I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.
When I was a little girl, I was the most sensitive child that my parents could of conceived. I cried about TV shows, and about things I read in the paper, about books, and most frequently when my siblings teased me. I've grown out of my sensitivity thankfully, I still cry about books, and things I read, but I can now look at teasing as just that teasing.
That first paragraph doesn't have much to do with the way that i used to wear my heart. There's a reason why I'm just now beginning to get over my fear of letting people into my life. When I was younger my Uncle, who I looked up to and loved with all of my heart, devastated my family and broke my heart.
I think anyone who knows me has an idea of how much my family means to me, and my Uncle and Aunt and cousins are no exception. I grew up seeing my cousin Marion and her family at least twice a week, we would spend weekends at each others house, and talk all the time. My uncle was my second father, I respected him as much as I did my own dad, and would listen to everything he said.
I remember the day he left our church. He walked passed me and didn't even speak or say hello. Marion pulled me into the library and told me that they were leaving and all the reasons why, then we cried. We sat beside each other and just cried.
I don't really want to get into the details of that situation so I know it may be confusing to readers, but it took me till just recently to forgive me uncle. I didn't even realize that I had begun to harbor hate for him in my heart. How could someone that helped raise me, lie to my face, and single handedly break our family apart.
Ever since that happened, I've had such a hard time trusting people. My thought process is, if someone that close to me, could be so selfish and not care about the effects their choices would have on me, then how can I expect a boyfriend to care about my feelings or wellbeing. How can I really expect friends to always stick around when my closest family members didn't even stay around.
My own grandfather hasn't even made an effort to stay in my life. If HE, can meet me and leave, than how can I expect anyone else to stay around. There's a line from the song "Almost lover" it says,"do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life." Why don't people realize how fragile I am, I can't take people pretending to love me and than leaving me.
Please I beg anyone that wants to be in my life, please don't treat me like a revolving door. If your going to be around please stay around.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now I just hold it in my hand, searching for the right person to give it to, but they're no where in sight. I have too good of a father to have these kind of issues. It's funny how you can have such an effect on someones life. I doubt my uncle or my grandfather knew that they would mean so much to me that their absence would leave marks.
I refrained from using the word scars, because I'm starting to heal, but the marks are there. I love my grandfather so much, and the thing that upsets me the most about him, is that I know his days on this earth are numbered. He's edging up to the ninety years old mark, and I've only spent two whole days with him in my entire life. What am I going to do when he dies. They'll be apart of my history that is completely gone. I just don't understand why he doesn't make more of an effort to get to know my father, mother and my siblings and I.
He has such a great and amazing son, and he doesn't even know it. My dad is nothing like his father, he's always been there for me and I know he always will. Whenever I needed him I wouldn't even have to call he would already be there. I love him more than he'll ever know.
My grandfather and uncle have left marks in my life that I'm doing my best to erase. Though it will take a little more time, I'm on my way to being back to normal, and sooner or later, my heart will be back on my sleeve.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Lets replay the melody
Music. Music. Music.
I can't get over the way that music makes me feel. I listen to it all day, every single day. The same playlists, over, and over again. But here's the thing, I never get tired of it. I can be having the worst day, until I press play.....then all of my cares fly away.
I can be in one of those moods where I feel like no one understand what I'm going through, but then I press play, and I realize someone out there gets it. Music and i are having this secret love affair that's going to leave me heart broken because I'll never get enough.
Every time I sit down to do anything on Sir Lancelot, the music must come on. Even if I'm just checking my email. Usually my music makes me cry. It could be the happiest song, but yet it'll pull at some cord in my heart that just makes the tears flow.
There are certain songs that no matter when I listen to them, something inside of me just breaks. One of those songs for some reason is "Brick by Boring Brick" by the band Paramore. There's a line in that song that says "you built up a world of magic because your real life is tragic," for some reason that always makes me want to cry. Don't ask me why, I don't think my life is tragic, or maybe subconsciously I think that some parts of my existence are indeed tragic. I don't know.
Then there are those love songs, that make me feel like my heart has been broken or something. You hear the singers raspy voice rushing over soft chords of a acoustic guitar and I automatically feel like I can relate.
I just love the way that stuff makes me feel. It makes all my troubles go away, I can't thank the Lord enough for the impact he has allowed music to have on my life.
Music. Music. Music. Over and Out.Nik.
I can't get over the way that music makes me feel. I listen to it all day, every single day. The same playlists, over, and over again. But here's the thing, I never get tired of it. I can be having the worst day, until I press play.....then all of my cares fly away.
I can be in one of those moods where I feel like no one understand what I'm going through, but then I press play, and I realize someone out there gets it. Music and i are having this secret love affair that's going to leave me heart broken because I'll never get enough.
Every time I sit down to do anything on Sir Lancelot, the music must come on. Even if I'm just checking my email. Usually my music makes me cry. It could be the happiest song, but yet it'll pull at some cord in my heart that just makes the tears flow.
There are certain songs that no matter when I listen to them, something inside of me just breaks. One of those songs for some reason is "Brick by Boring Brick" by the band Paramore. There's a line in that song that says "you built up a world of magic because your real life is tragic," for some reason that always makes me want to cry. Don't ask me why, I don't think my life is tragic, or maybe subconsciously I think that some parts of my existence are indeed tragic. I don't know.
Then there are those love songs, that make me feel like my heart has been broken or something. You hear the singers raspy voice rushing over soft chords of a acoustic guitar and I automatically feel like I can relate.
I just love the way that stuff makes me feel. It makes all my troubles go away, I can't thank the Lord enough for the impact he has allowed music to have on my life.
Music. Music. Music. Over and Out.Nik.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Home again
I'm sitting at my desk, Teddy and Wicked beside me peeking around the screen in their stuffed animal way trying to see what I'm typing. I'm home again, this time for the long haul, I have the whole summer ahead of me. A summer that will hopefully be filled with action and adventure. I warn you, this post will be quite on the long side seeing as I have a few topics to cover.
Yesterday was my last day as a sophomore in college. I must admit it was a rather bitter sweet feeling, college years fly by so fast. If you don't stop and smell the text books, next thing you know, poof it's all over. I'm not sure how I feel about my college life so far. I've gotten tremendous grades, to the point where I know that I will have no problem getting into Grad school. But so many things are missing.
This year I built some amazing friendships with some really outstanding people. The kind of people that get to know you so that they can recall things when you have conversations, and so that when your birthday comes around they can buy you all of your favorite things. The kind of friends that say "don't worry I'll never change, we'll always be friend," yep I met those kind of people. Sometimes when I think about my life I honestly have to say that I'm really lucky and God has truly blessed me.
Something is missing, this semester the relationship that Lindsey and I used to have was missing. We accounted it to the fact that we were both super busy with work this semester, but that's not it. I'm not sure exactly what is coming in between us, and making the majority of our encounters awkward, but I wish it would go away. I wish that we could go back to the way things were first semester of this year and just forget about how awful we were this semester. There's a big part of me that is scared that we won't get better from this, but the optimistic side of me is reassuring the pessimistic side that we will.
This year I got to attend a John Mayer concert, and also meet Travis McCoy, those two experiences were incredible. They helped to show me that music is one of my passions and that I can combine journalism and music and make it into a career that I will really enjoy. Because of this year I'm really looking forward to my future as a writer and I'm excited to see the kinds of people I meet and stories I write.
Something is missing, I barely read my bible or prayed this semester. I went to church maybe a few times, but not enough for me to really feel fulfilled. I wish that I had put more effort into staying closer to the Lord, because it would of made so many things so much easier. I know that I wouldn't of made a few of the decisions that are bothering me so much, and If I did I would of handled them better because I would have had the relationship to fall back on. I fail in the department of being consistent with God when I'm at college, I'm hoping that within the next two years that will all change, and our relationship will be stronger than ever.
This semester I spent a lot of time away from my parents, and it showed me that I've grown up a lot since my freshman year. I'm able to depend on myself for many things, and also I'm able to actually be away from them for a substantial amount of time without breaking down. I never thought that I would ever be able to be far away from my family, but by taking me to Cedar Crest College, God is preparing me for my life in New York. Also he's preparing me for my time with Up With People. I'm changing in certain aspects of my life and it's making me proud to be me.
Something is missing, I got attached to a boy this semester. unfortunately for me I got awfully attached to the point where now it just hurts. I let myself fall into a hole that was clearly labeled "Warning: nothing will come from this," that's a lie I didn't fall into the hole I jumped. I jumped right into the arms of someone that I knew wouldn't want to be with me. But to me, I had set my mind on achieving a goal and that mark had to be met.So congratulations to me, you reached your goal, you came, you saw, you conquered, and then you walked away in tears. I'm happy that summer is finally here so that I can have time to heal, I've never been so upset over a guy before. Chemistry, it's something else isn't it.
All in all this year has taught me a lot about myself. I always thought that I was weak, but I'm actually the strongest out of all of my friends. I let myself be weak at times but when push comes to shove, I know that I have to be strong. I have to be strong while everyone else is breaking down, and I have to deal with my pain in a way that helps me through it but doesn't destroy me. I'm growing up, I'm an adult and it's starting to show. Today I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl that just wants to sleep to avoid dealing with the feelings of pain and hurt that are floating all around her. Tomorrow I'm going to look at my reflection and see a person that is learning from their mistakes and not focusing on the past anymore.
If anyone got through this whole thing, I really appreciate it. I write to release and today I had more to release than usual. Time to get all my sadness out so that tomorrow it won't even be relevant. Over and Out. Nik.
Yesterday was my last day as a sophomore in college. I must admit it was a rather bitter sweet feeling, college years fly by so fast. If you don't stop and smell the text books, next thing you know, poof it's all over. I'm not sure how I feel about my college life so far. I've gotten tremendous grades, to the point where I know that I will have no problem getting into Grad school. But so many things are missing.
This year I built some amazing friendships with some really outstanding people. The kind of people that get to know you so that they can recall things when you have conversations, and so that when your birthday comes around they can buy you all of your favorite things. The kind of friends that say "don't worry I'll never change, we'll always be friend," yep I met those kind of people. Sometimes when I think about my life I honestly have to say that I'm really lucky and God has truly blessed me.
Something is missing, this semester the relationship that Lindsey and I used to have was missing. We accounted it to the fact that we were both super busy with work this semester, but that's not it. I'm not sure exactly what is coming in between us, and making the majority of our encounters awkward, but I wish it would go away. I wish that we could go back to the way things were first semester of this year and just forget about how awful we were this semester. There's a big part of me that is scared that we won't get better from this, but the optimistic side of me is reassuring the pessimistic side that we will.
This year I got to attend a John Mayer concert, and also meet Travis McCoy, those two experiences were incredible. They helped to show me that music is one of my passions and that I can combine journalism and music and make it into a career that I will really enjoy. Because of this year I'm really looking forward to my future as a writer and I'm excited to see the kinds of people I meet and stories I write.
Something is missing, I barely read my bible or prayed this semester. I went to church maybe a few times, but not enough for me to really feel fulfilled. I wish that I had put more effort into staying closer to the Lord, because it would of made so many things so much easier. I know that I wouldn't of made a few of the decisions that are bothering me so much, and If I did I would of handled them better because I would have had the relationship to fall back on. I fail in the department of being consistent with God when I'm at college, I'm hoping that within the next two years that will all change, and our relationship will be stronger than ever.
This semester I spent a lot of time away from my parents, and it showed me that I've grown up a lot since my freshman year. I'm able to depend on myself for many things, and also I'm able to actually be away from them for a substantial amount of time without breaking down. I never thought that I would ever be able to be far away from my family, but by taking me to Cedar Crest College, God is preparing me for my life in New York. Also he's preparing me for my time with Up With People. I'm changing in certain aspects of my life and it's making me proud to be me.
Something is missing, I got attached to a boy this semester. unfortunately for me I got awfully attached to the point where now it just hurts. I let myself fall into a hole that was clearly labeled "Warning: nothing will come from this," that's a lie I didn't fall into the hole I jumped. I jumped right into the arms of someone that I knew wouldn't want to be with me. But to me, I had set my mind on achieving a goal and that mark had to be met.So congratulations to me, you reached your goal, you came, you saw, you conquered, and then you walked away in tears. I'm happy that summer is finally here so that I can have time to heal, I've never been so upset over a guy before. Chemistry, it's something else isn't it.
All in all this year has taught me a lot about myself. I always thought that I was weak, but I'm actually the strongest out of all of my friends. I let myself be weak at times but when push comes to shove, I know that I have to be strong. I have to be strong while everyone else is breaking down, and I have to deal with my pain in a way that helps me through it but doesn't destroy me. I'm growing up, I'm an adult and it's starting to show. Today I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl that just wants to sleep to avoid dealing with the feelings of pain and hurt that are floating all around her. Tomorrow I'm going to look at my reflection and see a person that is learning from their mistakes and not focusing on the past anymore.
If anyone got through this whole thing, I really appreciate it. I write to release and today I had more to release than usual. Time to get all my sadness out so that tomorrow it won't even be relevant. Over and Out. Nik.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
future endeavors
Tomorrow night, when I'm snuggled up in my bed, blankets puddling around my legs encompassing my ankles I must remember to write. This is a reminder to myself to blog about the song, if it kills me by Jason Mraz, and I just haven't met you yet,by Michael Buble. Also I need to write about my sophomore year in college and how it feels to be a junior. I'm excited and nervous about what this summer holds for me. Here's to hoping that it brings me closer to God and closer to myself. Over and Out. Nik.
Monday, May 10, 2010
One..more...final
So I have friends, and hypothetically speaking lets say these friends are named, Brenna, Natalie, Nicole and Cory. I've spent so much time with these ladies this semester that they seem more like family to me than just friends. I sleep in Nicole and Natalie's room with them almost every night now, because Natalie and I stay up late talking so much that it's more convenient for me to be prepared to sleep there.
Brenna is my roommate for next year and we've already bonded so much that I know that next year will be amazing. Than there is Cor, she's transferring next year and we're all going to miss that crazy lady so much. She's intense and overwhelming at times but we all love her a lot.
Tonight Natalie went on a "date" if that's what you want to call it, and we're all waiting for 2am to roll around so that we can go pick her up. It's crazy because Brenna and I have only known Natalie for about a year now and already we feel obligated to watch over her and make sure she's safe
Natalie and Brenna have become the little sisters that I always wanted in life, I can tell that they look up to and respect me and it helps me to live my life better. Knowing that someone is watching you, really makes you realize how much of an example you are to people.
The year is only days away from being over and I can't even list all of the things that I've learned from all of my friends. I'm so proud of the people they've grown into and I'm really happy about the person that I am now. Once I get more free time/ when I go home I'll have to really blog about it so that I can document all of my lessons so that I never forget them.
I'm still waiting for Natalie to get back, I hope she's having a great time and making good decisions. Until next time Sunshine, over and out, Nik.
Brenna is my roommate for next year and we've already bonded so much that I know that next year will be amazing. Than there is Cor, she's transferring next year and we're all going to miss that crazy lady so much. She's intense and overwhelming at times but we all love her a lot.
Tonight Natalie went on a "date" if that's what you want to call it, and we're all waiting for 2am to roll around so that we can go pick her up. It's crazy because Brenna and I have only known Natalie for about a year now and already we feel obligated to watch over her and make sure she's safe
Natalie and Brenna have become the little sisters that I always wanted in life, I can tell that they look up to and respect me and it helps me to live my life better. Knowing that someone is watching you, really makes you realize how much of an example you are to people.
The year is only days away from being over and I can't even list all of the things that I've learned from all of my friends. I'm so proud of the people they've grown into and I'm really happy about the person that I am now. Once I get more free time/ when I go home I'll have to really blog about it so that I can document all of my lessons so that I never forget them.
I'm still waiting for Natalie to get back, I hope she's having a great time and making good decisions. Until next time Sunshine, over and out, Nik.
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