I wonder if I ever cross your mind

I don't like feeling as if I don't have any choices, as if someone has made a decision for me that I wanted to make for myself. By doing something as blatantly disrespectful and hurtful as the thing that he did yesterday a decision was made that I don't think I could ever go back on. I wanna say that my feelings aren't hurt because of it, but I'm sure they are I'm just not letting myself feel it yet. I hate the fact that I can't change what happened. I hate the fact that I let myself think and daydream to the point where I could actually see myself with this person.

I think the part that will, eventually when I began to examine my feelings, hurt the most, is the fact that I could of seen myself letting down walls to love him. I saw us being happy together. Now all I see is us being friends, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not the greatest thing either. I have such an easy time forgiving people for the things that they do to me, but I have a very hard time forgetting, and that's what is going to keep us at the friend level. I forgive him already for it but I won't ever forget it, I won't forget how I can watch him literally change before my eyes after one drink.

His whole persona is different, his focus changes and I hate it. So I guess as much as I don't like people making decisions for me, it's good that he made this one for me. Because I don't know if I would of been able to walk away from it all had he not of done what he did. I hope he enjoyed his night of pleasure, I honestly do, because now he's set me free to live a life with someone else. I don't know who yet. But in my heart I know that I was hoping it would be him. I asked peoples advice acting and lying to myself like I didn't know what or who I wanted, but in the end it always would of been him. No matter what the pros and cons added up to, I would of chosen him.