Home...

"Well I could paint you pictures all night long and tell you tales how every song. Is to let you know that you're the reason why I'm home."

So I'm home and it's the oddest feeling in the world. I've never been so filled with happiness and sadness at the same time before. It's like my body is in two different places...like my heart is literally torn in half.

I miss my cast so much. I miss the way that we supported and loved each other and how we were just there for each other every single day. I miss the 106 hugs and kisses I got every morning and evening when we said hello and goodbye. I miss the community service, I miss being uncomfortable and I miss my host families.

Today I was in Walmart and I was so uncomfortable, I was literally disgusted by the amount of things people were buying. Unnecessary things I thought, for Christmas presents and stocking stuffers. I was reminded of the children who would love to just have clean water for Christmas. I know that I'm not supposed to be angry at myself or others for the things that they have but it's so hard not to be.

When I hear people complaining about things that are so silly in my mind, it's so difficult not to lash out at them and tell them about the things we saw as a cast. But I keep my mouth shut and I exercise the little bit of patience that I have.

I want to scream and be by myself sometimes and then all I think about is how much I want to be with the cast all the time. I think that I'm just really confused right now because I know that I'll be fine and I know I'll see everyone I want to see again soon, but the initial feeling of loneliness is so difficult to shake. But I'm going to do my best....Oh the places you'll go. I'll be fine.