My Sleeve

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.

When I was a little girl, I was the most sensitive child that my parents could of conceived. I cried about TV shows, and about things I read in the paper, about books, and most frequently when my siblings teased me. I've grown out of my sensitivity thankfully, I still cry about books, and things I read, but I can now look at teasing as just that teasing.

That first paragraph doesn't have much to do with the way that i used to wear my heart. There's a reason why I'm just now beginning to get over my fear of letting people into my life. When I was younger my Uncle, who I looked up to and loved with all of my heart, devastated my family and broke my heart.

I think anyone who knows me has an idea of how much my family means to me, and my Uncle and Aunt and cousins are no exception. I grew up seeing my cousin Marion and her family at least twice a week, we would spend weekends at each others house, and talk all the time. My uncle was my second father, I respected him as much as I did my own dad, and would listen to everything he said.

I remember the day he left our church. He walked passed me and didn't even speak or say hello. Marion pulled me into the library and told me that they were leaving and all the reasons why, then we cried. We sat beside each other and just cried.

I don't really want to get into the details of that situation so I know it may be confusing to readers, but it took me till just recently to forgive me uncle. I didn't even realize that I had begun to harbor hate for him in my heart. How could someone that helped raise me, lie to my face, and single handedly break our family apart.

Ever since that happened, I've had such a hard time trusting people. My thought process is, if someone that close to me, could be so selfish and not care about the effects their choices would have on me, then how can I expect a boyfriend to care about my feelings or wellbeing. How can I really expect friends to always stick around when my closest family members didn't even stay around.

My own grandfather hasn't even made an effort to stay in my life. If HE, can meet me and leave, than how can I expect anyone else to stay around. There's a line from the song "Almost lover" it says,"do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life." Why don't people realize how fragile I am, I can't take people pretending to love me and than leaving me.

Please I beg anyone that wants to be in my life, please don't treat me like a revolving door. If your going to be around please stay around.

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I just hold it in my hand, searching for the right person to give it to, but they're no where in sight. I have too good of a father to have these kind of issues. It's funny how you can have such an effect on someones life. I doubt my uncle or my grandfather knew that they would mean so much to me that their absence would leave marks.

I refrained from using the word scars, because I'm starting to heal, but the marks are there. I love my grandfather so much, and the thing that upsets me the most about him, is that I know his days on this earth are numbered. He's edging up to the ninety years old mark, and I've only spent two whole days with him in my entire life. What am I going to do when he dies. They'll be apart of my history that is completely gone. I just don't understand why he doesn't make more of an effort to get to know my father, mother and my siblings and I.

He has such a great and amazing son, and he doesn't even know it. My dad is nothing like his father, he's always been there for me and I know he always will. Whenever I needed him I wouldn't even have to call he would already be there. I love him more than he'll ever know.

My grandfather and uncle have left marks in my life that I'm doing my best to erase. Though it will take a little more time, I'm on my way to being back to normal, and sooner or later, my heart will be back on my sleeve.