Steps to peace...

I have never felt so in tune with myself as I've felt this past week. I feel weightless and free for the first time in a long time and it's such an intense and odd feeling.

I wish I could get an emotional X-ray right now. One that could pinpoint every emotional and feeling and put it into a more tangible form, a form that makes more sense because right now I'm not sure how I got here.

Things definitely aren't perfect in my life right now, not at all but yet my heart is in this amazing place where the little things are just that, little and the big things are elephants waiting to be eaten one bite at a time.

Things I've been doing that may have led to this new found happiness-

1. I just finished an amazing tour. I finished this past semester feeling full of life and passion for the world and the people in it. I had no regrets and I already feel ready to go back and meet the new cast and do the whole thing over again.

2. On Sunday I went to church with my parents and I ended up getting prayer from a lady at the church. I didn't want to get prayer for myself instead I was going to ask for them to pray for a friend of mine and his family. Without even saying a word the person that prayed for me just grabbed my hand and started saying one of the sweetest and most sincere prayers I've ever heard. She just knew everything...she knew it all. She was able to pray for my friend but then she prayed for me and she asked God to heal and touch me in places that I didn't even know were hurting. It was so beautiful, really one of the most beautiful moments of my life. At the end she hugged me and it was like I was hugging my best friend, even though we had just met.

3. I've been spending a lot of time with my parents. You know, I always seem to forget that my parents love me more than I can ever imagine and I won't know how much they love me truly until I have my own kids. This last week with my parents has really been just so nice, we've been able to talk and just do so many small things together that end up being so big. I feel like our relationship is really growing to a new level and that's awesome.

4. 8 hours...that's how much I've been sleeping every single night. I've been making sure that I get at least 8 hours of sleep every night and it's been so nice. My body feels refreshed and my mind feels like it's in tip top shape and it's a pretty cool feeling, I forgot what it felt like to be so well rested.

5. I've been reading a lot. I went to the Library yesterday and got a heaping load of books and in two days I've already read three books and started the fourth one. I remember in college my English professor told us in order to be a good writer you have to read and write every single day, so that's what I'm trying to get back to, reading and writing everyday.

The other day I saw my sister in law and she told me that she thought that I had changed since the last time she saw me, she said I seemed more mature and level headed. Let me tell you, that was so nice to hear from someone who has known me since I was young and quite out of control, it's a really nice feeling when you can tell that the change you feel on the inside is visible from the outside.

Anywho, what I'm getting at with this tangent is that something is different....I don't know what it is, but whatever it is it's a welcomed change. I feel like all the pain, all the hurt and all the unspoken fears are no longer holding me back. It seems weird writing it out and trying to put words to the feeling but I feel like I'm so alive, so alive. It's amazing, definitely a welcomed changed. And you know what? Since I like it so much, I'm gonna make sure it sticks.

xoxox Nik.