Monsters and those who fear them

When I was a little girl I believed in Monsters and not just the kind that hide under your bed and in the closet but also the kind that hid in the dark and ripped their way up from the earth. I was convinced that being under my covers would protect me and often I woke up covered in sweat from falling asleep with the blankets on my face.

As I got older the fear of beasts lurking in the dark left me and the nightmares began. I would dream, at least once a week, about 'something' chasing me, I never could see what 'IT' was but it always haunted me. As I got older the dreams became less frequent but they didn't cease and when I would have one of those terrifying dreams I would always wake up startled expecting to be in the hands of the thing after me.

It wasn't until a few years ago that these dreams stopped and at first I didn't even notice their absence, I just became used to the nights of full rest and peaceful vividly beautiful dreams. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized that I hadn't had one of those dreams in years and I began to examine what is was exactly that made them stop.

I've come to the conclusion that as a little one I was the type of child that had a vivid imagination, anything I saw or heard materialized not only in my head but in my life. As I got older and those fears subsided I began to become uncomfortable and uneasy in regards to myself. I didn't like who I was, didn't like the things that I said or did but yet didn't have the power to change it, didn't know where to start. I wanted to be different, but I didn't know what different was.

As I got older, graduated high school, went to college and traveled in Up With People, my world began to change. I began to grow into myself and the things that had once brought me to tears were now signatures of my personality. Instead of wanting to be like everyone else I listened to the advice of my mentors and parents and learned to accept who I was.

Looking back I realize that in my dreams the reason why I never saw what was chasing me is because I would have been face to face with my own reflection. I was my own monster...my own demon. I was running from everything that I was afraid of, not realizing that all of those things would turn me into the exact person I wanted to be.

By fearing being me, I for years kept myself from the happiness that comes with accepting your own identity. If I start having those dreams again I will know that it's time to start reflecting and remembering to accept the most influential person in my world, me.