Hearts and their owners

I read things about love all the time. I listen to music about love. I watch movies about love, and almost every day I talk to one of my friends about love, and their significant other. But me, myself, I've never been in love.

I've loved many things, cars, friends, family, shoes, computers, books..etc I think you get the point, but never a man. Now let me explain, by never a man I mean I've never been in love before. Of course I love my father and brothers and what not, but never in my entire existence have I told a guy that I was dating that I loved him.

I had one person say it to me before, he said it over skype, and I just looked at the computed screen. I didn't get happy at all instead I started to cry, the next day I called him and told him that we couldn't talk anymore.

I think about him sometimes, not because I think that I was really in love with him, but instead because I wonder why I was so scared at the time. I've changed so much since that day, I think that if we tried again now it still wouldn't work out, but it would of ended on better terms.

I feel bad for every guy that talked to the Nicole that I used to be, the one that had something to prove. The one that was terrified of anything real so she pushed away anyone that tried to like her on a deeper level away. The one that subconsciously went after only guys that were looking for hook ups because she knew that even if they hurt her feelings, they would never get close enough to break her heart.

Now I see that being single is not a way for me to push away every guy in the world, instead it's a time for me to get to know myself, and that's what I'm doing. I've really been taking a lot of time out to just figure out who I am. I think that I'm ready to start living my life and get to know people, and not feel pressured to start a relationship, but also not purposely sabotage anything that feels to real.

I guess I'm starting to mature...who knew.

Over and Out. Nik.