The haunting of 24

In ten days I will, for the third year in a row, celebrate my birthday outside of my own country and without my twin brother. The beginning part is awesome and the latter sucks. I have really had quite the whirlwind of a life and where it has taken me and where I am right now is exactly where I want to be and not at all where I had planned to be.

When I celebrated my birthday in the exact same place where I am right now two years ago, I never really thought that I would ever come back. But here I am, almost exactly two years to the date and my life has just continued to grow and improve so much.

I'm not sure as a kid where I told myself I would be at 24. I imagine hoping that by now I wouldn't have to share birthdays with my twin anymore and be able to have my own day, but instead I'm wishing he were here so that we could celebrate together.

Many women run from the daunting idea of growing older...aging. But I welcome it with open arms, with age comes wisdom and more years on this beautiful earth and those are both things that I value and hope to never take for granted. I know that this is just the beginning of how incredible, hard and unpredicatable my life is going to be and just like 24 I look forward to it affectionately!

Paint and pictures

I used to think that when I got in my twenties I would have it all figured out..man was I wrong.

Life is like a candy store, that is different for every single person and sometimes you walk through the door and it's all of a sudden a bread shop and no longer a candy store.

Yeah, it's like that.

When I think of my future and what it holds for me I imagine a blank canvas with colorful stitching around the border. There are only two types of stitching but they're both extremely different and the difference are both made up of things that I enjoy. I know that depending on what I decide to fill the canvas with I'll have to change the stitching, pick one or the other.

I feel as if I should be slightly uncomfortable with the blankness of my canvas but instead I'm intrigued by what will end up covering it. Will it be something that I never expected that incorporates both stitching or will it be a plan that ends with a picture and not a painting. That might not make much sense but that's so accurate of what the future is like.

I believe in creating your own future and not waiting for fate to just take you somewhere but I also believe that life happens and sometimes plans change...so what will happen and what might change while I'm busy making plans?

Not sure.

What I'm very sure of though, is that I'm going to have an awesome life and that's what is important to me, the rest are just the details and I'll figure those out when they come.

The time I got away...

I planned to write about you..to put you on a page. But then I realized all my words were nothing compared to you.

You were everything and nothing all at once and I don't know how to explain that.

We developed out of no where and ended just as soon and walking away from you was the only decision I made through the whole thing that was well thought out....well planned.

Being a part of your life was one of the hardest things I've ever done and leaving it was just as difficult.

I wish we could have started out as friends and just stayed there...we would have been such good friends.

But instead we went too fast, people said we'd crash and we screamed at them we wouldn't....but then we did. And the fire burned us up, but our bodies were saved and all that was torched was our hearts.

My intention was to spit you out and leave you here and simply walk away, but just like all our other plans it won't work.

I apologize for the yesterdays and all the days before and even more for the tomorrow's we never got to have.

Our choices, our decisions led to our demise and the dramatics that followed led to nothing being left behind.

In the end all I have are memories and a faint heart shaped scar embedded in my chest.

You were all of it and then none of it and it seemed to happen all at once and way too soon.

We were drowning with our heads up and our eyes wide open, hoping that eventually our feet would hit the bottom of an endless pool.

Always the optimist.

If I could go back in time and repack every word, I'm sure that it would end the same with me laying them out  one at a time carefully to dry.

You told me that I'd always be the one that got away and I never told you that I think of our season as the time I got away.

So I'll say the kind of goodbye that seems temporary and somehow just lasts forever and grab my suitcase of words and walk away.

Behind me is only you.

Behind you is only me.

But ahead of us... the road is paved with untouched concrete and the possibilities of the next one and the right one await us.

Words

I believe in words.

I have a feeling that not many people do anymore. I believe in the power they possess and the way they can change a life.

I believe in the change that comes from the utterance of the words "I can" and the defeat that sets in when a person says "I can't."

I believe in the faith that comes from the words "I believe in you," even when spoken by a stranger and I believe in the belief that consumes your thoughts when you believe those words.

I hold true to the words that speak kind laying softly on my ears hoping that I will one day look away from the ground and up to the sky.

I believe in the words of my mother, that tell me "you're going to have such a beautiful life," and even though they're said through tears I believe that they're happy.

I never forget the words of my father that remind me "no matter where you are, I'm still your dad," that soft reminder echoing loudly in my mind when distance once again becomes an issue.

I believe that your thoughts become your words and that your words eventually become your actions and that those actions can strongly dictate the course of your future.

I believe that the word "love" is overused and underused and I'm still confused about how I can feel so strongly about such conflicting ideas.

I believe in the word LIFE and how when spoken with conviction and faith it can fill dead lungs with air...I believe.

I believe in words and the way they fill pages and turn letters into words and sentences into award winning novels. I believe in words and the way they can calm a child in seconds and ruin a relationship even quicker.

Words, so powerful yet so rarely used to their full potential.

The dynamics of being dynamic...

One of the perks of having the awesome job that I have, is that I get to have an intern. My current intern is the 7th intern I've had since working for Up With People and he's a ginger from Belgium named Bert. You will be quizzed on the color of his hair later. 

Bert is awesome. He's quiet at first but the more you get to know him the more he opens up and gifts you with his personality. The reason why I'm writing about Bert is because one of his intern ship goals has challenged me to take a closer look at myself. One of Bert's goals is to be dynamic. 

Dictionary.com defines dynamic as "pertaining too or characterized by energy or effective action." What a word. I can honestly say that it's not every day that I hear that word and when I do it sticks out in my mind. Since we started talking more frequently I've heard Bert say that word five times and each time I'm just like "wow, what a word."

So from that, I've found myself observing and trying to dissect the qualities of people that I consider to be dynamic. 

For example, Anderson Cooper. I respect him a lot as a journalist, I think that he's not only good at what he does but he also makes you care about what he talk about. He has a way of drawing people in and making them excited about whatever topic he's excited about. The man is dynamite and I think it goes without saying that I think he's dynamic. 

So what makes him dynamic. Well, when I analyze him  I think that his passion plays a large part in his charisma and energy. He loves what he does and he works everyday at his passion and that shows in the quality of his work. He's effective in what he does because he pursues topics and is focused, in my opinion, more on the process and less on the outcome. As a journalist in the beginning of his career with CNN, AC would pursue stories in such a dedicated way that it was clear that he just wanted the information so that he could write an article or present a news cast that was informative. He wanted America to be informed, whether he was the most watched journalist in the country or not was less important compared to citizens just simply being informed. 

So, how dynamic am I? Do I attach myself more to the outcome, forgetting the why with the process, or do I do my job because it's the right thing to do, regardless of how it turns out? 

How dynamic are you? Are you the kind of person that strangers meet and never forget? Do you leave impressions in peoples hearts long after they've encountered you? 

I feel like that's something everyone should think about. What kind of person are you and what kind of impact exactly are you making on the world? 

The dynamics of being dynamic.....Hey, believe me I don't have it down, but I will one day. And man, will that be the day. 

The funny thing is Bert is already more dynamic than a lot of people I know and he doesn't even realize it. 

I HATE BULLYING!

Stop being mean and start respecting yourself and the people around you...

My least favorite thing! Don't be that person.

Benedict

I read something recently on a blog that I came across and it touched me. It hit me in one of those places that makes you stop and realize how similar we are in this world. We're so alike that someone in another country, of a different gender, who has never met me, was able to size a certain part of me up in just a few small simple sentences.

He said "I fall in love all the time. With music, film, poetry. A smile. A bum. But rarely the whole of someone."

So true. If you've met me in person or spent any real time with me, you'll know that I say the word love a lot. Not necessarily in regards to people but more so things. I love the rain and hugging trees and I love my computer and I love the way my bed at home engulfs me after a long day. I love opening mail and sending long emails to friends, I love writing letters...you get the point. I love things and not in a superficial "you can't really love those things kind of way," but in a real smile inducing, heart touching, love filled way. I'm a lover.

But as the quotation above says and grounds me so firmly with, is the idea that, yes, I do fall in love all the time, but rarely and so far never with the whole of someone.

I love his determination but I hate the way he smiles at things that aren't really that funny. His passion makes me want to go out and change the world but his lack of respect for his own body makes me doubt his judgement. His love for children, reminds me of why I want to be a mother so badly, but the way he treats people who hurt him makes me want to never be on his bad side.

See, there's always a reason and though the ones above aren't all attached to the same person they are all connected to the same concept of loving one part but completely rejecting the others.

I heard someone say once that real love is being able to not only deal with but accept someone's faults. I think I can safely say that I have yet to come across that kind of love romantically and that's okay, totally okay with me.

But I do find it interesting that something I bring up on a daily basis, love, I have such a hard time giving fully to others. But I don't think I was ever so consciously aware of it until now and now that I'm aware it's up to me to decide if I actually want to change or not.

Decisions, decisions.