Vulnerability???

Today me and my friend Courtney had a heart to heart
And by talking to her
It told me so much things about myself
I didn't realize this was the way that I felt
I didn't know this was why I'm like this
soo the secret to my issues
can be summed up into one simple word
Vulnerability
I hate being vulnerable
we were talking about how guys make us feel in relationships
And I started rambling on about how I hate that feeling
I hate it when I can't stop thinking about them
or when I keep wanting to text them
I hate it when they call me and my face lights up
I despise the smile they put on my face
I want to rip out my heart when they make it skip a beat
and stop breathing when they touch me and it's hard to catch my breath
vulnerability..
I hate that feeling because it makes me need them
And I don't like it when I need someone
It's hard enough
That I'm needy when it comes to attention from my family
and best friends
I don't need to feel like that way towards a guy
I don't like losing control
And when I like a guy I feel like I can't control my emotions
I can't stand relying on them
or being disappointed by them
and it scares me to love them
and even more to be loved by them
My name is Nicole Magloire and I'm single because I can't accept vulnerability
I can't accept reliance
I can't accept being needy
I can't accept feeling loved
I feel like I'm addicted to being let down
Because it's so much easier to just date the wrong guy
And know that he won't call
and know that you'll never be anything serious
because
Anything serious is everything I can't have
At least not right now
I seriously get sick to my stomach
Every single time I think about being in love
Is that odd?
I'm just really scared
Yes I'm admitting it I'm super scared
and I guess that means I have to face my fear
eventually
But I just don't know when I will be able to
"Love gave someone the power to break you"
That quotes reinforces my fear of love
and so does this one
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up"
But this one
"Once in awhile in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale"
Makes me want to throw all my fears to the wind