who knows what tomorrow holds and soon it could be too late.

Live your life to the fullest that you can live it. Don't be afraid of getting hurt. Don't hold grudges, don't take the anger you feel towards one person out on others. Say sorry when you do something wrong, keep in touch with friends and don't let moments pass you by.

I believe that God has so many beautiful things for me to see in this world and that it's not his will at all for me to die young. But I also believe that God wants me to use my time on this earth wisely and to leave it a better place when I die.

The point of this long post is to say that you're never too young to love, to lose, to win, to travel....take advantage of whatever life gives you. Make your life a life that's worth writing down and talking about.

 I don't know about you but at my funeral I hope that all the people who know me aren't crying because they're sad, but instead they're crying because they're so proud of me for always living my life to it's fullest potential.

This is your life, are who you ought to be?

What happens to the dream?

I saw this quotation on Tumblr a few minutes ago and it made me stop and think, hopefully it does the same for you.

"When the dreamer dies, what happens to the dream?"

It's not really that crazy of a question. We're all filled with them and I don't mean those silly dreams we have at night, I mean those real dreams. The ones that keep you up at night and make you fill a journal with plans and maps and goals.

The Martin Luther King Jr. kind of dreams, the ones that are destined to change the world and make it a better place.

Martin Luther King Jr. lived long enough for his dreams to become a reality, but what about the people who die    too young. What happened to Trayvon Martin's dreams? Did they float up to heaven? Did the Lord take them back into his chest to be placed into the life of a future soul?

Nine words. It's very rare that a nine word sentence has me thinking so hard.

I have so many dreams, there are so many things that I want to do before I die. I guess that quotation is just a reminder that life is short and you shouldn't wait till tomorrow to do what burns your soul today.

So what makes your insides burn? What makes you tick? Whatever it is, start doing it today because tomorrow isn't promised and who knows where your dreams will go.

Truest thing I've seen all day....

"The knowledge of your existence has irreversibly changed me."

I pledge allegiance?

I pledge allegiance to the flag, or do I? We've been raised our whole lives, well Americans at least, to put our hands on our chest and face a flag and pledge our allegiance to it. Some people don't even know what the flag means and they swear their lives to it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my country. I'm a proud American and I believe in a lot of the fundamentals that this nation was built on. But I also love Mexico and other countries in this world, so should I pledge allegiance to all of them. I understand that I was born in this country but what does that really mean exactly?

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post but I just don't know exactly what I pledge allegiance too. I pledge allegiance to God, to myself, to my family. I pledge allegiance to the fundamentals and beliefs that my parents have embedded in me.

I pledge allegiance to making the world a better place and trying to improve the lives of the less fortunate. I pledge allegiance to giving a voice to the voiceless and for children that aren't given the right to life.

I mean what does allegiance even mean really? According to Dictionary.com it's "The loyalty of a citizen to his or her government or of a subject to his or her sovereign. " it also means "loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause or the like." Hmm, even after knowing the definition I'm conflicted with whether or not I completely agree with everything our government is doing.

I love my country, I really do and I'm so blessed to have been born an American, but I don't know if I pledge allegiance to the image that represents it. Whatever, I'll probably get a lot of shit for this post but I use this blog to figure my thoughts out and that's what I'm doing right now. So just relax, take a seat and let me figure my life out. =)

Until next time folks.

When I get married I want it to be in a circular room. I want the people who attend to be all around my groom and I and I want us to be the center of attention, literally.

I watched the first episode of the show Once Upon A Time today and Snow White got married in a circular room and it was so beautiful. I fell head over heels in love with it, so now, that's what I want. A marriage in a circular room, done, wish granted, thank you.

I guess I'll have to find a groom, before I can have my circular wedding. Too bad I'm twenty two and in absolutely no rush to get married. I feel like I just started enjoying life as a single gal and now all of a sudden, people want to be in a relationship with me. It's craziness and it drives me mad.

I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to just date around anymore, I just want to focus on myself and my own happiness. My life is so unstable, I'm moving around and going from one place to the other, it would be unfair to try and start a relationship now. Right?

Or maybe I'm just full of excuses and I just don't want to be in a relationship. No reason needed, except for the fact that I just don't want one.

I want to wait until I meet that guy that changes everything and makes me want to be with them and only them. The guy that makes me happy and makes me want to sit in the house and watch movies or makes me comfortable enough to tell my parents about him. The guy that meets my brothers and gets along with them, I don't think that's too much to hope for.

Until then, I'm completely satisfied and happy with my single life and I must say its treating me pretty well. Obviously, like any other woman, I have my days but overall I'm happy and I'm in a really good place in life and I want to stay there.

At the end of the day my goal is to be happy, genuinely happy. So if for now I have to be single in order to be happy, than I am completely okay with that. May the happiness continue.

Sometimes, like right now, I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep. I had a weird dream and once I woke up from it I just couldn't get myself to get comfortable and relaxed enough to go back to bed.

So here I am at 543am and I'm blogging and feeling kind of odd. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm not really feeling well right now, or the fact that it's not even 6am and I'm awake, but whatever it is I'm not a fan.

I wonder sometimes about the decisions I make and how they affect others in the world. It's easy to know how they affect myself and the friends around me, but what about the people that I just interact with for a week or a day, how do they remember me?

Most of the time I don't really reflect on things like that so much because it's one of those questions that can't ever really be answered. But I wonder, when an encounter with a stranger means a lot to me, does it mean the same to that other person? For them, did meeting me impact their life at all?

I hate the fact that I even have to wonder about that, I want to always strive to make the lives of the people that I meet better. I hope that no one ever regrets having met me, but instead says that their life is enriched and slightly better because I came into it, even if only for a little while.

Okay, it's time for me to cut my brain off for a little bit and try to get a few more hours of sleep, until next time.

Finishing first...

"You just don't recognize the view Karev. The crowd going wild, people taking pictures, the snap of the tape as you break it."

"What are you talking about?"

"What it looks like when you finish first."

I graduated college today and I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself. I rank number six out of my parents seven children and today I was the first one to graduate college. My family was so proud of me, they screamed so loud when I walked across that stage and shook President Ambars hand.

I graduated college today and I packed up my things and I left. I'll never live on Cedar Crest College campus again and I'll never be an undergraduate student again. I've earned a bachelors degree, a bachelor of Arts to more exact.

So why am I crying right now? It's because today I said bye to some people who played a very large part in making me the woman that I am today. I'm a strong, passionate and caring leader that is prepared for whatever the world wants to throw at me because of those people. I'll never be afraid to speak up in a room full of important people or ever think that my opinion doesn't matter because I'm a woman, and it's because of those people.

My professors at CCC did whatever they could to make sure that I was prepared for the real world when I graduated. They tested me, made me write papers, they laughed with me, listened to my stories and welcomed me back with open arms when I left for a semester abroad.

Cedar Crest College was my home and now I'm never going to live there again. I'm so happy that I'm able to begin the next chapter in my life but no one really ever tells you how hard it is to close a chapter. A chapter that changed the way you look at yourself and the women around you. A chapter that taught you how to not only find your voice but how to use it as well. A chapter that told me that I'm ready to go out and make a difference in the world.

My life is forever touched by the experiences I had and the relationships I was able to build these last four years. It breaks my heart to know that some of those people I may not see again for years and years but I don't regret meeting them. If I could do it all over I would and I would do it the exact same way. I would remake every mistake, have every fight and enjoy every late night I stayed up laughing with my best friends.

My time at Cedar Crest has come to an end and now it's time for me to figure out my place in the rest of this world. It's time for me to wipe the tears and go out and do what Cedar Crest has taught me how to do best, finish first.

Graduation Rehearsal

It kind of hit me a little bit today at graduation rehearsal. I was sitting there next to my friend Kylie and I couldn't help but realize that it's not just dress up anymore, I'm practicing for one of the biggest days of my life. I'm graduating college....this weekend! Holy crap! 

I can't deal with this, I'll write more later. 

Especially blessed

Okay, so I know that I'm always blessed but today I just feel especially blessed. Everything, literally everything has gone wonderfully for me so far today and I'm just enjoying it so much.

This morning I took Best friends / family pictures with all of my closest friends at school and they felt so good. We wore white shirts and dark jeans and we went to a park near my college and took all of these gorgeous shots and I can't wait for them to be developed and edited. I'll post a few online as soon as I get them.

I also took graduation shots with three other girls and that was a lot of fun. I would have figured that wearing my cap and gown would make graduating a little more real for me but I just felt like I was playing dress up or something. I'm waiting for it to hit me but it just hasn't yet.

Then after I took pictures I had to call the Direct Loan company about my student loans and thankfully I was able to get all of my loans placed on forbearance. Which means that I won't have to start paying on any of my loans until next year, thank God! The day is not even half over and already every thing is working out so well for me, I literally can't complain at all I'm so happy.

At five I have graduation rehearsal, at nine we have senior surprise and then after that just some senior fun. Hopefully the rest of the day goes as well as the first half did.

Over and out. Nik.

Graduation?

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm graduating college this weekend. It hasn't hit me that I'll never live on Cedar Crest College campus again. I may never take a college course again for the rest of my life. Saturday afternoon I'm going to walk across a stage and shake someones hand and accept a piece of paper that I worked four years for and it hasn't hit me.

I'm going to hug some of the people that I've grown close to and realize that I may never see some of them again. I'm going to walk off of that stage with a diploma in my hand and a sense of accomplishment in my heart. I'll look out and see all of my friends and family there supporting me and maybe then it'll hit me. Maybe when I'm sitting in a chair surrounded by the class of 2012 I'll realize that I'm done my undergraduate years.

From that moment on so many options will open up to me. I'll literally have my whole life ahead of me, what will I do with it?

Graduation, my graduation is Saturday and it hasn't hit me yet, but soon it will.

Angels in the Outfield

When I was in the eighth grade a lot of things changed in my life. I was thirteen and I was dealing with how life is different as a teenager, I was about to enter high school and my sister was pregnant and I  was going to be an aunt soon. I went through so many changes that year, I just wanted things to go back to the way that they used to be, I didn't want anything to change. So I bottled myself up and just closed myself off to the world.

Thankfully there were many things that intervened and helped me come out of that hard place in my life. One of those things, believe it or not, was the movie Angels in the outfield. I would fall asleep to this movie every single night and it reminded and helped me to believe in something more in life. It seems so silly that a movie, a children's movie, can give someone hope but it did for me.

Months later my nephew was born, I turned 14 and life changed for the better. I watched that movie again tonight and I was reminded of the hard times I had that year but I was also reminded of all of the beautiful things that came out of that year as well.

Life is full of ups and downs, you win and sometimes you lose, but no matter what you always have to believe in something bigger and stronger than you. Believe that there is someone that wants the best for you. Everything will be fine in the end because there is someone that is making sure of it.

There are always Angels in your outfield.

Maurice Sendak

"Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children's letters - sometimes very hastily - but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, "Dear Jim : I loved your card." Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, "Jim loved your card so much he ate it." That to me was one of the highest compliments I've ever received. He didn't care that it was an orginal Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it. He loved it. He ate it."

Thank you for being a very large part of my childhood Mr. Sendak, rest in peace.

Fight or flight??

I have a tendency to run. When things become too much for me I find a way out. I....I don't do it on purpose and I'm trying to stay present and be consistent but my skin is itching, it's burning I think. I need to move. I want a change of scenery a new place. I want Denver....

Tough love

I recently watched an episode of Tough Love, a show I really enjoy, on this episode the ladies had to stand in front of a group of men and it was designed like a game show. The goal of the game show was to see if the men were turned off or on by the things that the women were saying. I was disgusted, for lack of a more accurate word, by this part of the episode.

 I just hate thinking that women are being told that they should always be conscious of what they're saying because it may or may not turn a person off. But on the other side there is not a show for men that teaches them how to date or puts them through scenarios that tells them if they're turning women on or off. I see where the game show was supposed to show the women on the show how to reveal positive traits about themselves before negatives as well as to teach them some other lessons.

 But what I walked away from the episode with was a bad taste in my mouth. I just don't think that women should feel like they always have to check and recheck what they're saying in order to try and turn a man on. If a guy doesn't like the way that I talk or the things that I say, then frankly, that's his problem.

This is not a job interview. I really don't like it when people say that dating is like looking for a new job, I need a job to provide for myself, I don't need a significant other for that, they're two very different things. I'm going to be myself no matter what and if that's not good enough for the average guy or if that doesn't turn them on than great, that means that they're is an extraordinary guy out there waiting for me that will be able to handle all of my quirks.

 I know that the show was created with the goal of helping women and I think in many aspects it does, but this part of this particular episode just really made me think about a lot of things. I'm still going to continue to watch Tough Love because, hey, it's a great show. I think my goal for this post is just to tell women to take the things that they see on television as a grain of salt, if it' something that you want to implement into your life than okay, but if not don't ever feel like you have too. Someone should love you for you and not for the person that you're pretending to be.

Dreams

There is a wonderful professor at my college, his name is Micah Sadigh and he enlightened me this week. He taught a midnight seminar about dreams. I learned a lot from the session and there were some things that he said that very heavily matched up to reoccurring dreams that I have.

 One thing that Micah told us was that, universally, when you have dreams about a house, that house is a representation of you. When Micah said that I got chills through out my whole body because whenever I have dreams that are unpleasant they're dreams about me being stuck inside of a house. Now, if a house is symbolic of myself, then that would mean that subconsciously I feel like I am stuck inside of myself.

 Now once you are hit with a certain level of awareness of the way you feel it's much easier, at least I think, to start dealing with the issue. Ok so I subconsciously feel as if I am stuck inside of myself, ok why do I feel that way? What parts of my life make me feel trapped? Now I'm not saying I necessarily have the answers to these questions yet, but I feel sort of accomplished to at least have questions. With the questions it helps me to feel as if I'm closer to the answers, which doesn't really make sense I guess, but it gives me peace of mind.

 Another thing that I learned during the midnight dream lecture was the origin behind the term "nightmares." It was really cool to know why they're called that and also it helped me to realize that there are no such things as bad dreams, but instead there are things called anxiety dreams. Just because a dreams gives you anxiety it doesn't mean that it's meant to scare you, it just means that you need to figure out the meaning behind it soon, so you can stop having it.

 Micah told us that reoccurring dreams are your minds way of telling you that you haven't quite grasped what the dreams is trying to tell you. Once you understand a dream that is reoccurring it will stop showing up. I'm really glad that I ended up going to this lecture because it set me on the path of not fearing the things that I dream and instead searching for the meaning behind and answers to my dreams.