Dreams of a wedding

So last night I had a dream and in this dream I was getting married. I was walking down the aisle in this beautiful dress my parents were on either side of me escorting me down and all of my friends were at the altar in gorgeous brides maid dresses. My husbands face was a blur and I remember stopping in the middle of the aisle, leaving and then vomiting once I got out of the church.

After I woke up and the day went on I thought of it as a pretty funny dream but then certain things about it really started to bug me.I hope I never, ever, leave someone at the altar. That is just such a horrible thing to do to someone and I would never want to be that person.

When I woke up from the dream I was literally sweating because the idea of getting married right now literally freaks me out. For some reason I associate marriage with a loss of certain freedoms that I have now, things that I'm not at all ready to give up. I look at the people that are near my age that are either engaged or married and I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them because I feel like they're not reaching their full potential in life by getting married at such a young age.

I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I'm not a fan of commitment. I meet these people and it's so much easier to just have fun with them instead of having something real. Then I meet someone that, I don't know, sticks, and I start to like them...and then things start to fall apart for me because it becomes too real. I start to feel vulnerable which is a feeling I hate, so I start to pick out their flaws and I convince myself that I'm the one that just wants to be friends with them...to make sure that they aren't the ones that end up hurting me.

I hope that no one ever reads this because it's really all over the place. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I really need to get out. I feel like I'm running away from it right now because ultimately I'm just scared of being hurt. I've watched so many of my friends get their hearts broken by hole of the ass guys they were stupid enough to date and I told myself I would never put myself through that. So consequently I treat every guy that I meet and that shows interest in me like someone who doesn't matter to me. Not saying that they all are important but I'm saying that I don't give any of them the chance to be important.

I think I'm just afraid and like Shallyn's wrist says "fear is a limitation." The thing is I'm also confused with where my fear stops and my future starts. There are so many things that I want to do before I settle down, work for Up with People, travel, find a career I love. I don't want to ever feel like I need to give something that I really love up to be with a person, I won't sacrifice my dreams for a relationship I just can't do that. So, yeah, I don't know if any of this makes sense. Not really sure why I was thinking about it so much today but I was, I'll revisit this topic again really soon and try to figure out my feelings more.