What is living? I need to know how do you know when you've truly begun to live. Who evaluates the things that you've done in your life so far and say...well Nicole congratulations you've finally begun to live.
What defines the extent to which I held back in life. Is making cautious decisions and trying not to get hurt in life..not living. I will admit that at times I do make the cautious decision but I think that the majority of the time I try to throw caution to the wind and just live my life. I dress the way that makes me happy and say what I want and mostly do what I want so I would like to think that I'm living for the most part.
There's just that one part of my life where living isn't an option. The part where my fear of pain and rejection keeps me from letting it flourish and grow the way that it should. I don't love too often, I love my family and my friends by that's about it. I love my parents with all of my heart and I love my niece and nephews more than you can imagine but that's family love. I think of all of my friends as family too so once again that's family love.
The thought of trying to extend that love past the four walls of my life and into a world that can throw it back to me broken....leaves me petrified. Last night I watched the Sex in the city movie and Carrie gets left at the altar. That made me so scared, what if I love someone with all of my heart and promise to spend the rest of my life with them, and then they leave. What if I finally tell someone I love them and they don't feel the same way.
What if I finally decided I want to be someones girlfriend and then they break up with me. I thought that I was strong but when it comes to matters of the heart I'm not. When boy hurt my feelings I usually do one of two things, I either cry and just stop talking to them all together. Or I pretend everything is ok and I become this mean and heartless female that pulls out everything about you that I know will hurt you. I can't handle being hurt it turns me into a person that I don't like to see.
I would love to get married one day and spend the rest of my life with someone but I honestly just d0n't know if I'm strong enough, what if I can't do it. Or what if I do it and it breaks me. I hang on to the lyrics of the genuis Michael Buble sometimes for peace of mind they say "I know someday that it'll all work out, you'll make me work so we can work to work it out, and I promise you kid to give so much more than I get, I just haven't met you yet." Maybe my problem is that I honestly just haven't met the person that is supposed to give me security.
The person that though it'll all still be scary and filled with uncertainty I'll be ok with it because I'll know that he'll always be there. My fears of being alone for the rest of my life are so much greater than my fears of falling in love that I know that I'm going to face my fears, because I honestly have no choice but to do so. I want to fall in love one day, and I want to fall hard, so if that means me risking, getting broken up with, or left at the altar, or told that I'm not loved than so be it. It's better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. right?
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