I've realized throughout the years that the tears that I've cried and the pain that I've felt is self inflicted. I put myself in situations that I didn't think would end well because I was so afraid of things that could end well.

I was so afraid of finding something that I couldn't live without. I feel replaceable. I sometimes just want to get away from myself. To be free of me. Switchfoot phrased it best..."Where do you run to escape yourself."

I hide inside of my homework and the words of others. I keep myself busy with work, work and more work. Always doing something, constantly moving. That's me, the girl on a mission, the one with the plan. Well my plans are flawed and my mission is destined for failure it seems.

I push away those that mean the most to me because I'm counting down the hours until they leave, until I make them upset or they get tired of me and never talk to me again.

My best friend told me today to call myself beautiful and I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I don't believe it. I don't see it.

I need to take time to myself but I feel like I've said that before and I don't know if it worked. I need to learn to love myself but I don't know how. How do you love something that you wish you didn't have to be around every day.

I probably sound super depressed but I'm not and that's the irony of the whole situation. I can't explain it, no one can. I hope I can change this.

I'm so supportive of the organizations and charities that teach people how to love themselves and I always push people to be confident and to know that they're beautiful despite their flaws. But yet I can't even write love on my own arm..I can't push myself to love me. How can I be so helpful to others and so useless to myself....it doesn't make sense.