I'm pretty sure I may be half a man

I had an epiphany today.....I'm clearly half a man. I was thinking about relationships just now and I was thinking about how I think I like this kid and then I was like well what about all the other guys in the world. How messed up is that...I mean why is it that I had to think of that today....why is it that I'm even thinking about it at all.

This week is clearly my over thinking week because I never analyze something as much as I'm analyzing this. The thing is that I always let myself get caught up in the fantasy of a person and once I get to know them the fantasy is gone and I can't take them not being the way I imagined them.

But in this case I know him, I know his faults and the dumb jokes he tells and the way he plays with his friends and just how amazing he is. But does that mean I should like him, since I know he's an amazing guy that is going to make someone really happy one day, does that necessarily mean I have to be that special someone for him? I don't really know I guess I'll find out eventually if it's worth me even thinking about.

The problem is I can picture myself telling him things I've never told anyone before and introducing him to my parents and my siblings but the weirdest part is that I can picture myself holding his hand. I hate holding hands I think it's pointless and can get a little gross and clammy but I can see myself doing it with him. I really don't know if I like him or not, what I do know though is that I get angry when he talks to girls, I don't get jealous I just get either annoyed or angry.

When he runs to his phone to return a text message I want to throw his phone across the room. But then again when I think about it I know that I am honestly not in the place in my relationship with God where I need to have anymore distractions. I just really don't know what to think about this person I don't get butterflies when I see him or when I picture his face, but I think about him all the time.

So what does that mean.....I got butterflies with every other guy I ever talked to before, but I was never as comfortable with them as I am with him. I wish I could talk to someone about this but I'd seriously just rather not speak it out loud. I honestly don't know what's up with me, people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that it makes the heart grow crazier, I feel like my mind is going crazy over him. I hate it but also I like it cause I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.......so I'm predicting that when break is over he'll tell me about a girl he likes and I'll smile and nod.

I guess depending on how bad it hurts will help me decide if I actually like him or not. I wish I was beautiful....I bet beautiful girls never worry about this kind of stuff......I wish I was either beautiful or a guy...this would be so .much .easier.if.I.Was.a.GUY.