Life before you...

Airplane rides

Reading books

Talks on the phone

Normal.



Walks through the park

No fear of being lost

Wiping the hair out of your eyes

Safe.



Tugging at the blankets

Hands over ears

Last tear shed over this same thing

Fighting.



Whispered words of affection

Thrown words of anger

Kissing on the bruises

Disfunction



Made up words

Bright colored walls

Silly faces

Baby.


Failed examples

Broken smiles

Only tainted love to give

Parenthood.



Late night plans

Secrets revealed

Lies wrapped in wedding vows

Divorce.



Life before you

Held only cracks in the pavement

You're the one that brought the Tidal wave.

The Funeral.

When the water fell from the sky I opened my windows

I put my hand into the space and caught the rain

It traced a path down my arms

And stopped at the base of my spine

You're mine it whispered softly

I'm yours it quietly reassured

As I floated upward to my destination

The silence was no longer so loud 

My feet no longer held weight

My mind no longer thoughts

My lack of a heartbeat

For the third day In a row

A fear I no longer have to tow

I'm not sure what will happen to the others

But I can't even hear their screams

I'm lost in the air that's around me

And somehow without lungs, I can still breathe.

The road to Luna

I drew a map from here to the moon
and left it on a bench
the instructions said only
"follow when you're lost"

When I lost myself I found my way by referencing the paper
It was still there
untouched
not bothered by the world

It's weird to think that I'm the only one to ever be lost

On my way I found a painting
Of a tree I've never seen
Yet on the side my name was etched
and encased in a heart

even when I didn't know it you loved me

I left the painting on the ground
and kept focused on the moon
If I'm ever going to find my way
I can't let my mind focus on you

The end came quicker than my mind could comprehend
And as I rounded that last windy bend

I stopped

This path was not my own
Nor was it drawn for me
And if lost was where happiness lived
Than being found just wasn't for me

So I turned around
retraced my steps
and sat down with the tree
no longer locked in a painting but surrounding me freely

I sat back on it's trunk and breathed in it's scent
Right here
Right now
everything else is gone and all that is here is here

and in the end
when I can't remember
what's up and what's down
What's before me or behind me
Nor which way I should go
I'll breath you in and remember
That there's nothing wrong with being lost...

The responsibility of youth.

I've got tons of loose change
And not a single jar to put it in

Dollars for days
But no concrete dreams to devote them too

Ideas in my brains
Pitching tents cause they know they'll never leave my mind
covered in dust
the shiny ones developing rust
never spoken, only dreamed.

My teachers said I had potential
All my chances lined up on a shelf
but I just sit here in this run down town
wishing for the things
That I have the ability to give myself.

I'm a lazy
bad excuse for a young person in an old world
Full of "what ifs" and "could have beens"
surrounded by opportunities and open doors.

They say to me "this world is yours."
Here's your chance to take
But I just hand it back to them thinking...
What if I don't want it?

Hats off to the complacent.

If I had all the money in the whole world

I'd put it in a jar

The jar would be lined with our transgressions

and sealed with our sins.

The letter I'd attach to it

would hold all the secrets we've told

with your anger as the punctuation

and my sadness as the closing.

I wouldn't put the jar into the ocean

or a river

or lake

Instead, I'd place it in a hole.

When I was little my friends would say

"lets dig a hole to China"

and even though we knew it wasn't logical

we always tried.

So just like the illogical

We tried to defy reality

and just like the hole to Asia

things never lined up.

So cheers to the complacent

the content

and the satisfied.

Hats off to the ones who always thought we were fine

Because fine we were not

and together we shouldn't be

and alone with myself is the best place for me.

non complacent, unsatisfied and not content with mediocre love

because out of all the things in the world that are plain

love should always eliminate even the darkest shades of grey.

And maybe love is the reason why...

If the sun ever forgets to rise and tell you that you're beautiful.
That you're loved.
I'll whisper it in the wind so that it never leaves your ears.

From the mouth of trees.

I believe in you.

When I think of the genetics that formed your DNA and the skin protecting your muscles as they grasp your bones, I smile.

You're so perfect.

I promise to always remind you of how hard you are to put into words. I'll always stutter over myself when you're concerned...that I've come to terms with.

You're almost too much for me. Too much to take in. You're the letter A and Z at the same time, it all starts and ends with you. I tried to fill in the center with 24 other letters but they always seemed to be in the wrong order.

You're the number Pi. Except I like to think you start with 4, just because.

I once had a conversation with a tree and it was all centered around you. The tree told me to run and tell you my thoughts, I asked him to do it instead. He was firmly rooted in the idea that it wasn't his place.

Books tell me that certain ideas are meant to be shared while others are destined to live only in brains and journals. I'm convinced that you're neither of those because I've written about you in every book and wrapped every thought around you and put you into the ears of anyone that would listen.

I'm consumed by you, which some say isn't healthy. But I'm firmly tied to the idea that not every vice is an addiction.

You're my muse.

You're the rose colored glasses from which I view the world. I do everything with you in mind.

I pray that I never have to live in a world where you don't exist.

Jesus Christ...even your name gives me chills.

You're everything.

Gratitude.

I have come to terms with the fact that I don't deserve the things that I receive. I'm surrounded by beautiful people, in literally every single aspect of my life and I don't understand how this is realistic.

I wake up every morning and I breathe in the freshest air and as it fills my lungs and my brain processes being awake. I'm in awe...every moment that I'm alive I'm in awe of the fact that being alive is a blessing in itself but being alive and living the life I've lived, seeing the places I've seen, with the people I've been there with, my goodness I'm so undeserving.

This life is a privilege.It's not just something I deserve, like some entitled child instead it's something I've been blessed with despite my actions, my thoughts and at times my heart.

I could almost cry. As I sit here and think about it all, I could write books on the life that I probably deserve to have. Novels filled with words displaying what I'm actually entitled too, but instead I'm writing blogs and poems portraying this life. The life of a 24 year old, home schooled girl from Maryland, number six of seven children in her family, the dreamer that lacked follow through.

Yet, here I am. At the end of the day I'm just thankful and I hope I always remember where I came from so I can always appreciate where I am.

The prayers of a dreamer.

I believe now, more than any other time in my life that youth have the power to change the world.

I don't mean that when they're older, the youth of today will change the world, I mean that right now, in our immaturity and young age that we can change the world. I believe firmly in the small world idea, I think that instead of trying to change the whole world try to change the world of one person.

I can buy a homeless person dinner and I didn't change the world but I strongly impacted his world and I think that's what real change is about. Real change is about using the resources you have to reach those around you and helping them to have the best life imaginable.

I didn't grow up rich, by any means, but if every child in the world grew up with at least what I had growing up, then they are set up for having a pretty good life. That's what I want for the world. I want other people, like me, a normal person from a normal middle class family,  to realize how much power they have to make a difference and to go out and change the world.

If I do it in my community, and you, yes you, do it in your community and empower others to continue that trend then before we know it the whole world will be reaching out their hands picking up and helping those less fortunate.

I think that we as humans were put on this world to help each other. I think that we were blessed with the breath of life so that we could breathe life into those that do not have what we have.

Stop waiting for someone else to do it, instead go out there and do it yourself. Change this world.,

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Monsters and those who fear them

When I was a little girl I believed in Monsters and not just the kind that hide under your bed and in the closet but also the kind that hid in the dark and ripped their way up from the earth. I was convinced that being under my covers would protect me and often I woke up covered in sweat from falling asleep with the blankets on my face.

As I got older the fear of beasts lurking in the dark left me and the nightmares began. I would dream, at least once a week, about 'something' chasing me, I never could see what 'IT' was but it always haunted me. As I got older the dreams became less frequent but they didn't cease and when I would have one of those terrifying dreams I would always wake up startled expecting to be in the hands of the thing after me.

It wasn't until a few years ago that these dreams stopped and at first I didn't even notice their absence, I just became used to the nights of full rest and peaceful vividly beautiful dreams. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized that I hadn't had one of those dreams in years and I began to examine what is was exactly that made them stop.

I've come to the conclusion that as a little one I was the type of child that had a vivid imagination, anything I saw or heard materialized not only in my head but in my life. As I got older and those fears subsided I began to become uncomfortable and uneasy in regards to myself. I didn't like who I was, didn't like the things that I said or did but yet didn't have the power to change it, didn't know where to start. I wanted to be different, but I didn't know what different was.

As I got older, graduated high school, went to college and traveled in Up With People, my world began to change. I began to grow into myself and the things that had once brought me to tears were now signatures of my personality. Instead of wanting to be like everyone else I listened to the advice of my mentors and parents and learned to accept who I was.

Looking back I realize that in my dreams the reason why I never saw what was chasing me is because I would have been face to face with my own reflection. I was my own monster...my own demon. I was running from everything that I was afraid of, not realizing that all of those things would turn me into the exact person I wanted to be.

By fearing being me, I for years kept myself from the happiness that comes with accepting your own identity. If I start having those dreams again I will know that it's time to start reflecting and remembering to accept the most influential person in my world, me.

Not sure how it's possible that I can eat candy so well yet fail so miserably at Candy Crush....

The worth of billions

Today I was given a challenge, by one of my dearest friends and he told me to think about the experiences that I've had in UWP that are invaluable and write them down. I accepted his challenge with open arms and what follows are just a few of the experiences I've had this semester that I couldn't be more thankful for in no specific order.

The experiences that have touched me a lot mostly involve conversations with people that have either helped me through a tough situation, opened my mind to a new perspective or challenged me to think critically about what I believe.

I recently had a host mom that had very strong faith. She would wake up every morning and sit on the couch reading her bible and just spending quality time with the Lord. She talked to me about her faith and we shared our commonalities in the area but things didn't really go deeper on the subject until my last moments with her. On our way to host drop off we had this in depth conversation about God and his love and it was exactly what I needed in that moment. Little did she know that I was struggling greatly in that department but yet she was still able to say exactly what I needed to hear...it was such a beautiful moment.

Another moment that really touched me during the semester was a bus date I had with one of our students and he shared one of the qualities that he really admires in a person. That quality was the ability to not be easily derailed emotionally by people or situations. When he said that it dawned on me that I was the kind of person that was very easily emotionally bothered or derailed by situations and people and that's not  the kind of person that I wanted to be. In that moment I decided that I wanted to change and I wanted to be the kind of person that really thought before reacting even if it's just an intern emotional reaction. I think that if we wouldn't have had that conversation I wouldn't have realized this about myself until much later in life.

When we first went to Mexico this semester, to say that I wasn't excited at all would be the understatement of the year. I just couldn't get into the excitement and swing of Mexico and I was dreading spending six weeks in the country. Luckily for me, my original host family cancelled and I ended up being hosted with the most welcoming and loving family I've ever met. The minute I met my host mom she hugged me and told me how excited she was that I was there and how beautiful she thought I was. From that moment on every single member of that family loved me like I was blood and even though there was a language barrier between myself and my host mom we were still able to build this amazing connection.My host brother and sisters were so much fun to be around and such wonderful youth filled with character and integrity and that was so refreshing to be around.  I am so looking forward to the day when I can visit them and spend more quality family time with them.

Those are just three of the many moments that have impacted me this semester. I am blown away by the life that I lead and the amount of people I am able to come into contact with. Though it is so hard to say goodbye the impact and lasting connections that are built make it all worth it.

-Nik XOxo

The make believe

I could sit very still and listen to the wind

but in it I'm not sure what I'd hear

The silence doesn't scare me

but at times it unnerves me 

is it normal to be this unnerved 

So tell me what to listen to 

When there's nothing left to hear 

As the leaves fall off of hollow trees

I sit there 

Cross legged with folded hands

I pray for peace in the madness 

Clarity in the chaos

A chance for more light

So write me a letter

and place it on your table

and mail it only if you have the time

Cause my mind is filled with words

and distant memories 

that lead me to believe

that fairy tales are real 

and it's my life that's make believe. 

Truth

They said it best and I won't repeat it.

Day 3.

The REspons....

There's a certain level of responsibility that one must take on when they decide to write every single day and also to make that decision public.

So I, Nicole Magloire, will be writing everyday for the next year, at least.So from now, until November, 27th 2014 I need to either post on here or write something in my journal every day. The reason for this is that I really enjoy reading and I really enjoy writing and sometimes when I'm being especially crazy I consider myself a writer. The writers that I respect the most have all said at one point or another that all good writers, write and read something every single day. So I will be embarking on the good ole knowledge journey and doing the same.

The best part about this whole thing, the absolute best part is that a lot of the time I'll write something that will really suck. It will be so bad that I'll feel no attachment to it what so ever and not want to post it at all, but I will anyway.

Those pieces, the ones that are just darn awful, will be the ones I learn from and grow from. They will be the ones that make the really good pieces stand out like fireworks. Because when I write something worth reading, which will happen again I swear, then I'll not only post it but I'll put it in my heart.

So yes, I will write everyday and I'll be okay with whatever it is I write no matter how long or short it is. As long as words are getting on pages then I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

XO

Insert worthy title here.

A hopeless romantic with a knack for one night stands he was a walking contradiction.
Praying for the extraordinary
But swimming daily in the mundane

He swore he was the captain of his fate
and captain he was
But his steering led him to washed up shores and broken sails

Defeat
A word spoken often from tear stained lips
His distaste for sympathy and lack of empathy left him as someone often alone
and rarely receiving help

His writing was tragic
His songs stained with the prints of his mistakes
"What a failure"
He whispered often to the reflection that he struggled to glance at...

The concept of pain
The thing that some fight through, seeking for victory on the other side
While others get lost
Drowning
Not knowing that they have the power to fight
Or simply not being able to

He's the latter
The nameless man
Strong but unaware of his strength
Lost.

He swore he was the captain of his fate
And captain he was.

The haunting of 24

In ten days I will, for the third year in a row, celebrate my birthday outside of my own country and without my twin brother. The beginning part is awesome and the latter sucks. I have really had quite the whirlwind of a life and where it has taken me and where I am right now is exactly where I want to be and not at all where I had planned to be.

When I celebrated my birthday in the exact same place where I am right now two years ago, I never really thought that I would ever come back. But here I am, almost exactly two years to the date and my life has just continued to grow and improve so much.

I'm not sure as a kid where I told myself I would be at 24. I imagine hoping that by now I wouldn't have to share birthdays with my twin anymore and be able to have my own day, but instead I'm wishing he were here so that we could celebrate together.

Many women run from the daunting idea of growing older...aging. But I welcome it with open arms, with age comes wisdom and more years on this beautiful earth and those are both things that I value and hope to never take for granted. I know that this is just the beginning of how incredible, hard and unpredicatable my life is going to be and just like 24 I look forward to it affectionately!

Paint and pictures

I used to think that when I got in my twenties I would have it all figured out..man was I wrong.

Life is like a candy store, that is different for every single person and sometimes you walk through the door and it's all of a sudden a bread shop and no longer a candy store.

Yeah, it's like that.

When I think of my future and what it holds for me I imagine a blank canvas with colorful stitching around the border. There are only two types of stitching but they're both extremely different and the difference are both made up of things that I enjoy. I know that depending on what I decide to fill the canvas with I'll have to change the stitching, pick one or the other.

I feel as if I should be slightly uncomfortable with the blankness of my canvas but instead I'm intrigued by what will end up covering it. Will it be something that I never expected that incorporates both stitching or will it be a plan that ends with a picture and not a painting. That might not make much sense but that's so accurate of what the future is like.

I believe in creating your own future and not waiting for fate to just take you somewhere but I also believe that life happens and sometimes plans change...so what will happen and what might change while I'm busy making plans?

Not sure.

What I'm very sure of though, is that I'm going to have an awesome life and that's what is important to me, the rest are just the details and I'll figure those out when they come.

The time I got away...

I planned to write about you..to put you on a page. But then I realized all my words were nothing compared to you.

You were everything and nothing all at once and I don't know how to explain that.

We developed out of no where and ended just as soon and walking away from you was the only decision I made through the whole thing that was well thought out....well planned.

Being a part of your life was one of the hardest things I've ever done and leaving it was just as difficult.

I wish we could have started out as friends and just stayed there...we would have been such good friends.

But instead we went too fast, people said we'd crash and we screamed at them we wouldn't....but then we did. And the fire burned us up, but our bodies were saved and all that was torched was our hearts.

My intention was to spit you out and leave you here and simply walk away, but just like all our other plans it won't work.

I apologize for the yesterdays and all the days before and even more for the tomorrow's we never got to have.

Our choices, our decisions led to our demise and the dramatics that followed led to nothing being left behind.

In the end all I have are memories and a faint heart shaped scar embedded in my chest.

You were all of it and then none of it and it seemed to happen all at once and way too soon.

We were drowning with our heads up and our eyes wide open, hoping that eventually our feet would hit the bottom of an endless pool.

Always the optimist.

If I could go back in time and repack every word, I'm sure that it would end the same with me laying them out  one at a time carefully to dry.

You told me that I'd always be the one that got away and I never told you that I think of our season as the time I got away.

So I'll say the kind of goodbye that seems temporary and somehow just lasts forever and grab my suitcase of words and walk away.

Behind me is only you.

Behind you is only me.

But ahead of us... the road is paved with untouched concrete and the possibilities of the next one and the right one await us.

Words

I believe in words.

I have a feeling that not many people do anymore. I believe in the power they possess and the way they can change a life.

I believe in the change that comes from the utterance of the words "I can" and the defeat that sets in when a person says "I can't."

I believe in the faith that comes from the words "I believe in you," even when spoken by a stranger and I believe in the belief that consumes your thoughts when you believe those words.

I hold true to the words that speak kind laying softly on my ears hoping that I will one day look away from the ground and up to the sky.

I believe in the words of my mother, that tell me "you're going to have such a beautiful life," and even though they're said through tears I believe that they're happy.

I never forget the words of my father that remind me "no matter where you are, I'm still your dad," that soft reminder echoing loudly in my mind when distance once again becomes an issue.

I believe that your thoughts become your words and that your words eventually become your actions and that those actions can strongly dictate the course of your future.

I believe that the word "love" is overused and underused and I'm still confused about how I can feel so strongly about such conflicting ideas.

I believe in the word LIFE and how when spoken with conviction and faith it can fill dead lungs with air...I believe.

I believe in words and the way they fill pages and turn letters into words and sentences into award winning novels. I believe in words and the way they can calm a child in seconds and ruin a relationship even quicker.

Words, so powerful yet so rarely used to their full potential.