I was at my schools production of Vagina Monologues sitting in the back of the theater, with the rest of the cast. My friend Hauna was on stage doing her part, Bob. Her monologue is about how a girl met a man named Bob and he taught her how to love her vagina. Now just a small disclaimer, the sadness of my day had nothing to do with me trying to love my vagina.
While she was doing her monologue, she got to the part where she talks about Bob staring at her vagina for an hour or so and telling her how beautiful it was. When I heard her I started to think about my future, and how when I get married I'm going to be having sex with only one guy for the rest of my life.
I received this large sense of approval thinking of the fact that I would love a man and he would love me back and we would be faithful to each other all of our lives. But then I started to think about all of the guys I've kissed, only three, Joe, Jon, and Garrett. And I thought about the fact that when I was younger I always said the first guy I kissed will be the last guy I kissed.
Then I began to think about the fact that I'm never going to kiss, Joe, Jon or Garrett again. Which led me to ponder the fact that they've probably already done things with so many other girls after me. When I thought about that I began to tear up, it blew my mind to come to the realization that for these three men, the encounter that they had with me honestly meant nothing.
I was just another girl on their list of chicks that they've made out with. It was very easy for me to make the decision after having that feeling to never kiss a guy that I'm not in a relationship with ever again. It hurts to see someone you've liked with someone else, especially when you feel like you meant nothing to them.
I'm to precious to be thinking that I meant nothing to someone, especially someone that meant something to me. I really like myself, and spending time with certain people has shown me that I'm a very likable girl. I'm smart, funny, outgoing, beautiful and very talented.
That's not me being conceited either, I struggle everyday to have the confidence to walk with my head held high, and to appreciate myself the way that God made me. I have to remember the way that people have made me feel, and the nice things others have said to me just to be nice and with no ulterior motives.
For now on I'm not going to give a guy the power to make me feel bad about myself. The power to make me feel like I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough. I know who I am and I love it.
I want to meet someone that chases me and shows me that he's willing to wait to do things with me because he desires to be in my life that bad. I want someone to make me feel comfortable to be myself again, I want someone to remind me of that feeling that I had that day. Pretty much I want someone to be in my life for good, and I don't want them or myself to have to worry about who there with when we're no longer together.
In a nutshell, all I'm saying, is that i can't wait until I'm finally, irreplaceable.
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