Things I'm working on

I'm working on not being so emotional. When I'm at school I'm so levelheaded and I think clearly because I don't allow my emotions to get in the way of my thinking. I do that because I know that I can't be emotional at school because too many people rely on me.

Now when I'm home, that's a different story.At home I now that there are so many people around for me to rely on, that I'm overly emotional. I don't cry as much as I used to but I still allow myself to get upset about little things because I know I'll get my way.

I know that if I start to cry or start throwing a fit about not having something I want, that everyone might tell me to stop, but they'll still give me what I want. I'm 20 years old and I'm still throwing tantrums, pretty much, because I know that my family loves me so much, that they would do anything for me, and that needs to stop.

I'm trying my hardest to really get my life in order, so that in two years when I'm living in New York City, four hours away from my family it won't be too bad of a culture shock. I need to be more independent, less emotional and more mature. I have two years to grow up and get my life 100% in order.

See when it comes to my future and the things I want to do as far as a career is concerned, I'm focused and completely motivated. But when it comes to becoming independent, I'm fighting against myself, because half of me wants to grow up, and the other half doesn't. A part of me loves it when my parents come and pick me up and college, and I love crawling into their bed and taking naps while they're at work.

A large part of me is just scared to grow up, scared to not see my parents everyday, because I just love them so much. But I know that I can't be a kid forever, and the only way for me to achieve all of my goals and actually survive in NYC, is for me to stop acting like a child, and grow up.

Over and Out. Nik