Decisions

I'm at a crossroads. I'm deciding if I want to be successful and have the job I've always wanted, be a Christian and live for God, and also pursue the career in theater that I know I'm destined to have.

Then comes the fear of being GREAT, the fear of actually achieving these goals. Who am I to not be successful, who am I to try and make myself shine less so that I can slip through this world unnoticed.

It's so hard because I know that a lot of the decisions I make can really hinder me from achieving my goals. I also know that a lot of the stupid decisions that I randomly decide to make are starting to add up, and I feel like sooner or later they're going to catch up with me.

I can only run so fast, I've become so accustomed to just trying to change over night, I don't know what it's like for change to be a process. Why can't I just be the person I want to be already, why can't I just change. I'm running so fast it seems, I feel like my legs are moving and moving and I'm not going anywhere.

I'm running faster than I've ever run before and nothing is changing, I'm trying so hard to change, but are my efforts really worth while? I keep crying the same tears, but yet these tears are bringing any kind of difference. How hard could I possibly be trying if I keep making the same mistakes, and when I say same mistakes I mean the exact same mistakes.

I wonder sometimes how God could still love me, how he could still look at me and call me his daughter. I feel so blessed to know that his love is never changing, that no matter what he'll always love me the same, no matter what I do. If I were him I would of given up on me after broken promise number 400.

I'm shaking right now and I don't know why, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by myself. I'm frustrated by my decisions, the decisions that are starting to shape my character, after a certain point in your life I feel like you wake up and you realize that you're the person that you never wanted to be. I don't think I'm at that point yet, but I'm definitely close to it.

I love you God, and I hope you know that I really want to be better for you, I hope you know that my heart yearns to make you happy. I hope you know that I really don't want to keep behaving this way, I hope you know that i love you more than anything, and I hope you still love me. I hope you know that I'm sorry for all my broken promises, and that I'm sorry that I always second guess what you told me, I'm sorry that I'm a broken vessel in need of your constant care. I'm sorry that every time you fix me, I just put myself in a situation that puts a new crack in the exact same spot.

I don't know what I would do if I weren't a Christian, God I'd be so lost without you, please help me to get back on the right track, I need you. I love you. I just want to make you proud, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my family proud, and I want to be the kind of person that's a role model.

I don't want to be one of those people that just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm so sorry Lord. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that it took me this long to realize that i was wrong, and for me to apologize, and it's funny because I know that I don't even have to apologize for you to forgive me. You're just that great of a God. You took my sins and all the sins that you knew I would commit and you put them on the cross with you when you died and I'm free, I'm clean and I'm a new person. I just have to realize that and believe it and say it to myself every day, I'm a new person and God loves me so much that he's made me clean.

Thank you so much God for just being you. I love you. I love you more than words can express, and more than a song can sing. I love you.