Home again

I'm sitting at my desk, Teddy and Wicked beside me peeking around the screen in their stuffed animal way trying to see what I'm typing. I'm home again, this time for the long haul, I have the whole summer ahead of me. A summer that will hopefully be filled with action and adventure. I warn you, this post will be quite on the long side seeing as I have a few topics to cover.

Yesterday was my last day as a sophomore in college. I must admit it was a rather bitter sweet feeling, college years fly by so fast. If you don't stop and smell the text books, next thing you know, poof it's all over. I'm not sure how I feel about my college life so far. I've gotten tremendous grades, to the point where I know that I will have no problem getting into Grad school. But so many things are missing.

This year I built some amazing friendships with some really outstanding people. The kind of people that get to know you so that they can recall things when you have conversations, and so that when your birthday comes around they can buy you all of your favorite things. The kind of friends that say "don't worry I'll never change, we'll always be friend," yep I met those kind of people. Sometimes when I think about my life I honestly have to say that I'm really lucky and God has truly blessed me.

Something is missing, this semester the relationship that Lindsey and I used to have was missing. We accounted it to the fact that we were both super busy with work this semester, but that's not it. I'm not sure exactly what is coming in between us, and making the majority of our encounters awkward, but I wish it would go away. I wish that we could go back to the way things were first semester of this year and just forget about how awful we were this semester. There's a big part of me that is scared that we won't get better from this, but the optimistic side of me is reassuring the pessimistic side that we will.

This year I got to attend a John Mayer concert, and also meet Travis McCoy, those two experiences were incredible. They helped to show me that music is one of my passions and that I can combine journalism and music and make it into a career that I will really enjoy. Because of this year I'm really looking forward to my future as a writer and I'm excited to see the kinds of people I meet and stories I write.

Something is missing, I barely read my bible or prayed this semester. I went to church maybe a few times, but not enough for me to really feel fulfilled. I wish that I had put more effort into staying closer to the Lord, because it would of made so many things so much easier. I know that I wouldn't of made a few of the decisions that are bothering me so much, and If I did I would of handled them better because I would have had the relationship to fall back on. I fail in the department of being consistent with God when I'm at college, I'm hoping that within the next two years that will all change, and our relationship will be stronger than ever.

This semester I spent a lot of time away from my parents, and it showed me that I've grown up a lot since my freshman year. I'm able to depend on myself for many things, and also I'm able to actually be away from them for a substantial amount of time without breaking down. I never thought that I would ever be able to be far away from my family, but by taking me to Cedar Crest College, God is preparing me for my life in New York. Also he's preparing me for my time with Up With People. I'm changing in certain aspects of my life and it's making me proud to be me.

Something is missing, I got attached to a boy this semester. unfortunately for me I got awfully attached to the point where now it just hurts. I let myself fall into a hole that was clearly labeled "Warning: nothing will come from this," that's a lie I didn't fall into the hole I jumped. I jumped right into the arms of someone that I knew wouldn't want to be with me. But to me, I had set my mind on achieving a goal and that mark had to be met.So congratulations to me, you reached your goal, you came, you saw, you conquered, and then you walked away in tears. I'm happy that summer is finally here so that I can have time to heal, I've never been so upset over a guy before. Chemistry, it's something else isn't it.

All in all this year has taught me a lot about myself. I always thought that I was weak, but I'm actually the strongest out of all of my friends. I let myself be weak at times but when push comes to shove, I know that I have to be strong. I have to be strong while everyone else is breaking down, and I have to deal with my pain in a way that helps me through it but doesn't destroy me. I'm growing up, I'm an adult and it's starting to show. Today I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl that just wants to sleep to avoid dealing with the feelings of pain and hurt that are floating all around her. Tomorrow I'm going to look at my reflection and see a person that is learning from their mistakes and not focusing on the past anymore.

If anyone got through this whole thing, I really appreciate it. I write to release and today I had more to release than usual. Time to get all my sadness out so that tomorrow it won't even be relevant. Over and Out. Nik.