Lose....

I don't understand and I don't think that I will ever understand how someone can be here one second and gone the next.

The hardest concept to wrap your mind around, well actually forget your mind, rather to wrap your heart around, is unexpected lose. I think it's such a difficult thing to really grasp with one's heart. It's one of those things that I really need to seek God about because it just hurts me so deeply to my heart and I think the lack of understanding is what hurts the most.

Praying for all of the families who have lost love ones.

Xoxox. Nik.

Weddings and Pinterest

So, I'm single...duh, everyone knows that but recently I joined Pinterest and I've become obsessed with wedding stuff. So now I have to write out all of my ideas somewhere and I figured why not my favorite writing outlet. =)

So I decided the other day when I saw an episode of Sex and the City, that I want, I don't know exactly what you call it, but like a saxophone band at my reception. Just a bunch of people on instruments that are either saxophones or sound like them and have the same kind of sound and feel to them. I think it would be absolutely gorgeous.

Also I want my reception to be very intimate and candlelit. I want it to be a lot of fun as well but I want it to be very, very intimate feeling. I want all of the table setting to have little intimate facts about my groom and myself.

On Pinterest I saw a table setting that was number 5 and it said "day in May we met," and I just thought it was the cutest thing ever.

Also I saw this cool thing where the couple had a bible at the entrance of their reception and their guests were asked to circle their favorite bible verse, or a verse that reminded them of love. How adorable is that! I know, I'm being such a girl right now, but bear with me.

Ahh! I just saw this picture where the bride and groom were kissing and there bodies were far away from each other and blurred out. In between them in the background was the entire wedding party including the bride and grooms parents!

I'm beyond obsessed right now, I'm finding all these super adorable pictures and ideas about things to do on your wedding day and I'm overwhelmed and super excited. I'm glad that I'm not getting married for a while because I have plenty of time to decide what I like and what I want.

Okay, no more being a lame wedding crazed girl.....or at least no more writing about it.

over and out folks.

Oh, times are changing.

One thing that you'll learn about me, or maybe you won't idk, is that I have such a hard time with change.

I don't mean change in the sense of physical change. I enjoy moving often and being in new situations. What I can't take, is when people change or more importantly when relationships change.

I don't care if my best friend becomes a completely different person but if our friendship is affected and we're not as close as we were before, it literally kills me.

And it's kind of ironic because I always kind of didn't really care about people. What I mean by that is that I didn't have a hard time letting people out of my life. If someone annoyed me or got on my nerves, it was very easy for me to decide that I just didn't want to be friends with them anymore.

But now, post Uwp life, I just want to maintain relationships because friendships are just so important and people who love you, when you can't do anything for them, are people who you want in your life.

I just get so nervous, with all this moving business, I'm scared that I'll visit my friends from home and things will be different. Or I'll see a friend that I traveled with that I haven't seen in six months and we won't have the deep connection or bond that we had with each other when we were on the road.

My heart literally hurts when I think about not having some people in my life. It scares me so bad, and people say that if someone walks out of your life then you should let them go because they never wanted to be there in the first place, and I don't believe that at all.

I've walked out of peoples lives and lucky for me I was able to walk back into their lives once I realized that I didn't know if I wanted to live life without them. There are people that I miss all the time because I wasn't strong enough to stay and work on our relationship, instead I just walked away.

I think that if someone walks out of your life and you don't want them to leave then you should swallow your pride and try and get them back. Then after you try and you make a fool out of yourself and you risk everything, if they don't come back then at least you know you tried.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, and now I"m crying.....I"m just scared. I know so many wonderful people and I hope that I'm blessed to have them in my life forever.

People say that maybe some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, but I want this season to last the rest of my life.

I just love the people that are in my life and I hope they know how much they all mean to me, every single last one of them. I would do anything for them and I'm just the luckiest girl in the world to say that I'm surrounded by such gorgeous and amazing people.

Sleep well readers. I love you....and I mean it.

Father's Day.

What a wonderful day to celebrate the men that shape a females life and the way she enters and behaves in relationships, Fathers.

I'm so blessed to have a truly, amazing father and now that I've grown to value his opinion and to actually listen to it, my dad has become a friend of mine as well.

My dad and I weren't really that close growing up and I don't know if that was mostly my fault or not but it is what it is. Now though, that I've grown up a lot, I've learned to really cherish him as not only my father but as a person as well.

I love spending time with my dad and just sitting and watching movies with him or going out to eat with him and my mom. They're just such simple people it doesn't take much to make them happy and they just love spending time with us they don't really care what we do.

I remember when I used to work nights I came home one night at about 2am and my dad was sitting on the couch watching TV. When I asked him what he was doing up he said that he was just waiting for me to come home and then he went to sleep. It meant so much to me that he had stayed up for me and it's funny cause you always know that your parents love you, but when they do things like that it really reaffirms it for you.

I always tell people that I want to marry someone who is like my father and sometimes they think it's weird but I don't really care. Growing up my dad did anything he could to make sure that his family was not only well taken care of but that we were happy as well.

My dad worked a lot but he was always home for dinner and he was always home on the weekends. Though he may have missed a few dance recitals my dad always made sure that my siblings and I knew that he loves us even if he didn't come out and say the words directly.

Growing up my father showed me by example how a man should treat his wife and his family. My father never disrespected my mother and he did and still does love her so much and he is very vocal about his love for her. I remember my dad used to and still does randomly bring my mother home flowers or cards, just because, just to remind her how much he loves her and I always thought that was so nice when I was little.

I'm so blessed and thankful for my parents and I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am right now without them.

Most importantly I want to say a happy fathers day to our heavenly father for always watching over me and my entire group of family and friends. Lord you're so good to me and I don't even deserve your love and kindness.

Even though I didn't get to spend this fathers day with my dad, it's still a wonderful day and I'm beyond happy.

Later skaters.

Chick Flicks.

I'm a very blessed young lady. These last two weeks, I've been lucky enough to watch these really awesome movies that have kind of taught me about myself.

I watched, Runaway Bride, Something borrowed, Crazy Stupid Love and other chicks flicks those are just the ones that jump out in my memory.

The main character in Runaway bride reminded me so much of myself. She was constantly changing herself in relationships and when it was time for her to get married, she would be conflicted because she knew she wasn't being herself so she would run.

And that's happened to me so many times, I've always changed myself for people and when it's time for me to commit to them I can't because I know that I'm not being myself so I runaway. In the end of the movie she meets the right guy for her and she still runs because even though he knows the real her, she doesn't know herself. That movie taught me that I need to learn who I am before I can try to let someone else get to know me.

In the movie Something Borrowed, it's a movie about this lady that is in love with her best friends fiance and (spoiler) they end up together. The reason why it touched me so much was because they both had to do something that was so hard in order to be happy. They had to disappoint their family in order to be happy.

I've been faced so many times with situations where I've been so afraid to do something because of the people who possibly would be mad at me or who I would disappoint. But I've come to the point in my life where I have to do things, I have to follow my soul in order to be happy and everyone may not be happy with the decisions I make, and that's ok.

When I watched Crazy Stupid Love, it was just a reminder that when you love someone and when you want something you fight for it, no matter what. Don't let anyone come in between you and what you want, follow your heart.

Ughhh I'm filled with stupid lovey dovey feelings over these movies and it's awesome! I'm really excited to keep exploring and spending time with myself and finding out more things about myself and trying to learn who I am as a person and Christian in this world.

Over and Out folks. Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend. <333

Flight risk.

When I'm being completely honest with myself, not holding back at all, I know that when it comes to relationships I'm a flight risk.

As much as I like you, I'm going to subconsciously look for a way out, and now that that's something that I know about myself I try really hard to work on it.

I'm always looking for an excuse. He's too nice, he's too short, his sense of humor doesn't match mine, he can't deal with my brothers..etc. I have a book of excuses in my brain that I can no problem reference often.

But one thing that I have learned about myself this last year is that sometimes it's a good idea to walk away from something, no matter what other people say. They can tell you that you're just making excuses or you're just scared but ultimately it's your decision.

If your potential or actual significant other says something to you, no matter how small it may be, that hits you in that sore spot in your heart and you bring it to their attention and they don't acknowledge the pain it caused you, then it's ok to walk away.

No one should ever treat you worse than or respect you less than you respect yourself. Love God and yourself first, don't ever put a boyfriend or a girlfriend or whatever before you.

If someone doesn't treat you right, walk away. Point. Blank. Period.

Life is too short for you to surround yourself with people who don't make your life better in anyway. Please just be happy. Love with all you, make mistakes and always learn from them. Always pick up the pieces to your life, no matter what happens, even if you're picking up the pieces alone.

Marry someone who loves God more than they love you, because they'll never leave you and as long as you continuously seek Gods face you'll always know where their heart is.

The point of this whole post is, just be happy and if someone makes you unhappy don't be around them, no excuses, no trying to be a nice person, just let them out of your life and find people that make you happy.

Later folks.

Here and only here.

I feel like I child in the middle of a horrible custody battle. Colorado is my estranged father that was never around but I love so much and Pennsylvania is the mother that has raised me and taken care of me.

Ha! I sound crazy but stick with me.

I've left my mother who was always there for me to stay with a dad, that is wonderful but was never a father.

Pretty much what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I left part of my heart in Pennsylvania when I ran away to pursue my future and find my happiness in Colorado.

I love it here so much, I really do please don't get me wrong, if I could do it all over again I still would have gotten on that plane on May 29th and been right here. I just feel like the only way that I can truly be happy is that I just have to be here....

I feel like I'm still living mostly in Pennsylvania, my heart, my soul, my mind, I go back there so often during the day and that needs to stop. I'm so focused at work and I throw myself into my duties so that my mind can be preoccupied but as soon as I get home, I go back to Pennsylvania.

I have to be present....I have to be here. For right now my life isn't in Pennsylvania anymore, it's here. I need to be here.

I told myself today "no more sadness," I can't let unimportant things or people make me sad anymore, I'm living the dream. I literally have the job of my dreams, I'm 22 and I have the job of my dreams, it's unreal. I'm so happy, and I just need to be present and allow myself to be happy here.

That intro was so dramatic lol especially coming from a person who has never come close to being a part of a custody battle. My parents have been married for 31 years and they're really happy together.

Anyway, for anyone who's wondering how I'm doing here, in this new town, I'm doing great and I genuinely love it here. I look forward to going into work everyday, which isn't something that I ever thought I'd feel, but hey, I guess I got lucky.

"Let's just work on being present, she tells herself as she wipes away the tears and put away the pictures from home."

Be present.

John Mayer in concert

"Well it’s a Saturday night. That means that some of you may be getting a text this evening. Late, late, late in the evening. That may have three civilest but most devilish words ever put together followed by a question mark: “Are you up?” and if you get that text that says “are you up,” which only really comes from somebody you’ve already loved, and you are up, don’t do the thing that you always do and say “no I’m not up, not for you,” because you really are up. And there is really nothing you’d rather do. So if you get that text that says “are you up?” Text back, “Yes come over.” Because it does no use, it does no good to fight it. You’ll be over it when you’re over it, but if you’re still fighting it just give in. Because if you give in it means you’ve got love. It might not be love that lasts forever, but it last for awhile, and that’s a lot of time a little while. So go ahead tonight, and if you feel like falling back into something that you had before just fall back. And don’t beat yourself over the head for it, just do it. Just do it and actually enjoy it. You’ll have tomorrow to figure it all out but yes you’re up, yes you’re awake. Just say come over, just say come over. Lie here with me, lie here with me… don’t say a word text come over, and lie here with me."

Forest Boy

So I read this wicked awesome story today on Yahoo news, it was about this boy that was found in the woods or something in Berlin.

One day this kid who looks like he's like, idk maybe 17 years old or so, walks out of the woods and tell authorities that he had been living in the woods for years with his dad. His dad had died and the boy claims he had to bury his dad in the woods and then he came out to join civilization.

The kid can speak English as well as some words of German and they matched his DNA to missing children reports and they can't match him with anyone. He told the authorities that his father used to call him Ray so that's what they call him I guess.

I'm going to attach the link at the end so you all can see this kids adorable little smile. I think that's what made the story so interesting to me because this kid has lost both his parents has absolutely no family and he still can plaster the most sincere smile on his face.

Now if that's not strength than I don't know what is.

http://news.yahoo.com/berlin-police-release-photo-forest-boy-065525936.html

Lego House....

I have so many thoughts going through my head. It's not a bad thing but it's making me feel unfocused because I want to get them all out but I don't feel like there are enough venues for me to do so.

I wish I wrote more poetry.

The above sentence is weird because that's not what I initially planned to say but it just came out, so I guess that must be how I'm really feeling.

When I used to write poetry, at least one a week, I used to spill my entire heart into those pages. I would come up with pieces that portrayed emotions that I didn't even realize I was feeling. It was incredible and healing and very therapeutic, it was exactly what I needed to be okay at the time.

Now I'm in a place in my life where I feel such a strong feeling of, how do I say this, self worth. I feel like I'm doing things that are important and that I'm starting to come into myself so much and it's an amazing feeling.

But there are still things that I can't get out, that don't leave my body when I run, and that can't be explained enough to make me feel better when I blog.

I feel like I'm, I don't know, continuously finding myself and then getting lost again. Which sometimes I attribute to my age and other times I count it as a symptom of my wild and restless heart.

I'm a constant contradiction. I dream about love, I sing songs about it and I write about it, but whenever I get close to it I run away.

I need to write more poetry.

I'm so close to tears right now because I always feel so strong and set to face the world. Then there are times where I actually sit down and allow my self to settle and I'm faced with emotions that I'm unable to really deal with.

Today I put out into the world that I want to be a documentary filmmaker. In a few years I plan to go to film school and then I'm going to travel the world making films.

See what I did there, I distract myself from my emotions by planning and focusing on a goal. One day all this self reflection, running, blogging, journaling, crying and praying will make me into a better person and an even better wife. I'm convinced of it.

Until then I'm going to just take one day at a time. As strong as my emotions may be I'm going to work on facing them instead of suppressing them. Wish me luck.

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces, and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down."

Goodnight folks.

It's a funny feeling, the feeling that starts in your chest and moves through the rest of your body.

You're driving down a road and your exit, or turn or whatever comes up and you almost don't take it. A part of you just wants to keep driving.

What's ahead of me if I just keep driving and don't look back?

There's a certain kind of fear that comes when you realize that the thing/ person that you've been trying to get away from is yourself. It's so scary when you're faced with situations where you literally have to spend hours upon hours with a person that you don't know if you really like that much, yourself.

I had to do that this week. I had a lot of alone time and reflection time and at first I was literally terrified. What was I going to do by myself? I'm happy to say that it actually ended up being a lot better than I thought it would be.

I think that when you move or go somewhere, where you don't really know a lot of people, it's imperative that you get to know yourself. Especially if you're family isn't around, you need to realize that no matter who lets you down or doesn't come through for you in this new place that you always have yourself, and as small as it may sound it's actually really big.

 To know that I can depend on myself, and know that when hard times come I won't break, that's a very refreshing feeling. I know that my family will always be there for me, but if something, like distance, stands in between them being right there, then I have myself.

Sometimes you have to be your own shoulder to cry on, your own hand up. It's not called being lonely or being a loser or anything silly like that, I think I would refer to it as being self reliant and self sufficient.

Who can you rely on when you can't even rely on yourself? It's a devastating feeling to be disappointed in yourself, but it's also an amazing feeling to know that you can count on yourself as well.

Okay, that's enough. I feel like I'm rambling a little now, but I think you get the point.

I'm here in Denver and I'm learning something new everyday. Whether it has to do with my job or the people around me, or myself and I feel like I'm continuously being pushed past my comfort zone and it's a great feeling.

I feel so blessed, so very blessed. Goodnight folks.

The presence of the Lord

Today I was driving home from work and for some reason I just had to have my sunglasses on. So I started feeling around for them and I just couldn't find them. So I pulled over into this school parking lot and I went into the back seat to get them out of my backpack.

Low and behold they're not in my backpack and I look in at the door pocket on the drivers side and there they are. So while I'm putting them on this older gentleman walks up to me and asks me about the company car. He says "Excuse me ma'am, what's Up With People, do you guys lift people up in the world or something."

He was so sincere with his approach and at first I was stand offish but when I looked at his face I could tell life dealt him a tough hand. We got the talking and he told me about how he was homeless and his family was dead and he needed money to catch the bus to get to the homeless shelter.

Now, it's very rare that I give a homeless person money, just because you never really know, I usually will offer to buy them food or something. But for some reason while I was talking to him this overwhelming peace came over me and it was like the Lord was telling me to help his son.

I gave the guy a few bucks and I told him "God bless you" and he shook my hands and said, "No, God bless you, thank you so much." When he walked away I was rushed with this overwhelming feeling to call him back and give him the rest of the cash I had in my wallet, only $13. But of course, my mind went crazy with thoughts like, "hey you might need that this week."

As he walked away I couldn't help but be completely and utterly amazed by what had just happened in my life. I hear people say we need to be Gods hands and feet but to actually feel the Lord guiding you to do something and removing all fear and doubt so that you know it's right was just unbelievable.

I drove home and I had butterflies in my stomach to the point where I was queasy. God used me, this low and dirty vessel to be a light in the world. That man walked away thinking that I was a blessing to his life when in reality he was a blessing in mine.

I hope that I see him again so that I can thank him for renewing my faith and helping me to yearn for God again. It's funny how it doesn't take something elaborate and life threatening to happen for you to realize how amazing God is.

Sometimes it just takes three dollars and a pair of lost sunglasses.

Oh golly gee, that just happened.

So I've been thinking a lot about past relationships lately and about, I guess, when things went sour. It's so funny when you look back on certain situations and you try to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when it started to go wrong.

The funniest part is that in retrospect you can see a slight decline and there is a clear view of when everything started to go wrong. But when you're in that said relationship it's like things are good and then they're just not. I find that many relationships in my life are like that, whether they be romantic, platonic or family relationships.

Things are good until they're not and I feel like I'm always left looking back thinking "Wow, that just happened," in disbelief of how something went so south so fast.

Luckily I've been doing really well at maintaining healthy relationships with my family, friends and other people. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do, but I think that I'm learning how to feel out situations and how to be more understanding and considerate about other people's feelings.

I'm working on having relationships that are good. That's it, well actually great, but I don't want it to be great one minute and then in the side of a mountain burning the next.

I think by consciously working on myself and making sure that I'm a better person and the kind of friend that I would want to have as well as the kind of sibling and daughter, that consequently my relationships are getting better. It's a cycle actually and I'm very glad to say that it's not a vicious one.

Later.

So week one is over and I'm feeling happy and refreshed. Today I had rehearsal to go over things for the new UWP show and I'm excited for what's to come and how the audience and future casts will react to the material.

I feel so blessed to be around so many familiar and comfortable faces it really makes coming to a new city so much easier. I've been lucky enough to stay with the same host families and work with people that I've either traveled with or met when I was traveling and I really do feel very comfortable.

I will admit that I've had feelings of homesickness while I was here. It's not really me wanting to go home but more of me wanting my family and friends to be here.

I really could see myself living in Colorado one day because it's so gorgeous and I just love the atmosphere and the people so much. The only thing that would stop me from coming here is if my parents wouldn't move closer. I really don't think I could live this far away from my family and friends because I literally miss them everyday. I'm sure that after a while things will get easier but right now I couldn't imagine making a permanent move here without them.

I'm currently trying to floss and blog at the same time, I wish I could say that blogging is winning but it's not. Flossing is getting more attention than this blog is at the moment.

Anywho, I worked out today ,my body has slowly been adjusting to the altitude, but I really felt it today. I barely finished my workout because I was breathing so hard, it was pathetic lol but in due time I know that my body will adjust and I won't feel like such a slum anymore.

In cooler news, I've started using a new word, actually I don't know if it's a real word or not but I'm using it. So the word is Louse, pronounced like blouse but without the b obviously,and I've decided it could be either a positive or negative word depending on the context.

So I think that's enough about my Nicole life right now, I'm reading a new book about understanding men so I'm sure I'll have a philosophical topic to right about soon.

Over and Out.
Nik