Maybe I know somewhere....

I don't have much luck in relationships. I always seem to choose the same kind of guys. Guys that aren't looking for anything real, or serious, and are just looking to have a good time.

I convinced myself that I as well wanted nothing serious, and only wanted to have a good time. That there wasn't anyone out there worth me being real with, because in the end they always break your heart.

Every single guy that I've ever talked to has hurt my feelings at some point, and it's not because they were just a horrible person, but rather it's because they were just being themselves. I was so scared of anything real that I made it a habit to go after guys that were only looking for something casual.

Something that wouldn't leave any marks...something easy to walk away from. I've always made it easy for guys to walk away from me, I may have even pushed them away a lot of the time. I made myself a revolving door...instead of a permanent stop. It has come to the point, where I don't expect anything from guys..and whenever someone is genuinely nice to me, it scares me.

I won't speak of love anymore...I don't talk about the way that guys hurt me anymore...and I'm not sure how I got my hands to write about it today. There is a song, that epitomizes the way that I feel about relationships. It's called the only exception by a group named Paramore, the only difference between that song and my life, is that I have yet to find my exception.

I'm trying really hard to not become the person that pushes her feelings to a place inside of her, but that's a difficult thing to do, when you've been through the things that I have. When you have been treated the way that I have. I'm no pity party, don't feel sorry or bad for me, I made a lot of decisions that led me to this point in my life.

But one big decision that I would like to make, is the decision to stop the self affliction. I want to stop hurting myself by dating these guys that I know will never, make me truly and deeply happy. I honestly would just like to be happy, and be in a relationship that allows me to be Nicole Magloire and no one else.

I'm tired of telling people that I'm not looking for anything serious because that's a lie. I don't casually date, so if you don't want to be exclusive and take the time out to get to know me, for me, then don't approach me.

This is definitely going to be one of the hardest things that i have ever had to do, but I just can't keep feeling this way. Telling myself that I don't care, that it's no big deal, when really I know that I'm breaking inside. That I'm really devastated that this person didn't turn out to be different.

Well that different guy is out there...and I'm ready to wait for my exception. The only exception.