I don't understand myself. It's days like these where I sit and realize that I have no idea what I want anymore.

I'm sitting here and everything that I said I was going to do yesterday...everything that seemed like it may have been a possibility for me has changed. And it really makes no sense. There is no explanation...I'm being dramatic..I'm making something out of nothing. I'm missing out on someone once again...

I'm annoyed and I'm confused...but mostly I'm scared. I'm terrified because hearts brake and feelings hurt and things change. Sometimes everything changes and you look around and everything you once knew is gone.

So do I sit here and deal with what this is already? Do I have to become content with what this is? What do I do? Do I risk it and just say to hell with my fears lets just see what happens.....I HAVE NO IDEA!!

I'm scared. Look...I can leave my family for six months...go away to college and try to figure out my life without them. I can move to New York and risk losing everything to pursue my career..but I can't risk this.

You only get one heart. Just one. In the end..I don't want my heart to be bruised and scarred held together by tape and glue when I give it away. But I don't know..I seriously don't know.

Is it better to give away a damaged heart that has learned and experienced a lot...or hold in your hands a perfect heart that lacks experience. Is that a dumb question?

I'm confused and the only thing I keep thinking about is....you only get one heart.