Is change possible

My blessing is also my curse.

I've learned how to not get feelings attached when it comes to males. I've constructed a wall that's a hundred feet tall and ten thousand feet thick..it's impenetrable. One would think that I was safe...safe and sound in my fortress of whole hearts and shallow relationships..but I'm alone.

I'm alone and unhappy..and the things that I'm doing to save my heart from breaking is actually breaking my heart slowly each day. I wanna scream..or cry...or run away, yep that's it I want to run away from it all..run away from everything. But that wouldn't even help me. Where do you run when you're trying to out run yourself.

I'm confused. I look into the mirror and I look into my eyes and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. He told me that I had walls up that no one could get through...he said one day I'll meet someone that will make me feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

But to me vulnerability leads to pain..and when you open yourself up to someone in that way it leads to heart ache. But right now my heart is aching..my defenses are breaking and what I'm doing to keep my self safe is putting me in more danger then I realize.

I'm sick of relying on my physical appearance and random quirks to keep someones attention. My personality is so fulfilling but yet I never give men the chance to experience it...I put on the facade..the fake Nicole that's extremely flirtatious and acts as if she's so experienced. When in reality I'm the scared little virgin that is still afraid that people will leave me and not come back.

I wish that people would never forget me, or rather I wish that I could forget everyone..that I would be hurt by the memories that flood my mind at night time.

My feelings are hurt, and I'm the one that did it. My heart is starting to crumble..and I'm the one grinding it into the ground. He told me that he when I started to show him affection it was so nice...he said that, that side of me was so gentle and affectionate.

He told me that i needed to stop repaying kindness for negativity..but I honestly don't know how to stop. Whenever I give off honesty and vulnerability all I get back is fake feelings and pain. I just wanna cry. I don't know what to do anymore...Lord help me cause all I see is fire...and there's no hoses in sight to put it out.

If a stranger could see that i was this guarded this afraid to love..then I wonder what my family and friends see. Do they know that I'm this alone..this filled with pain or are they fooled by the smile pasted on my face.

I want to change..I want to be happy and let people in..I want to give people the chance to get to know the real me..but all my past hurts and scars always get in the way of me being myself.

I didn't realize I was this messed up until Adrian brought it to my attention...Wow. I have a lot of things to figure out and alot of work to do.

Over and Out. Nik