Feelings session

So last night my dad called me and it was really good to talk to him, and he told me how much everyone loves me and misses me. He even offered to drive 2hrs to come and get me at 10pm but I told him it was too late for that but that I appreciated the offer. I love all of those people so much and after talking to Lindsey for a while last night it just helped me figure out what's really been upsetting me lately.

Well for one I'm seriously super homesick and I didn't realize it until my mom called me earlier yesterday and I cried the whole time we were on the phone. I've never been away from my family this long and when I finally do go home it will have been two months since I saw them.

Two whole freaking months..that's like forever to me..I have a picture of Devin as the background of my laptop and that really does help to see him everyday. But I'm feeling better now that I got to talk to them and I know that I'm going home twice in Oct. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do the peace corps for two years if I can barely take two months. The most important reason that I've been really unhappy lately is because my relationship with the Lord is really not where it should be.

I pray before I go to sleep and that's it.....I barely read my bible anymore or pray throughout the day. I really need to get it together soon because that's the reason why I'm so unhappy besides the homesickness and everything else I can't handle not having God in my life..it's to hard without him.

That's the reason why I've been so mean, cold and heartless lately because I haven't been close to him and I didn't realize it. I'm usually the one that cares about peoples feelings and lately I've lost the ability to sympathize or even feel compassion for others. My roommates grandfather died...her freaking grandfather and when she would cry to me all I could think about was the homework that I had to do or what show was on TV.

What kind of person does that...hugs someone as they're breaking down but is completely detached from what they're feeling. I can't be that kind of person anymore. I have to change and the only way I can is if I build up my relationship with God again..I need to be more like him. I can't live without him. I'd rather die a horrible death then have to live in this world without God.

I'd rather die because if I don't have God in my life then I'm dead already. I know that it's going to be a long and hard process especially because recent events and the fact that I enjoy the things that I'm doing even though I know they're wrong. So I just need God to change my ways and help me to be stronger. I need to be stronger and I can't do it without him.