Poetry

I read my poetry for an audience for the first time last night. It was amazing and scary and beautiful, it as nothing like I every imagined it would be.

I wanted to cry and scream and run away. I wanted to pretend like I was a character in a movie to make it easier. I wanted to pretend like I was in a play reading a monologue. Anything that wouldn't make me feel like myself, so that it wouldn't be so hard, so that it would be less real.

Instead I swallowed my fear and walked up there and read a poem that came from my heart. I read my reflection poem that I think may subconsciously be about me but I'm not sure. I was terrified I'm actually very close to tears right now thinking about the fact that I read something so personal in front of so many people.

I'm terrified of things that make me feel vulnerable and last night I felt so vulnerable. Laying something so important and so dear to my heart down in front of this group of people, some who I hadn't even met before that night.

I'm afraid that I run away from things too much. I thought that maybe it was only relationships and things that are about love but it's really anything that makes me feel vulnerable. Anything that's too real I don't want to deal with it. That's why I hate death and why love makes me want to run. All of those things are just too real and terrifying.

Now I feel as if I'm ranting on. I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore.