Another page in this book

So I follow a few blogs..and by few I mean three..my friends Abby, Jason Mraz and this other lady. I was reading a blog that Mr. Mraz posted and he asked a question that really stuck with me..the question was..what lights you up??? and it made me think what makes me happy in this world...what lights me up, and it's hard to put my finger on one thing because a lot of the little things in this world make me happy.

God makes me happy.....he's the roots in my life..the base of every single thing in my life that makes me happy. Today I got to take pictures and dance really stupid around with some of my best friends and it made me appreciate the friends God has blessed me with. It made me appreciate having feet and legs that can move and not having any disabilities that keep me from doing things like dancing. Oh how I love to dance...that's something that definitely lights me up.....it makes me feel so weightless that's one thing I love...I love it when I do something and I feel weightless..that's what lights me up.

I'm different lately...I take pictures and I don't automatically check them to see if whether or not their cute, I'm different in the way that I'm appreciating my body a lot more. I'm loving myself more, I'm finding this deeper appreciation for the muscles and bones that make up this body that I possess. I'm so blessed....with a great family and beautiful friends and a mindset that propels me towards success and happiness. I'm blessed that God never left me or forsake me but instead always reassures me that he's right by my side.

I'm blessed and when I think about how blessed I am it lights up my life....if God never did anything else for me I would still have to thank him because he's done too much for me all ready. I'm blessed and I'm filling up my life with light.

This picture is an example of how I've been feeling lately...blurry and unfocused. Have you ever felt like your watching every one around you live there lives..doing things that you've always wanted to do...going places you've always wanted to go. That's how I feel, I want to travel the world I want to meet different people all over the world, I want to go skinny dipping in Colorado. There are so many different things that I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to do, and I don't know if I'm just being ungrateful but I need to get away. Currently in my professional life I've been doing really well, this semester I've gotten amazing grades, I've improved as a dancer and I also may have an internship for next year. I really do have a lot to be grateful for I'm being proactive in my life and I feel like I'm following my bliss. But then I see people in places like Hawaii performing on a stage on kids on the beaches of California just drinking and having a good time, and it makes me think that I'm not really living. I think I just really need to realize how great my life has turned out, and it's not that I've settled for less or anything but I'm genuinely on my way to being blissfully happy. I just have to remember that everything that glitters isn't gold...the people on the beach and those in California are doing things that make them happy. I have to follow my bliss and do what makes me happy though I may be blurry and unfocused I'm on my way to being really happy. Seriously I thank God for the life I'm living....it's battered and broken and may steer off track sometimes but it's still mine.

the only exception

And i've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk, but

You, are, the only exception

I'm pretty sure I may be half a man

I had an epiphany today.....I'm clearly half a man. I was thinking about relationships just now and I was thinking about how I think I like this kid and then I was like well what about all the other guys in the world. How messed up is that...I mean why is it that I had to think of that today....why is it that I'm even thinking about it at all.

This week is clearly my over thinking week because I never analyze something as much as I'm analyzing this. The thing is that I always let myself get caught up in the fantasy of a person and once I get to know them the fantasy is gone and I can't take them not being the way I imagined them.

But in this case I know him, I know his faults and the dumb jokes he tells and the way he plays with his friends and just how amazing he is. But does that mean I should like him, since I know he's an amazing guy that is going to make someone really happy one day, does that necessarily mean I have to be that special someone for him? I don't really know I guess I'll find out eventually if it's worth me even thinking about.

The problem is I can picture myself telling him things I've never told anyone before and introducing him to my parents and my siblings but the weirdest part is that I can picture myself holding his hand. I hate holding hands I think it's pointless and can get a little gross and clammy but I can see myself doing it with him. I really don't know if I like him or not, what I do know though is that I get angry when he talks to girls, I don't get jealous I just get either annoyed or angry.

When he runs to his phone to return a text message I want to throw his phone across the room. But then again when I think about it I know that I am honestly not in the place in my relationship with God where I need to have anymore distractions. I just really don't know what to think about this person I don't get butterflies when I see him or when I picture his face, but I think about him all the time.

So what does that mean.....I got butterflies with every other guy I ever talked to before, but I was never as comfortable with them as I am with him. I wish I could talk to someone about this but I'd seriously just rather not speak it out loud. I honestly don't know what's up with me, people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that it makes the heart grow crazier, I feel like my mind is going crazy over him. I hate it but also I like it cause I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time.......so I'm predicting that when break is over he'll tell me about a girl he likes and I'll smile and nod.

I guess depending on how bad it hurts will help me decide if I actually like him or not. I wish I was beautiful....I bet beautiful girls never worry about this kind of stuff......I wish I was either beautiful or a guy...this would be so .much .easier.if.I.Was.a.GUY.

wwwoooo just wait one second

Ok so this whole not being scared to live life...is so hard! Seriously I know that eventually once I get used to pushing past the initial fear and just doing what I want..it should get easier but right now it's so hard. I think it's the uncertainty of putting yourself out there that scares me so much.

It's like ok here I'll put my heart and soul out here for you to maybe feel the same way as me but you probably won't but hey let's see what happens......ugghhh that's horrifying. I seriously don't want to be the girl that keeps thinking about the one person that I thought about every single day but never went after. I'm scared of how people will react to the different ways this situation could turn out.

I'm scared of what it could do to our friendship and out group of friends..I'm scared that he won't feel the same way. But my biggest fear is that this is another one of my phases. See I used to do these things where I liked a guy just because I thought he was out of my reach and as soon as he liked me back I no longer liked him anymore...I was only after the chase. Well I can't do this with this guy that isn't even an option for this situation.

So what if I tell him how I think I might feel and then if he reciprocates I just decide that i never really liked him in the first place. I feel like the dumbest person in the world with all these what ifs, and for those that don't know me you probably think I over think every single situation but I promise you I don't. It's just those darn matters of the heart...they make me think way to much.
Happy Turkey day!

I wrote...

About a year ago I wrote myself a letter and I just reread it for the first time in a long time and I'm really happy that I did....thank God that I did I really needed it.

"letter to self"
don't be afraid to look dumb or fail. Don't be afraid of rejection. Don't be afraid to say no or yes. Just don't be afraid to live everyday to the fullest. Love with all you have, be the exception and never forget who you are.
with love,
Nicole

I remember the day I wrote this I was in practice and I had just given up the chance to meet Sacha Fletcher because I was too nervous and I just couldn't get myself to speak to him. I don't regret it though because it taught me that my fears honestly can hold me back in life and I really don't need them too. Man...I'm so scared lol but I'm not gonna let it hold me back, I'm just gonna see what happens with this I won't get my hopes up or get any expectation I'm just not gonna be afraid. That's my goal for the rest of my life to not be afraid, to give my life to God, to be the person that I'm destined to be, to travel to the places that I'm meant to travel to and to love. I'm facing my fears and I'm not sure where that's going to lead me but I'm facing my fears and opening my heart to the possibilities.

Music floods my brain

Right now I'm sitting in my friends dorm room listening to John Mayer and I just became ridiculously grateful for all of the friends that I have in my life. Last night I got to spend time with my friends from a different college and usually it's me and Lindsey but since Linds is in D.C I went by myself.

I didn't have a problem with going by myself but the thing is that all of my friends there are guys and people always get the wrong idea when I say that I'm going to hang out with all of my guy friends. But they're honestly some of the nicest, considerate and protective boys that I've had the pleasure of getting to know.

I haven't know them that long and they are so easy to talk to and whenever I need something they're always there for me. But I used to always think that they liked Lindsey a lot more than they liked me and last night just sealed the deal for me that they like us both equally. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all and I got to spend time with each person and got to wrestle Dave which was hilarious but I just really had such a good time.

I'm going to miss them so much over this Thanksgiving break and I don't even want to think about Christmas break because I don't want to think about going that long without seeing them. They honestly make me and Lindsey so happy I love them to death. It's weird because I've never had real male friends all of my guy friends from home are either dating one of my friends or have tried or are trying to get with me in some way. Like Joey kept saying stuff to me last time I went home and it was weird cause he like turned me down when I liked him saying we were just friends to people and now he's making all these advances at me and I don't like it.

The only thing I need in my life right now are some real friends and I'm just really thankful that God has placed so many great people in my life because I would honestly be lost here without them. Every time I found out that I'm hanging out with them I look forward to it all week and like count down the days, just like I do when I know I'm hanging out with my best friends at home.

I'm so afraid to ruin the friendship that I've built with all of them that I would never ever entertain the thoughts that sometime come in to my mind just because of the fact that if anything happened and they stopped talking to me for some reason I would be absolutely devastated. No lie I would probably cry my eyes out, we're getting to the point where we actually have deep conversations about things and I'm scared that this is all to good to be true.