Tender

All I really, really want our love to do, is to bring out the best in me and in you too.--Joni Mitchell

ok..

One day I just want to do something completely reckless and absurd, and just see how many people that judge me. All the people that I made exceptions for and never treated them differently because of the decisions that they made. All the people that hold me up to this ridiculous standard that is so hard to live up to. I'm starting to get so tired of people and their largely biased double standard.

wooahhh

I had the craziest weekend,I really need to blog about it, but I don't want anyone to read it and judge me sooo...I may wait a while to talk about it.

attention dynamic

For a second I could of sworn I was on drugs. I was addicted to what was happening, I tried to leave but something kept pulling me back. I walked away floating on cloud nine hoping that it would never end. Who knows, maybe it won't.

Abby said it best

So I follow one of my really good friends from homes blog, her name is Abigail and I'm almost certain that we're the same person. She said something on her blog that made me think that she reads my diary, she summed up what i want in a few simple sentences. So instead of me rewording it to sound like my own divine device I'm just going to quote her.
"What I so desperately crave for is a man who tears down all the walls. Breaks the tape, pushes past the boundaries...tells me I am over analyzing and being completely ridiculous and over dramatic. Sometimes I wish I could say it all up front and not be afraid..but I only know what is safe. I am safe.....safe, secure and very alone."

I feel the same way. That gal is brilliant and she doesn't even know it.

Greys...

"The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was making us high, stops feeling good,and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick that habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting go hurts even worse."

Marie Claire

Yesterday While I was sitting in the newsroom at my school waiting for the paper to be sent, I came across an article in Marie Claire that this young lady had written. The article was about her dating life and how she had always equated the butterflies that she got in her stomach, to her body telling her that she must really like the guy.

Well to make a short article even shorter she goes on to explain that those weren't feelings of love and care but actually fear of losing that person or not being enough for them. She then describes the current relationship she's in and how for once in her life she's not getting butterflies, but instead finally feeling happy and secure in a relationship.

I could really relate to the things that were said in the article because that's exactly how I used to think, and still catch myself thinking at times. I think that if man doesn't give me butterflies than he obviously isn't the guy for me. If a man doesn't turn my stomach into sushi that obviously I'm not attracted to him. I've found that most bad boys give me the butterflies the most, I see them and my stomach does all kinds of flips.

Then I'll see a normal good guy and I won't feel butterflies at all. When I examine the two types of guys the good guy can be more attractive and nicer to me and just all around better, but I'd always go after the bad guy. Why?? Just for the rush, the feeling that they may not like me back or want to be around me.

But I've learned that it's so much better when you meet someone that finally gives you the time and attention you deserve. I've grown in the years that I've been in college in the way that I've learned to value myself. I've learned that butterflies were made up to make you think that they're a good thing, but they're definitely not.

The one thing that helps me to not believe in the myth of "butterfly" love anymore is to let my mind wander back to every guy I've ever had feelings for. All but one of them gave me butterflies, every single guy, except for one. Now all of those guys that gave me butterflies I knew for a long time and the treated me like nothing special, the one I knew for hardly anytime and he gave me the time of day.

Butterflies are unnecessary and superficial, but until you meet the one that makes you feel confident to be yourself, you'll never believe me.