If you really knew me.

I don't know what's up with me today....I was exhausted all day. Work really took a toll on my body.

Then tonight...when I got home. I got to see my parents and that was great, but I'm emotionally off today. If you really knew me...would you know that today would be the best day to call me. That I'm not sure what's wrong with me...but I'm upset.

Who is this person. What am I doing with my time....I need to get my game face back on. Stop worrying about not getting hurt..and about my peers and everything else in my life that's really not important. I need to focus on my relationship with the Lord and my school stuff.

Sometimes my heart gets so heavy. So heavy to the point where I think my chest is going to explode. It get so heavy to where I see displays of genuine care and affection on TV and it makes me want to cry. I'm mean to the majority of people who are nice to me...people who show me genuine unconditional love.

I continuously push my mother away and I don't know why. She loves me so much, and always does so much for me..and when she's not around I miss her. But when she's around I feel like I have to be rude to her and I don't know why.

What's wrong with me. Why can't I just show her how much I love her. I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do. I need Jesus to come down and spend time with me..and tell me where I went wrong. Tell me when I became the person that I am today. I need something, I just don't know what.

Yesterday I thought my life was perfect..I thought I was ok living in the facade of the fake life that I've started for myself. Then tonight I find myself consumed with pain...lost in tears..wondering what I'm doing. Sometimes when I pass a mirror I look into my eyes..I look deep into the eyes of the one person I should know the best and I see a stranger.

I'm literally sleeping with the enemy. Lord please help me. People tell me that they like the person that I am and that I shouldn't change for anyone..well I'm going to change. I'm sick of being the way that I am. I'm not the overly flirtatious and seductive virgin that I've been lately. I'm not the party girl or club goer that needs male attention. I'm not the girl that's rude to her mother.

Once again like I've said many times before I'm not exactly sure what I am yet..but I know what I'm not. I'm not the person that i see in the mirror every morning lately. I'm going to changed for not only God..but for myself. I'm going to make the effort to treat my mother better, and to do things with her that I might not enjoy..but that make her happy.

Dear Blog...I'm not perfect, I'm actually flawed beyond belief. But I do know one thing I'm a child of the most high God..and I can do anything through him...and that means even changing my ways.

If you really knew me...you'd know this time I'm serious.